Beep, Beep, Beep.
My alarm rang. I looked across and switched it off, seeing it was 6:40am. Why was my alarm going off this early for a Saturday? I lay there in bed, dozing.
I began to realise that a song kept running through my head. What was that song? There was a particular passage though that kept going through my head.
'And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
and you may ask yourself
well...How did I get here?'
It was the old Talking Heads song 'Once in a Lifetime'. I smirked to myself. Yes I did have all of these things.
In my dreamy state I began thinking.
How did I get here?
******************************
It all started on a warm summer's Sunday at the beginning of December many years ago. I was sitting on my sofa, in my 'bachelor pad' watching sport on TV, drinking a cold beer. I looked at the beer in my hand and gave an audible sigh.
My 'bachelor pad' was a small two bedroom apartment in a Northern Beaches suburb of Sydney. I had been living here for about 14 months, since I had separated from my now ex-wife. Our divorce had been finalised for a while and I was here, existing, not living.
Our marriage had lasted 6 years before we divorced. We were still civil to each other, but we would not be reconciling. We had met after University, when I had returned from overseas. It was the classical love story. We felt were perfect for each other and loved each other deeply. Life however had other ideas. Once all the excitement of dating, marriage, and starting a family together had waned, we both realised we were no longer in love. It had started to build for a while, but this feeling became greater all the time. We began to resent anything the other person did, and started to argue.
This went on for months, before we both realised we didn't want to hate each other anymore. I moved out to my 'new' apartment and she kept the house. Our divorce settlement was as amicable as it could be. We just needed to be apart.
The only thing that kept us in contact at all was our beautiful daughter Emily. Emily was then 4 and I had her for 5 weekends out of every 6. It was my highlight of each week and I loved having her with me. She did understand about the divorce and she still loved me and loved coming to see me. I adored having her with me.
Finishing off my beer, I don't know why, but I began to mentally take stock of my life. I was 33 years old (34 in March), 5'9" tall with dark hair and not quite as fit as I once was. I enjoyed my career, working for a Sporting Goods and Clothing company in their Sales and Product Management departments. As I had played sport, I worked with our sponsored athletes, as well as working with the retail outlets of our products.
I looked out of the window and could see it was now late in the afternoon. I put my empty bottle in the rubbish. I opened the fridge, reaching for another beer, when I noticed a photo of Emily and me looking back at me on the fridge door. She was grinning like mad and I was making a goofy face. This made me smile, seeing my beautiful daughter. I took the photo off the fridge and sat down at the dinner table and looked at it, looked at me. Where had 'I' gone, the old me? The happy, positive person I used to be.
For the first time I started to think about my marriage in a logical way. I thought about it without blaming my ex, or without guilt gripping me about what more I could have done. Thinking right back through my life I realised that I had always been a positive person. I tried my best at everything I did, and even if it didn't work I was happy I had given it my all.
Searching my emotions I began to realise that my marriage was the first thing I felt I had ever failed at. Slowly I came to realise that I had given our relationship my best effort, and that there was nothing more I could have done. I came to this conclusion as I thought about when I was playing sport. While I had not gone on to any great heights in my professional sporting career, I still thought of it as a success. You make plenty of mistakes playing sport, but you dust yourself off and try again. That was it. I had to get out of this funk I was in. It was time to dust myself off and live again.
I grabbed a pen and my work diary and stared to make notes of what I wanted to do to get 'me' back. As I sat there I listed a dozen things I wanted to do, and ways to achieve what I wanted. Once I had completed my list I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was genuinely feeling optimistic for the first time in a long while. I was pleased with myself for doing this.
**********
Over the next couple of weeks I began to work on myself, to turn myself back into the person I wanted to be. Not just for me, but for Emily, so she would always be proud of me and glad to see me. I joined a gym, to get back to the fitness I wanted. I bought a few new pieces of furniture for my apartment. I had somehow always thought that my residence would be temporary, but now I decided to make it my home. I even updated my wardrobe for the first time in years. I was tired of looking older than I was.
Christmas rolled around and while it had been tough the previous year, not being able to share Christmas morning with Emily, I was determined to make the most of it this year. I really enjoyed time with Emily and with my family, even being more positive in my dealings with my ex. My family especially noticed my changed outlook and they were really pleased and happy for me. I was removing more of the 'funk' every day.
I used the Christmas break to catch up with old friends that I hadn't spoken to in a long time. I had become a bit withdrawn since the divorce was finalised, but reconnecting with them was great. Slowly I began to feel like more of my old self, and was beginning to enjoy life again.
