Louder Than Words
Laura was smart, beautiful and popular - everyone liked Laura and so did I. I also realized she was way out of my league. I was a nerd and I got great grades but I was average looking and Laura didn't date average. She was in a lot of my classes in high school and I got to know her that way but definitely not socially.
I noticed something interesting about her dating. She would date a guy for about 3 times and then she would date someone else. It never went more than two or three dates. Our senior year Laura still didn't have a steady boyfriend and I didn't have a girlfriend. After Christmas break I was sitting in calculus class looking over at Laura and admiring her beauty. Laura had long straight blonde hair that hung down past the shoulders. Her lips look like the softest thing you could imagine. However, it was her blue eyes that drew me in. If the eyes are the window to the soul, Laura's soul was heaven itself. "What the heck, nothing to lose," I said to myself.
After class ended, "Hey Laura, are you free Friday night? You interested in going to a movie and having dinner?"
She looked at me a bit surprised and paused, "Sure Tom, that might be fun," and she turned around and left for her next class.
Our Friday date was really fun. I discovered Laura and I have a lot in common. She also has a great sense of humor, witty, personable and just wonderful to be around. She also seemed to be enjoying herself and my sense of humor.
When the date was over, I walked Laura to her door and waited for the awkward goodbye. I was hoping for a kiss but expected a hug - after all, we had known each other for years.
"I had a really great time," I said. "The best company I have had in a really long time."
I had barely gotten the words out of my mouth and a hand shot out. "I had a really great time too," she said.
I stood there in shock. It seemed like an hour but is was probably only a second. I smiled and grasped her hand lightly and quickly retreated to my car. I quickly drove away. In hindsight I probably should have waited to make sure she was safely inside but my emotions were in control.
Monday morning Laura walked into calculus class and said "hello," as she walked past me to take a seat.
I reached out to grab her hand. "Hi, I had a..." I tried to tell her but she gave me a shocked surprised look, jerked her hand away and was gone before I could finish my sentence.
When class ended, she quickly gathered her things and headed for the door. "Okay, message received. I guess I was right - not in her league," I muttered under my breath.
I graduated with high honors and headed off to a university that was about 4 hours from my home town.
I had been there about two months when I ran into Laura. I was surprised to see her because I had never seen anyone from our high school class and it was a difficult university to get into. I explained I was there to get a degree in molecular biology and Laura explained she was there to get a degree in elementary education.
The next 3 years Laura and I would run into each other about every week. Each time we would stop, talk, and one of us would tell a funny story. Then one of us would apologize and have to run off to a class. Running into Laura would always make me smile and put me in a good mood for the rest of the day.
Year four in the fall semester, Laura came running up to me. "Oh, good, I'm so glad I caught you. Can I ask you a question/favor?"
"Sure, questions are free. Favors might cost you something," I smiled at her.
"I have to design several biology experiments that show life - reproduction, growth, respiration or some other aspect of life. I have no idea what I am doing and I could really use your help. I realize you are going through all the final year crap we are all dealing with but if you could spare just a bit of time, I would really appreciate it," she looked up at me with her pleading blue eyes.
I smiled back at her. "Actually I'm not. I graduated last year and this year is my first year in graduate school. I did my B.S. in 3 years."
"WHAT! You graduated in three years and didn't happen to mention that to me," she glared at me.
"Ya, with all the AP classes I took in high school and the extra classes I've been taking each semester, I finished early. They asked me if I was interested in continuing on to graduate school and offered me free tuition and a teaching assistant-ship. What age student are WE designing this for?" I winked at her.
Laura let out a sigh, "Oh thank you so much for this. Fourth grade."
"Cool, that is a great age. This could be the most fun I've had all semester. Inspiring the next generation of biologists." I paused for a second, "I've discovered I really enjoy teaching. The joy of making people curious about the world around them and then watching them soak it in and want more. Fourth graders are like a blank slate." I was excited about this project and I could tell it was rubbing off on Laura.
"So when is this project due and how long does this experiment need to run?" I asked.
"It's due in two weeks and the experiment needs to show some results in seven days. It needs to be focused around the scientific method," she replied, finally starting to relax.
"Excellent! Do you have some free time tomorrow to meet and go through some possibilities?" I smiled.
"My last class ends at 3:00. I'm yours after that," she finally smiled back at me.
"OK, meet me at the front door of the library tomorrow at 3:00. I'll reserve a study room for us so we can discuss and plan out your project."
The next day I saw Laura waiting for me as I crossed the court yard to the library. She was beautiful with her long blond hair, delicate features and slim build. She was wearing a long plaid coat that showed off her perfect hourglass figure. She was like an untouched flower - pure and innocent. She was also a mystery to me, I loved our five minute talks we had every week. She was fun and full of life. There was another side to her, however, that was closed, dark and private. I always thought she just wasn't into me. However, I never saw her with anyone or talk to anyone. I wanted to get to know her so much better. "God, I could fall in love with her so easily," I said to myself.
