The weirdest thing was that my life had taken such a dramatic turn in the last 5 weeks, I had spent a weekend with a great woman and we had taken time getting to know each other over the following weeks. We found that we seemed to be able to talk for hours but also, as you will have noticed from previous chapters, I had also had some of the best sex I could remember.
I needed to get to know Rachel better, and how she felt about taking our relationship further, I was enchanted by her and Alice, there was no doubting that. But Issy and Tim had been through so much recently. Jane and I had always agreed that I could do anything with my life after she died, and that she wanted me to find happiness after her death. But she made me promise that whatever I did, would be in all our interests, and that I would safeguard them beyond anything else. Obviously, as a parent I would do that, but it was what we felt in those last months was critical to safeguard our family unit.
Today, it was easy to rationalise that during the last two years I had not functioned as a whole human being, but even in my darkest hours I had tried to be a good father, I knew that I could never take the place of their mother, but I the fact that I loved them was never in doubt. I always made sure that there was food on the table, the washing and ironing was done, doing everything in my power to ensure that I kept a sense of normality and routine, even if my heart was breaking on the inside. I also tried to balance my business and home life making the children secure in the knowledge that they were my number one priority and that I loved them very deeply. They knew that I was hurting and I made sure how much they understood how I loved their mother and how much she loved them, as I said she had made a tape before she died, and it was always available to them when ever and however often they needed to watch it. She was to be an integral part of their life, but they needed to be secure in her love and not let her death stop them developing as rounded human beings. This was sound advice from a caring and devoted parent, however as you will have seen, I had been almost incapable of following my own counsel during that period.
Miles and Helen, Jane's parents and my own had been fantastic support but until the day when I had the vision about being with Jane again and the chance meeting with Rachel at the dinner party in February I had not seen my need to move on. I had just existed. I had told my in laws and my own parents about meeting and seeing Rachel, although I hadn't gone into graphic detail about how far we had progressed.
Helen however, was her usual perceptive self and when she called into my office on the pretence of try to get the boss to take out to lunch, I knew I was in for some serious interrogation. My PA knew how close she was to us, and always greeted her as if she was family, which meant that as long as I was not in a meeting, she walked into my office unannounced.
"Darling boy, its Friday and I need a very long and expensive lunch and Sarah just told me you have nothing in your diary for the rest of the day, so you can spare time to take me to Rudolfo's for lunch. Miles dropped me off and you can take me home later, so I can have nice glass of wine too"
She looked at me with a butter wouldn't melt smile. I laughed out loud, knowing that between Sarah and Helen I had just been seriously stitched up. Now Rudolfo's is a little piece of Italian heaven and people travel from all over Britain to indulge themselves in a celebration of great taste. By keeping the menus seasonal and the produce local, its individuality and excellence can be seen in nearly all the forty its different dishes that this unique little restaurant offers.
I made a couple of excuses, that I was far to busy for lunch today, then grinning got up from my desk knowing that it is always hard to turn down lunch there, I asked Sarah to get my Jaguar stored securely in the underground garage for the weekend, and that I would use the Range Rover or Focus which were at home if I needed. With that I told her that I would be back but knowing Helen, goodness knows when! The great thing bout owning your own company is that every now and then you can take time out without having to ask permission or explain your reasons. I felt strange in many ways walking out of the building with her, She was a tall, almost willowy blonde who at 40 something didn't try to hide her age, but because she spent so much time outside with the horses, always seemed healthy looking and almost had a classical beauty that comes with age, expensive clothes and extreme personal confidence. Today, she was wearing a light beige, trouser suit with a classical button through cream silk blouse, with brown patent stiletto heels. But however she was dressed, it was her startling blue eyes that always caught your attention. You knew Helen had class and money, in that order. Heads always turned when she entered a room, she knew her key attributes and always played to their strengths.
As we walked along the crowded street toward Rudolfo's, she linked arms with me and chatted about Miles and her life, telling me that she had just bought a fantastic stallion for her herd of horses. Then she started to tell me all about her daughter and her first year of University and how she would love to be a student again. All the time she chattered on, she was oblivious to the stares she was getting from people as we walked along. Knowing her as well as I did I knew that this was all a preamble to whatever she really wanted to talk to me about. We chatted about my kids and how well they were adjusting to life without their mum, and wouldn't she be proud of them, if she could see them. I felt the sense of great loss still, but it was heartening to know that I no longer felt the urge to run away from the world and lock myself away, everytime her name was mentioned.
Finally, we arrived and were greeted by the Maitre D and ushered to a lovely corner table, with the comment that Helen's favourite wine would be brought along any minute, just as requested. If I didn't know already I knew I was being set up now for sure! Smiling to myself I waited patiently for whatever topic it was, she wanted to discuss with me to be tabled. Finally as we sat there reading the menu, she casually asked; -
"How are things with you and Rachel darling?"
Smiling I answered; "fine I think, unless you know different!"
"No ofcourse not, I was just interested that's all, you seem happier than you have been in a long time and I wanted check everything was ok that's all" she smiled innocently.
"Ok Helen, what on your mind? I have known you too long, and you have been too good to me recently to play games. Tell me what's on your mind?"
"Its nothing sinister Steve, really I think she is wonderful for you, and you seem to equally good for her"
"But?"
"Don't get defensive Steve, I'm a bit worried that the children will get too fond of her and Alice of you too, what happens if it doesn't work out?"
The menus arrived just then and I took time to think before I answered. In truth I had worried about this as well, but I had put it aside, because I had been so happy.
"Why shouldn't it work out Helen?" I asked tersely.
I knew I might have been a little hostile, but I was happy and I didn't want to think about the negatives.
"Well you both have been badly hurt sweety"
