Long December

I was standing at the bar waiting to catch the bartender's eye when I felt a hand at the small of my back. I immediately tensed, and then relaxed when a voice I recognized said, "Who are you here to meet?"

I turned and flashed a dazzling smile at him, "You."

The bartender magically appeared. He knew a bartender in every bar in the city; I was never dry when I was with him. "Absolut Martini with two olives, and a Skyy and Squirt." He slid a twenty across the bar, ignoring the change.

"That's still the best pickup line I've ever heard," He said. "You look great Jane...How have you been?"

"You brought out the best in me, Jax." I paused to sip my martini and study him. "I'm doing well...I'm working with some local filmmakers, and we have a film that I wrote opening at a small festival at the end of January."

"You did like scripting life."

"That is why I have the best pick-up line you've ever heard...how about you, still creating my soundtracks? Or do you have your bar?"

"I found I couldn't give up the stage. Can you stick around for my set? I'd love to keep talking, but duty calls" he said gesturing towards the small stage.

"You can't keep your adoring fans waiting." I said with a smile in my voice "Of course I'll stick around. You know I love watching you work, Jax."

I watched him swagger up to the stage. A young blonde stopped him at the foot of it. He gave her a disarming smile, she responded by running her fingers through her hair and laughing at his comment like it was the wittiest thing she'd ever heard. I immediately hated her. I had no reason to be jealous, it had been over a year since I had last seen him, and wasn't contemplating seducing him back. Too much hurt for that. Jax must have felt me studying him, because he looked over to me. The blonde saw she had lost his attention and gave a small pout before seeking the object of her rivalry. I blew a kiss to Jax, and he caught it to his heart with both hands. The blonde scowled at me. She tried to regain Jax's notice, but her moment had passed. David, the drummer, came up to them, said something to Jax and pointed to the stage. Jax touched the blonde on the shoulder dismissively, and excused himself with another of his brilliant smiles. The blonde retreated back to her friends.

I sought a stool at the end of the bar, and started writing notes on a cocktail napkin. I liked the atmosphere. Dive bars and dive men had a special place in my heart. I first met Jax in a hole much like this one. We had been e-mailing for about two weeks, and out of the blue he invited me to see his band play. I took him up on it. The venue was attached to a bowling alley, cheap beer, and cheaper women. I loved it. I had totally overdressed: pearls, little black dress, seamed stockings, follow-me-home-and-fuck-me pumps. I watched him circle me several times, before he lit on a stool next to me. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Who are you here to meet?"

"You." I said. I extended my hand "I'm Jane."

And that was the beginning. It ended with me standing in an airport, holding two tickets to Las Vegas, screaming "Where the hell are you?" to his voicemail. I missed the flight, and returned home to a "Dear Jane" e-mail. I was furious. And devastated.

But it all ends badly...that's why it ends.

The band took the stage, and Jax opened with a song new to me, "Red Headed Devil." It was all brokenhearted blues. I smiled. It was nice to know I had touched him deep enough too inspire a song. The set went much as all the other performances I had seen. Jax was magnetic and electric: building the crowd up, and then setting them back down gently. I was glad he hadn't given up the spectacle of the stage. Music was his master, and he would be lost with out it.

As the set ended, I ordered a drink for us both. I had a few questions I needed answered, and I was going to have to substitute vodka for sodium pentothal. I approached Jax with his drink. The blonde had beaten me to him, and a frown crossed her face briefly as I approached. She recovered quickly when Jax accepted the drink, but did not let his attention waver from her. I let her have her moment. My business could wait, and I knew Jax's feelings on blondes at shows. She would not be leaving with him tonight.

I walked up to David who was working on getting his drums off the stage. "Man...doesn't it just burn you that he gets all the glory and leaves you to do all the work?" I asked.

It took him a moment, "Jane?" He turned to look at me. "God it's good to see you again. Give me a hug." He said embracing me. "Baby, WHAT did you do to our boy? You disappeared. He wouldn't let anybody say a word about you. We barely saw him for months."

"Wait, wait, wait...I'm the injured party here," I said. "He straight up left me holding the bag. But if he won't talk, I won't either."

I helped David break down his kit, and we started catching up on the past year. Johnny the bassist brought David a beer. He glanced at me and then did a double take. "Queen Jane?" He asked.

I smiled at the nickname. "Approximately." I answered.

