I Feel Ridiculous

"I feel ridiculous."

"You are."

He said it in jest. I know... but right now of all times?

"Honestly now isn't the best time for jokes, dontcha think?"

"Sorry sorry. I think... I'm getting pretty nervous here myself."

Gosh, how did I get in this situation... I was just cooking. I had decided a few days ago that a big pot of chili and rice would be our mid-week meal. Such a mundane plan. For a mundane day.

Everything was so normal. PG even. But while I was cooking, I got to thinking. Over-thinking. Ruminating. My thoughts circling. And somehow, the mundane became less so.

Man... where do I even start? Okay, so... he and I... we are... madly in love? Tied by the red string of fate? Dating? Idontreallyknow... I mean I do. He's mine, I have never felt this way about anyone, ever. But what the hell does that mean. How does that translate to the real world outside of my rapidly spiraling brain.

Oh right! The solution to any good overthinking session is to start comparing aspects of your body, your life, your love, to whatever manufactured images you see online. Until you compare literally everything to some fictious image of someone else's relationship plastered on social media.

Surely, he sees how I can't even come close to them. Sees just how inadequate I am. I am sure he can see through the imposter I wear on the outside. If he hasn't, he's foolish. He'll leave me when he sees the truth. Any day now, the mask will slip...

Ugh... stop it... this is tired and tiring.

Right so, the situation I'm in now. Well... I was cooking... and then I had a thought come to mind AND fly right out my mouth. Great.

"You think we'll ever have sex?"

Okay... okay... listen I know that's a weird question for a 'normal' couple. But in my case, I was waiting until marriage. No penetration. Abstinence... I guess. Not for a religious reason... well not anymore. It's just how I was raised, and I found merit in it.

My theory: when you give your body, you give a piece of your soul. That's a pretty precious thing to give. Might as well make sure you're committed to the person you're giving it too. And that they are committed to you. So, waiting it out for that lifelong bond just made sense to me.

I don't beat around the bush about this. Second date, I told him what was up. It's my way of taking away any expectations for sex. And also, to give him an early out if that was something he wanted. But no, after I explained my logic, he agreed with the sentiment. He had been intimate before. But he said he really resonated with the soul aspect of what I felt and assured me that there would never be any pressure from him to do anything I did not want to do.

So yeah... despite it being my boundary AND having his reassurance, I have the nerve to be insecure about it. An admittedly foolish nightmare about getting to our wedding night, taking off the dress, and him being disgusted by what was under it, me, sometimes plays in my mind. Insecurity is a bitch.

"I do. When we get married. Sooner... if you'd like a test drive."

He winked playfully at first and smiled softly when he said that last part. He wants me. Never doubted that. But it's comforting to know.

"It's not just my looks you know. I might not be... *good*... at it. At sex."

He chuckled at this. A full smile, the kind that hides his eyes.

"Anything you need to know, Ill teach you. And likewise, I'm going to be learning a lot about you when that time comes. We're going to have a fun time. I know it."

He was confident and relaxed. Not in a way that ignored my feelings. He never brushed me aside even when my spiraling led to absurd anxieties. In a way, that made me feel like there wasn't really a way to fail this. This relationship. Or even our first time. His confidence in us made me feel like whatever it was, we would figure it out. Together. Or have fun trying.

And then he said...

"How about we get naked."

...uhm... "Why?"

"I think you would feel a lot more relaxed if you saw my reaction to you. Like... just... you."

Damn, my brain short circuited. This suggestion was just so unexpected...

"Uhm... really?"

"Yeah, I'll do it with you. We'll both be naked so... it'll be fair. Share in the experience. Something new, together."

=====

End - Part 1