It's a Hard Life

It's a weird country I live in, and it's a hard life. For years we couldn't get a reading out of the rain gauge for the dust in the bottom of it, if it rained, I think that's when this wet stuff falls from the sky, there was a little mud in it. But now, I almost didn't get through from the station to Broken Hill because of the rain making many of the roads impassable, even for a four wheel drive.

Home for me was Balgo Downs, a cattle station somewhere to the east of Lake Frome in South Australia, and to get to Broken Hill it is a two hundred and fifty bone shaking kilometres on a gravel road, that was now mud in places where there had been dried water courses for as long as I can remember, before we hit the Barrier Highway at Olary. There I hang a left onto the bitumen that took us into Broken Hill where I was to meet my sister who was coming up from the big smoke. What I need to explain for those who don't live in Australia is that the 'big smoke' refers to a major city, in this case Sydney, and it doesn't matter whether the smoke is geographically North, South, East or West, you always come up from the big smoke and go down to the big smoke.

Anyway, my sister Natalie was coming up from the big smoke for a visit to get away from the problems she was having, like her bastard of a husband Robert who, after not wanting kids for years, duffs up (gets pregnant) his secretary and decides that he wants a family, with her. Needless to say Nat is somewhat less than impressed and isn't taking it too well, so she's coming to cry on my shoulder, although I don't know what help I'll be, given my track record with women and relationships.

I, at thirty years of age, am still a bachelor, but not a virgin, I hasten to add. I've had a couple of unsuccessful attempts at relationships, the most spectacular failures were at B&S (Bachelors and Spinsters) balls, these are just a ginormous excuse for a piss up and shag fest, I think I was the only person who expected any lasting benefit.

I even applied to go on a reality TV show called 'The Farmer Wants a Wife' but wasn't accepted because they didn't think that I was desperate enough. What would they know? The only drought longer than mine was the meteorological one we've just gone through. It's not that I don't have contact with women, it's just that the women I am close to, station hands and cooks, were either too old or attached.

Nat's coming in on the first flight in the morning so I'm booked into a hotel for the night and I find myself seated in the Dining Room looking at the menu with a waitress hovering impatiently beside me. For something different from either lamb or beef I decided on calamari, I remember trying it once when I went down to Adelaide for the Royal Show (agricultural show) and quite liked it. I took a bite of what was supposed to be calamari to find that it was minced squid formed into a ring and covered in bread crumbs. "What's this supposed to be?" I asked the waitress after I leg-roped her and dragged her back to my table. I didn't really, but it did take some doing to grab her attention.

"It's crumbed calamari."

"No, it's crumbed squid rings, it is not calamari."

"Yeah it's squid, that's calamari, and it's been minced and shaped into a ring and crumbed, therefore it's crumbed calamari." I pushed the plate away from me in disgust. "Do you want it or not?"

"I wouldn't feed this to my cat." I told her so she grabbed the plate and started to walk away. "Hang on, I want to order something else, something that I can eat."

"Suit yourself but you're going to have to pay for this."

"You're kidding, I pay for it and you take it back to the kitchen and eat it."

"What makes you think I'd eat it? What do you want?"

"You'd better get me a steak and I want it rare and none of that packet pepper sauce either."

"Would you like to come out to the kitchen and cook it yourself? Shee, talk about fussy, anyone would think you're in a fancy city restaurant the way you carry on." She shuffled off to get my steak.

She returned and shoved the plate in front of me with a slab of steak on it. "The chef told me to tell you that not five minutes ago this was running around the paddock." I cut into it and took a bite, it was good, just the way I like it and I told her so.

I went to bed early, a combination of a long drive and the need to get an early start made it necessary, but I couldn't get to sleep straight away thinking about Nat and her problems and what I could do to help her. We had been close up until the time she left to go to university while I stayed to help out at home after Dad's accident. We'd both been sent to boarding school in Sydney and, although we went to different schools we kept in touch on weekends. Her friends were my friends and vice versa and it was one of my friends that she ended up marrying. Robert wasn't my best friend and I didn't know him all that well, he was a day student from the Eastern Suburbs and had shit loads of money. That wasn't the reason we were friends, he was more of a friend of a friend. Anyway, Nat and he got together and married and had a harbourside apartment where they entertained their friends. So I guess I blamed myself for her problems.

