The Queen of Hearts
Alvin woke up in the big four poster bed. He rolled over and reached for the pillow on the other side of the mattress. He buried his face in it while he cleared his head of sleep. Something seemed just a little bit off this morning. He sniffed the pillow and realized that it just smelled like a pillow. For years, he had clutched it before he went to sleep and again when he woke, because it smelled like Bonnie. Her scent had probably faded away long ago, but in Alvin's mind it had lingered. Now, it was gone.
He sat up and lifted his jeans from the floor. He judged they were clean enough to wear another day. He pulled them on and padded barefoot out of the bedroom.
The bathroom door was closed but he could hear water running. Even after two months, he had not really adjusted to living with women in the house again. He wondered if it was Jennifer or Danni in there. If it was Danni, she'd be out quick. The young woman was remarkably efficient, Alvin thought, button down and by the book. But if it was Jennifer, he'd be dancing in the hallway for a while. He started to knock, then shrugged and went down the stairs. His father had liked to say that he'd never live in a house where he couldn't piss off the back porch, and right now, Alvin saw great wisdom in that statement. As he relieved himself, he scoured the sky. The morning was clear and cool, but there was a haze on the horizon that indicated that it would be hot and muggy later.
He went inside and washed his hands at the kitchen sink. He put a pan on the stove to heat. As he was getting a slab of bacon from the refrigerator, Danni came down the stairs and greeted him.
"Morning Danni, how are you?"
"I am fine, thank you," she replied as she turned on the coffeemaker. Alvin had once been put off by her seeming aloofness, but over time he had come to understand that she was a warm hearted woman behind an unassailable shield of personal dignity.
By the time Jennifer stumbled down the stairs Alvin and Danni had the bacon and coffee ready and had started making eggs and toast.
"You always did wake up by sense of smell," Alvin joked as his daughter poured herself a cup of coffee and flopped down at the kitchen table. Angus moseyed into the kitchen and jumped into her lap.
When the food was ready, the three of them sat and ate together. Alvin knew he would miss them when they returned to Orono for their last year of college, but took comfort that when they came back in the spring, it would be to stay.
"So, how's Mary?" Jennifer asked, "Haven't seen her around lately."
"Mary's fine," Alvin said, "we're just taking our time with things."
Jennifer looked skeptical. "You sure? Seems like you two cooled off."
Alvin shook his head. "No, we are just figuring out how we fit."
"I guess that's an issue for straight couples," Jennifer laughed.
"You know what I meant," Alvin said, rolling his eyes, "I mean, we reached a particular point and now we have to figure out where we go from there."
"I don't get this particular point thing."
"You know, when it becomes serious."
"When you tell her you love her," Danni said.
Alvin nodded.
"Oh!" Jen exclaimed, "Did you screw this up and tell her before she was ready?"
"Jeezum crow, no," Alvin said, throwing up his hands, "She more or less told me to say it."
"Did she say it back?" Danni asked.
"Yes."
"Well, alright then," Jen said, breaking a piece off the last strip of bacon and feeding it to Angus before eating the rest of it herself.
"But, that brings up issues, don't you know," Alvin shrugged.
"Like what?"
"Well, like, she's a city girl. You think she's going to want to live in the willywacks of Maine the rest of her life? And I sure as shit ain't about to go live in California."
"Ha! I can see you strolling around in sandals and socks."
Alvin looked at Danni. "I told Bonnie that we should give the kids regular beatings, but she wouldn't have it."
"Yeah," Jennifer scoffed, "like you were the tough parent."
"Well, there is the other thing. I guess her Mom is wicked riled over the age business. Can't see her alienating her own family over somebody she ain't known long."
"I did," Danni said. Jen took her hand and kissed her cheek.
Alvin hung his head."I'm sorry, Danni."
"It's fine," she nodded, "you didn't mean to be insensitive."
It was quiet for a moment, then Alvin asked, "So what's on the agenda today?"
"Finishing the electrical," Jen said, "Still need to get the insulation in and the drywall up. If there's time I'd like to get the painting done before we leave."
"And the furnace?"
Danni answered. "It will be delivered Friday."
"Well, call on me if you need help with it." He looked at the two of them, and felt a surge of pride. "The two of you have done a hell of a job, I'll tell you.I never expected you to be as far along as you are."
They had worked on the house all summer, and with only a little more than a week left before the fall semester began, it was near completion. Alvin had pitched in when he had time, and Tim had helped Danni with the roofing. A few of Jen's high school friends had come by now and then, but for the most part, the two young women had really done it themselves, they had built their own house.
"I wish your Mom could see what you've done," Alvin said, reminded of Mary's feelings about her father, "She'd be so proud of you."
"Thanks, Daddy," Jen said.
"Yes, thank you," Danni concurred.
They cleaned up the breakfast dishes and Alvin went upstairs to prepare for the day while the girls went out to work on the house.
As he showered he thought more about his girls, and how well they had turned out. He was sure that Bonnie would be proud of both of them, and maybe of him as well. It had not been easy, but he supposed he had done alright.
His determination to be strong for his daughters was the only thing that kept him from collapsing into inconsolable grief in the months after he'd found Bonnie in her garden. He had help, of course. His mother, as poor as her own health was, rose to the occasion, showering the girls with grandmotherly love. Diana took care of many of the household duties of which Alvin was clueless, and even Tim was helpful, taking the girls to McDonalds or a movie when Alvin began to feel overwhelmed. But the bottom line was, he was their surviving parent, and the emotional burden fell squarely on his shoulders.
Charlotte grieved hard for the first few weeks, sometimes spontaneously weeping at the slightest reminder of her mother. But then she seemed to will herself to get past it, and at first Alvin was proud of the way she had toughened up. It reminded him of his own response to his father's sudden death. But then the night terrors began. That was perhaps when he came closest to losing control, hearing his little girl screaming in the middle of the night, and knowing that while he could hold her and comfort her, he could do nothing to prevent the terror from returning the next night. After a time, the bad nights grew further apart and eventually stopped, but Alvin knew all that pain was not gone but was stored up, and would one day find an outlet. When she began to show signs of promiscuity with boys at school, he realized that he needed more help than family could provide, and for a year he took Charlotte to Bangor every Tuesday afternoon to see a counselor. Her behavior improved, but Alvin feared the root of the problem had never been addressed.
Jennifer was more stoic about her mother's death. Alvin had always felt that while Charlotte was very much her mother's girl, Jennifer was more like him. It was obvious that she grieved for her mother, but she adjusted quickly to the new normality. While Alvin worried about Charlotte, he thought that raising Jennifer would be smooth sailing. So, he was surprised on the bitter January day when the middle school principal called and asked him if he could come in for a conference.
He was waiting outside the school when classes ended. When Jennifer came out, she looked at him with a puzzled face which quickly fell into a downcast expression.
"Come on, let's go get ice cream," he said as they walked to the car.
"Dad, it's like fifteen degrees. People don't eat ice cream when it's this cold."
"Well, I guess they won't be sold out, then."
They drove to Wendy's Diner and took a booth in the back. Alvin ordered a bowl of coffee ice cream and Jennifer got a strawberry milkshake.
"So," Alvin began tentatively, "I got called to come in and talk to the principal. I'm figuring you know what it was about."
Jennifer looked down into her glass. "I guess so."
"Alright, well let's start with you ain't in no kind of trouble, so you can go ahead and look at me when we are talking."
Jennifer looked up at her father.
