Jacks Smile

No sex

Jack was talking to me with that smile on his face and my brain had drifted off to LaLa land. It was so hard to focus on what he was saying. I met Jack a few months ago when he joined one of the bicycle clubs I belonged to. Boyish good looks, from a distance he looked half may age. As you got closer you could see the lines year's of worry had worn onto his face.

Three years ago...

It was a month after my youngest went off to college three years ago that I realized I no longer fit in most of my clothes in my closet. Some were three dress sizes too small. A look in the mirror revealed that I had left curvy and was passing through pleasantly plump. My husband was even worse as he had three or more inches of belly hanging over his boxers and man boobs.

"Joe," I said, "we need to gain control over our weight."

"Why, I am ok with the way I look and I'm ok with the way you look."

"I would love for you to be more than ok with the way I look for one thing. I can either shed some pounds or buy a new wardrobe and buying a new wardrobe sounds like giving up."

"Jesse, you do what makes you happy and I'll do what makes me happy. Is this an empty nest thing?"

"No Joe, its none of my shit fits me any more thing."

That came across with a lot of unintended anger and Joe shut down any further conversation. I decided to join a gym and start eating better. I also lined up my clothes by size in my closet. After a month, the line of what I could wear had moved to the left and there were dresses on the right that were two big for me. One of my slimmer friends recommended that I join a bike riding club with her. That quickly became my favorite exercise.

Joe didn't seam to notice that I was slimming down. What he did notice was my preference for salads and not the fried food he preferred. That ended up in an argument that festered for weeks with Joe saying fuck it, he would just eat out. Eating out quickly took Joe from being overweight to obese and then the extra weight led to joint problems which led to even more weight gain.

Three years later...

The bike club was probably 70% men and 30% women and most were senior citizens. Jack joined about three months ago. On his first ride he ended up riding alongside me and was asking about other bike clubs in the area. I told him I would send him some links when we got back to our cars. He was loading his bike when I walked over to him, that may have been the first time he dazzled me with that smile. Dazzled may not be right, but I enjoyed it when that smile was directed at me. We ended up swapping phone numbers so I could send him the links.

At the next ride, Jack pulled into the parking lot right after me and I headed over to his car while he unloaded. He gave me that smile as he unloaded his bike. During the ride we ended up alongside each other several times. I had so much trouble figuring out how old he was, sometimes he looked my age and other times he looked like a kid. Along that second ride he told me he and his wife of 30 years had divorced six months ago. Damn it, he was fucking single.

I wasn't the only woman who liked to greet or ride alongside Jack, nor was I the only woman who basked in that smile. It didn't matter the woman's age or looks, Jack smiled at all of us equally, even the guys got that same smile. I was irrationally jealous. Even my friend Kathy, who had twenty years on me, said she felt like a schoolgirl when Jack smiled at her.

We started texting each other during the week, mostly about upcoming bike rides or past bike rides. Occasionally we drifted into personal stuff, I let him know I was married and he wanted to know why my husband didn't ride with me. In hindsight, I realized I gave him too much information. But Jack shared a similar story about his wife who had almost no interest in any physical activity except lifting a wine glass.

Then the Sunday afternoon ride happened. It was a hot 35 mile ride and we were all sweating when we got back to our cars. The leaders were talking about a Thursday night ride and wanted to know who was interested. I raced over to Jack's jeep, and he was pulling off his shirt with his back to me. I called his name and he turned to face me. Jack was cut, not like some gym rat but clearly defined muscles and pecs, with just a hint of belly. I was staring, and when I looked into that smile I knew I was busted.

"What's up Jesse."

"The leaders are talking about a ride on Thursday evening, I wanted to let you know to see if you were interested. They wanted to get a feel for how much interest there was before they post in on the web site."

"Sign me up Jesse, and can you send me the time and place for the meet up."

Jack turned to lift his bike onto his bike rack and I got to watch those muscles in action.