I got up early and had your typical hotel breakfast, cereal, bacon and eggs with toast and a choice of either tea bag tea or instant coffee, such culinary joy! At nine I rescued the Disco (Land Rover Discovery) from the hotel car park and headed for the airport to meet the first flight in. I was just in time to see it descending out of the sun and sliding onto the tarmac. I was surprised to see Nat get off with another woman who looked vaguely familiar. As they got closer I recognised her as Karen, one of Nat's friends from school. Wow! She's grown up and looks great. What's she doing here?

Nat hurried into the terminal building and rushed up to me, giving me the hugest hug. "Hi Pete, thanks for meeting us and letting us stay. You do remember Karen don't you?"

"Of course I do, Hi." I held out my hand which she ignored, instead giving me a hug that was every bit as good as Nat's.

Her lips were next to my ear and a barely audible whisper brought everything into focus. "You realise that I had a monster crush on you at school. I still do."

They stood either side of me as we waited for the bags to come off the plane. Nat leaned in close. "She told you didn't she?" I nodded and caught the look that passed between them. They're up to something.

It was a slow and dirty trip back. The first part on the bitumen to Olary was easy and the Disco trundled along at 100Klicks, you can't expect too much more from the small diesel motor, but as soon as we hit the gravel, scratch that, mud, it was a hard slog. Three times I had to wade a fast moving creek with the winch cable and heavy hammer and stake. I sat on the bonnet (hood) and operated the winch while Nat took the wheel and kept the motor running in low range to keep it going and help the winch.

It took us over six hours to complete the two hundred and fifty kilometres to the station and when we got there it was difficult to tell what colour the Disco was when we had set out. There was mud caked in the wheel arches that almost reached the tyres. It was going to take a bit of water to get rid of all that, but then water we have plenty of at the moment.

I helped carry the bags inside and dumped them in the living room while Nat went to find Mum. Karen stood looking around her. "This looks every bit as good as Nat told me it would, I have a feeling that I'm going to enjoy this." She walked over to me and kissed me on the lips. "You will do everything in your power to see that I enjoy myself, won't you?"

My hands were on her hips and my face was close to hers so I kissed her back. "I see that I don't have an option, being the good host that I am." We kissed again just before Mum and Nat came into the room.

"I hope you two have been behaving yourselves." Nat said with a smirk on her face.

"He's been the perfect gentleman. He's promised to show me around tomorrow."

"He has, has he? How long will we have to wait before we send out the search party?" The two of them are as thick as thieves, I'd better watch myself. Fortunately for me the normal routine set in and I busied myself preparing for the next day. While I might be showing Karen the ropes there was still work to be done. I had to check the bores on the property and replace any parts that weren't working properly and then there kilometres of boundary fences to patrol looking for damage that would allow stock to wander. While kangaroos might look cute to some people and are a source of concern among environmentalists, they can cause damage to fences by blundering in to them at speed which can snap even the strongest wire and uproot fence posts.

I came in for dinner and then had a shower and telling all and sundry that I had to get up early, I went to bed. I was almost asleep when Karen tapped on my door and let herself in without waiting for my response. "What time will I have to get up in the morning?" She sat on the edge of my bed, close enough to be able to reach over and brush a few wayward strands of hair from my eyes.

"I don't know about you but I'm getting out at six."

"Shove over." She lifted the bedclothes and climbed in, pausing for a few seconds to take in the fact that I slept naked. "I'm afraid that I can't trust alarm clocks to wake me that early so I'm going to have to sleep with you so that you can wake me." She was wriggling around under the bed clothes but it wasn't until her hand emerged with clothes that I realised that she too was now naked."

"I hate to be the one to tell you this but I fully intend to sleep, not play footsies with some oversexed, albeit very attractive woman." I rolled over so that I faced away from her, so she snuggled up to my back and her arm wrapped itself around my body, thankfully around my waist and not lower down.

