The White Duck
Charlotte bolted upright in her bed, gasping for breath. Her eyes darted around the dark room. For a few minutes, she wasn’t sure where she was, or why she felt so terrified.
This can’t be happening again, she thought as her mind began to reassemble some sort of order. She laid back down and put her hand on her chest. Her heart was beating so hard it seemed as if she could hear it. Just breathe, she told herself, you know what to do. This isn’t the first time. Why now, though? It’s been years, since I was a kid, after Mom died. But that wasn’t right, she realized. The night terrors had returned once before, two or three times, when she first started college. She’d nearly forgotten that.
She got out of bed and slipped on her robe. She walked into the living room and sat on the couch. There was a drawer in the side of the coffee table. She opened it and took out a pipe and a small baggie of marijuana. Lying back on the couch, she packed and lit the bowl, then took a long toke. After a few minutes she began to feel relaxed enough to think rationally. It was obvious why she’d had the terrors when she was young, she was reacting to the shock of her mother’s death. It was also logical to assume that those that came in her first few nights at USM were connected to moving away from home for the first time. And now? That seemed obvious as well. It was because she had finished law school and stood at another changing point in her life. And it was because of Seth, and because of Julia Rose.
She had not seen Julia since college, and they had not been close friends, so she had been surprised when she approached her at the Dean’s reception for the law school graduates.
“Charlotte! I am so glad to see you,” Julia said, giving her a hug. “I was hoping you’d be here. I was very pleased when I saw your name on the list.”
“Nice to see you, too,” Charlotte replied, puzzled by Julia’s enthusiasm, “How have you been?”
“I have been great,” Julia said, taking her arm and leading her toward the bar. “So, you took a couple of years off before entering law school, I take it?”
“Yes, I have been working as a paralegal at Longley, Mills and King while I decided what to do.”
“I’m having a G and T, how about you?” Julia asked.
“I’m not much for gin,” Charlotte replied, “I’ll have a scotch and soda.”
“That’s a lawyer’s drink,” Julia laughed.
The bartender handed them their drinks and Julia gestured for Charlotte to follow her. They stepped out of the reception hall on to a wide veranda.
“Stuffy in there,” Julia said, “and loud. I wanted to go somewhere we could talk.”
A warm spring breeze was blowing in over Back Cove. “I forgot that when the wind was blowing this way, you could smell the beans baking at the B&M factory,” Julia said.
“I find it comforting,” Charlotte replied, wondering why Julia was so interested in talking to her.
“So, Charlotte, I did not run into you by chance.”
“I got that impression.”
“Do you remember when we went against each other in mock court, senior year?”
“I remember. You beat me.”
“I did.” Julia leaned on the railing and sipped her drink. “I beat you on the merits, not on your handling of the case.”
“Well, you beat me, either way.”
“True, but I beat everybody, and that’s not the point. The point is, I walked away from that thinking you’d be a fine lawyer some day, but that wasn’t what impressed me. No, what impressed me was your passion.”
Charlotte shrugged. “Passion isn’t really an asset in a courtroom.”
“True, but ninety percent of what lawyers do isn’t in a courtroom. Anyway, you’re probably thinking I ought to get to my point.”
Charlotte nodded and took a drink.
“So, after graduating from USM I went to law school at Penn. Passed the bar and moved back to Pittsburgh. I set up a practice with my friend, Karen Wong. Rose and Wong, great name for a firm, right? Anyway, we have focused our practice on women’s issues. Employment discrimination, child custody, domestic abuse. As you can imagine, there is plenty of work.”
She took a drink, and turned to face Charlotte.
“In fact, it’s more work than we can handle. So, we’ve been looking for help. Sadly, when I tell people that we are more concerned with doing good work than making a fortune, most people lose interest. But then I remembered that fierce bitch who almost beat me back at USM, just because she had so much passion for the case. And that was only mock court. I thought, Jesus, what would she be like when it was a real woman with two black eyes sitting across the table from her and asking for help?”
Charlotte did not know what to say. She had assumed that she’d continue at Longley and eventually make junior partner. Maybe someday she might build up a nest egg that would allow her to set up her own practice and take the kind of cases she dreamed of, helping people who really needed help. Julia’s offer was an opportunity to do so from the start. But it came with costs.
“Pittsburgh?” she said.
“Full partnership. Rose, Wong and Faulkner. How does that sound?”
“I’d have to consider the finances of course. And I never thought about moving from Maine.”
“I understand. First of all, we aren’t starving. You’ll do alright. You won’t make the kind of money you can at Longley, but you won’t be representing real estate developers and insurance companies, either. And I know moving away from friends and family is hard, but you won’t get this kind of opportunity here.”
Charlotte finished her drink. “It’s a great offer. A dream offer. But I’ll have to consider it.”
“Of course. You’d be a sucky lawyer if you didn’t.”
“I’m not even a lawyer, yet.”
“But you will be. You won’t have any trouble with your bar exam. Listen, you don’t have to say yes now, just don’t say no until you’ve given it some thought.”
Charlotte agreed and they went back inside. They made a little small talk,but Charlotte could not focus on the conversation. She excused herself, told Julia she’d be in touch in a few days, and left the reception.
As she drove back to her apartment, she made a conscious effort at putting aside her excitement about Julia’s offer and tried to concentrate on considering the downsides.
There was Seth, of course, but she couldn’t even start to unwrap that issue at this point. If she didn’t want to accept the offer, then there was no need to even think about that yet.
How bad would it be to move to Pittsburgh? She loved Maine, but she wasn’t like her sister. She couldn’t be happy spending the rest of her life in the same small town where she grew up. Jennifer had a special connection to the land. She didn’t understand it. She assumed it had something to do with their mother’s death, and she did not have to understand it to respect it. But she felt no such connection. Home was where her family was, and nothing more. And Pittsburgh wasn’t that far away, was it? It wasn’t like moving all the way across the country.
Once she was home and in bed, her mind drifted back to Seth. His career path was locked in place, he wasn’t going to be interested in pulling up stakes and moving hundreds of miles away. And if he was interested, did she want him to? They had been going out for four years. It startled her to realize that it was the longest relationship of her life. And yet, they had made no move toward living together or even making any formal declaration of commitment. They had even drifted apart a few times, and she’d gone on a handful of dates with other men. Maybe she should seriously consider why, after so much time, she had never pushed to make more of the relationship.
She drifted off to sleep thinking of him. A few hours later, she woke up in a panic.
***
Four years earlier
She was at the South Portland deposition to take notes, but it was all being recorded anyway, so she really had nothing to do except monitor the recording to make sure nothing went wrong. Her mind wandered and she began to notice the man at the end of the table. He was the only other person in the room under fifty years old. He was kind of cute, but in a goofy way. She didn’t really care for the red hair, it somehow made him look too boyish for her taste. But when he looked up and their eyes met, he smiled and she found herself smiling back.
When the deposition was finished, the lawyers all left the room, leaving her to gather up her things without staying a word to her. If you do become a lawyer, she told herself, don’t be such a dick. The city officials on the other side of the table left as well, but as she prepared to go, she noticed that the red headed guy was still there. Was he looking over some papers, or just pretending? He glanced up when she stood.
“It was nice meeting you,” he said.
“We didn’t really meet,” she replied.
