Nothing Is Ever What It Seems

I know it's been nearly 1.5 years since I posted it.

But believe me it was never my intention to leave it for this long.

This past year has been absolutely CRAZY!

In between laptop/computer troubles, I also work 12 hours on most days, so even when I do have time, my brain switches off. Anyway, after reading this for the 100

th

time, I can't read it any longer. I've definitely lost all my editors as my email account that links to this was blocked. Took me only recently to unblock it! I am back on that account, so feel free to shoot me a PM.

If you would like me to reply, please do check you've entered your email address correct :)

Enjoy!

:)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10/01/2005

To say that I was relieved to be home was a major understatement.

All the congratulations, the fake smiles I had to put on. The last 2 hours passed by in a blur.

I can't believe he proposed to me.

I really should be happy that he'd proposed, but I can't shake the feeling that I don't really know him. I mean, we've only known each other for less than a year! In terms of really dating, it's only been 7 months. And truth be told, in those 7 months, even I haven't shown him the 'real me', and by real I don't mean no make up.

Do I love him? I constantly ask myself this question. There's no doubt, I really, really like him -but love? I'm not so sure you can really fall in love with someone in 7 months... or maybe I just liked the idea of him.

It's really strange but I get this feeling that he's not really him when he's with me. And the only real glimpse I get is when he's with his friends/colleagues.

I don't know. I should be grateful someone like him would actually take an interest in me, no less marry me. But sometimes, I just don't know what he sees in me. We are very different. Not just the 10+ year age gap, but our interests are really different. I am an outgoing person, but going out with him most days so that I can socialize with his peers really isn't something I like to do all the freaking time.

There are times when I feel like he's... parading me around? It always feels like there's a battle between him and his friends as to who has the hottest and youngest partner on their arms. Don't get me wrong, I'm most definitely not the hottest, but I sure am winning the youngest prize. I turned 18 not that long ago and when his friends found that out during one that I was still in high school, they patted him on the back and then whispered something to each other, grinning ear to ear.

It made me sick to see their misogynistic and narcissistic views on women and how they view us like a piece of meat. As oppose to the other girls who didn't mind being viewed as a trophy, I resented that.

My mom was the good little housewife and I was always taught that was what I should be. Going to the top schools was always for networking and meeting my future husband. Luckily for my parents, they saved a few hundred thousand dollars now that it looks like I may not even go college if I was really married. I mean what is the point of going to Harvard, Brown, Cornell, or whatever my parents had in mind, if I've already achieved their goals?

Now as I write this and hearing my mom's screeching down the phone with her friends about the engagement, I can't help but wonder if I can get out of this without my parents disowning me.

If I can't even choose which subject and college I wanted, I doubt I could get out of this.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hallie watched Ryan walk away from her, until he was lost in the crowd. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her emotions and control her shaking hand.

As she walked back to join the crowd, she felt everyone's eyes on her. As if what transpired between them five minutes ago were witnessed by everyone and they have been oblivious to it all. Hallie was guilty and she knew it. If she couldn't control her

damn

mind, her husband would be able to see the guilt written all over her face.

She returned and went into the crook of Jack's arm.

This is where I belong

, Hallie reminded herself,

this is where I should always be...

"What took you so long?" Jack leaned down and hissed in her ear.

Hallie froze. Was this a test? Quickly she said, "I met one of your client's wife outside and we had a quick chat."

He paused and looked at her intently. Hallie smiled at him trying to fend innocence at his inquisitive questions. He was about to say something but then quickly shut his mouth. Jack was no longer staring at her, and Hallie followed his gaze.

Her saviour.

"Brad..." She said breathlessly. Surprise was an understatement - she hadn't seen her brother-in-law for almost 5 years.

Brad swooped in, ignoring his older brother and hugged Hallie tightly, "Hallie, it's been too long, I've missed you. How are you?" He said softly. He knew his brother was watching on, fuming, but he didn't care.

