Into the Fire

"Shane. You have to stop hovering. I'm fine."

"I'm not hovering. I just like hangin' out with you."

Three days after the shower incident and things between Shane and I were awkward. When he wasn't asking me if I was okay every five minutes, he was following me from room to room like I was on a suicide watch. I knew he was concerned, and just wanted to help, but he was irking the hell out of me.

"Yes, you are. Surely you have better things to do than sitting there, staring at me." I tried sneaking off to the guest room to paint while he was watching SportsCenter. Now here he was, lying on the bed. "I like starin' at you. You're pretty."

"Thank you. Now get out."

"Woman, stop trying to kick me out of my own house."

I set the brush down and turned towards him, trying in vain to hide my annoyance. "I appreciate that you just want to make sure I'm okay, but you're

smothering

me. Can't you just act normal?"

"I am actin' normal."

"Oh yeah? Is that why we haven't had sex in three days?"

He started picking at the blanket beneath him. "Maybe I just haven't been in the mood. The other night scared the hell out of me."

"Okay. Maybe I should just go back New Haven today."

His eyes shot to my face. "Tess, you don't have to do that."

The truth was, I just wanted to fall apart in privacy. My body and mind were full of tension, but I had to keep it together so he wouldn't have yet another reason to worry. I was exhausted trying to pretend I was okay. "Really, I should go. I have a lot of things to get done before classes start anyway."

His expression changed from concerned to irritated. "Don't do that. Don't give me that 'I have things to do' bullshit. If you want to leave, just say so."

"I don't

want

to leave, but I can't have you on top of me all the time! You can't watch me every second of the day, eventually you're going to have to believe me when I say I'm fine."

"But you're not fine!" he yelled. I took a step back instinctively. "You think I don't see you?

I see you

. You're fidgeting constantly. You're still not sleeping, and I have to threaten to tie you down and spoon feed you to get you to eat. You're complainin' about us not having sex but I can't get within an inch of you without you pulling away. You're not

fine

. So maybe I am hovering, but only because you're actin' like you're going to have a nervous breakdown any minute. And if you are, I don't want you to go through that alone."

I shook my head as I walked out of the room. "I can't do this. I just can't." I sprinted down the stairs and searched frantically for my car keys. Shane followed a few seconds later. "Tess, wait." I started pulling up cushions and tossing books on the floor, desperate to find them. "Stop! Will you just stop for a second?" I jerked my arm away when he tried to touch me. "Tess!"

"Stop yelling at me!" I paused my destruction to scream at him. "You think this is helping and it's not!"

"Then tell me what would!"

I spotted my keys on the breakfast bar and rounded the couch to get to them. "I need to get out of this house."

"Sweetheart, you're scaring me. Just let me come with you."

"No!" I whirled around when I reached the front door. "You think you know what's going on and you don't! You don't know anything about me! Two months of living together doesn't mean you know how my brain works. You don't know what I need. You don't get it. I'm sorry...I need to get out of here." I flung the door open, not bothering to close it as I ran down the steps. I jumped in my car, turned the ignition and backed out of the driveway so fast the tires kicked up dust. I drove about a quarter of a mile until I got to the end of his road. I sat there idling, hands shaking and heart pounding so hard I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I burst into tears, partly because of our fight, but mostly because

I

was scared. Scared of myself.

The door opened, Shane leaning over my lap to put the car in park. He spoke in a calm whisper. "Hey, I'll take you to your apartment, okay? I'll call Sam and see if he'll come get your car. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want. Just let me drive you, so I know you're safe." I nodded through my hiccups, my face messy with tears. I swung my legs out, taking his hand to help me stand. He was parked right behind me, having followed me the moment I drove off from the house; I got in the passenger seat and drew my legs up, hugging them tightly with my head resting on my knees. I muttered my address when he got in the truck, and those were the last words I said during the drive to New Haven.

***

Shane walked me into my apartment and tossed the keys in the catch-all next to the door. I walked in, still in a daze. I grabbed my favorite blanket from the couch and dragged it down the hallway to my bedroom. I climbed into the middle of the California King, which took up most of the room, and threw the blanket over my entire body as I curled into a ball. Having been in this state before, this was my favorite spot to shut out the world. I didn't even bother taking my shoes off.

