What would my life be without these women in it? I mean, what? I leaned back against the wall in the empty living room they would want me to newly furnish and I actually felt a chill at the thought. It seems black and white, entirely black and white: they are either all in it or they are all out of it. That's basically the way it is: all or nothing. But the longer I thought about it, the more the absoluteness of it all made it easier for me. What if I could invite these women into my life on my own terms? What possible terms would those be? I would never have any authority over Clair, never; her mother is a bit more reasonable but how much more? And anyway, would I want authority over them? No, that's what makes this all so utterly fascinating to me: I actually want their complete anarchy and their complete subjugation of me; I actually want their abstract thinking, their unreasonable, irrational, fascinating ... antics.
I held up the keys to the place and looked at them, studying them for meaning. They open and they close, they lock and they unlock. I remembered reading a poem in high school that I think was called Behind closed doors. It was about exactly that, what's happening behind closed doors? You have to open the door to find out.
I was barely awake when she kissed me the next morning. She was dressed, her eyes were gleaming. "I have things to do, I won't be back until late afternoon."
"I have things to do too," Clair was standing at the bedroom door. "I have to pick up some clothes ... hey, that's a massage table!" Sally had bought one and put it up in the bedroom. "I want one, OK? I've got time, we're not leaving 'til around one. You want a coffee first? I'll make it, get you some breakfast then you can give me one."
"I'm not giving you a massage," I said dismissively, as if I had to.
"Why not?"
Sally was leaving and looked back. "Oh, give her one, that's why I got it, you give a great massage."
There was a box of oils on the table and a small stack of white scrubs, that's what she called them when she showed me this stuff yesterday; the scrubs were so I could look 'professional.' She also got a mini sound system which was on a nearby table with two USB sticks filled with meditation music — how that happened I didn't even speculate.
Clair picked up a pair of the scrubs and when she realized what they were she threw them at me. "Put them on ... it's going to be great ... I'll make the coffee."
Sally went downstairs with her leaving me alone with my dilemma: would I do this? Actually, I had been thinking about this ever since Sally mentioned massaging Patricia ... I had flashbacks to her aging but elegant body and knew I'd love to lay my hands on her, now I was imagining Clair's even more diminutive body and found the thought troublingly alluring.
And anyway, I have an excuse: while once I was fully in charge of my life, now I'm not. As I listened to Sally's breathing last night while she slept, I had an epiphany. I had said, fuck it, I am never going to understand any of this so just go with it.
"What was it like with your fingers all over my mother's body?" We were just entering the bedroom after a half hour of coffee ... and teasing — the girl-woman, the one I had saved from the streets, is good at it.
"She said she enjoyed it."
"I bet she did," she said this while taking off her t-shirt.
"No!" I thought she'd take it off while lying on the table.
"Oh, pffff, you've already sucked my tits." Then she dropped her shorts.
"Leave your underwear on or this is going to end now!"
"No one gets a massage in their underwear," she stripped those off, too, then, completely nude she just took her time looking at the oils in the box, selecting one, handing it to me then she took all the things from the table to the bed and crawled on the table like ... like what?
She has a spectacularly cute ass, the rest of her is more girl than woman. I opened the bottle she had selected and drizzled some oil up both legs.
"Have you agreed to be my father yet?"
"The thought just fucking terrifies me."
She giggled at this. "Just give in to her for God's sake, she just wants to give herself to you ... and so do I ... all we want is to make your life as fantastic as we can. You're a fool to be looking this gift horse in the mouth ... anyway, do you know what happened this morning?"
I was pressing my thumbs into her calves wanting to cause at least a little pain. "A vortex developed in the South China Sea?"
"With Susan."
"I don't want to know."
"Yes you do. She was watching me get dressed to come over here; she told me she loves me; she has said that before but usually when my face was between her legs ..."
"Don't be crude."
"She doesn't like sex in the morning, I know that. I lay down beside her and played with her nipples, they're very light pink; she has really small areoles, they're almost non-existent ..."
"Thanks for that, I've been wondering."
"She's wonderful you know, a bit straight but wonderful, a far better person than I am. I was lying there beside her ... I told her I want to marry her and I meant it, I really want her as my life companion, I've thought a lot about it; she's the one, as perfect for me as mum is for you ... and more importantly you are for mum."
"What did she say?"
