Read part 1 for the conversation between Laura and me that started this afternoon.
Come back later for part 3, the erotic/pornographic sequel.
1. Introduction
Summary of that afternoon (part 1)
Laura, my seven weeks younger stepsister and I had a very good conversation this afternoon. We'd expressed to each other what we'd sensed for a while, but hadn't given a name yet. We had strong feelings for each other. Feelings of being in love, or rather a deep connection that had evolved into actual love. Emotionally, I'd no longer seen Laura as my (step) sister for quite a while, and she didn't see me as a (step) brother any longer either. Which, biologically at least, was of course not actually the case either. We had started behaving more like friends or cousins towards each other lately. Unconsciously, we'd created kind of an artificial distance between each other, maybe in foresight? Because we'd come to realize that we actually wanted to be closer to each other, rather than further apart. But no longer in what had started feeling like an acting game of playing brother and sister.
We couldn't have been happier when we were able to confirm to each other that our feelings were mutual. And we could hardly believe that we'd had the courage to express this to each other. It actually went so easily, so naturally. This strengthened our feeling that we had a deep connection and intuition for each other. Also because of how long and closely we knew each other, we felt very strongly that we were each other's extension, part of each other's essential being.
It was difficult to reconstruct who had actually played the first open card this afternoon. The conversation had started as kind of a careful explorative chess game between two young people in a special, but also very vulnerable position. Who'll be the first to bare his soul? That issue was much more important even here than with a 'normal' couple of young people who develop feelings for each other. Because who of us was the first to dare to take the risk of pouring out their most vulnerable feelings, possibly ending up in a snake pit of taboos and condemnation or even humiliation? By the outside world, but first and foremost also in the eyes of each other. Still, luckily feelings had won here in the end, and we'd come out whole and unscathed. Together.
The future now was a big question mark for us, however. But for now we were united, determined, and above all filled with happiness. With that feeling we fell asleep together on the bench in my room.
2. Dreams and omens
Later that afternoon, we were still sleepy and lay on the bench, hugging each other. The bench in my room was just big enough for two people to lie against each other, and felt like a cocoon. The low sunlight shone in through the blinds. The warmth woke us up.
The adrenaline from the conversation this afternoon had slowly disappeared from our bloodstream. Was it a combination of the love hormone endorphin and the sleep hormone melatonin that made everything feel so peaceful? Was it the butterflies? The world felt like a soft pink, peaceful and quiet. In this silence we felt like one.
As silences do, this one also asked to be broken sooner or later.
"Laura, what made you walk in here this afternoon?" I suddenly asked curiously. "Like, why now, I mean?"
I puzzled in my head why it was her who had taken the first step, no matter how logical it felt in retrospect. But someone has to do it. Some questions maybe don't have an answer.
- "It was because of that dream I had the other day." Laura said. "We were together. It was so nice... it felt very real, and also as if it was just the way it should be. I don't remember... I don't think I'd ever dreamed about you like that before."
"Do you believe in omens? I don't know how dreams work, actually..." I mused out loud.
- "I don't know... but it's more about how I felt afterwards. When I was awake."
I nodded softly. I stroked her shoulder. "At first I was a bit shocked." she continued. "A kind of instinctive reaction, like: this is strange, it's not right. But then I started thinking. Why actually? Who should I be shocked for? It really felt like... that thought isn't mine. It doesn't come from my inner self."
3. Soap
"How did you know...?" she started a question. "...that you liked me? I don't want to feel like I'm forcing something on you by walking in here this afternoon, or anything."
It felt like she wanted to reassure herself of this afternoon's conversation. Or rather, she wanted more reassurance from me.
- "You just beat me to it today, I think. In my head... I don't think I'd putten one and one together, so to speak." I said
"Did you find it too scary?"
- "No, well, maybe. It just never occurred to me as a serious idea... I never even saw it as an option, you know?"
"So what were you thinking, up to then?" Laura asked.
- "Well, I don't know. I just thought you were sweet. And also kinda pretty, of course..."
"Kinda pretty?" she asked in mock surprise, with a small smile on her face.
- "Well, I mean, I once did see you as a sister, you know." I said defensively. "It's more in retrospect that I think... Or well, lately I've had more...." I couldn't quite get my words together.
Laura nodded. "Were you looking at me?" she asked.
- "Yes." I said. "In retrospect, yes. Recently."
"But what did you think at that time?" she asked interestedly.
