Yes, you can love two.
A cathartic tale. This was just something I needed to write down.
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I stood before the large window looking out from the lounge room toward the beach. Although it was probably still an hour before dawn, I could vaguely make out the surrounding landscape as the steady rain fell. But I wasn't really seeing what was before me. I was looking back at memories I had from long ago of Jilly, my first love, and playing over in my mind the conversation we had shared earlier that evening.
I had known Jilly since I was ten years old. Her father used to pick me up to take me to a church youth group on Monday nights. I sat in the front seat beside him while Jilly, a year younger than I and her sister, a year younger still, sang in the back seat as we drove along. They were members of our town's junior choral society and practiced their pieces as we were driven to the church hall. At the time I thought it strange that they did this in front of me but as the years went on and I fell in love with this girl I couldn't hear enough of her singing. To me she had the voice of an angel.
I didn't have much to do with her until a few years later by which time we had both moved into the church's high school youth group. By then we were also attending the same high school. At youth group on Friday nights we became closer as friends and became part of a close-knit group of teens who enjoyed each other's company.
By the time I was fifteen years of age in grade ten I had truly fallen in love with Jilly. She was a small, gentle girl with blue eyes, blonde hair and a faintly olive complexion. I think I can remember the exact moment I knew I loved her. We were at a tea at the church hall late on a Sunday afternoon and as the setting sun streamed in through the western windows, I remember seeing her caught in the sunlight as she walked past. She was wearing a pale blue dress that seemed to float around her. At that moment I was awe-struck by her beauty and I had fallen. From that moment and for many years thereafter she was the only girl I wanted.
But I wasn't the only boy who could see what I saw in her. Jilly started up with a boy around that time and they were together for the next year or so. Over the next few years she had a few different boyfriends while I watched on in hope. Our friendship continued, seeming to get closer, if anything, but it never developed to the extent that I wanted. Friends who knew of my affection for Jilly, encouraged me to 'make a move' when she was between boyfriends, even telling me that she had an affection for me too, but, in truth, I was quite insecure and introverted at that time. Even when the chance arose, I always came up with a reason in my mind why I shouldn't do anything. I think my overriding emotion was that Jilly really was out of my league. She was gorgeous, outgoing and the life of the group while I was a small, skinny kid who, while I loved playing sports was only average in my abilities and maybe only just above average academically.
Come the end of high school I got a job in a bank and when Jilly graduated the following year, she began studies to become a primary school teacher. By my second year out of school I fell into despair over my feelings for this girl. She had been going out with a guy for a couple of years and they looked to be the perfect couple, in my mind maybe even heading toward marriage. He was a really good friend of mine and while I still longed for a chance with Jilly, I didn't want to see him hurt, as I knew he would be if they were to break up.
In the end, my despair over seeing no chance ever with her led me to ask for a transfer in the bank. I soon moved to a small regional city, some four and a half hours by road from home. This move helped to some extent in taking my mind off Jilly. For the first time in my life I had to look after myself doing all the things that my Mum had done for me up to that time (washing, ironing, cooking etc). I had to settle into a new work environment including building relationships with new workmates. I got on quite well with the women at my workplace, even to the extent that some encouraged me to ask out one of the young girls who started there a few months after I did.
But I couldn't really get Jilly out of my head. What if I started going out with this girl from work and Jilly was suddenly available? I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had the feeling that this young girl had got her friends to drop the hint to me as she seemed quite friendly and keen when we were together at work and out socially, but I resisted making any move. I still couldn't cut off the possibility of a future with Jilly. I really was a basket case.
A couple of years went by and over that time I returned home at least monthly on weekends, ostensibly to see my family, but I always made sure I met up with my group of friends from the church and of course, Jilly was in that group. The embers of my feelings for her were kept lit just by seeing her on those occasions.
When she graduated from Teachers' College, I was a little excited to learn that her first posting was to a small mining town just a couple of hours west of the city I was working in. To my sadness at this time I learned that she had broken up with her long-time boyfriend (my good mate) but I resolved that if I got the chance, I would finally let her know how I felt about her.