"Good lord, baby...how have you been?' he said hugging me. "What the hell happened? He wouldn't talk about you. All but threw things when we asked."

"Johnny, when he tells me, I'll let you know." I said.

"Well...go find out." He said gesturing to Jax. "By now he's wanting someone to save him from Blondie there. She's a regular little groupie...been to about ten shows. He talks to her, but never leaves with her. You'd think she'd get the hint."

I looked down at them. The blonde was stealing glances at me from the corner of her eye at us. "She doesn't like me much."

"I'm sure she doesn't." David said.

"We won't give her the time of day," Johnny added. Pushing me towards Jax he said "Go stake your claim, baby. I'll help Davo with his drums."

I walked up to Jax, and put my hand on his sleeve to catch his attention. I looked Jax in the eyes and said "I'm sorry to interrupt, but you and I really need to talk."

Johnny called down from the stage "Queen Jane..." The three of us looked up at him. "Don't be a stranger. We love you too, baby."

Dave added "Yeah Janey, we always love to see your smile."

I waved to them and turned back to Jax. "Please."

Jax looked at me, and then said to the blonde "I'm sorry Brianna, I'm going to have to cut this short. I have some unfinished business with this lady."

Brianna stared daggers at me. I looked at her, and said tersely "Honey, when he leaves you holding two tickets in an airport, YOU can interrupt our conversation. Excuse us." I took Jax's arm and escorted him to a table.

He sat and drained his glass. "Do you need a refill, Darlin'. I'm dry here."

"No Jax, I'm fine. Go get a drink. Make it a strong one, because you are not getting out of the hard questions."

I watched him walk to the bar. I had to admit he looked good. His allure had not dulled. I closed my eyes, and conjured the memory of opening the e-mail. "Janey Baby, " it started, "Any man would be proud to have you on his arm. You are beautiful, funny, intelligent and wise, always the hottest woman in the room, and absolutely fearless. I have been walking on clouds these last few months. I wake every morning and don't care if the sun rises because I have gazed upon your radiant smile. You are everything I have ever asked for in a woman, and you are going to hate me now. No explanation is ever going to make you understand. But baby, I just can't. I have to walk away. I can't stand the thought of you hating me, but I can't imagine that you won't. I love you Jane. Good-bye."

"No, no Janey," I hadn't heard Jax approach. He touched my cheek and wiped away the tear. "Don't cry. Please...Yell at me, hate me, but don't cry. It rips me up when you cry." I felt his lips on mine, soft, hesitant, asking a question I didn't have an answer to: do you still love me?

I pulled away slowly. "Damn it Jax. Don't make me want you again." I said looking him in the eye, but I couldn't hold his gaze, and looked quickly away. I was shaking as I reached for my glass and drained it. I put my hands on the table in front of me, studying them for a moment before I asked, "Why?"

He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. He reached for his drink, stabbed the ice with the straw, brought the glass to his lips, and then set it down without drinking. He took hold of my hands and drew a deep breath. "Because I was ready and you weren't."

I frowned. "What?" I asked confused, "Ready...ready for what?"

He reached into the pocket of his jacket to retrieve the answer, and dropped it in my empty martini glass. It was a ring. I fished it out and looked at it. My heart ripped in two all over again. It was a gold band with a Chinese dragon in silver relief, the diamond clutched in the talon made Jax's meaning obvious.

Then with the clarity of a near death experience, the conversation he and I had the morning of the trip flashed before my eyes. I stood on the bed, straddling him and bouncing up and down in the sheer joy of getting out of Dodge. Each bounce I listed another thing I wanted to do"...I want to blow on your dice for luck...I want to go to the carousel bar at Circus Circus...I want to watch the sunrise from the Stratosphere after being up all night...then I want to go back to our room and order room service..."

Jax grabbed my legs and brought me down on top of him. I kissed him and rolled off of him to lie on my back. He propped himself on one arm and said "How 'bout before that sunrise we visit the chapel where Elvis and Priscilla were wed?"

I reached up pulling his face close to mine before saying "Why would we want to do that? Let's not let matrimony get in the way of our fun."

He kissed me then, tenderly, my eyelids, the tip of my nose, lingering on my lips, my chin, the hollow of my throat. He slid his hand behind my neck, and brought my lips to his again. This time his kiss was hungry, insistent. I wrapped my legs around him and moaned as he entered me. He made love to me slowly, as if he never wanted the moment to end. I lost myself in his kiss, the feel of his hands on me, the rhythm of our bodies."God Jax, I need you," I cried as I reached my climax.

