Chapter 37
[vibe track: never be like you - flume]
Cameron was still crying. She didn't think she'd ever run out of tears. It'd been hours. Hours since she'd ruined the last good thing she hadn't ruined yet.
Shuddering in the corner, she was somehow cold in the stuffy apartment. Her room had never felt emptier. She didn't know where everyone went. No party. No shitty roommates. No -- no Kendra.
Alone.
The photo on her phone taunted her again, drawing her eyes down for the millionth time. They'd been sitting right here, practically in the very same spot -- not even two weeks ago. She scrolled from one to the other.
She still wasn't sure which one she liked more, which one brought on more tears. Was it the one where they hadn't known Kendra was there, just the two of them quietly being with one another? Or was it the joy in her eyes behind the middle finger she was flashing to the camera?
The tears were inconclusive. They just kept coming. Cameron wasn't sure she'd ever been happier than at that moment. Or at least, that she'd ever felt so at peace. And that was probably better than happiness, anyway. Wasn't it?
A soft knock at the door snapped her attention up.
Kendra.
Cameron felt another sob in her throat and tried to choke it down. She wanted to run to her friend, to fall into her arms like she always could, and tell her how badly she'd fucked up.
But she'd already fucked things up with Kendra so bad that she couldn't.
The sob escaped. It only made Cameron angrier and more ashamed.
She just
had
to fucking pick RIGHT FUCKING NOW to walk in.
"Are you okay?" Kendra said quietly. There was only concern in her eyes. Maybe a little bit of pity.
Cameron exploded. "THE FUCK DO YOU CARE!" she spat out, spraying tears and snot that she hadn't bothered to wipe away. "I GOTTA FUCKING LEARN HOW TO DO THIS WITHOUT YOU ANYWAY. BETTER TO JUST FUCKING START NOW."
A part of her was just relieved there was something else she could focus her frustration onto.
But Kendra didn't react how Cameron had expected. Instead, she took a step into the room, her eyes blazing just like Henry's had.
"You know what?
Fuck
you, Cam," she scolded.
Cameron was shocked...again. Kendra had never said something like that to her before -- not meaning it, anyway. She'd been mad at her plenty but...never like this.
I'm fucking 2-for-2 today. There's literally no one's patience I can't wear out. Fucking bring it on, bitch. Go ahead.
Kendra kept getting closer, and Cameron felt her lips narrowing, her adrenaline starting to charge through her.
"You just keep pushing and pushing and
pushing
and
PUSHING
, don't you," Kendra said, like she'd been saving this up for a while. "That's just what you do, ain't it? 'Til you finally fucking push
everybody
away from you."
She was almost to Cameron now, then quickly closed the distance in a lunge, grabbing Cameron's hands and yanking her to her feet.
"Well you know what? Go ahead, Cam! Fucking
push
me! Try it!" She jammed Cameron's hands to her chest. Her eyes were goading. "PUSH ME AWAY CAMERON!" Kendra screamed into her face. "I FUCKING DARE YOU TO FUCKING
TRY
! BECAUSE YOU JUST KEEP TRYIN' IT, DON'T YOU!"
Cameron couldn't take it anymore. She shoved Kendra with all her strength, grunting with the effort, and Kendra toppled over, falling to the carpet. Cameron seethed, but Kendra barely hit the floor before she sprang back up -- stepping right back where she'd been, an inch from Cameron's face, pressing her chest into Cameron's.
"Keep fuckin' doin' it, Cameron!" she taunted. "You just fuckin'
love
it, don't you? Go a-fucking-ahead, bitch. Fucking
push
me!"
Kendra kept moving forward, boxing Cameron into the corner. Tears were still running down her face as she tried to figure out what the fuck her friend was doing. Kendra just kept
yelling
at her, then gave Cameron a little nudge in the shoulder.
That was enough. Cameron heaved her body into another shove, screaming out in frustration while she rammed into her target.
Kendra staggered back, but she didn't fall this time. That meant she was back in Cameron's face even faster, even closer.
Cameron tried to fight her off, but Kendra grabbed her wrists, pulling them against her chest, daring her to continue the game.
She didn't want to. She just wanted to get away. Kendra wouldn't let her do that either, gripping her arms tightly.
All Cameron could do was cower, sobbing harder.
"Leave me
alone
!" She heard herself whimper out the words as she shrank into the corner, finally pulling free and collapsing to the floor. "Goddammit, Kendra,
please
! Just
go
!"
She felt Kendra fall to the floor in front of her, but Cameron didn't want to look, burying her head under her arms -- the only place left she could hide. Through the shuddering convulsions of her body, she could still hear her pitiful begging for Kendra to leave her alone, as if from a far-off place.
Gradually, the voice got closer, until she felt arms around her -- Kendra's arms -- pulling her in. Cameron tried to push back, only managing to put her hands between them, her limp fists trapped against Kendra's chest.
