"After a while, I think word got around that I wouldn't put out, and I didn't get asked out much. That kind of confirmed, to me, that what these guys were after was really just going as far as they could get away with.
"In college, there were a couple, or a few I guess, guys who were different. I still didn't get asked out all that much, and a bunch of those it was plain just wanted to head back to their rooms, or mine, and make out and have sex. Again, after getting turned down firmly, those guys never asked me out again. But there were a few who were different. We'd go out, and we'd talk afterward, even if it was in someone's room. They usually kissed me good night, occasionally with some oomph to it, and maybe some touching too, and if they'd kept asking me out things might have gone a long way. But somehow it always petered out after a few weeks, and I never knew why. Maybe they just wanted signs of enthusiasm from me. A few of them, if they turned up now, I'd want to catch up with, if they were still interested in friendship. I liked them a lot, as friends, and they were interesting people to talk to, and I'm still kind of sorry we just drifted apart.
"But to answer your question: Besides some extended kissing and occasionally having my breasts groped through my clothes, there was nothing."
Scott thought about this. The one thing in it all really clear to him was that the men had taken all the initiative and, really, had all the interest. If Martha had really had any desire for anything physical with any of them, she was keeping it to herself. But also, none of them had seriously romanced her, especially after being told to quit trying for immediate sex. He wondered what might have happened if one had backed off on that, but continued to show interest in other ways. No way to tell now, anyway.
"So how did you find yourself involved with women? If you're not comfortable discussing it, say so, but I'd like to understand you better. I'm not at all after intimate physical details."
"Well, I wasn't much older than Lynda is. I felt like my life was in a rut. I had some friends, not really a lot, almost all women, and we'd sometimes do things together. But mostly I got up, went to work, came home, read and listened to the radio or watched TV, and went to bed, fixing meals and cleaning up of course. For whatever reason, it had been a long time since a guy showed any interest in me, though I'd sometimes find myself in interesting conversations, and wish the guy would ask for a date. But with women friends, I'd go to movies or concerts, or occasionally go shopping—not because we wanted to buy anything, just something to do together—things like that.
"After a while, I got to know one friend a lot better. She had an unpredictable schedule, so things weren't planned out in advance, but two or three evenings a week we'd go out for coffee, or maybe have lunch together, and just talk. Girl talk, I guess, but it was really the kind of thing I'd never found in a guy, not in an ongoing way. And I guess I was lonely, and maybe it showed. So at one point as we were just chatting, she asked me about my love life. I was pretty sure she didn't have one, or much of one, either. I guess I said pretty much what I've been saying to you. And she looked at me a while, and then she asked whether I'd ever tried kissing a woman.
"Well, I guess I was kind of shocked or something. Maybe startled is more like it. Anyway, I didn't know quite what to say, so I just said no, but I must have showed how I felt. She looked at me for a minute, and then she said she didn't want to pressure me, but that it was obvious that guys just didn't turn me on that much, enough for me to feel like doing anything about it. She said that I should know by now that she wasn't my friend because she wanted something, and that if I wasn't interested she wouldn't be hurt at all, but that if I were interested she was available. And interested. Eventually we went back to her place and kissed for a while. I was turned on some, but I didn't feel comfortable with it, and she didn't push me for anything more. A few days later, I asked her if was OK with her to try again, and, well, she made love to me. I'd never felt like that before, and I guess really never since, either.
"We continued as friends, with occasional sex, for probably a couple of years. (Oh. She asked me the very next time to make love to her, too, and I did, so that was another first.) Anyway, her company transferred her, and that was the end of that. Except that she's still a dear friend, my best friend except Lynda, and we keep in touch. After that, I had a few more girlfriends, each relationship also lasting around a year or two now that I think about it. The last one, well, wasn't so good, and kind of soured me on sex for a long time. She was really into control, and cared a lot more about me satisfying her than about making me happy. In fact, earlier when you asked asked about anal sex, well, she liked to do it on me, and it was whether I wanted to or not, which I really didn't. I know that it would be different with a man, with you I mean, but I do generally know what it feels like. I probably won't enjoy it, but it should be fine."
Scott thought that she'd given him more to think about than he'd expected. He considered briefly, then said, "Thanks. I think I understand you a lot better, and it may help. Lynda, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. I'm not after being titillated by your experiences or anything like that, but I'd like to know."
10.
Oh, don't deceive me, How could you use a poor maiden so?
Lynda said slowly, "I don't mind you knowing, I think, but I really don't want it to be common knowledge. When I was fifteen, I was raped by my boyfriend." She described briefly what had happened.
"But that wasn't the worst. I told my mother about it, and she told my dad, and their attitude was that my having sex with Ron, even though he forced me, proved that I was just a slut who thought about nothing but sex, and that I'd just sleep with any boy any time. My mother had gotten me on the pill for irregularity, I mean my doctor had said I should but she hadn't questioned it, but now suddenly I had gotten on the pill so I could sleep around! And probably I had been all along! But that's the one time me being on the pill actually may have kept me from being pregnant, and if it did I'm really glad!
"Anyway, when I was sixteen, I just left. I hope you can see why! I didn't really have any place to go, but a few friends let me stay with them for a while each. I mean, their parents let me stay, of course. I can't tell you how much it meant, and means now, that their parents were willing to take me in, they cared about me more than my own folks! I got the kind of part-time job a sixteen year old can get, and saved what I could, but I also tried to help their families out a little, and I had had to pay for stuff too, stuff your parents normally take care of." She was crying a little by this time.
"So one woman knew Martha, and knew she had a spare room, and asked her if she could let me stay there. She was thinking I could maybe rent the room, but when Martha understood the situation she didn't charge me anything, for rent or groceries or anything at all, for a year and more, until I had a full-time job. She was like a mother to me, more than my own mom ever was, or it feels like it anyway. She made me keep going to school, and bought me supplies sometimes. When I'd been staying with my friends, I'd just gone off to school with them, but now I probably wouldn't have, but she got me registered and arranged for the bus to stop and got me moving in the mornings and got me breakfast, and everything! She saw to it that I learned to drive, arranged for everything so I could get my license. Then, when I turned eighteen, I guess she talked to you, and she helped me apply for a job with you. But you know that part of it.
"Well, a little before that, she found me crying. You need to know that Ron, my former boyfriend, had spread around that I'd slept with him, and guys kept asking me for dates, but I was pretty sure they all just thought I'd just go to bed with anyone. I was probably wrong about a few of them, but how could I tell? But anyway, a lot of the time I felt so lonely and worthless, I just didn't want to go on living. But Martha hugged me and listened to me, and she told me I could stay as long as I needed to. I asked her, didn't having me in the house all the time kind of kill her own love life? I'd seen that she basically never went out with anyone, and for sure no boyfriend was spending nights at her house or anything. She laughed, and told me that it had been years since she'd had any kind of love life to kill, and that I was already feeling guilty about enough things that weren't my fault. Then she got serious, and told me that when she'd had one, it was with women, and that enough people knew it that some people were probably jumping to conclusions about me. She said she hoped it wouldn't add to my problems, and she hoped knowing about it wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable staying with her, but she thought I needed to know. But how could I think anything bad about her because of that? When she was letting me stay for free, and really treating me like a daughter?