Jack tried to control his anger. Watching as another man embraced his wife. He knew his brother had a thing for his wife. He just loved to compete with him constantly. Jack knew he was the successful one out of the two, so what did Brad do? Went and fucked himself up with alcohol and drugs, just so he could steal the limelight from him. And somehow it worked. No matter what he achieved, his parents would still have some sort of soft spot for his brother, instead of looking down on his failures, they cared for him more-

"Top in class, well done honey, but now is not the time for celebration... we have to go to the hospital to see your brother."

He hated that attention seeking prick.

"Jack, great to see you too."

Jack stepped forward, brushing Hallie aside. He embraced his brother. Outsiders would presume it be two brothers catching up, but Hallie knew better, "Listen you cunt, I don't know why you're back, but never, ever fucking touch my wife again." he whispered in a dangerous and low voice.

Jack pat his brother on the back, "Great seeing you buddy, it's nice to see you looking like your old self again," He said loudly in a friendly tone, "We'll catch you later. Let's go honey."

His hand on her lower back, he urged Hallie away. When they were away from the crowd, he quietly said, "How can my night get any worst. Stupid cunt." He waved his hand dismissively, "Anyway I wasn't finished earlier, I saw Ryan Harris." His eyes never left her as he uttered those words. "Is that why it took you so long earlier? Were you lying to me?"

Hallie was shocked. This was definitely a test. He had seen them together.

"No! "I don't think h-he would be here. Alin told me he went to Beijing with them."

"I saw him." He said dismissively, "But if I see him

anywhere

near you, I'm going to knock him the fuck out..." He trailed off, whispering the last parts to himself.

She exhaled a sigh of relief. So he hadn't seen them together.

When it came to Ryan, they had argued- mostly a one sided berating from him about her supposed affair with him. He had done despicable things to her in a fit of jealous and controlling rage. Of course, it was inevitable that she would see Ryan even if she tried her best to avoid him; her best friend worked for him.

However, it didn't mean he accepted it. She lost count of the amount of times she had to do anything, absolutely

anything

to assure him that her heart only belonged to him and no one else- especially not Ryan Harris...

...but it wasn't true, was it? She used to be able to tell him there was nothing going on in a strong voice, but since the kiss, she could no longer say nothing went on. Because something did happen. It may be a kiss, but there was always a starting point for everything. She knew her voice would quiver and her hands would shake, should Jack ever decide to question her again.

The upside to all this was, Jack had troubles of his own. He just didn't have the time or energy to mind her business or do anything to her yet. It didn't take a genius to piece everything together. Hallie knew why her husband's mental and physical abuse had stopped in the past few months.

Jack had landed in hot water a few months ago concerning an intern at Carter & Stone. Hallie didn't know any further details, just the facts that Alin has reluctantly shared with her. She had a feeling Alin didn't delve in any further to spare her feelings. It was reported by the media briefly concerning somewhere along the lines of sexual harassment and unfair dismissal.

Hallie wasn't surprised if it was true. Her husband had a history of fucking the interns and associates, which explained why Carter and Stone was one of the top employers for

equality

and promoted themselves in giving many chances to women, who was known to be less successful than their counterparts in the legal field.

This also further explained why Jack's hatred towards Ryan had somewhat intensified. Alin had told her Ryan was also involved in helping the young and pretty intern at her husband's firm, but was not sure of the full story. Alin had hinted Ryan's reluctance to say any more regarding the intern at Carter & Stone.

She felt a sudden stab of jealousy and sadness. Not for her husband's dalliance with the intern, but the obvious affection and care Ryan had for this mysterious intern.

And that was what was wrong with the whole messed up situation.

Throughout the night she laughed when appropriate, listened when she had to, and most importantly she made sure she hung on to every word Jack uttered. Everything was a blur. She would act as if she was enjoying herself but secretly one eye was scanning the room, hoping to see

him

.

But it was just that-

hope

. She sent him away and now she was regretting her decision. The bravado she had shown earlier to Ryan was pathetic.