I found it difficult to answer this honestly. Suddenly it felt a bit strange. I took a deep breath and tried anyway.
- "Well, I kept thinking, surely this isn't really okay. I also thought maybe that feeling actually just made it stronger. Because it was forbidden or something. And I thought maybe it will just pass again."
"Did you feel guilty?"
- "Actually yes, kinda. As if everyone was looking at me. As if it's gross."
I had a hard time getting those last words out of my mouth. I actually didn't want to use them in the same room where Laura was. Then I suddenly remembered the sarcastic tone with which Laura so effectively expressed her feelings this afternoon. With which she clearly separated other people's thoughts from her own feelings.
So I added: "Now I just don't understand anymore... why. Why others would think that." trying to emphasize the disagreement in my voice. "Why it would be wrong, or why I was even afraid of that opinion." I said now in a calmer voice.
- "No, exactly." Laura added.
"Because actually I no longer really understand where that feeling even came from." I said. "It's not as if anyone ever told us... what was and wasn't allowed?" I wondered out loud.
- "No, it's strange, isn't it? "Laura said. "It's just something that society... it's just assumed or something. Like, do you even remember... did mom and dad ever talk to you about, well... about us? In this way?"
There they were... the elephants in the room. Or at least some of the elephants in the room. However, what Laura just said made me suddenly wonder whether when it came to our parents and how they'd react, we also might have kinda made things up ourselves. That maybe we were worried about nothing. How would the conversation about this go with them? Maybe it was purely our fear speaking.
"No, I don't remember... not about this." I said honestly. "They never said anything to me one-on-one about... like, you're not allowed to do this or that."
Laura gave an understanding look. "No, I don't think they ever said anything to me either. That something was forbidden, or that they didn't want certain things. Not in so many words."
I started digging through my memories. "I just remember that conversation years ago. How old were we then? When we first heard exactly, well, who we were."
Laura could also remember the conversation. "Yeah, I think about that often. Recently, I mean. Whether something might have changed then."
"But how old were we then?" I asked. "That was years ago. I really didn't have any... well... about you as a... I was still playing with LEGO, haha."
- "No, not consciously. But maybe it had an influence later? From a certain age we knew and understood that we weren't related, right?" Laura asked herself. "How old do you think you were when you first... looked at me or something? Looking back?"
"Pfffff..." I looked as if I had to dig deep. Which was true. "Well, like I said, I didn't really consciously realize for a long time... that there was something different or special."
Suddenly a memory came to mind. I had no idea where it came from. After a short silence, I took a deep breath.
"When we were little... I remember taking baths..." I chuckled awkwardly and suddenly started to blush.
- "What?" Laura said with her face, but she kept her lips tight and forced a small awkward smile.
"Well, just... I just mean...!" I reacted apologetically.
It now felt like I got caught, or had to explain something.
"I just liked that, taking baths together. Playing with the soap and everything. But that's in hindsight. I just think I was curious."
I looked at her for understanding. She smiled kindly.
"But how old were we then? I didn't know at the time that you weren't my real sister." I said, trying to normalize it, which didn't come out the way it sounded in my head. "I mean, we were just kids." I added, slightly desperately.
Laura stroked my arm and smiled kindly again. This was clearly new to her, but her reaction was one of amusement rather than judgment.
"You never told me that!" she shouted happily.
- "Well, no, come one. What should I have said? And when?" I asked desperately.
"No, I guess you're right..." she had to admit. "But would you feel something like that as a child?" she asked.
- "Don't know. Seems unlikely, right? What would that be like with other brothers and sisters?"
Neither of us had ever had another brother or sister.
"No, you're right... when you're so little... I don't know, it's not like I talk about this with friends, about what it was like with their brothers in the past." Laura said with a contorted face.
"Children just take baths together, right?" I said questioningly.
Laura thought for a second.
- "But don't you have the feeling afterwards that from a certain age onwards, they kept us a bit separate? In the bathroom? Or well... that they started paying more attention or something?"
"I don't know..." I said. "That's in hindsight. When you get older, I think it's quite normal that in the bathroom, well... you no longer just walk in on each other, right?"
It felt like we were in the dark about a lot of things. About what was 'normal'. And what, in retrospect, were omens. Or what was simply part of a 'normal' childhood. There was that word 'normal' again, popping into my head again.
4. School yard
"On the one hand I want to... what we have is so unique." I said. "It feels kinda nice to think back where it all, well, when it started."
