1. Introduction
For a long time we had both ignored our feelings, or no, completely overlooked them. We lived under the same roof, as if we were brother and sister. But of course we weren't really that at all. From the moment we were old enough to realize that, our relationship, in retrospect, had slowly changed. On the one hand, we naturally behaved like family. Close, familiar, and often guided by daily routines. Yet inside we subconsciously felt that we were playing a role in that area, no matter how automatic the play had become to us. In fact, we were nothing of each other, other than the situation we found ourselves in together.
Coincidentally, we were practically the same age. Laura was almost 7 weeks younger than me. We were peers, partly with the same interests and habits, but different enough from each other to open our eyes to each other. To feed curiosity.
We never had the typical bullying between brothers and sisters. As young children we played together, or sometimes alone, as all young children do. But when we were a little older we perhaps started to behave more like cousins or second cousins who happen to live close to each other and who happen to get along well. Friendly, but without the claustrophobic animosity and envy of some brothers/sisters. Familiar and loving, but with an appropriate distance.
That appropriate distance was, in retrospect, a harbinger. The distance created the space for attraction. Or to put it the other way around: probably at some point we both felt something growing, or at least the potential or curiosity for it, and just to be safe we kept some distance from each other to let it (whatever 'it' was, or whatever it could become) be less wrong. Or to preventively avoid uncomfortable situations with a wide turn. In practice, we lived more like friends, classmates or maybe cousins. But precisely this created full space for any mutual feelings to grow unhindered. We did not realize at that moment the jump start that we unconsciously created for ourselves then and there.
2. The bench in my room
When Laura suddenly walked into my room that afternoon, which we almost never did together, I think we both realized within a second what was going on here and what was going to happen. It must have been partly her body language where I could tell she wasn't coming to discuss an annoyance or make small talk. Something was about to happen that made all my antennae stand up. I felt that. It started with the fact that when she came in, she didn't say much.
"Hey." she said softly in a failed at attempt at sounding casual.
She walked to the bench in my room and sat down on it slowly and carefully. Her hands on her knees. Her feet pointed together, and her ankles were bare above the low sneakers she wore. She didn't say anything yet, but was clearly preparing herself for something. Not like anything bad had happened. No one had died or anything. There was clearly something personal going on here that she needed to think about.
From that moment on, a deep peace and warmth came over me.
In an instant a series of realities dawned on me. And to her, no doubt. She wasn't my sister. She was a peer. One I knew particularly well, and she knew me. Which made it a privilege to have grown up so close to her. A unique opportunity. There was no one in this world I knew better than her. She was a kind of mirror image, but not quite like a twin sister, I imagined. And besides, we were old enough to make our own choices if we wanted to. And what that was, we actually saw it confirmed in each other's eyes at that moment before a word had been said.
She had short dark brown hair, not overtly boyish, but a bit cool. She was cool, but sensitive. Funny and intelligent. And what had not escaped my attention lately: she hid a beautiful hourglass figure hidden under her light blue dungarees.
She started.
"I want to talk with you. We need to talk, I think. I just need to ask you something. May I ask you something?" she asked restlessly, moving her feet together.
My heart started beating faster for a moment. But it was more out of excitement than fear. Something inside me knew what was coming.
"That sounds serious. Nothing bad I hope?" I asked innocently.
She laughed nervously for a moment. Then the serious look on her face was back.
"Have you been avoiding me lately?" she suddenly asked out of the blue.
"Uh no, I um... we are cool, right? I wouldn't know why." I said.
"No, that's not what I mean either. I know that too." she smiled kindly. "But could it be that you no longer see me as a sister?"
"Um, well... how do you see that?" I now asked in my turn.
"Well, you're just... I mean, we've kind of always been together. But lately... it's all so strange. It feels like a play that we have to participate in."
Suddenly she stopped. She looked at me in shock.
"Do you understand me? Don't you have that?" she asked, slightly desperate.