"Do you know how many miles they're planning Jesse?"

Again, he caught me staring at his chest. I was fighting to keep my gaze from drifting lower. It would be pointless since I knew he wore padded bike shorts under his gym shorts.

I realized that I had been staring for a long time, and Jack's question was hanging in the air. I shook myself out of the stupor I was in and told him only 20 miles. And I looked into that fucking smile again.

For the first time in forever, I masturbated while I was in the shower that night. I was embarrassed when I climbed into bed with my husband. He asked me if I was ok because my cheeks were flushed. Joe and I rarely slept together anymore, only occasionally on weekends. His weight gain had led to obnoxious snoring and I normally started or ended up in the guest room.

Like Kathy, Jack had me feeling like a little schoolgirl.

We texted more and more frequently and became friends on Facebook. There was Saturday night that Joe was out with his friends and I spent the whole evening texting back and forth with Jack. The only times we got together were with one of the bike clubs, we were never alone together. But my masturbation sessions in the shower were becoming almost a daily experience and sometimes a second session if I was sleeping alone.

Kathy pulled up alongside me on one of our bike rides.

"I see the way you look at Jack, heck half the women in the club stare at Jack and that smile. But Jesse, I think you heading into that grey zone. I'm not sure if Jack looks at you any differently than he looks at any other woman in the club. You're married and Jack is not. How do you think this is going to end?"

"I don't know Kathy, I haven't thought ahead and I didn't realize I was being obvious. Do you think Jack noticed?"

"He would have to be an idiot not to notice. And I think his divorce is in play here, his demeanor changes the few times he mentions his ex."

I decided to cool it with Jack, at least on the outside but Jack owned me when I was in the shower.

There was a text waiting for me from Jack when I got home from the next ride, "I'm sorry if I said something to offend you Jesse, you seamed distant today."

"Sorry Jack, just some shit at home."

"Well, if you ever need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, I'm here for you. It's only been in the last year that I realized how therapeutic a good cry can be and overcame that "boys don't cry" stigma I grew up with."

Fuck, could he be anymore perfect. Could I cry on his shoulder and tell him I had feelings for a man that wasn't my husband. Could I tell him he was that man.

The shit hit the fan as they say a month later. I had gone back to treating Jack the way I did before Kathy's warning. I knew it was a mistake but I didn't want to do anything to alienate Jack. But the storm started on one of the few nights Joe and I had sex. As usual, I was riding him which was becoming the only position that we could actually have sex. Somehow, Jack slipped into my mind and I was riding him instead of my husband. I felt Joe come inside me which pushed me over the edge and an "Oh Jack" escaped my lips just loud enough for Joe to hear me. I opened my eyes and Joe was looking up at me before he pushed me off and headed downstairs.

My mind was running in circles as I tried to figure out a way to fix it. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Joe in anyway. I ended up crying myself to sleep.

In the morning, I found Joe fully dressed sitting at the kitchen table with my cell phone in his hand. He also had my tablet open. Joe and I always shared passwords so he had complete access to all my shit. Joe poured me a cup of coffee and sat me down across from him. He turned my tablet to face me, it was opened to Jack's Facebook page.

In a calm voice that was anything but calm, he said, "So is this 'Oh Jack'?"

"I hate to say it's not what you think, I have never even touched Jack. He's a member of some of the bike clubs I ride with."

"But you also text him, you told him all about my troubles controlling my weight and the repercussions to my joints. You certainly make me sound very unattractive don't you."

I started to apologize and he held his hand up.

"I can't blame you Jesse, you warned me three years ago that we were heading here if I didn't get my shit together and I maybe it's too late to undo what I did to myself. You've worked yourself into becoming a very attractive woman and I've become a cartoon character. It was only a matter of time before someone else found you attractive."

"He doesn't treat me any different than he treats all the other women at the bike rides, you can ask Kathy."

