We lay in each other's arms, legs entwined for a couple of hours. Jolene's tears continued, and at times she sobbed uncontrollably. Little was said. When I questioned her, she refused to talk. I was confused and more moved by Jolene's tears than anything else.
Do I love her? What the fuck is love? Why is she crying?
Questions begging answers swirled around my head.
We still had Vaseline smeared on our body parts, so just when Jolene calmed down, I jumped up and pulled her off the bed onto her feet.
"What are you doing, Richie?"
"Come with me," I said and pulled her into my parent's bathroom. "It's shower time."
I caught Jolene's image in the mirror as I reached in and turned on the shower. I scrutinized her as I adjusted the water temperature.
Damn, she's beautiful!
I spun around, swept her in my arms and kissed her.
"Have I told you I love you?" I said.
"Stop. You'll make me start crying again."
"But why the tears, Jolene?"
Jolene pushed me through the shower door and slipped in next to me under the cascade of warm water. She wrapped her arms around me, and the shower spray beat against my back. We turned and let the warm water run over her. I grabbed a bar of soap, lathered it up in my hands and began washing Jolene's body. She instantly relaxed as my hands, more like caressing than washing, glided in a sudsy film over her skin. I ran my hand between the cheeks of her butt and washed away the Vaseline.
"Talk to me," I begged. She shook her head side to side.
I reached behind her and turned off the water. We stood there in silence. After a few minutes, I nuzzled her ear.
"Jolene," I whispered. "Please."
"I can't," she whispered and started crying again. "I just can't."
"Why?" She pushed me away, opened the shower door and stepped out.
"Because you'll hate me that's why! You won't want to touch me ever again!!" She put her face in her hands and began to weep. I stepped out, took a towel and started drying her back. I pulled one arm away, dried it off and then dried the other arm. I knelt behind her and rubbed the towel over her cute butt. I followed up with each leg.
"Turn around, Jolene." She obeyed and I finished toweling off the front of her body. As I gently dried her breasts, I began to speak.
"I have confession, Jolene." I leaned in and gave one kiss to each nipple. "Bobby told me something, and I think it only fair you should hear what he said." Jolene didn't say a word, but she stopped crying. I wrapped the towel around my shoulders.
"He said...he heard...your mama and his mama talking. Your mama said you...ah...had been...raped by an uncle." Jolene choked and her shoulders sagged. "I want you to know how sorry I am that happened to you." I kissed her forehead. "I really do love you, Jolene. If you want or need to talk about it...I'm here for you."
"Oh, God, Richie," she sobbed and sagged against me. "I can't. It's so awful."
"If you want, I'll go find him and kill him." She lightly punched me and laughed in spite of her tears. She took the towel and started drying me off. It seemed to help her, and by the time I was dry, she stopped crying. We sat down on the bathroom floor.
"Jolene, look at me." I took her face in my hands. "I may be a dumb high school kid, but I took intro to psych and I read a lot about it. I can't imagine what you went through, and it must have been hell. Have you ever talked to anybody about it?"
"Yes," she said and nodded her head. "I talked to a therapist. It doesn't change anything, Richie. It's still there. Talk, talk, talk. It's still there." She started crying again.
"Jolene, it doesn't have to be."
"You don't know what you're saying. I can't make it go away," she sobbed. "I see him in my dreams. I feel him over and over again. It won't go away." I slid closer to her, and held her in my arms.
"Jolene, look at me." She turned and looked up at me. Her tear streaked face broke my heart. In that moment, I realized what a mask her sensual, sexual side was. She hid a deep reservoir of pain underneath it. I also realized how fragile she really was, and how, so far, I'd taken advantage of those frailties. I felt like a real creep.
"You can let it go. You must let it go, Jolene. It's a poison inside you." I pulled up her head and looked her squarely in the face. "Jolene, you are smart and beautiful and your life can be anything you want it to be. We all have shitting things happen to us. Maybe this thing is worse than anything I could ever imagine, but if you don't let it go, it will continue to make your life hell, and THAT is not acceptable to me."
She looked at me with wide eyes as if she was seeing me for the first time.
"It wasn't your fault." As soon as I said that, she fell against me and started sobbing again.
Crap!
"What if it was my fault," she blubbered. "He said it was."
"Okay, hold on a minute, Jolene. Just stop and look at me." I held her gaze for a few moments until she stopped crying.
"Tell me exactly what happened. Nothing you can say will make me stop loving you." We sat in silence for several minutes just staring at each other. Eventually she started shaking her head side to side.
"I've never told anyone everything," she said and lowered her eyes. She leaned her head back against the bathroom cabinet. "I'm so ashamed."
I kissed the back of her hands and smiled at her.
"Don't be. Get it all out. Tell me everything. Set yourself free." I continued to shock myself with the things I said. I sounded wiser and more mature than ever before.