I looked at her kindly. I wanted to reassure her. She hadn't said anything concrete yet, but I knew exactly what she meant. At least that's what I assumed.
She saw my small smile and her expression calmed down. She seemed reassured by my look. She continued immediately. "I have the feeling more and more that we both understand each other very well. We know each other so well. But it feels like we have to keep our distance from each other for others. I think it's so frustrating."
She looked at me again. It felt as if she now sensed that we were on the same page, that she could express her feelings. Still, I saw the anticipation in her face. She wanted me to say something now before she completely exposed her thoughts.
"Yes, I understand you, I think." I said. "What you just asked about how I see you... well, not really as a sister, I guess. Of course I never had another sister. So I don't know..."
She now gave me an analyzing look as she sat bent over with her elbows on her thighs. She waited for a little more clarification of my words.
"I... well... I hope I don't scare you," I heard coming from my own lips, "...but I would like to be closer to you." I said softly, as I gave her a long look directly in her eyes.
Immediately after that my look changed to somewhat startled. The words were out. It felt like a scream that had been suppressed for years pushing itself out. It felt good to finally say this. Still, I was shocked by how quickly it came out of my mouth. And I now looked at her expectantly.
She gave me a look that confirmed that she understood exactly what I was saying.
Yet I, in turn, looked for confirmation from her mouth. It was like a game of chess.
"I hope not... is that also what you wanted to say?" I asked. I laughed nervously. "Please say something now, haha. I'm standing here... I hope... Jesus..." I said as I realized the gamble I had taken here.
She exhaled and brushed her short brown hair behind her right ear, as if she were about to say something very serious. But I saw the relief in her face. "Me too." she said briefly but clearly. "Relax."
"You mean... I..." I searched for words.
"I missed you, I guess. I don't want any more distance. I actually want less distance." she said.
"Yes. Precisely." I said with a serious look of agreement and a nod. But it was a nod that begged her to continue talking.
She could tell from my face that I was hanging on her every word.
"I mean, well... I mean, I just feel... I want to be with you." she continued, looking intently at me again. I still hung on her lips.
"Well, you get what I'm saying, right?" she said.
Of course I understood her, and she understood me. But we were both looking for a huge load of confirmation. As if we wanted to make sure we meant the same thing, and wanted to make sure we knew what we, well, us together, were actually doing here.
"So I don't mean like brother and sister anymore. I haven't seen you like this for a long time. I want to be with you. I... I... we... I dreamed about you" Laura suddenly said. Another one of those sudden sentences that blurted out of her. "It was such a nice dream. When I woke up I didn't know what I should... well. But then I started thinking."
She also spent a moment thinking now. About what she was going to say.
"You are important to me. Well, more than that. Well, what I just said. I just feel, I want to be with you. It feels like we belong together. I really want that anyway. I just feel it. You are part of me. I... I... well, I just think you're sweet. Very sweet." She made wild gestures with her arms.
She took a breath and sat up. "I think I have a little crush on you. Well. That's it." She held her palms open on her knees and looked a little startled, as if to say, "Here, voila, it's out. There's no way back now anyway."
Now it was my turn again.
"I think about you too, sometimes. No... not sometimes actually. Quite often actually. But I have never seen, or well... not seen for a long time, what it actually is. I don't, I can't... well, I don't want to be without you. I never meant for this to... but, that's just how it is. To me you are just, Laura. I... we... we belong together. And we fit together. And I like you so much too. Well, more than like."
Laura responded, and at the same time continued her previous words:
"No, you know, it's more than just being in love. It feels like I skipped a few steps. Falling in love is so... This is different."
Her story was unstoppable now. Her words just kept coming.
"I feel like it works differently for us, you know what I mean? I know you way too well for that. It's like you're part of me. As if you are already a part of me. That can't go away, that will never go away anymore."
I nodded in agreement. Laura saw that I wanted to confirm everything she said. That's how it was, and nothing else. Also for me.