"Hi," I smiled as I approached her. "We are going to take a tiny field trip before we head to the study room."
We crossed the court yard and I stopped at a large bush. I took out a small pocket knife and cut a small branch at a 45 degree angle. I returned the knife to my pocket and we walked back to the library.
"Won't you get in trouble if someone saw what you just did?" Laura had a worried look on her face.
I started to chuckle, "it's a university, it's for science. They have to expect a tiny bit of harmless vandalism for some serious fourth grade knowledge. Besides, I happen to know they are going to have to prune the crap out of that thing in the spring or it will be all over the court yard."
When we got to the study room, I pulled out petri dishes for growing bacteria, bread for growing mold, and some special dye she could use to show water being absorbed by the plant we had just cut. We talked about the scientific method, theories and hypothesis. I gave her examples on how to ask questions using the Socratic method so her students would come up with reasonable hypothesis.
I showed her how to take the sterile swab and collect bacteria from my ear and put it on the petri dish. We went through the bread mold experiment and the plant dye. Laura never stopped smiling and kept asking thoughtful and deeper and deeper questions. I was teaching the teacher.
About an hour into our session, I looked over at Laura and she was looking over at me with the strangest look on her face. I had never had anyone look at me like that. I thought about asking what she was thinking about but decided it was to personal to ask. "Hey, you gotta stay with me or I'll make you stay after class," I smiled at Laura.
Laura turned flaming red and stuttered. "Oh... oh Tom I am so sorry. I'm so entranced by what we are doing and how well you are explaining it, I kinda got caught up in it," she sheepishly said. "I'm with you. I got every word."
Two hours later we were packing up and had accomplished what we set up to do. Laura and I walked to the front of the library and stepped out onto the court yard.
"I was really dreading this project. It has been a really long time since I've had this much fun learning something. I had a really good time," Laura said to me.
"I had a really good time too, goodnight," and I held my hand out.
I looked up at Laura's face and saw that look. It was the same look I had on my face four years ago when we ended our first date. She lightly grabbed my hand and turned and quickly walked away.
I felt like someone punched me in the gut. I felt like shit. What did I just do to my friend Laura? I knew I wanted more but I also knew Laura just wanted to be friends but that was not the look of friendship - that was the look of massive disappointment.
I needed time to think and one of the best ways to think was to do some mindless work in the lab that graduate students are always asked to do. In this case I was extracting pheromones from the blood of several dozen species of birds. I worked well into the night and was back at it early the next morning.
By lunch time I knew I was falling in love with Laura, I just didn't know what to do about it. She was all I thought about. Our quick five minute discussions were always the highlight of my week. I decided to take a break from my work and visit my usual Wednesday fast food burger joint. I had just given the cashier my order when I heard, "...and I'll have the same thing he is having." Laura handed the cashier her card and we waited for our food.
"How did you know I was going to be here?" I smiled at Laura.
"Would you be angry if I told you I was stalking you?" Laura looked down at the ground.
"Um, let me think about this for a minute. Stalked by the most beautiful girl on campus? Nope, anger is not in there. The highlight of my college life might be but not anger," I was grinning at Laura.
"I saw you go in," she shyly confessed. "I need to talk to you and apologize for something I did."
Just then our food arrived and Laura led me to a booth in the far back corner.
"So what is this horrible thing that you did to me that is costing you a burger and fries?" I smiled at Laura.
Laura paused and took a deep breath. "You taught me so much yesterday. You taught me so much about science. However, you also taught me about me - my life. In that instant we said goodbye, I realized what a broken human being I am. I went home and cried for hours."
"Sometimes our actions speak louder than words," Laura continued. "Four years ago we had a date and I distinctly remember telling you what a great time I had - because I did. However, then I shook your hand, letting my actions speak - but that was a lie. I wasn't showing you my real emotions. I should have hugged you and kissed you like normal teenagers do when they have a really great time and really like each other."
"I'm going to tell you something I have never told anyone," Laura paused and then continued. "I had a very weird childhood. I never saw my parents display any affection for each other or to me. I never saw my parents hug, touch, hold hands, kiss - nothing. I'm sure they did but they did it behind closed doors. My parents got along and I'm sure they loved each other but they never said it in front of me or displayed any sign of affection to me or each other in my presence. Even my moms relatives were like that."
"I didn't really miss it because I didn't really know what it was. I saw hand holding and hugging in high school. That was just what other people did. It didn't really affect me. Hell, I walked in on my room mate sucking her boyfriend's who-who."
"Ah, the who-who. That is the technical term. I'm a biologist, I know," I interjected to help lighten the mood.
"I have never held hands, hugged or kissed a guy. The thought of displaying affection, it terrifies me," she confessed.
Laura turned away slightly and continued, "the problem is I'm falling in love with this guy that I've known since high school and all I seem to do is go home and cry, instead of telling him and showing him how I feel about him."