He answered, "Janey, I love you so much." He buried his face in my shoulder as he sought his own release.

Those were the last words we spoke to each other. I kissed him on the forehead and left him sleeping when I went home to pack.

I closed my eyes and wiped away a new tear. "I need a shot." Jax obliged and went to the bar. I saw the bartender line two up. Jax drank his at the bar and started to deliver mine to the table. Brianna, misreading the situation approached Jax to offer her condolences. I caught "Damn it" and "not the time" from Jax, and for the third time that night Brianna retreated to her friends to lick her wounds.

Jax handed me the shot and said, "For Courage."

I raised my glass acknowledging the toast and drank it in one swift motion. "I didn't know. Why didn't you give me the chance..."

"Chance to what, Janey?" Jax interrupted "Break my heart? We both know how you felt."

I opened my mouth to speak, but I knew he was right. I loved him, but I wouldn't have married him. I wasn't ready.

"Do you know how hard it was for me to let you go? I ripped out my own heart. I haven't slept through a night since I sent that e-mail." He stopped and wiped his eyes. "It is all I can do to keep from grabbing you and holding you for dear life..." Fixing his gaze on a distant point, he took a deep breath and gripped the edge of the table. "But I stand by my decision. I know what you've done this last year in my absence. That small festival your film is in...will you be snowboarding after the premiere?"

I looked at him. "You know?" I asked

"Baby, I don't deserve you. You took your first screenplay to Sundance. It's even money that your directorial debut goes to Cannes. Yes...I know about that too. It goes into production after you get back."

"I'm not sure if I should be flattered or afraid...But Jax...You didn't have to leave."

"Baby, I couldn't stay."

I knew he was right. I took his hand and affectionately kissed his fingertips, before placing the ring on the palm and closing it into a fist. I stood up, kissed him on the forehead, and walked to the door. I turned for one last look. Jax hadn't moved. He sat staring at his fist with tears streaming down his face. I saw Johnny and Dave coming to his aid. They'd get him drunk, finally get the whole story, and get him home safely.

I walked to my car, and sat for a long moment before I started it. I felt empty. I felt numb. I felt confused. As I drove home the memory of the kiss in the bar replayed itself, trying to force me into answering Jax's question. And I didn't want to answer.

I opened the door to my apartment and flipped on the light. I walked to the bathroom, leaving a trail of clothes behind me like breadcrumbs. All I wanted was a hot shower. I stepped in and let the hot water run over my body. It washed away the smoke of the bar, the stress of the night, and a year's worth of confusion and hurt. The water mixed with a flood of tears. I cried out all the sadness and hurt I had been carrying and emerged feeling lighter.

I pulled on a set of pink flannel pajamas and braided my long red hair. I put a Frank Sinatra CD on and sat down at my computer and stared at the screen. I was at a loss for words, I wrote the same line and then erased it for the third time when a knock at the door interrupted. I opened the door and said "I'm sorry Mrs. Roberts. I know it's late. I'll turn the music down."

"I have always said that if it's too loud, you're too old," drawled a very male voice. Jax leaned against my doorjamb with a cigarette hanging Humphrey Bogart style from his mouth.

"What are you doing darkening my doorstep at this hour?" I asked him.

"Jim Beam helped me remember a few things I forgot to say to you." He said.

"Go home Jax you're drunk."

"Yes...yes I am... And I am a fool...And you are beautiful." He said stepping towards me. He took my face in his hands, and this time his kiss was not hesitant. It did not ask, "Do you love me?" it exclaimed, "I LOVE YOU!" I placed my hand on his chest resisting for a moment, but only for a moment, and then I was able to answer his earlier question. My kiss echoed his passion. "I missed you Jax. I missed your voice, your smell..." I paused to kiss him again, "I missed you handing me a towel and a cup of coffee as I got out of the shower in the morning, your dry sense of humor, I missed you getting out of bed at 3am to answer e-mail..."

He ran his hands over my shoulders, and down my back to encircle my waist pulling me close to him. "Janey, don't make me leave again. I don't want wake up without you beside me. I can't do it. I can't do it," he whispered in my ear. "I love you, Queen Jane." Jax said sinking to his knees. He held me close his face against my stomach. "I'll take whatever you can give me...just don't make me leave again."