I worked through my list one by one, getting each one underway properly before moving onto the next item. Moving to the next note on my list was going to be a little tougher. 'Find a girlfriend'. Since the separation and divorce I hadn't rushed back out into the dating scene. My heart was still a bit scarred from my previous 'love' experience and I wasn't going to get hurt again. I did have a couple of fix-up dates from friends not long after the divorce was finalised, but nothing worth talking about. I just wasn't ready. I decided I would take my time with this one. I moved this note a bit lower on my list of priorities. I still didn't feel ready to do this yet.
Once back at work, the regular patterns of life began again. My favourite day of the week was always Friday. I picked up Emily from Kindergarten every Friday afternoon for our weekends together.
At kindergarten Emily would always race across the playground to see me as I arrived. It was always the happiest moment of my week. She would start talking non-stop, telling me all her news. I just loved seeing her again.
I always made sure I spoke to her teacher at the kindergarten. 'Miss Kate' had been her teacher the previous year and continued with the class into their last year before school. Kate always greeted me with a smile and we chatted together every time I picked Emily up. Usually it was just about how Emily was doing, but we did branch out into other topics.
During our conversations I found out that Kate Taylor was 24, recently engaged to her high school sweetheart and had moved in with him and loved teaching in kindergarten. Kate was 5'4" tall, long blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes framed with glasses and a wonderful smile. I could best describe Kate as curvy, bubbly and friendly. Emily thought Miss Kate was lovely and really loved going to pre-school.
Life continued on. It was now the beginning of April and I went to pick up Emily. Kate wasn't there and strangely I felt disappointed not seeing her. But it wasn't unusual for her not to be there, as she may have worked the early morning shift, or just had the day off.
The following week she wasn't there either. Some of the other parents spoke of something bad happening to Kate and that she would be away for a while. I asked the manager and she confirmed that Kate was off work for an extended period of time, but would be back. Of course she didn't say exactly why Kate was away.
My life was getting busier and I was enjoying myself a lot more. My fitness was coming back and I felt better in myself. I had become the focus of attention of a few single mothers at the kindergarten, who saw me as 'fresh meat' as the newest available single dad at the kindy. I had plenty of conversations with the mothers and even had a couple dates. One of these dates turned into a 'sleepover' which surprised me greatly. I hadn't been with anybody but my ex for 11 years and it was fun.
I did realise after the 'sleepover' that I didn't have any real emotional connection with her, or with the other women I had dated, and I missed that greatly. The sex was good, but it could have been a lot better. I decided to change the way I was dating. I decided to try and find a woman I had a real connection with. What I wanted was a girlfriend, not just a 'roll in the hay'.
By mid-year, as my lease was up, I moved to a better apartment. My new apartment was close to the beach, and really turned this into my home. Emily had her room fully decked out the way she liked it. I was feeling like my old self again and was loving life.
It was now July. I was picking up Emily for our weekend when I was pleasantly surprised to see Kate back at the kindergarten. She looked a little different from when I last saw her. Her previously long blonde hair was shorter and she looked a little 'curvier' than before. Her eyes which used to sparkle when she spoke seemed to have lost their gleam a little. I also noticed that the engagement ring she had previously worn was no longer there.
Not knowing what had happened, and not wanting to pry, I spoke with her as I normally would have. Kate told me all about Emily's day, and Emily gave her a big hug as we were leaving. As we went to leave I turned to Kate and quietly said "It is great to see you back Kate."
Kate smiled at me replying "Thank you Dan."
The next week when I picked Emily up I brought a small posy of flowers with me, for Emily to give to Kate. Seeing her back at the kindergarten was great, but Kate did still look a little sad. I don't know why, but I wanted to see her smile again.
I wrote on the card 'We hope these brighten your day. Emily was so pleased to see you back. Emily and Dan Matthews.'
Emily came over to me when I arrived and I gave her the flowers to give to Kate. Emily raced to Kate and gave her the flowers.
"These are from my dad and me." She said as she handed Kate the flowers.
I approached as Kate read the card. Kate's beautiful smile returned to her face and she turned and gave Emily a big hug, thanking her for the flowers. She then turned to me and did the same, giving me a hug. I held her in my arms for a few brief seconds, before we pulled apart.
"Thank you so much Dan. The flowers are beautiful."
"Our pleasure Kate. We are both glad to see you back."