As she was only a couple of hours away, I hoped that she might come into the 'big smoke' now and then on weekends for something to do and I could show her around and spend some time with her. I got a message to her that she was welcome to stay at my place if she did come in, but I didn't get any positive response to my offer and I reflected that she was probably busy settling into her new job and environment. Eventually she did come into town for a few days, meeting up and staying in accommodation with her cousin who had come down from our hometown. I had much pleasure in showing them around the city and felt like a million dollars when I had them on each arm as I escorted them to dinner at a quaint beach-side restaurant on their last night in town.
Although I was not able to talk to Jilly alone that weekend with her cousin always around, I did feel that there was still hope for me. On occasions when Jilly was returning home for the weekend (which required her passing through my town), we would arrange to share the trip, taking her car or mine on to home. Although there was always another girl with us on these trips (another school teacher from our hometown) I always enjoyed being in Jilly's company and spending those hours with her.
Then I was heartbroken again. A few months into her first year of work while on a trip home she told me that she had started going out with a guy in the town where she worked. I couldn't believe that I had failed again to take the chance while she had been unattached.
Jilly was to turn twenty-one in early June and not long before that we returned home (separately) for a church camp on a nearby island. She seemed to be out of sorts that weekend (maybe being around her former boyfriend) and on the last day said that she would return to the mainland early to get an early start on her drive home. I immediately said I would go back with her with the excuse that I could also make an early start on my drive back home. Of course, I didn't need to leave so early (having a much shorter drive) but I just wanted to be with her. On the ride back on the ferry we sat side by side on a bench and eventually Jilly laid her head on my shoulder. I had no idea at the time why she did that. While we were good friends there had never been any contact like that before. I put my arm around her shoulder, and all was good with the world.
Before we parted to return home, I told her that I hoped she would have a great day for her upcoming birthday. I even got so brave as to suggest I should give her a birthday kiss to which she agreed. I was so nervous that it didn't end up being much of a kiss; just a quick, soft touching of our lips, but as it turned out, that was as close to intimacy as I would get from Jilly for many years.
A few of months later a memo went out at work saying that the bank needed someone to go out to the town Jilly worked in for a couple of weeks to help cover staff who were going on leave. I jumped at the chance and was soon on my way out there. I arrived and met up with Jilly as soon as I could arrange it. Jilly and her boyfriend. I didn't see that they were particularly close - no real affectionate interaction in evidence - but of course he seemed keen to make it clear that Jilly was his. I guess he knew that we had been friends for years, that we shared trips back home and probably figured that any guy who was around Jilly for a while might have an affection for her.
In spite of the attitude I got from him I tried to get together with Jilly as much as I could in the time I was there. She took me along to a couple of different social & sporting events and once again I just enjoyed my time in her presence. Toward the end of my stay I convinced myself that I needed to do something to progress the relationship we had to move to something that was more than 'just friends'. I couldn't keep going along as if I was just a friend who wanted nothing more. I convinced myself that if I told her of the depth of my feelings for her she would see a future for us together and..... happily ever after.
On my last afternoon in town I went around to her place and asked if we could talk privately. Her roommate made herself scarce and I began the spiel that I had written out and practiced over and over. I tried to tell her how wonderful I had always seen her to be and that I had wanted her for so, so long. I told her that I loved her. I said that I understood that she was with someone else at that time but asked that if she was to find herself single again, I hoped that she would think of me. I vowed that I was prepared to wait, for as long as it took.
When I was finished, I waited for a response from Jilly and to this day I can't remember what her response was. I know she didn't fall into my arms as I had hoped; she may have said that she cared for me too; I can't recall. All I do know is that there was no confirmation of reciprocated feelings. As I stood there before her, I was suddenly lost and didn't know what to say or do. In the end I think I may have even apologised for laying all that on her and quickly made my exit.
I was heartbroken. My Jilly didn't love me back. How could she not see that we would be great together? How could she not have also been harbouring secret feelings for me for all these years? I was sure (well, I'd been told by friends) that at one time when we were still in high school she had wanted to get together with me but I'd been too shy or scared or whatever to do anything about it. How could she not now feel as I did?