I am pathetic.

"Babe," Jack whispered in her ear, startling her out of her reflections, "It's time to go home." He slid his hand down her back, stopping just above the curve of her rear.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

06/09/05

I am nervous.

As you already know I had doubts about my wedding. I threw caution to the wind and sat down with my mom telling her how I felt.

It didn't go down well.

She said that I was blessed and that it was ludicrous that I was having second thoughts.

Her tone started off gentle, but when she saw the blank look on my face, and the fact that my whole face screamed that I was disagreeing with her, she started to turn borderline mad. Then she started to threaten that if I didn't go through with it, I'd be living on the street...

Welcome to my privileged life. Although I had wealthy parents, in this household, money becomes a bargaining chip to everything.

The only good thing is, his family is very welcoming and are nice to me.

But then again, there's always something about them that makes me feel uncomfortable... almost like they know something I don't. As for his brother, I didn't expect for us to get along. He is not known for being a sane guy, but how wrong it was for me to listen to rumours. He's the nicest guy! I can confide in him things I can't even tell my husband-to-be.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"

Fuck

, I can't believe you're still so tight..." Jack whispered in her ear as he forced himself inside her.

It felt great to be inside a pussy without a condom

, he thought to himself. One hand wrapped around her neck, and he tightened his grip even further as he felt his climax building.

Jack made sure he would sheath himself with a condom when he fucked those dirty cunts. One BIG mistake he made in the past was enough for him to put his dick second.

His wife was different though.

She was his and he was the only one who had fucked her.

Hallie closed her eyes willing this to be over soon. She was slightly worried with the fact that Jack hadn't used any protection. Last time he had given her a huge health scare. Still, she knew after that mistake, Jack had been somewhat more careful with his dalliances.

She had seen his wondering eye during the Charity Ball and had hoped he would choose one of the girls that was vying for his attention.

In the past, by the end of the Charity Ball, she would always go home alone. Her husband would sneak away with a beauty on his arm and then return in the morning with a big fat smirk on his face.

She didn't always feel like this. When she first found out about Jack's cheating, each one broke a little part of her. She cried herself to sleep, blaming herself for not satisfying him enough to the point where he had to seek pleasure elsewhere. It didn't help the fact he didn't even bother to hide it.

It seemed time and time again, Jack would test where her bottom line lies... he kept pushing and pushing, until one day she just couldn't take it any longer. Just when she finally stood up to him and decided to move on, he had done despicable things to her before given her an ultimatum...after that she never had a doubt in her mind whether to stay or not. Now his affairs meant nothing to her.

Jack hardly touched Hallie after their daughter was born. She was happy to keep it that way, and was relieved that he sated his lust elsewhere. After conceiving Penny, Hallie had been extra careful with protection, religiously taking her birth control pills, even though he no longer touched her.

But tonight was different. He was extra possessive. When they got home, he closed the front door and pushed her against it, urgently unzipping her dress. They didn't even make it to any of the rooms. He fucked her on the hard cold marble floor.

After he was done, he rolled over and lay beside her on the hard floor. "Fuck, that was good."

She gave him a tense smile and he smiled back at her smugly, "I love you, Hallie."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

09/02/05

"

All human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and evil: and Edward Hyde, alone, in the ranks of mankind, was pure evil."

I love this quote from The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

by Robert

Louis Stevenson. I've

just finished the book for my assignment. It was sad to see how the doctor couldn't overcome the 'evil side.' Most importantly, it has made me wonder whether the quote hold some truth. In class, we learnt

a theory where if one tries to eliminate any dark thoughts in the unconscious mind, this would in actuality provoke the evil side and the development of a character like Mr Hyde.

I just wonder whether someone could possess two opposite extreme persona in one person. Anyway, just my random thoughts- I guess the assignment has really taken over my life. Not a surprise really, since I've been spending the past month on it. Though God forbid, if a truly evil person exists, I'll never meet or even cross path with him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hallie sat up looking at the dark room aimlessly. She grabbed the sheets and held it against herself, wincing as she shifted slightly. She knew there were bound to be a couple of bruises forming. She felt exposed and violated. Jack slept soundly next to her, sated and with a small smile on his lips.

