Lying

Author's note: White supremacy is a plot driver in this story. If you're not comfortable with frank discussions about race and societal expectations, the following isn't for you.

I like to write characters who are flawed--they make stupid decisions because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, or they're conflicted and dealing with their own issues just like we all are. I sincerely thank those of you who understand that a big part of the human condition is how we're capable of growth and change.

"The defense recognises that this is Mr. Bromley's second offense before the court, but we are prepared to proceed with this bail hearing, Your Worship," Nyssa Gallagher straightened her files at her counsel table, sure that based on her brief interview with the scruffy gentleman beside her, this would be pretty straightforward.

As she quickly tied up her crimped, blonde hair, she shot a little smile across the aisle at Ilan Shivanesan, who she was glad was the Crown Attorney in bail court today. He was charitable to duty counsel like her, understanding it was a huge load to be a public defender and fight for people you just met an hour ago.

Nyssa also took a moment to appreciate how Ilan's slim-cut gray suit fit him like he was born in it, while she thought she looked like she'd taken a nap in her blouse and dress pants. His shoulders were broad despite his lean frame, and he stood at about 5'11" with inky black hair, saddle-brown skin, and deep-set dark eyes.

"Mr. Bromley, this hearing is just to determine whether you can be released into the community pending the resolution of this matter; not whether you committed the offense you're accused of," Nyssa explained to her client-of-the-day when he was on the stand and sworn in. He nodded, indicating he understood.

"I've been trying to change," Mr. Bromley said once he sat down. "I know you told me you don't usually put the defendant on the stand, but I wanted to tell the judge--"

"The justice of the peace," Nyssa corrected him.

"Right. I wanted to tell him this was an honest mistake. I'm really trying to turn my life around. I'm getting my high school diploma and I just have a semester to go," Mr. Bromley continued.

"I also have a wonderful girlfriend who's here today, and she's pregnant with my child." Before Nyssa could stop him, he called out into the gallery. "Honey, could you come up to the front, please?"

Mr. Bromley was searching the left side of the body of the courtroom, where a woman who seemed to be about eight months pregnant stood up with great strain. As Nyssa looked on in horror, however, a second figure also stood up from her seat in the back--with much less strain, as she appeared to be only five months pregnant.

Nyssa and Ilan both had their backs toward the JP, which was fortunate because the stance hid her expression of pure mortification and his attempt to bite his lip to avoid exploding in laughter.

"Ella?" the eight-months pregnant woman said to her counterpart at the back.

"Sophie?" Ella replied. "I thought you two broke up."

"If it makes any difference, Your Worship," Ilan spoke up, unable to resist, "the Crown would accept either girlfriend as the defendant's surety."

"Mr. Shivanesan, that's unnecessary, and this is your only warning," the JP said. "Ms. Gallagher, do you need to stand this matter down?"

"The only one who needs to stand down is that bitch!" Sophie shouted. "I can't even put my shoes on from the front I'm so big right now, and you've been fucking my man all this time?"

"That's enough!" the JP ordered. "Will the court officer--"

"I swear, I had no idea they'd both show up," Mr. Bromley stammered, seeming grateful to be 15 meters away from both women he'd impregnated.

"You can't hold on to a man

after

you break up, Sophie!" Ella shouted back. "It's a man, not a stock option!"

Ilan pursed his lips and put his hand to the side of his face so the JP wouldn't see him stifling his chortles. Nyssa felt her face heating up and all she wanted to do was have the ground swallow her whole.

But luckily, no one was looking at her, especially not when Sophie stalked the length of the courtroom to the back and Ella went to meet her halfway. Two officers from Halton Regional Police bolted from their seats to apprehend each woman before they made contact, just as Sophie clumsily lunged at Ella.

"Oh, shit," Nyssa heard Ilan mutter between laughs, careful to stand away from the ambient mics in the room to avoid being caught on the official court recording. But as she was looking over at her fellow attorney on her left, Nyssa felt a hand on right shoulder.

"How could you let this happen?" Mr. Bromley had stepped down from the stand and was looking at her accusingly.

"

Me??

"

This dumpster fire is not going to blame me for him not covering it up,

Nyssa thought. "Sir, I called the number you gave me and spoke to Sophie myself. If you don't know how Ella learned about your bail hearing, how could I possibly have predicted this when I didn't even know she existed until now?"

