Nothing And Everything

I don't know what time it is. I roll over again and try to settle my head on the pillow. Sleep is elusive tonight.

"You awake?" you whisper.

I turn towards you and nod. It's dark but there's enough light coming from the streetlight outside our window to see a sliver of your face.

"What's keeping you up?" you ask. I'd like to tell you, but in truth I don't know how to explain it. There is a feeling in my chest that I can't name. My brain feels fuzzy. My eyes are tired. I close them and see the laundry basket full of wet clothes I forgot in the basement, and the footage I saw earlier of the earthquake damage in a small tropical area of the world. I need to remember to make a donation. How much would be enough? Who takes care of those people?

"Hey," you say. "Where did you go just now?"

I open my eyes to see that your face is closer to me. Your eyes seek mine in the dark. I can hear your gentle breath, the rustle of the sheets as you shift your body towards mine. You reach out and take my hand.

"I'm here," I say.

"Is your brain busy?" you ask. I nod, but I don't know if you can see me.

"Come here," you say, and move your body closer to mine. You put your big arms around me. My head is pressed against your chest, my arms are folded in front of me, and my hands tucked in fists under my chin. I am enveloped by you. You pull the blankets up over my shoulders.

"Let me tell you a story," you whisper. I take a deep breath. I am so tired.

"The day I met you, it was raining," you begin. "I was walking along the main street, looking for a place to buy an umbrella. I was thinking about all of the places I could be that weren't raining. I could be somewhere sunny and warm under a tree, somewhere dark and cozy with a stiff drink in front of me, somewhere in front of a fireplace with a good book. I didn't want to buy an umbrella. I had so many at home," you say.

I feel a loosening in my shoulders now. I take another deep breath and let it out slowly. I would know your smell anywhere. It's warm and a little spicy, like the old men's cologne with the sailor on the front of the bottle. I nuzzle my nose closer to you and take another lungful of air, of the scent of you. You smell like a sweater on a cold day.

"When I went into the next store, there was a display of umbrellas right near the cash register at the front of the store. And this was an old-fashioned general store. You remember them from when we were young. The bell over the door rang when I went in, and the long counter with the cash register at one end was lined with all kinds of little bits and pieces. Buttons, scissors, batteries, shoehorns, keychains, that kind of thing. There was a lunch counter on the other side of the store. A row of red leather stools was fixed in front of the counter. I could smell the fryer and the coffee. There was an old sign above that said hot coffee was 10 cents. I felt like I'd walked into a movie starring Jimmy Stewart."

Your arms get a little tighter around me now, and I push one of my legs between your knees. It is warm under the covers. It is just you and me here. There is only the feeling of your skin against mine, the smell of you, and the sound of your voice.

"Do you remember, baby?" you whisper. I nod.

"I don't know why, but I didn't want to just buy my umbrella and go. Something about this store made me want to stay for a minute. Maybe it was the fact that it reminded me so much of the Kresge's of my hometown. My friends and I would save our allowance and go after baseball practice. I used to sit at the lunch counter and buy fries for a dollar. Then we would look at the comics in the back."

You shift your top leg forward so it is draped over mine. You rub my back gently and kiss my hair. I make a small sound of contentment and shift my hips so my pelvis presses into yours.

"I decided to go to the back and see if there were comics back there. I wanted to see if kids still stood and read Archie like we used to."

I raise my head now and kiss your chin. I love this story. I love you. You lower your mouth to mine and kiss me softly.

"But instead of Archie comics at the back of the store, I found a woman standing over a table of empty notebooks. She was opening them one at a time, flipping through the pages. She was setting them down and pretending to write in them."

"I wanted to see if they were going to be comfortable to write in. It's important," I whisper. You nod, and kiss me again. Your lips are so gentle. That feeling in my chest lets go.

"I stood and watched you for a few moments. When you found the notebook you wanted, you smiled a little smile to yourself. I smiled watching you. I think it was the intensity of your process that made me come over and talk to you." You laugh quietly.

I try to move my arms and, sensing this, you loosen your grip on me. I wrap my arms around you and pull myself closer to you.

"That first day, I knew," you whisper, bringing your mouth to my ear. "I knew it was going to be you."

I tilt my head up again and kiss you, opening my mouth to yours. It is late, I am tired, but I feel the hum begin between my legs as soon as your tongue touches mine. You find the hem of my tank top and begin to pull it over my head. I raise my arms to help you.

You toss the shirt somewhere in the corner of the room. My nipples harden in the night air. I press my body into yours, feeling the warmth of your skin against my breasts.

"I knew it was going to be you," I whisper back, and kiss you again, rolling onto my back and pulling you over me.

Silently, slowly, our bodies fit together. You slide into me so easily, fill me as though we were made for each other, and begin to move back and forth inside me. I don't make any noise in the dark of this room, but I feel the pleasure build as you press your hips into mine. You are kissing me, and then you bury your face in my shoulder and neck, holding me tightly. I wrap my legs around you and push myself up to meet your every thrust.

There is a small sound coming from you, a murmur as you move, and the wet sound of our sex. We have kicked the blankets off now. I feel sweat gathering at the small of your back.

When you bring your face up to mine and look me in the eyes, I know you are going to come. This knowing nudges me over the edge, and I struggle to keep my eyes open, to hold them to yours. I can't help the sounds I start to make. You hold me tightly, moving steadily, fucking me through it.

"I am here, baby," you whisper, as I fall apart in your arms.

When my body stops shaking, you get still inside me. You hold me close, looking into my eyes. You brush my cheek with your fingers. My eyes get a little shiny. We are perfectly quiet; so much is being said.

After a minute you move off me and lie on your side. Instinctively, I turn to my left side and shuffle so my back meets your chest. You find the blankets and pull them up to cover us. You put your arm under my neck and drape the other around my belly, resting your hand there. I don't know what time it is. My breathing starts to slow. My eyes are heavy.

"Sleep now," you say quietly against my neck. Outside, it starts to rain.