Instead of feeling exultant and comforted at Jack's declaration of love, she was very afraid. She wasn't sure what bought on his sudden need to declare his love for her, but it was something that didn't sit right with her- it never sat right with her.

He's playing with my mind again,

Hallie thought to herself.

In the past, when Jack decided to play the devoted and loving husband, Hallie would fall for it hook, line and sinker. Without notice, he would unexpectedly revert back to his old ways and laugh in her face when she confronted him. He loved playing mind games with her and enjoyed breaking her. At least this time she knew why he expressed his love for her. He needed her to play along with him in showing the world what a great family man he is.

It didn't help matters with Ryan's appearance tonight. She desperately wanted to tell him how she felt for him. But what use for was that? She looked at Jack...

I hate sex

, she thought to herself. Could Ryan overlook her lack of enthusiasm for any form of intimacy?

It didn't matter anyway, even if Ryan could overlook it, they would never be together. Jack's ultimatum ensured that. He had won.

Tears fell from her eyes without warning. Hallie wasn't sure how much she could take. She bit her lip stifling her cries.

"Baby...Hallie, why aren't you asleep?"

Hearing Jack's voice, Hallie brushed the tears away quickly and turned to face him. Even though the room was dark, lights from outside somewhat lit the room. Jack could see her red puffy eyes.

"Why are you crying, baby? Did I do something to hurt you?" He said softly, though his narrowed eyes betrayed him. If her answer was not to his satisfaction, this would give him the chance to punish her.

"No, I'm just so happy tonight." She whispered and laid her head in the crook of his outstretched arms. He instantly relaxed. Hallie looked up at him and smiled, hoping she had convinced him, "you make me feel so happy and it feels so great to be with you like this again."

He seemed ecstatic and almost shocked at her reply. Somehow, he had thought she would stall when answering him, giving him the perfect opportunity to question her further. He kissed the top of her head and whispered, "Good girl."

Slowly his lips met hers and he rolled on top of her. His knee parted her thighs and using one hand he roughly tweaked her nipples. Hallie bit her lip hard, trying to balance out the pain.

She remembered one time when she dared to protest being too sore for him. She had learnt the hard way that when Jack wanted something, any indication of protest would anger him, resulting in some form of punishment. Therefore, she now pretended to be a willing participant. She tried hard to relax as she felt Jack's hardness against her inner thigh. He shifted and was about to enter her, when a loud cry broke them apart.

"

Fuck

!" He hissed as Penny's loud cries from the baby monitor pierced through. He rolled off of her and pushed his hand through his hair in frustration.

"That little

shit

!" He said punching the bed. "Every single

fucking

time!"

Hallie remained frozen, unsure what she should do. It was only when her daughter continued to cry, did it snap her out of her decision making process. It was catch 22 - if she went to console her daughter Jack would be pissed that she left in the middle of the fucking, but if she stayed, Penny would continue to cry- in turn, pissing him off further.

"Sorry," She murmured, avoiding Jack's narrowed eyes. "I'll come back quickly."

Hallie quickly picked up her dressing gown and practically ran to the baby's room. She picked up her wailing daughter and laid her on her chest. Hallie stroked her back gently, whilst singing lullaby to her softly.

Within a few minutes, her daughter cries were slowly reduced to a few hiccups and then she fell asleep gradually. Hallie padded back to her own room, expecting Jack to be asleep.

Not only was he not asleep, he was spread out naked on the bed and stroking himself as he fully engrossed himself with the porno on TV. He turned the volume with one hand as he saw Hallie enter the room.

It was late and the children were asleep. Hallie was afraid the noises would wake up Alex. He was seven years old, and he was at an age where he would start to ask question about everything. It horrified her to imagine her son witnessing anything like what Jack had in mind.