"You don't have to worry about me, I'm not about to rape you and I know that you're going to be busy and that you don't really want me tagging along so if you would rather I stayed behind I will."

"I said that I'd show around and I will."

"Good and if it's any consolation, I'm pretty handy with tools, my father was a plumber and I have been known to help him on occasions, so goodnight you hunk." She kissed my back and tightened her grip on me.

Karen woke first and when I surfaced she was well on the way to seducing me. I'm not complaining, in fact I had been looking forward to it for some time. Her hand had been on my cock and it was awake before the rest of me. "Wake up sleepy head, he's been ready for action for ages. You must have been dreaming because when I woke he was already awake, I just kept him on the boil until you woke up." Her head disappeared under the sheet and her hot, moist, sensuous mouth made sure that he wasn't about to go back to sleep any time soon.

"Wipe that smirk off your face, I know what you two have been up to." Mum glanced up from the pan that sizzled with bacon and eggs.

"Whatever do you mean?"

"I noticed that Karen hadn't slept in her bed and then I heard the distinctive sounds of fornication coming from your room when I walked past. All I can say is it's about time you got laid son, I've had to put up with you wandering around with that hang dog expression of yours for years."

"I detect a conspiracy here, are you all ganging up to get me hitched?"

"Someone had to do it, anyone would think that the only thing you're interested in is this farm."

"I did promise Dad that I'd look after it, and you."

"Yes, and I promised him that I'd see that you had a future in this place and when I'm gone there's nothing left but you and the animals and I won't be responsible for what would happen if you were left alone with a couple of hundred ewes."

"Mum!" I was shocked that she'd say such a thing, let alone think it.

"Don't worry Mrs Nelson, there's no chance of that happening, not now that he's got a taste of the future."

"What is it with you women, do you think that you can run my life for me?"

"You'd better believe it." Mum was quick to reply.

"Believe what?" A bleary eyed Nat came into the kitchen.

"These women are telling me how the rest of my life is going to be."

"And why shouldn't they, you had no idea what's going to happen, you needed a cattle prodding from an organised person," she looked at Karen with that conspiratorial look that I was getting used to seeing, "Karen is one of the most organised people I know, you won't find better, and she's also very good in bed, or so I hear, but then you've already found that out."

"Bloody hell! I might as well leave you to your plotting, I'm going to feed the dog before we head out." I left them to it and went outside. I whistled and Ralph came racing out from his bed in the tractor shed, tail going at a hundred miles an hour. He skidded to a stop in front of me and sat waiting for me to put his food down, but even when the bowl was placed in front of him he didn't start to eat until I'd given him the 'okay'.

"Very impressive." Karen had come out of the house and was standing next to me. Ralph had finished his food and walked over to Karen demanding a pat. I give up. "Breakfast is ready." She grabbed my hand and led me back into the kitchen. Breakfast wasn't the normal subdued occasion, it was as if the presence of Nat and Karen had given Mum a new interest in life, they laughed about everything, even Nat's disastrous marriage. I was only half listening but I did pick up that Karen had a few disasters of her own with men who promised much but delivered little.

Breakfast over I stood. "If you're coming Karen you'd better get a wriggle on, we don't have all day."

"Yes boss, I just need to slip into something a little more appropriate for the occasion, I'll only be a minute." So I waited, fully expecting her to be at least ten minutes. You can imagine my shock when little more than a minute later she emerged. How anyone could wear utilitarian clothes and still look sexy was beyond me, but she did. She did a quick pirouette for my benefit then followed me out back. A quick whistle and Ralph jumped into the tray of the ancient Land Cruiser tray top ute and we were off.

The track was dead straight for a kilometre before we crossed the cattle grid into the wide open spaces. It was a further ten kilometres to the first of the artesian bores that I had to service. Now was the right time because with the abundance of surface water it didn't matter if the bore was out of action for half the day.

As we drove Karen commented, "Look at all the rabbits, there must be hundreds and hundreds of them. Most of them have this unusual, almost apricot colour, why is that?"