"So, he sends Kathy and the all the other woman dozens of texts each week, he must have a lot of time on his hands. None of the other members of your bike club are friends with him on Facebook."

I didn't have an answer for him, Kathy never mentioned any texts from Jack. She would direct any questions about what Jack was doing to me.

"Cheating isn't limited to physical infidelity Jesse, there's also emotional infidelity. I'm not sure if what you doing with Jack constitutes emotional infidelity but it must be close. And if you're yelling out 'oh Jack' while we're having sex, I'm assuming that's who you were picturing yourself with last night. And that's who your picture yourself with when you come out of the shower all flushed."

The tears began rolling down my face, "You're right Joe, I don't know how I let it happen. Kathy even warned me that I was straying into dangerous territory and I still let it continue. I'll end it Joe, I'll end the whole thing, the bike clubs, the rides, I'll never see Jack again and I'll block him. I'll unfriend him on Facebook. I promise. You are the one I always wanted to grow old with."

"It's too late for that Jesse, you will always regret leaving Jack. This is my fault, we wouldn't be here if I had listened to you three years ago. He's a good looking man, how could you not find him attractive, so much more than me. We can have a nice quiet divorce, no fireworks, and go our separate ways."

The divorce word was like a slap across my face. Jackie asked me weeks ago where I thought this was going to end and was there any other outcome?

"I do find him attractive Joe, and I'm sorry I let things get to where they are. I won't fight a divorce but I will still end any contact I have with Jack. You are the man I want to grow old with, the man who held my hand when I gave birth to our children. The man who worked his ass off to give his family everything they needed and still found time to coach the kids soccer and baseball teams. The man who kept everything moving when I was sick in the hospital. There wasn't a Christmas or Thanksgiving that you weren't at my side getting food on the table or cleaning up. I can't remember the last time I did a load of towels or emptied a dishwasher. That means more to me than someone who happens to be attractive. Maybe I forgot that. Please Joe, stay with me, give me another chance."

We sat there staring at each other for an eternity. Sometimes I would see a tear forming in his eyes. I wish I knew where his mind was going.

"Let's go Jesse?"

"Where are we going Joe."

"To a bike store Jesse, do you think I should start with one of those e-bikes? It's got to be a decade or two since I rode with the kids. Do you think it's true when they say you never forget how to ride a bike?"

Joe had this whole soliloquy going as he took my hand and led me to the car. He basically didn't let go of my hand until he was loading his new e-bike onto my bike rack.

"Where to Jesse?"

I sent him directions to one of the easier bike trails I liked, it was an old train line that was paved and pretty level. While Joe drove, I said goodbye to Jack and the bike clubs. I sent Kathy a longer text:

"Joe told me this morning where he saw my relationship with Jack ending and scared the shit our of me. As you probably knew the only ending was divorce. Fortunately, Joe's giving me another chance. We're heading over to the linear trail so Joe can get use to his new bike. Jack may have a wonderful smile but it doesn't compare to all the wonderful things Joe brings into my life."

Joe became a fanatic bike rider, we rode every day when the weather was decent. All of a sudden he loved salads and stopped drinking. He lost so much weight so fast he scared the shit out of his doctor. And he became so much friskier. When the kids came home from school they wanted to know what I did with their father.

It was a year after I ended it with Jack that Joe and I ran into him at a bike trail. Joe and I were finishing up a ride and Jack was just unloading his bike. He came right over to us and introduced himself to Joe.

"Kathy told me that I may have upset your marriage and if so, I am truly sorry. I hope you guys have overcome any trouble I caused." There was no smile, I never seen him so serious.

Joe said, "Jack, I want to thank you, our marriage is stronger than ever. I needed a good kick in the ass and I got it." Joe reached out and shook Jack's hands.

On the ride home Joe said, "Damn, he is one good looking guy. Do you ever have any regrets Jesse?"

"No Joe, I'm married to the most wonderful man on the planet and I'm sorry I forgot that."