Margret had never seen rain like this. She had lived her whole like within a twenty-mile radius. She was a rancher, there were still a few left in Northern California. She had been caring for horses since she could walk and had been raising cattle since she had married Ben the month she graduated from High School. She stood on her porch watching the water fall from the sky and roll down the slope in front of their small house. She still called it their house. He had passed almost two years ago but it would always be their house. She was covered from head to toe. The rain suit had been his and she looked tiny covered in the heavy rubber but she was dry. She had checked the horses; they were settled in and fed. She couldn't do much for the cattle. They would be hungry when it finally cleared enough to get the quad up and out to haul feed. She really shouldn't be out of the house at all. There was a risk of mudslides. The washes were probably flooded as well. She would have been happy enough to settle down into her bed and spend the day with her books.
She didn't smoke and seldom drank more than a glass of wine so she had few needs that were desperate enough to force her to venture out. She was out of coffee though. Even after she had nursed what she had left she was out and she needed it. She looked at the keys to the truck in her hand. It was a large heavy truck and she would drive slowly. She would be okay. She would get coffee and she would get donuts. She didn't need the donuts, not the way she needed coffee. She just wanted them. She wanted the little machine made chocolate ones. She liked how they tasted when held in the coffee until the cake soaked through and was held in place by the waxy brown coating. Her feet sank into the mud with each step almost to her ankle. She pulled herself into the cab of the old Ford and as the diesel turned over she sat for a moment enjoying the heat at her feet and the sound of the large drops clanking on the metal over her head.
The drive way to the house was soaked through and she had to engage the four-wheel drive. She smiled at all the times she had teased Ben about how the truck had six tires but only four-wheel drive. It always made him sigh, as if she was the one being silly. The county road was paved and there were no tourists or trucks on it, not on a day like today. She made her way down the hill to the creek. It was a bridged creek and she hadn't even considered it would be as far as she could go. Trey's old red Dodge was parked in the middle of the road and she stopped behind it. She let the diesel idle and stepped back out into the wet. She found the young man standing in front of his truck watching the water run over the bridge. The red and white striped pole that warned of the danger was entirely submerged.
"What the hell are you doing out here, Maggie?" he asked. He didn't look at her; he just stared at the rolling water. He was soaked through. His wide brimmed cowboy hat and canvas jacket were little protection against this much rain and she couldn't help but watch how the water dripped off his cheeks, nose, and the greying whiskers of his goatee. She had known him when he was nothing more than a kid, helping ben on the ranch for a few dollars in the afternoons after school. If he was going gray, how impossibly old what she?
"Coffee." She said simply. He didn't say a word, only pursed his lips and nodded. She stood silently beside him. She was dry but was getting cold. He had to be chilled clear through. She couldn't help but think about his long lean body cold to the touch. She shook her head as if it would help shake the image out of her head. "How's Kayley holding up?" she asked him, as if discussing his young wife would help sober her up.
"Fine." He said, after what felt like too long. She didn't comment right away and the pause seemed to draw him out. "I suppose she's fine," he continued. "She's in the city." Each brief sentence was punctuated with a break and she wondered what he was thinking and not saying. "Staying with a friend."
He had accented the word "friend." She didn't want to understand what he was saying but she did. Suddenly she ached for the boy. She thought of how she used to make oversized sandwiches for him. He would pedal up to the house with a book bag on his back. She would feed him and then send him off to wherever Ben was working. When she looked back at him the tall heartbroken man seemed little if anything like the boy she had known back then.
"Fuck." She thought to herself not realizing she had said anything.
"What?" he sputtered, surprised by the word. He turned to her and a smile crawled across his face seemed to light up the gray day.
"Oh my god. I am sorry." She truly was. "I guess I just really need coffee."
"I'll bring some by. I don't want you going through the DT's." He grinned at her. She felt warm at the idea and again had to fight off thoughts she knew were inappropriate.
"Oh god, you don't have to do that." She said. It was one of those things a person says and doesn't mean and she wanted to take it back when she realized he might take her seriously.
"It's no problem. I'm not going anywhere today, that's for sure." He turned and looked at their trucks. "You need to get on home."
"So do you. You are drenched. You are going to catch cold."
