Heather's Story
Court-ordered marriage counseling is a challenge. I should know, I've been involved in a dozen cases. Getting couples to be honest and participate with an open mind is hard enough without having one partner who is forced to attend.
These circumstances were unusual. John was seeking a divorce, and Debbie contested it, but it was John who had cheated on Debbie. Usually, it's the cheater who contests the divorce. Also, after paying some lip service to not being there by choice, John participated every bit as much as Debbie did, and maybe more.
The judge ordered eight sessions. That's not a lot. It means I can't let the process proceed at its natural pace. I can only push ahead and hope that the couple makes progress when they are outside the sessions. I use a bit of a 'total immersion' approach where we have two, two-hour sessions a week. If I can't have three months or more to help a couple decide the fate of their relationship, let's put everything in the microwave and get everything on the table as soon as possible.
In the first session, I asked each couple to explain what brought them to counseling and what they hoped to get out of it. John started to explain that he was only there because of the court order, but I nipped that in the bud.
I told him, "John, the court order is an artifact of the situation, not the cause of anything. We need to discuss the breakdown of your relationship from both points of view."
That was the last 'I am only hear because I have to be' that I heard from John. That was surprising.
They agreed on the details regarding John's one-night stand. However, while John accepted that his betrayal caused Debbie pain, Debbie said he couldn't possibly know how much he hurt her. Before an argument started about that, I interceded and prompted John to describe how he felt about his actions.
I don't think either of them understood at that moment that John's reaction was critical to their future. When the cheater in a couple wants a free pass, says it was 'sex not love', and wants the other partner to 'just get over it', the chances are good that the relationship is doomed.
When John's response about how he felt focused on his remorse and guilt, I knew they had something to build on. The saying, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' implies that people cannot learn, and that's obviously wrong. If cheaters learn from their actions and the consequences of those actions, the lessons will influence their future behavior.
John and Debbie did not agree on much regarding Debbie's date. Debbie explained that the date was intended to show John how much he hurt her. She didn't see it as 'getting even', or as a punishment for John, and she was adamant that she had no romantic feelings for the man she dated.
The date felt very different to John. He felt it was punishment, probably indicated Debbie was interested in some other man, and made him wonder if she was only staying with him so she could continue to punish him.
When Debbie argued again that she had no interest in the man, John asked her if the man had any interest in her. Debbie admitted he did, and there was a noticeable increase in tension in the room.
Things did not improve when we discussed the final steps in the breakdown of their relationship, Debbie going out to a bar and meeting men, and John filing for divorce.
The strongest reaction I had to the first session was surprise at how little John and Debbie had communicated prior to our session. While their marriage was collapsing, they hardly spoke to each other. Lack of communication makes things worse, not better, and it's no surprise to me they wound up in divorce court and then my office.
Couples are often at odds in the first session and it's not unusual for the session to end badly. That's one of the reasons that I schedule two sessions a week. I do not want bad feelings to stew for a week.
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For session two, I asked Debbie and John to describe how they met and fell in love. As you might guess, I hoped that recounting their love story would counteract some of the negative emotions they carried out of the first session. This mostly worked as intended, and the session ended on a positive note.
In session three, we focused on John's behavior and decision making on the night of his one-night stand and for the following two weeks. How did he end up alone in a bar with another woman? Why did he respond when she kissed him? He knew he had done wrong. Why didn't he admit it?
This was a difficult session for both parties. John's remorse was genuine, and it hurt him greatly to see Debbie's reaction. In the short discussion Debbie and John had on the night Emma told Debbie of their hookup, Debbie's anger masked the hurt she felt. While John knew he had hurt her, sessions three was the first time he saw it up close.
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Session four nearly ended the chances for a reconciliation, a reconciliation that I thought was likely and the right outcome.
Our topic was the aftermath of Emma's revelation to Debbie. In a turnaround compared to session three, Debbie got to see first-hand how her reaction affected John, including the three weeks of a 'cold war'--as John described it--and, especially, her decision to go on a date.
It was clear that Debbie did not accept that her date made the situation worse, not better, and said even if it did, she blamed John for it. She described John's decision to move out as an overreaction and compared it to what she considered was her more measured response to his one-night stand.
Debbie grew more and more upset during the session until she lost control.
I believe I am good at what I do, but no one is perfect, and I misread the situation. Debbie was resisting accepting responsibility for any of the events that followed John's one-night stand. I tried to explain that assessing blame was not anyone's goal, but that both of them had to understand that actions have consequences.
"Debbie, you heard me tell John that we can control our own actions, but we can't control the consequences. He cheated, and you reacted in a way that he didn't expect. You froze him out and then went on a date. You didn't expect him to move out, but he did. You two weren't communicating, it was a downward spiral and by discussing it now, we're trying..."
She interrupted me. All her emotion came out in a torrent.
"Enough. ENOUGH! I can't take it. He cheated, and now he wants a divorce. We were saving to buy a house, now we're spending money on lawyers, and counseling, and an apartment for him. Everything we built is going to shit. Everything is shit... and both of you are blaming me."
It's common for the wife or husband to feel that I am on the other side. If I am doing my job, neither side feels that way, but the next best thing is if they both feel it a little.
I tried to regain control of the session.