I heard Shane shuffle quietly into the room. "Are you okay? I mean, I know you're not, but...are you gonna be okay alone?"

I sniffled, feeling awful about yelling at him earlier when he was being so nice. "Yeah. I'm...I'll call you, okay?" He said nothing else, I heard him walk back down the hall, followed by the sound of my front door closing.

It's done. He's gone. Great job pushing him away. Mom was right. You

are

nothing.

I sank deep into the weight of my depression and buckled up for the long descent.

***

I peeked at the clock from under my blanket. I felt the warm rays from the sun heat the room, so I knew it was daytime. I just wasn't sure which day it was. The only time I left the bed was to pee and drink water. I was starving, and extra-strength funky. I threw the blanket to the floor and unfurled my stiff limbs. My body was sore, but otherwise I felt okay. Not perfect, but at least the catatonic phase was over.

After taking a scorching hot shower, I threw a white tee and a clean pair of underpants and headed toward the kitchen to eat. Of course, I hadn't been there in two months, but after rooting threw the cabinets I found a fresh box of Wheat Thins. I hopped up on the counter to chow down, mentally writing a shopping list when the door opened.

"Hi. You're awake."

Shane walked in, holding bags of groceries. "Hi. You're...here. With food, nonetheless.

"You've been out for almost four days." He grabbed the crackers out of my hand and replaced it with an apple, then started unpacking the food. "I figured you'd be hungry when you woke up."

"You've been here the whole time?"

"Not the whole time, I do have a job to go to." He handed me a plain paper bag and a bottle of water, then went back to unpacking food. "What's this?"

"The anti-depressants you're supposed to be on. Along with your Ativan, which you need to take now."

My eyes went as wide as saucers. "How did you..."

"Well, it's a funny story," he started as he slammed the cabinet door closed. "Your dad called your cell to confirm our dinner reservations, and he and I got to talkin'. He helpfully informed me that, not only have you been having these episodes since you were ten, but that you're supposed to be taking those pills. He also told me you have a habit of stopping cold turkey, which makes you erratic, and sometimes ends up with you in the ER. So, if I had to guess, I'd assume you stopped taking them right around the time of your accident. Am I right?"

I started gnawing on my thumbnail. "You're mad."

"Mad doesn't even begin to fuckin' cover it, darlin'." I opened my mouth to explain something,

anything

.

"Don't. Don't you even try to insult my intelligence by saying you were planning on telling me, or it's not a big deal, or whatever bullshit you were about to spew forth to save your ass. I cannot

believe

you didn't tell me. You had me thinkin' I did something wrong, that I

broke

you somehow, when the reality is you're an irresponsible child who refuses to take care of herself! And the worst part? I wouldn't have cared that you were sick, I would have fallen for you regardless. But you didn't trust me enough to give me the chance." He tossed a balled up shopping bag onto the counter. "I just came to make sure you had food, and see if you were awake. Since you are, I'm gonna go." He turned around to leave.

"Please don't go."

He looked over his shoulder, opening the door. "Why not? It's what you're always expecting me to do anyway." The door shut softly as I sat there watching it, hoping he would come back, knowing he wasn't. I wanted to run after him, but the fact that he left so quietly indicated that he was well beyond pissed. I took the Ativan out of the bag, popping two in my mouth and swallowing them dry. I started to make my way back to the center of my bed, mourning the death of our relationship.

***

"Wait, are you sure he broke up with you?"

Sydney and I were sitting on my living room floor, stuffing welcome packets for the new pledge class. It had been almost two weeks since I'd heard from Shane, so I assumed we were done. I was in a funk, but thanks to taking my anti-depressants again I was otherwise pretty numb. "Well, he yelled at me, stormed out and hasn't called. If that's not dumping someone I don't know what is."

She handed me a stack of papers. "Maybe he's just waiting for you to call him. Why don't you go see him? Classes don't start for two days."

"I don't think so. I really messed up. He was right, I have been acting like a child. It's probably better this way, he deserves a girl who isn't a complete self-centered bitch."

Sydney's phone rang next to her. "Ah ha, speak of the devil. You want to talk to him?"