"It helps them to blend in with the colour of the sand hills. They burrow under them, it's easier for them to dig in rather than down. Whenever we get a lot of rain they breed like . . . rabbits, and if it wasn't for the snakes, wedge-tailed eagles and dingos we'd be permanently overrun by them. We almost got rid of them when the calesi virus was 'accidently' released a few years ago. Did you hear the story about mother rabbit and father rabbit returning to their burrow after an afternoon of munching on the greenery and finding that Joe Blake (snake) had helped himself to the kids. Father rabbit says to mother rabbit, 'we'll just have to make some more kids'. So they did and some time later, with a new batch of kids safely tucked away in the burrow they went out to munch on the greenery again. When they got back they found that a snake had got the kids again, so father rabbit again suggested they make some more kids. 'Fuck off.' She says to him, 'I'm not going to let you fuck me just to feed the snakes.'." Karen had the greatest laugh.

The bore fed a trough for the sheep and cattle and anything else that wanted a drink, the odd hundred kangaroos and emus, birds by the thousands, none of which were in sight. I pulled up next to the bore head. "What do you have to do?" Karen asked.

"I have to strip the pipe that runs from here to the trough and try to get the mineral deposits out of it and the fittings. This water is very high in mineral salts and they solidify in the pipes, especially the fittings, and if it isn't cleaned on a regular basis it will eventually get blocked."

"What about the ball valve in the trough, I know a thing or two about them, if you'd like I'll strip it down and clean it up and probably replace the washers."

"Good, all the tools are on the back of the ute and there's a box with different sized washers, some Teflon tape for the joints, so you should have everything that you need."

I had the bore valve closed and was stripping the fittings from it and cleaning them when I heard her scream. "Pete! Help, come quick!" I ran to her side. "There was a snake, it bit me!"

"Calm down, is it still around here?" She pointed and I caught sight of it as it slithered into the Spinifex scrub. "Don't worry, it's not the most venomous snake around here, that honour goes to the inland taipan, it has arguably the most toxic venom of any land based snake in the world. Yours was a brown snake, we call them sand hill brown snakes because they are of a lighter colour than normal, not as toxic but they're aggressive bastards, you've only got to step near them and they'll attack. More people are bitten by them than the taipans" While I was talking I had grabbed the first aid kit from the ute and took out two rolls of seventy-five millimetre wide elastic bandage. I began at the bite site and wound it around her leg up to her the top of her thigh and back down again twice. "Now I want you to climb into the ute and stay as calm as possible."

She followed my instructions and we were soon heading back to the homestead. I grabbed the two way radio and called ahead, Mum answered. "Mum, Karen has been bitten by a brown snake, I'm heading home, could you grab a phial of antivenin from the fridge and meet us on the way, and can you get Nat to get on the radio to the Flying Doctors and let them know that we have a snake bight patient, get her to tell them that I've placed a constricting bandage on the limb and that we're administering antivenin and will advise of her condition when we get back. Warn them that they may be required."

I could see Mum approaching at speed and pulled over as she approached. She jumped out and ran over to me. I grabbed the phial and jabbed the syringe into it and drew out the life-saving antivenin and injected it into Karen. "How do you feel?"

"Not good, it hurts like fuck, sorry, but I'm scared, please, I don't want to lose you."

"Don't worry, I won't let you die." I hoped that I sounded confident enough. I was heading back to the homestead with Mum not far behind, I never knew she could drive that fast. As I ran inside Nat was still on radio to the Flying Doctor. "He's here now." She handed me the radio.

"I've administered the antivenin but she's showing early affects of the bite."

"I think we should attend, a plane will dispatched from Broken Hill and should be with you in about half an hour."

"We do have a minor problem, our airstrip has been under water for several days and we can't guarantee its safety, there is a stretch of road close to the homestead that should be okay, I'll check and advise, if its serviceable I'll set up a smoke flair at one end to give you an idea of wind direction and speed."

I called them fifteen minutes later to advise them that the road was serviceable and I prepared for their arrival. The ute with Karen stretched out in the tray was standing beside the road as the plane touched down. The Doctor and Nurse were quickly out and checking her over. "She is showing some signs of a reaction to the bite, we'll need to get her to the hospital so we can keep an eye on her for a few days until she's over it."