"Nevermind," Mr. Bromley evaded the question as everyone in the gallery watched both his girlfriends be apprehended by Halton Police and removed from the courtroom. "Your Honour--"

"Your Worship, asshole," Ilan mumbled from across the aisle, brushing his mouth against his suit jacket as he spoke. Nyssa glanced at the court reporter, who grinned, indicating it came through clear enough on her mics.

"--I'd like to represent myself."

Ilan was now practically salivating, while Nyssa quickly packed up her files before Mr. Bromley had a chance to reconsider. She looked over at Ilan, humbled and embarrassed, but he just gave her a quick wink and nod.

"The Crown is agreeable, Your Worship," he announced, turning back around and straightening out his suit jacket. Nyssa was just thankful to get out of there and back to the bail desk to pick up more work. There were a lot of other things she needed to do instead of humiliating herself in front of Ilan.

***********

"The math checks out," Ron said, munching on his sandwich as he leaned back in his chair behind the bail desk. "He's getting desperate just when girlfriend number one's morning sickness is ramping up. So he goes after girlfriend number two as the newest member of the league of extra-horny gentlemen."

Nyssa clamped a hand over her mouth to keep the mouthful of coffee she'd just gulped from dribbling out.

"And it looks like I'm going to be joining the league, myself," Ron added, looking down the hallway behind Nyssa. She swiveled around, briefly spotted Ilan, then turned back. He was probably on his way to another courtroom. But then she felt him behind her and saw his shadow fall across the bail desk.

"I know you're going to be telling this story at parties for years to come," she said, dropping her head and not turning around to face him, "but can you please leave my name out of it?" She heard him lightly snickering.

"Hey, Ron, how's it going?" he asked instead of responding to Nyssa, who had now sidestepped him and was about to peruse her next file.

"Going much better now, dreamboat," Ron casually smiled.

"The absolute gall, Ron," Ilan grinned. "We're only in the perfect place to file sexual harassment charges. You're lucky I'm flattered."

"Not so lucky you're engaged," Ron shot back. Ilan then noticed Nyssa's expression of abject shock.

"I was just about to tell you, Nyss," he said apologetically. "Only Ron and a couple of other people at work know so far."

No,

she denied.

Nooooooooo, Ron had to have said 'you're gay' or something.

She knew for a fact Ilan definitely wasn't gay but she didn't want to believe she had lost him forever. She had to have misheard.

"When's that big, fat, Sri Lankan wedding going to happen anyway?" Ron asked as Nyssa half-turned toward the elevator and tried to inconspicuously lean on the desk for support.

When she recovered, she took the opportunity to scoot around the desk and grab the next hearing she was slated to conduct after lunch, burying her face in it as she held back tears. She flipped through the folder, pretending to be deeply interested in the simple assault charge before her.

"Oh, wow, in about six months," Ilan replied, as though he just remembered. "My mom and Priya are planning everything, though. I wanted to be involved but got shoved out of the room."

"Are you serious, man?" Ron asked. Then he lowered his voice. "Can I ask you why straight people do this?" A slow grin spread across Ilan's face. "When Tim and I were planning our wedding, we were

both

working on it.

"Meanwhile with the straights, it's either the guy gets shoved out of the room, or he expects to be handed his suit when he just shows up the morning of the wedding. I mean, it's definitely not

all

straight couples, but it's too many for it to not be a pattern."

"Well," Ilan looked thoughtful, "you're fortunate I was recently elected president of the straights." Nyssa was suspended in a surreal moment of wanting to laugh, wanting to cry, and wanting to throw up.

It's really over,

she realised.

That window is going to close on me forever.

"But I'm going to have to take this question back to the straight wedding committee and get a consensus on that answer," Ilan continued, both he and Ron still oblivious to Nyssa reeling from her gut punch. "If I had to venture a guess, though, I'd say gender roles," he said seriously.

"Exactly what I thought," Ron agreed. "But if you maliciously complied with those same gender roles and refused to change your future babies' diapers, you can bet your bride would suddenly be all for equality."

"Ilan wouldn't do that," Nyssa suddenly said, recognising she had to participate in this conversation to keep a façade of normalcy. "Not with a dad like his." She smiled as Ilan scrunched his forehead, trying to decipher what she meant. "Don't you remember that one time a bunch of us were at your place when your parents dropped in to visit? It was during second year?"