I busied myself, organizing the folders. "He called you, not me." She rolled her eyes and picked up. "Hey, Big Red. Good, you? Yeah, she seems to be doing okay...I mean, she's not passing out in the street so I assume she's eating and sleeping at least a little. Is she taking her pills?" She gave me an inquisitive look, so I nodded. "Yeah, she's taking them. You could just call her yourself if you want to know...uh huh. Okay. I will...Jesus, I said I will! Okay. Bye." She hung up and went back to sorting papers.

"...so?"

"So what?"

"So what did he say?"

"I thought you didn't care."

I sighed heavily, which made her chuckle at my annoyance. "He asked me to make sure you're taking your pills, and that I should take you to that new boring-as-hell French Revolution film, because you mentioned weeks ago that you wanted to see it. Also I should make sure you have everything you need for class, and to tell him how much everything is so he can pay for it. You're right, that totally sounds like a guy who broke up with you."

I set down the folders and rubbed my eyes. "I hate this."

She reached for my hand and squeezed it tightly. "I know, hon. I get why you didn't tell him. That's a pretty heavy thing to drop on someone you just met. But...I don't know. He seems like he's in it for the long haul. He may be angry, but he still wants you to be okay. Trust me on that. He's been calling every. Single. Day."

My face lifted. "He has?"

"Yes, and it's fucking annoying, so can you please go make up with him?"

I shook my head. "I was a major asshole, I would have no idea where to start."

"Feed him and fuck him. Boys are easy like that."

***

The drive to North Haven that afternoon was surreal, just a couple of weeks ago I was trying to tear out of here as fast as I could. I stopped by the grocery store, picking up what I needed to make chicken pot pie, which is his favorite meal. Sydney also convinced me to wear some of the lingerie I bought, a white lace teddy underneath my jersey dress that kept rubbing against my slit every time I moved. The horniness combined with nerves made my palms sweaty, making it harder to not be anxious of how he would receive my visit.

I pulled into his driveway, noticing a black sports car parked next to his truck. I assumed it was one of his buddies from the station, so I parked behind his truck, not wanting to block them in. I grabbed the bag of food and made my way to the front door. Just as I was about to open it, I heard arguing through an open window.

"Chastity, you have to leave. Now."

Chastity?

My hand stopped on the doorknob.

"Oh come on baby, I can make you feel so much better than she ever could." I felt bile rising to my throat, the thought of her with Shane making me want to vomit.

"Chas, for the last time, I don't want you. You have to get that through your head. Now put your shirt on and go."

"I don't understand why you're so into that fat black girl. She's not even here anymore, why are you so hung up on her? How is she different than any of the other girls you've fucked around with?"

"She's different because I want to marry her!" I removed my hand from the knob as if it were on fire. "Look, I really need you to understand this. This isn't a game. This isn't me playing hard to get. I

love

her, okay? I'm in love with her. She's it for me. So this is done. Now get the fuck out of my house before I call the cops and get a restraining order."

I chose that moment to head inside. Shane turned toward me and looked like he saw a ghost. He was leaning his hands on the back of the couch, shirtless. Chastity, also shirtless, stood across from him, giving me a smirk. "Well well, look who it is."

Shane held a hand out defensively. "Tess, this is

not

what it looks like."

My eyes shifted between the two of them, not knowing who to respond to. I could go defend him, not that he needed it. I could go kill Chastity, but prison didn't sound very fun. I locked eyes with Shane. "I'm going to the kitchen to start dinner. You handle...this." I walked past them, placing the bag on the counter and pulling things out, keeping my head down, actively ignoring them. I heard some murmuring for a few minutes, then the front door slammed. Shane appeared about half a second later, standing across from me while I was chopping vegetables. "Tess, I swear to God that wasn't what you think it was.

"Okay." I turned to the stove, adding carrots and celery to the chicken stock. I turned back around and grabbed the dough.

"She was here when I got home from the gym, naked on the couch. I've been tryin' for the last twenty minutes to get rid of her."

"Okay. Do you have a rolling pin? Never mind, I'll do it by hand." I used my knuckles to stretch it instead.

"...you're being really calm. It's freakin' me out a little."

"That's the wonders of Wellbutrin for you." I started pressing the dough into the pan, taking a moment to look up to him. "Look, if you say nothing happened, then nothing happened. I know you're not a liar. So go take a shower so I can finish cooking."