"Jax, I didn't want you to leave in the first place. You closed the door behind you," I said hooking my leg over his shoulder. "My question is what can you give me, baby?" I pushed his head into my crotch. Jax growled, and kissed me through the pajama bottoms. I took a handful of hair, and pushed his face deeper. I felt his hands on my ass, as he pulled me closer. His lips and tongue working hard through the flannel, he was driving me crazy and he knew it. Suddenly, he slid my leg down, and hoisted me over his shoulder as he stood up and moved to the bedroom.

He dumped me unceremoniously on the bed and began to unbutton his shirt. I rolled onto my side and watched for a minute. I smiled at him. I wanted to run my hands over his body; shoulders, chest, thighs, ass. I started to unbutton my pajama top.

"No, no, no..." Jax said as he held out his hand to stop me. "Janey, I want to unwrap you. " He smiled back at me. "I've thought about this moment...ALOT." He said and laughed.

I rolled onto my stomach reached for his belt, "OK, what if I help you?"

"That is acceptable. Even encouraged. " He said as took my hand and guided it over the bulge in his pants. "Oh God." He moaned as I stroked it.

"We need to get you out of your pants," I told him. I pulled at the buttons on his 501's, they were well worn and opened easily. "Damn Jax, It makes me so hot that you are such a bad boy."

"Well, you know nothin' comes between me and my Calvin's." he replied letting the jeans fall to the floor and kicking them out of the way.

"I always loved that about you..." I said grabbing him by hips, "Come closer." I licked his cock from the base to its tip, circling the tip before engulfing it. Jax grabbed the back of my head and used his fingers to brush out the braid letting my red hair spill free.

"Damn baby, I missed this sight..." he said breathless. I felt him entwine his fingers in my hair, his grip tightening as I sucked harder and deeper. I started using my hand as well as my mouth on him. "Ohhh... dear God...not yet Janey...not yet..." He whispered using his handful of my hair to navigate me to a stop. "I want you too baby. Roll over."

I was more than happy to carry out that order, and rolled quickly onto my back. Jax slid into bed beside me. I gave him a hungry kiss and asked, "What's the next scene sexy?" I ran my hand up his arm and behind his head to bring his lips closer to mine, so I could kiss him again. I let my hands wander over his chest lightly as he kissed me. I felt his low growl in the kiss as I lightly brushed his nipple with my thumb.

Jax took my ear lobe between his teeth and said, "Close your eyes and lie back." I felt his hands move lightly over my body, his fingers turning circles over the fabric covering my hard nipples, before he leaned down to tease one with his lips. His other hand strayed lower brushing under my top to caress my stomach. I moaned and arched my back at the feel of hid hand on my skin. At my response he grazed my skin with his nails, catching the waist on my pants, pulling then letting go. His hand wandered lower, one finger tracing delicately over my pussy. "Jax...Oh God Jax...You're driving me crazy," I gasped. "I forgot you were that maddening type of person that unwraps a present slowly." He kissed me again. I felt his fingers at the buttons on my top. Once he had pulled the last button open, I felt him run his hand up my torso, exploring, lingering, caressing.

I arched my back at his touch, a low moan escaping my lips. His hands strayed lower, pulling my pajama bottoms off in one swift movement. I felt him bury his face in my pussy, I grabbed the back of his head and lifted myself into him as I felt his tongue start to explore. "Oh, god yes baby...OH GOD YES!" I moaned.

He lifted my hips off the bed to give himself better leverage, "God Janey you taste so good, so good," he murmured. He buried his face in my pussy again, circling my clit with his tongue slowly at first, then building speed. I arched my back, grabbing handfuls of sheets, and he knew he had me on the edge. I felt him slide a finger into me and start working my g-spot, as he continued to assault my clit with his tongue. My legs clapped tight around his head, I thrust my cunt rigidly against his face, a long low moan escaped from deep inside of me, as my body spasmed beyond my control. My hold on the bed sheets tightened as I rode the wave of orgasm.

I felt his lips against mine. I kissed him and could taste myself on him. I ran my hand up behind his head, kissing him, hungry, pausing only long enough to breathe "Fuck me, Jax...I want to cum on your cock...God baby, fuck me now."

He thrust into me hard, and buried himself deep. I moaned again, and said "That's it baby, fuck me hard." His thrusts gained momentum, and I met every one with equal strength.