"Ohhh, right," Ilan recalled when his parents were visiting friends and swung by his student housing unit.

"His dad told me that when Ilan and his sister were babies, he was talking to some guy at work about being a new father," Nyssa explained to Ron. "That guy said in all the time his own kids were babies, he never did a feeding or changed a diaper. Then Ilan's dad supposedly stared at him and said, 'Wow, how can you just admit you were a useless husband and father like that?'"

"What?"

Ron said, his eyes wide. "Ilan, how big are your dad's balls?"

"I can't believe you remember that story from six years ago," Ilan said flatly, grinning at Ron but ignoring his rhetorical question. "You only met my parents once, Nyss."

"It didn't affect his job or anything," Nyssa continued as though Ilan hadn't interjected. "But there's no way he'd let his son get away with being a sub-par dad."

"You guys went to law school together, huh?" Ron asked when Ilan was called away for a minute to discuss a case with another defense lawyer. Nyssa threw a sidelong glance at her friend behind the desk.

"Yup," she simply answered, continuing to swallow her anguish.

"Did you ever date?"

"Nope."

***Six years earlier***

"Nyssa!" her roommate, Josephine, shouted on the other side of the bathroom door as she banged on it with a heavy fist. "We've got the one toilet in this apartment, and you better let me use it unless you want me to pee in the kitchen sink!"

"I'm sorry! I'm almost done!" Nyssa shouted back, gathering her razor and blasting it under running water.

"Hopefully," Josephine said flatly. "I know you want to clear Ilan for landing, but you picked a bad time to shave your chaach." Nyssa gasped as she laughed.

"I am not shaving my--myself down there!" she lied. "I'm shaving my legs." She quickly pulled her underwear back up amid tidying the sink area. Josephine rushed in the second the door opened.

"Isn't that lying by omission, Miss Law?" she replied once she came back out.

"You don't know I'm lying," Nyssa grinned, knowing she was a terrible liar.

"Stevie Wonder could see you're lying," Josephine deadpanned. "Anyway, I'm going to say what I always say before I leave you two to smash. Both of you can do better than this." Nyssa sighed and rolled her eyes as she flopped onto the living room couch.

"I'm serious, girl," Josephine said solemnly. "I don't understand why you two can't just date like normal people instead of... whatever this is."

"And I'm going to say what I always do when you needlessly bring this up," Nyssa responded. "Neither of us want to be distracted from school, and neither of us are ready for a relationship."

"Bull

shit.

"

"And neither of us would fit in with the other's family."

"Bingo. The same way I wouldn't fit in with your family," Josephine said point blank, patting her natural afro hairstyle and pointing to her mahogany skin.

"I told you, I'm really, really sorry about that, Josie," Nyssa said softly, inwardly cringing at the memory of when she brought her best friend home for Thanksgiving.

"Which part?" her friend asked. "When your uncle asked how enrolment quotas were working for me in my MBA programme, or when your mom apologised for not having collard greens and fried chicken on hand? What about when your dad told me he was surprised at how articulate I was?" Nyssa now covered her face in embarrassment.

"Look, I'm not mad at you," Josephine clarified. "You were angry on my behalf and you left with me. What I'm mad about is that you're limited to falling in love with, and one day marrying, a white guy you haven't even met yet because of your racist-ass family.

"Tell me again why you can't just tell them to go fuck themselves and date the hot, smart guy who's coming over right now? Nyssa, it is a

crime

you're just fuckbuddies with Ilan when you both click so well."

"You know why," Nyssa replied. As long as her parents were footing the bill for law school, she was under their thumb. They never outright told her who they wanted her to socialise with, but she could take a hint. And if she couldn't bring her Black best friend home for dinner, she sure as hell didn't want to imagine what her family would say to a Sri Lankan boyfriend.

"Yeah, I know," Josephine nodded, slipping on her leather jacket and grabbing her purse. "I also know you're not going to have the option of Ilan forever. A guy like him will not stay single for long." She pulled on her boots by the door, and Nyssa stood to lock up behind her.

"Honestly, I think he's making an effort to stay single because he stupidly thinks he'll one day have a relationship with you. If you change your mind, I've got a list of links for student grants and aid."

