My Day Begins And Ends With You

What do I do in a day:

I typically fall asleep after talking to you so I am always thinking of you in the morning - my mind is on you before my body even wakes up. I stretch with a huge smile on my face because I know I get another day with you - a phone call, a video, a text - I know I'll have at least one more Ryan memory to keep for the rest of my life. I get up and brush my teeth wondering if you're up yet? What toothpaste does he use hmm, does he close his eyes like I do when I brush (I know the answer to that now :)). I take a shower and think of sharing it with you and kisses under the water and our bodies touching intimately - like in a natural way, not sexual...just like "this is how we live" (I've told you I shower with the doors closed and don't share that with anyone...I would share every moment of my fucking life with you if I could). I get dressed either thinking you would love this! Or you would hate this! Or you would fuck me in this! I get my hair ready on different days thinking you would love to pull on this ponytail or maybe brush my loose hair across my neck or make fun or a pun of my blunt bangs...I don't wear makeup and smile to myself knowing that today he's going to tell me I'm beautiful again and I get butterflies with anticipation...I choose a lipgloss that make my lips shine so will keep thinking about kissing me.

This is all before I even leave the house for work.

I love when we get to have morning phone calls ...I feel like you can hear my smile when I say HI! I don't even try to play it cool with you because the vulnerable honesty between us makes this relationship (is that what this is? I dunno lol?) precious. You could hurt me really reallllly badly because I love you so much...too much? Believe me or don't believe me...actually no, there are no options. BELIEVE me when I tell you that I have never written a sexy story for anyone like I wrote for you, I have never cum for someone in the middle of the night just thru texting, I have never had to walk with extra undies to work before! I have never had this kind of love in my life before - not FOR someone and not FROM someone. You think you haven't been my firsts for so many things already? You have. You think you haven't been the fucking BEST for so many things already?? You have, you sooo have. Ryan, I have said this before but the way you look at me changes the way I breathe. The way I feel when you say you love me changes my heartbeat. The way I feel when I know I'm going to be with you changes every single dream I've ever had. It pains me that you sometimes question how I feel...I can't wait for you to know and experience how much love I have for you and JUST YOU.

Our video calls give me fucking liiiiife. Even when we don't say anything - the way we look at each other says everything. I would hate to be someone else looking at us - the feelings between us would make the entire world jealous and make any other love inadequate. Am I being a dick? Maybe! I just can't imagine other people feeling this depth of emotion. I love your smoldering looks lol the ones where I know you're thinking of fucking me and loving on me..ugh feeling that wanted makes me so excited ;) I could watch you all day. I could talk to you all day. I could fight with you all day because we fight about how much we love each other and that's a fight I am willing to have. I could laugh with you for the rest of my life. It's incredible that I want this with you even with all the limitations because I am a crazy greedy person and super possessive and jealous as all fuck which you might know...even with all that, I want you. Desperately. Fully. Totally. All of you - the good bad and ugly...and the beautiful.

I don't just like talking to you at night - I need it. I want it. It's like air for me. Even if all you do is check in to say goodnight...I can't sleep without it...or without you being the last person I talk to. One day you might think I'm a creepy psycho stalker lol but now you think it's cute so I'm going to milkkkkk it.

Things that hurt:

Mine but not mine - fucking painful. Someone else has you and it drives me nuts sometimes. Like most of the time I just remind myself that yes, this is our situation but some moments kind of gut punch me - you have a whole future with your wife and you have a full past as well. I feel so inadequate sometimes - like how am I ever going to measure up enough to deserve your love and attention? I don't get to make new memories with you and I don't get to talk to you whenever I want and I don't get to cuddle up into you when I'm sad...I don't get to comfort you, I'm not the person you go to for help or physical affection - if I thought about these things too much I would crumble. Yes I know, it sounds kind of dramatic lol but I desperately (ew that word) want to be a part of your life, your world, your days minutes seconds...I know I know, I'm kind of being a bit much but thats how much inwant you, your heart, your body, your cum, your spit, your tears...every ounce of you is mine.

Long distance is hard; a secret love is hard - our situation compounds and frustrates but I will bear it all just to be with you once.