"When are you gonna fucking realize you
can't
fucking push me away Cameron," she said, giving Cameron's whole body a shake. "You hear me? You can't fuckin' do it. You push me as hard as you want. You can't fuckin' do it."
Finally, Cameron surrendered, pressing her face into her best friend's chest and unleashing another cascade from her eyes as she inhaled the familiar, comforting scent.
Kendra was dressed like she'd picked out her outfit the night before. Her hair was straight today, a long sheet behind her. She hadn't collapsed without Cameron. She always kept everything together.
Even me.
Kendra cradled her sobbing friend, and Cameron finally latched on, wrapping her arms around Kendra in turn.
"Don't matter what you say, don't matter what you do, you fuckin' idiot," Kendra said. "Can't do it."
As Kendra released her, Cameron snorted and sniffed back as much as she could. Kendra's eyes were glassy behind her own undropped tears.
"This?" Kendra thrust her wrist next to Cameron's, shifting to sit next to her against the wall. "This is un
-fucking-
breakable. You're my
sister
. You hear me, Cameron?"
She gently turned Cameron's head to face her. "Always. No matter how much you try to fuck it up. I promise you." She smiled, and a tear finally dropped from her eyes. "Even from Sacramento."
Cameron sniffed again, not even trying to stanch the torrent that hadn't stopped for hours. "Yeah. I hear you," she said weakly. "And y-you're right. I know you're right."
She clung to her friend and leaned on Kendra one more time, who held her by her side, Cameron's head tucked against her chin.
"That's what's so frustratin' about you, Cam," Kendra said quietly. "You know what you do wrong, and you say, 'Oh, I wanna be better.' And you are -- for a while." She took her head away from Cameron's so she could make eye contact. "But you ain't never come knockin' on my door, have you? Not even once. Never. Because that ain't what you do. That'd be too much for you, to actually just go
ask
your best fucking friend for help.
"You just leave your door open and hope somebody walks in."
Cameron felt a new shame added to everything else now as she stared up at her friend.
"And that's okay!" Kendra backtracked. "I want to! That's you, and I love you."
Cameron rested her head against Kendra again, letting fresh tears fall while Kendra stroked her hair. "I know," Cameron said quietly.
Kendra sighed. "So what'd you do this time, babygirl."
"I...I said shit I can't repeat." Cameron shook her head slowly, her voice still quavering. "Wouldn't be fair to him. But...they're things I can't take back, and he...shouldn't forgive me for.
"I fucking ruined it, Kendra."
Another burst of shudders rattled through Cameron's body. Kendra nodded and sighed, resting her head back against the wall while she held Cameron close.
I didn't even have to say who. It's like she's not even surprised I fucked things up with Henry. And why should she be?
"Lemme run somethin' by you, Cam," Kendra said calmly, her fingers still raking gently through Cameron's hair. Cameron didn't look up. "Your mom put off seein' you her whole life. And by the time she decided to see you for real, it was too late. Couldn't be undone."
Cameron looked up now, not sure where this was going.
"She fucked up too bad," Kendra continued, "and she never got the chance to do
shit
about it, did she?" She looked down to Cameron now.
Cameron sputtered. "I...I waited too long to--"
"Girl, you know how I feel about that," Kendra interrupted dismissively. "Blame yourself if you want to, but your mama had your whole fuckin' life to make things right, didn't she? She fucking died alone because she never even
tried
to make things right with you, not really. She never came to you and said what you needed to hear -- not for herself, but for
you
. Instead, she waited 'til it was too late for
both
of you."
Kendra tapped Cameron on the chin, locking on her gaze. "You ever think your mom was just, ashamed as fuck? Didn't wanna see you because
she
was scared to see how
you'd
look at
her
?"
Cameron was about to respond...but stopped herself. No, she hadn't really considered that. But...
...if I had done what my mom did to me -- which, I never fucking would -- I'd...I'd probably just...cry in this room and...never do anything about it. Not until I was...in a hospital bed....
"You wanna keep doin' the same shit over and over? Fine," Kendra told her, making her sit up on her own. "You just stay in this room the rest of your life. But...you already had your hospital bed moment, didn't you."
Kendra reached into her pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, what looked like a receipt. Cameron recognized it instantly. It
was
a receipt. But on the back of it....
It was the list of regrets she'd written out that night before she'd taken too many pills with too much tequila.
A fresh round of shame brought a fresh round of tears. She looked away.
She hadn't meant for the list of things she wished she'd done differently -- the list of people she wished she'd treated better -- to be...what it must've looked like to Kendra when she'd found it.
"So...how's that goin' for you, huh?" Kendra said. She didn't even need to say anything about what was on the paper. Showing Cameron she had it was enough.