With that, Nyssa found herself alone in the apartment, except for Josie's cat Patches, who crawled onto her lap amid licking his paws. She petted the fat, white and brown cat while thinking about how struck she'd been with Ilan the first time he'd sat down at her table in a campus pub with some mutual friends.

She had suddenly been hit with a bout of shyness, but couldn't ignore how they would both glance at the other and smile every time someone in their group said something funny. Finally, Ilan broke the impasse and followed her to get another drink, introducing himself. The two of them sat at the bar for the rest of the night and ended up closing it down.

It had been late October, and Nyssa would not soon forget the disastrous Thanksgiving earlier that month at her parents' home with Josephine. Despite seeing Ilan seven times over the next two weeks, Nyssa knew she couldn't keep leading him on. They'd been heavily making out on her couch when she stopped him and proposed they only have a physical relationship.

"You know, to stay focused on school and maybe blow off some steam with each other," she'd offered, trying to sound confident. She kicked herself at the look of confusion and mild hurt on his face.

"For what it's worth," he told her, "I'm pretty sure I can do two things at the same time." They both cracked a smile and Nyssa was grateful to him for breaking the tension. "Look, I like you, Nyssa," he went on. "But I understand if you don't feel the same." Nyssa kicked herself harder.

"I respect how driven you are," he added. "And if this is how we stay friends, I guess... this is how we stay friends. I, uh, I promise I'll do my best to not blur any boundaries."

Now it was early January, and they'd been sleeping together for about two months, minus the Christmas break. A knock at the door snapped Nyssa out of reliving the one decision in her life she knew was a mistake at the very moment she'd made it. She also knew she was being selfish and unfair to Ilan--he was so decent he wouldn't even look at another girl as long as he was seeing her in any capacity.

"Hey," Ilan greeted her with a chaste kiss on the cheek.

"Hey," she kissed him back and then fully intended to self-medicate in the comfort of his arms, if not for the prickly scratching they both felt at their ankles.

"Hey to you too, buddy," Ilan grinned as he picked Patches up and rubbed his fingertips against the feline's face. He shifted the cat between his arms while shrugging off his jacket and kicking away his shoes. "Not many mice up here on the ninth floor, huh?"

Geez, I'm melting,

Nyssa thought in agony, unsure of why the sight of the man she had feelings for making small talk and cuddling with a cat was affecting her like this. Patches, however, was loving it. As she stood at the window, contemplating whether she could pay for law school herself and cut off her family altogether, she felt Ilan standing behind her.

His arms slipped around Nyssa's waist while his mouth landed on the side of her neck. She spun around, eager to forget how terribly she'd messed up this situation and instead decided to take her frustrations out on him.

She kissed him hard and yanked his shirt out of his khakis, expertly loosening his belt in seconds.

"Are you angry with me?" he questioned after breaking away.

"No," she breathed, confusedly trying to get back to his mouth.

"Oh, so it's school or something else?" he made sure, holding her off.

"Something else," she murmured, unbuttoning his shirt with fire in her eyes. "Why?"

"I just want to make sure I won't get injured," he joked, his voice catching when he felt Nyssa's teeth on his chest.

In response, Nyssa dragged him to her bedroom and took off the rest of his clothes, then pushed him back onto her bed. Before he could respond, her lips were around his erection. Ilan gasped in shock, then groaned as Nyssa hungrily squeezed him in her mouth, her tongue frantic.

When she took a break to strip off her own clothes, it seemed to dawn on Ilan that she wanted it fast and rough today although he had no idea why. Over the next half-hour and until Nyssa screamed in release, he unquestioningly followed her lead.

God, I could look into those forever,

he thought wistfully, gazing into her icy blue eyes while balanced over her as they gunned toward the end. While Nyssa's eyes were still glazed and they both attempted to catch their breath, he regretted giving in to her once again.

This is the last time,

he promised himself as his forehead pressed against the bed and his nose took in the strawberry scent of her hair.

Although it had seemed like an advantageous compromise to regularly sleep with a beautiful blonde when he couldn't date her, Ilan learned early that it was a low-level form of torture.

What don't I have?

he wondered as he followed Nyssa's bare legs sliding off the bed and taking her to the bathroom.