"Tess..."

"Seriously.

Go.

It's fine."

He wavered for a moment before heading upstairs to wash himself. I finished my prep work and put the pies in the oven, then spent the next thirty minutes standing next to the stove, lost in my muddled thoughts.

Okay. Rational thinking time. He didn't have sex with her, we believe him on that. He still loves you, which is relieving. He apparently wants to marry you, which is...well, scary. And insane. But maybe Syd was right, he's in it for the long haul. You should really start seeing a therapist again. He's the best, and it's time for you to be the best too. Stop being so childish and get your shit together before you lose him.

"Hey. You okay?"

His voice startled me, tucking my thoughts away for the time being. "Yeah. Sorry. Just zoning out, I guess." He stood with a towel around his waist on the opposite side of the island, not encroaching on my territory. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my...about me. And I'm really sorry I exploded on you. I was being stupid. I'm going to do better."

He took a small step toward me, as if he were still feeling me out. "I just want to help. I'm a fixer, I fix things, it's what I do. So when you shut me out, it's frustrating. I want you to trust me enough to know that you can tell me anything and I'm not going to judge you. I don't mind taking care of you, I

want

to take care of you, but you have to take care of yourself too."

I leaned my behind against the sink and closed my eyes. "Okay. Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to stay on my meds, for now. I will find a new psychiatrist, because I don't want to be on them forever. I really hate the way that I feel on them, which I why I stop taking them." I started shifting nervously. "I didn't not tell you about this because I don't trust you. I trust you. This is something I've never told

anyone

. And everything between us went so fast...I didn't want to ruin it. And there is also a part of me that doesn't want to be so dependent on you. I love that you're a fixer, but this isn't something you can fix. You can't be around me twenty four hours a day. You have to give me a little breathing room."

He closed the distance between us, not touching, but close. "So...everything between us is hunky dory?"

"For the most part."

He tentatively reached up to touch my cheek. "I don't want to fight anymore."

"Maybe we're just one of those couples who fight a lot. But I'd rather yell at you than have a perfect relationship with anyone else."

"Aww. That was cheesy."

I punched him in the arm, laughing when he pretended it hurt. He gathered me in his arms and held me tightly. "Violent woman. Let's go do some make-up fucking."

I pushed him away, groaning at the loss of contact. "It's make up

sex

, you weirdo, and you're going to have to wait until dinner's done." I turned the oven light on and bent down to see how it was baking. He ran a hand up my backside, tenderly palming a cheek.

"Man, I missed your fine behind...wait a minute." He lifted my dress up to my waist. "Wait just a goddamn minute." He made me straighten and raise my arms so he could remove the dress completely. "You...fuck. Do you know how fuckin' beautiful you are?" He ran his hand along the pattern of the lace, down my torso until he reached what he was looking for. A low, guttural noise escaped from my throat as he pushed his finger against me. "And you're soakin' wet to boot. Is that for me, sweetheart?" I stroked his chin and nodded. He leaned over and turned off the stove.

"Shane! What the hell...it's almost done!"

"And it'll still be almost done when I'm done with

you

. Fuck dinner. Comin' in here tryin' to distract me with food when you're dressed like this."

He hauled me over his shoulder and started carrying me upstairs. I started wiggling, trying to get him to put me down, but all that got me was a hard smack on the ass. "Keep still. You owe me two weeks of sex and I'm comin' to collect!" He tossed me on the bed, and I shrieked when he pounced on top of me. His eyes shone with a loving glow. "All jokin' aside? I missed you, and I'm glad you're feeling better. You are feeling better, yeah?"

"I'm getting there. I'd like to thank you for being the world's best boyfriend by sucking your cock. Please?"

"I love that you're so polite." He stood and let the towel drop to the floor. "On your knees, sweetheart. Hands behind your back."

I slid off the bed and dropped in front of him, holding my wrists behind me. He held his cock in his hand, tilting it so it brushed against me, coating my lips with his pre-cum. "Open." He parted my lips with the head, grabbed the sides of my head and slowly started to fuck my mouth. Only slipping halfway, I encouraged him I could take more by sucking hard around his shaft.