Alicia watched Jon tuck Hope into bed. She had crashed hard in the car, but then too, it was past her bedtime by the time they had left the party. She did not envy Miss Mandy the next day. Half the kids in her class would be falling asleep at their desks.
But this day had been enlightening in more ways than one. She was still trying to process all the things that she had discussed with Kaitlin Danvers. But above the others, there was one thing that rang true in her soul - she had to stop protecting herself. She needed to give this thing a real go. And that meant she needed to confess how she felt to Jon. How she really felt. And that was a scary thought. How did she tell him that she had fallen in love with him that night? That she still was.
One thing that did help a bit was hearing what Kaitlin's partner Chase Logan had said... "it's not up to you to convince him that you love him. He's gotta come to terms with that himself. All you can do is offer your love freely." He had gone on to explain his own troubles with coming to terms with losing his leg.
There was so much to process in her head. She was tired too. Bone tired. The thing was she did not want to spend another night like the past three, carefully clutching her side of the bed and waiting for the man she loved to fall asleep.
Jon brushed a kiss on the top of their little girl's light brown curls. "Good night, sweetheart," he whispered as Hope turned over on her side, tightly clutching her pink fluffy unicorn. He stood and walked towards her.
She inhaled deeply, willing herself to take that risk. She held out her hand to him, "Hope isn't the only one exhausted tonight. What say we head to bed too?"
Slipping out and closing the door behind them, she looked up. Jon's head was down. It made her nervous that she could not see his eyes. Had no idea what he was thinking or feeling. His voice was low when he finally responded.
"You go ahead. There are some things I need to do first."
She felt as if he had stabbed her. Was he avoiding her still? His words gave little clues, but she could not help the doubts and insecurities that assailed her. She had tried again, and been rejected, again. "Okay," was all she could mumble as she pulled her hand back.
She was determined that she would make it to her room, their room, before the tears started. And she would once more be safely hugging her side of the bed and pretending to sleep when he did join her.
But his fingers tightened on hers, preventing her escape. She turned her head towards the wall to keep him from seeing the unshed tears that she was fighting so valiantly to hold back. He was not having that either as his other hand, the damaged one came up to her chin, lifting it and turning her face so that she was forced to meet his gaze.
He closed his eyes for a moment, and she heard him draw in a deep breath before he spoke. "I'm sorry, Alicia. But there are some things I need to do first." He paused and she could feel his insecurities, "Routines. To prevent further complications..."
He stared at the floor for a long moment, "With the scars." After a long pause, he looked back up and met her gaze, "I just wanted you to understand. It isn't that I don't want to, but that I can't."
"Even though the burns healed, if I don't..." He shook his head, "I won't bore you with the specifics. I won't be long, though. Fifteen minutes or so." His fingers squeezed hers and he attempted one of those rare lopsided grins, "I'd like it if you can manage to stay awake. We could talk a bit, perhaps?"
Alicia felt her heart sore to the heavens. She could feel how incredibly hard that must have been for him. But his explanation made sense. She had done a bit of research over the past few weeks; she should have realized that he could not just come straight to bed, that he needed to clean and moisturize the old wounds. Otherwise, that website said they could dry out, crack, and become infected.
She was uncertain how to handle the situation, though. She was curious. Not in some perverse way, but in practical ones. If they were going to make this work, spend the rest of their lives together, Jon could not keep hiding such practicalities from her. The question was: was it too soon? Would she just push him further away? She wasn't sure, but she was tired of playing things safe.
"Can I watch?" The words were no sooner out than she realized how callous they must sound. Her hand flew to her lips. Her gaze sought his as those tears she had been fighting spilled over, "I'm sorry. That came out all wrong. I didn't mean like that. I don't know. It just seems that if we're going to make this work..."
Couldn't she ever say the right things? Even when she tried, it seemed she always messed it up. She had probably set this whole thing back weeks or months. She just wanted to run, run, and hide. Turning back time would be a good thing. Learning to think before she spoke might be nice too.
She could barely see his face for the tears that had suddenly gone from a light shower to a flood, "I'm sorry. I'll wait in the bedroom when you're done. If you still want that is," she fumbled words her words.
***
Jon tightened his hold on Alicia's hand. "No, you're right. If we're going to make this work, then I have to quit hiding."
He felt the tightening in his chest. He recognized the fear and uncertainty that had gripped him earlier. He remembered those first weeks after he made it back home. The nurses had tried to work with his mother, to teach her the proper way to clean and care for the burn wounds. He still remembered the way that she had drawn back in terror. In the end, the great Tyler money had funded home health nurses who came twice a day once he was released home. They did what his mother could never bring herself to.
Of course, after almost five years, the scars that covered his head, neck, back, shoulders, and part of his chest were far from those oozing, red, and open wounds. But still.
He swallowed his fear, his uncertainty, and his doubts. If Alicia could take the chance to reach out to him like this, he owed her the benefit of the doubt. He had to meet her at least halfway. "If you're sure? I mean if you want..."
He forced that smile he knew made his face seem more grotesque than reassuring, but it was the best he could do. "Let me get some things from our room. I'll be right back."
He rushed down the hall without waiting for her answer. Was he afraid that now he had agreed she would change her mind? Flee? Where would she go? That was just it. Where could either of them go really? They had to start somewhere. This tension could not continue. It was not good for either of them...and eventually, once the newness wore off, it would not be good for their daughter either.
If this was where she wanted to begin, then so be it. Perhaps it was better sometimes to face the worst, to jump into the deep end. And standing naked in the shower with her watching would be that. Her staring as he massaged the moisturizing cream into the scars was not going to be easy.
He grabbed the leather shaving kit that contained all the things he needed as well as a fresh t-shirt and boxers. He inhaled, willing himself to find the courage to face whatever was to come. Could it be any worse than the unspoken tension of the past three days and nights?
Remembering the look on his mother's face, yeah, it could be. But it was better to face that too. Yank that band-aid off and face whatever was to come. He sent a silent plea to whatever was out there - and despite it all, he did believe that something was even if he had long ago abandoned his parents' vengeful and terrorizing Southern Baptist god.
It took only seconds for the short walk back to where she waited with her back turned outside the bathroom door. But it seemed an eternity and he was a condemned man on that final walk. She turned as he approached, she had dried her eyes and had that forced smile on her face.
"You know it's okay if you've changed your mind. I won't hold it against you or anything. I mean..."
Her delicate hand came up to rest over his heart. "No, I haven't changed my mind. I just want to say thank you, Jon. Thank you for trusting me. I know this must be incredibly hard for you. But it means a lot to me that you are willing to try."
He chuckled, "Shouldn't those be my lines, sweetheart?"
She smiled, "We both have to try, right?"
