START -
No Regrets
In early spring of 2015, my older brother, Mike was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. It had advanced far beyond the treatment point, and we knew that Mike was going to die. It was only a matter of time, so we set about making the last 3 months of his life comfortable.
Autumn rolled around and still Mike was with us. He had gained some weight and was feeling healthier. We all dared to hope that everything would be fine, that he was going to live. His doctor even told us his vitals had improved and that treatment options seemed to be working. We waited and hoped, prayed and begged for Mike to stay with us, at least long enough to see his son's fifth birthday. But cancer is a vile thing. One minute Mike and I were talking about his son's upcoming birthday celebration and the next he went into seizures. Despite being in the hospital, it was too late and he died of acute organ failure.
In October of 2015, we laid my brother to rest in the old cemetery outside of town. It was the hardest time of my life, harder still for the widow and son he had left behind. Since then, I have kept the promise I made to my brother. I have looked out for and cared for my nephew and sister-in-law. I always will...
Snow coated the ground outside Hailey's house in Northern Colorado. The snowflakes danced a beautiful ballet as they fell slow, covering every surface in a sheet of cold whiteness. My feet crunched in the snow but even that was muted; the evening air felt peaceful and serene. The bite of the cold was quickly replaced by the flush of warmth from the inside of Hailey's house as I opened the door, removing my coat in the process. I turned, hearing the thumping of small feet.
"Uncle Chris!!!," exclaimed Sean, my nephew.
"Hey there Ninja," I cried, grabbing his jumping form and giving him a great hug.
My nephew Sean would turn six years old in two weeks. We planned a large celebration for him, with a ninja theme, which was one of his favorite subjects. I felt a sudden twinge of emotion; today was the year anniversary of Mike's death. That my brother could not be here to witness how quickly his own son was growing, filled me with a sadness that lingered.
My sister-in-law, Hailey, walked up, kissed me on the cheek and took my coat, providing me the opportunity to converse with my excited Nephew.
"I have this really cool idea," Sean was saying at breakneck speed, "I think we should all take a trip to Japan and get Ninja training from real ninjas."
I laughed, "Go to Japan? That's pretty far away and it's pretty short notice."
"I know, I know but I really think we should go, it would be so cool," Sean's toothy smile made me laugh; he had lost his first baby teeth just recently.
"I'll tell you what," I said, setting him down and squatting in front of him, "Next year, on your 7th birthday, I'll take you and your mom on a trip to Japan, how does that sound?"
Sean's eyes widened and he yelled, "awesome" really loud. Hailey's jaw dropped and she looked at me somewhat angrily. She mouthed the word "seriously" to me and I responded with a nod. After Mike died, I wanted to surprise Sean with a trip to Japan, so I'd doubled down on work, took on extra clients and invested a little more aggressively. Now, I am committed to it.
Sean sobered unexpectedly and looked at me, "Will you keep your promise?"
"Of course," I said, "Why wouldn't I keep my promise?"
"Because Daddy didn't keep his promise," Sean said, looking down, "He promised he'd never leave me or mommy."
I couldn't help but tear up and I heard Hailey stifle a sob, though she hid it well. I grabbed Sean tightly, holding him close and attempted to compose myself. It was hard, hearing Hailey's muffled sobs but I managed. I eventually pushed Sean gently to arm's length.
"Listen to me, Sean. Your Daddy didn't leave you because he wanted to. He may not be here physically, but he asked me to look out for you and your mommy. I'm always here for you and protecting you. I won't break my promise, just like he didn't break his."
Sean smiled at me, said "I'm sorry Uncle Chris, I know you won't," hugged me and ran off. I stood and embraced Hailey, allowing her to cry softly into my shoulder. Her beautiful golden hair fell across my shoulder. I watched her shoulders shake for some time before they slowed. She pulled back and smiled, wiping the tears from her eyes.
"Thanks Chris. I don't know what I would do without you. You always seem to keep me together."
I leaned in to kiss her cheek. What happened next was unexpected. I'm not sure if my angle was wrong or if she moved at the last minute, but our lips touched lightly. We lingered there, lips connected and a spark of something was shared between us. I pulled back first, aware that the air in the room had grown awkward.
Sean ran back in and grabbed my hand, "Uncle Chris come look at this, I'm about ready to beat the Wallee video game. Come and watch me."
"Sure," I said, but my eyes couldn't leave Hailey's.
I stared into her deep blue orbs, searching for something that I wasn't even aware of. She stared back, unsure of what to say or do.
"I'm going to finish dinner," she said, walking off but looking back occasionally.
I let Sean drag me off, towards the living room. On their TV screen was an image of the video game made after the Wall-E Movie. I sat and watched; commenting on his progress through the level he was playing but couldn't stop my mind from reeling with the implications of what might have just happened.
Did she move purposefully? She must not have because she seemed surprised by it like I was. Did I move, angling to kiss her lips? I don't know why I would have but I couldn't make sense of my emotions.
My thoughts continued to reel throughout the evening. At dinner, we talked and laughed and joked, Hailey and I entertaining Sean as well as attempting to get him to finish his meal before his aunt and cousins arrived and picked him up for a sleepover. My eyes always found their way back to Hailey. I caught her watching me, an unfamiliar look in her eyes. It was arousing but it scared me. I didn't want to look at my brother's wife like this.
I couldn't help it though. I traced her face framed by golden hair that hung to her shoulders. I caught glimpses of her figure under her clothing. She was athletic but curvy, filled out perfectly in all the right areas. It was hard to suppress the feeling that I wanted to see more. Her eyes seemed to sparkle in ways I hadn't seen since before Mike's diagnosis.
Maybe, I thought to myself, maybe it was intentional. Both of us still miss Mike. Maybe our emotions got the best of us, that must be it, I decided, trying to push it from my mind once and for all.
Sometime later......
The car drove away, carrying Sean to his cousin's house. I watched and hefted the trash bag out of the trash can. After tying it securely, I walked outside; the cold air caused goose bumps to rise across my flesh. It was nice and sobering. My sudden aloneness with Hailey had made my senses hyperactive and the cold air was enough to refresh my control over my warring emotions. We hadn't spoken yet but it was inevitable. I figured I should act first, so we could put it behind us and move on. Hailey was a good friend that I didn't want to lose to a simple mistake.
I walked back inside and found her putting some dishes away. I stopped at the sink and washed my hands and then turned to her.
"Hailey, about earlier. I'm sorry. I just angled wrong when I went to give you a kiss on the cheek. It won't happen again."
She turned to look at me, that unusual look in her eyes that I didn't know.