Her words caused him to realize just how cold and wet he was and he shivered briefly throwing off droplets like a wet dog. "Go on. I'm right behind you." He said. Large strong hands reached out to her and she was surprised by just how closely they had been standing. He turned her by her shoulders and she trudged through an inch deep layer of water that was now flowing down the pavement into the creek. Inside the truck she was warm and dry and she watched him as he tugged the heavy chain across the roadway and fixed it to the posts on either side to keep anyone from foolishly trying to cross the flooded bridge. Without thinking she expertly turned the large truck around and it growled as it climbed the hill up towards her house.
As she made her way back up the county road she thought of the pretty young blonde. She had never fit into life out here. Trey had met her when he was in the service. Stationed in Pendleton he had picked her up in a bar close to the beach. She was one of those California girls that was too pretty for her own good. She was pretty enough that she drew attention from any man with a pulse but not as pretty as the women that made a living out of it.
Ben had been suspicious from the start. Before he was sick they would see the young couple around town. They met at parties and even had invited them over once or twice. The girl ran hot and cold depending on her mood. At first she had hated the country and the lack of distractions but after a few months, she seemed to be fitting in. Ben didn't trust it. "Every man in town gives her that look. She likes the attention. It's good for her but bad for Ben. I feel for him." Ben had argued. When the rumors began she turned cold again. Through Ben's illness Margaret had seen Trey from time to time. He would come by and offer to help around the ranch. When he picked up feed, he would pick up theirs as well and bring it out for her. The young blonde wasn't around much then. Maggie had questions for Trey. Was she just visiting the city or was she gone? How did he feel about it?
Maggie had never had kids and she wondered if what she was feeling was motherly or if it was something else.
After running from the truck to the porch she shed her rain suit at the back door and tossed it onto a wicker chair out of the rain. She was surprised by how dry her clothes were underneath it. Still, she padded in sock feet to the laundry room and tugged off her sweatshirt and jeans. Stripped down to her panties and a T-shirt she slipped quietly through the house wishing she had her caffeine fix and wondering if her coffee addiction was healthy. She turned the tap on the shower and waited for it to get hot. Her mind wandered briefly. How long had it been? Ben had been gone almost two years and the cancer that ate away at his prostate had ruined him for nearly a year before that. Jesus, how time can slip away. She pulled off the T-shirt and looked in the mirror at herself. Her panties, too practical to begin with and now overly neglected, went straight to the waste bin when she pulled them off.
She didn't think she looked as old as she felt. Unlike most women who had spent their lives on horseback and on ranches, her skin was surprisingly soft and smooth. She had none of that leathery look that most of her friends had. Her pale freckled skin burned too quickly. She couldn't let herself be exposed the way they had when they were younger. She hadn't had children. Not by any conscience decision, it just had never happened, and her breasts were still round and full. Certainly, they didn't stand up and off of her ribcage the way they had back when she and Ben were slipping out of class to find a secluded spot to make love underneath a tree but they were all right. As the bathroom began to fill with steam and the small mirror began to fog over she climbed her way into the tub for a long hot shower. She didn't make a decision to take on the long overdue task of grooming her body the way a woman does when it is going to be seen, but she did it anyway. Her shower drug on long after she normally would have been out and eventually the water turned from hot to tepid. She wrestled herself out of her stupor before it went cold.
She refused to admit what she was doing, even to herself. Once, when her fingers and the soap and razor had brushed so closely to the parts of her that had been so long neglected the word seduction had actually come to mind and it had shocked her to the point that her whole body had shivered. She chased away the conscience thought but the intent, welling up from deep within her could not be chased away so casually and after slowly drying herself and rubbing lotion carefully into her skin from the tops of her feet to the back of her neck, she wiped the mirror clear and carefully applied eye liner and lipstick. She was pleased with how she looked. She let her red curls run free rather then tying them up behind her head as usual.
"You've got that crazy red head look going on. I'm in trouble." She heard Ben say - a voice from the past.
"Would you have it any other way?" She said aloud. How many times had they had this exchange over the years?
"Not on your life." He would respond, a rare smile stretching from ear to ear. She never really understood the phrase but she understood the meaning. She could remember the first time he had said it. They had ditched class and taken off to the old pond. The pond was dry now but back then it had been wide and deep and he had suggested a swim. She had dared him to go through with it and the look in her eye and the way her red curls spilled out in a tangle around her freckled cheeks had drawn a look from him she will never forget. She stripped naked in front of the speechless boy and ran flat out until she was knee deep in the water before turning and baring her chest to him. He was hers from that day on.
She hadn't let herself be his crazy red head in a long time. He wouldn't have liked that.
