"Are you really sure about this? It's a hell of a responsibility."
"No, I'm not sure, but it's done now and there's no going back."
"Yes there is; you could always..."
"He's my son, Mary: I've let him down once and I have no intention of doing it again."
"You didn't let him down, Helen. You didn't know... how could you have known?"
"I wasn't there. I wasn't there with him. I couldn't protect him."
"Now that's just ridiculous. How could you have been there? You didn't know this was going to happen."
"But I should have. I should have listened to him. I should never have driven him away."
"Stop it. Stop it right now. This was NOT your fault. You did what you felt you had to do; what you thought was right."
"But I didn't." Helen turned to meet her friend's eyes, which were dark with concern. "I didn't do what I thought was right. I let Robert do what HE thought was right. He's never liked Ryden. There's always been bad feeling between them and I knew at the time that he wasn't thinking of Ryden; only of himself. I should have stood up for him. I should never have sent him out there alone."
"Helen... you can't... What happened was not your fault. It was an accident: pure and simple. It was just an accident."
"Was it? I'm not so sure about that."
"What do you mean? Surely you can't think that..."
"Why not? Look at him, Mary. The doctors have no explanation for why he is as he is. He's not in a coma any more. He's responsive; he's even conscious sometimes. He's aware, knows who we are; where he is but he just won't wake up. The best explanation they can give is that it's psychological. He doesn't want to come back to us... why? If it was just an accident then why...?"
"You don't think he... that he...?"
"No! No; not that. Ryden's... he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't take his own life. When he left he was angry; really angry but... he wasn't desperate or depressed. He was determined to ... to show us that he could be make it on his own. He wouldn't have..."
"Then what? Do you think that someone else... that someone pushed him?"
"I don't know."
"But who...? Who would do something like that? Ryden's a popular boy. He's got lots of friends and okay that makes enemies too but there's no one who would go as far as that. That's... that's a huge thing, Helen-- to push someone over a cliff. That's..."
"I know. I know. It just... it doesn't feel right. Ryden's been walking that path since he was ten years old. Why now? Why would he fall now?"
"I can't give you answers, Mary. I can't give you anything."
Helen smiled warmly. "You give me an ear, Mary; you give me a shoulder to cry on. That's... so much."
"Still... I come back to my first question; are you really sure about this? He need so much care."
"The nurses at the hospital have been wonderful. They've shown me what I need to do and the district nurse is coming round twice a day to help get him up, and settle him down for the night. I know it isn't going to be easy; I never expected it to be easy but this is... The doctors have tried everything, and they think maybe being here in familiar surroundings, with people coming and going and his friends back and forth... That's why we've brought his bed downstairs."
"That's another thing.. Shouldn't you have a hospital bed at least? And what about all the equipment. Surely there should me—more. He looks so vulnerable."
"They wouldn't have sent him home if they weren't sure he'd be okay. Physically, he's as stable as he's going to be. I wouldn't know how to use the equipment if I had it. I can barely manage the IV and the catheter. It's a struggle sometimes to get him to drink those energy shakes they gave me, but that's the worst... well... apart from seeing him like this."
She turned and tenderly brushed strands of bright golden hair out of her son's face. He sighed and his lips twitched as long pale lashes fluttered and lifted over startling blue eyes. For a moment he mirrored his mother's smile and then, with another sigh the lashes lowered and he drifted away again. Helen stroked his cheek and turned away, with tears in his eyes.
"Nothing is too much, Mary. He's my son. If this doesn't work... I don't want him to go to a long term care facility. They're terrible places. It's where they put people to exist until they die. I can't... I just can't let that happen."
Mary pulled her friend into her arms. "Oh Helen I'm so sorry; I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. You don't deserve this. None of you deserve this."
For a moment Helen rested her head on her friend's shoulder, then she pushed away and drew herself up. "Life's not fair. We just have to make the best we can of it. I'm determined to do this; to make a difference for him. Everyone's been wonderful. Once he's settled in, his friends are going to come round to visit. We're going to play his music; put his favourite DVD's on. Something has to get through to him. Something..."
"I'll help you in any way I can; you know that."
"Yes, I know."
"What about Luke?"
"What?" Mary wondered why her friend looked so startled. "What about him?"
"He's Ryden's best friend isn't he? And he hasn't been to visit; not since the very beginning. Are you going to be able to persuade him to come here?"
Helen let her head drop. "I don't know. I don't know what he's thinking, why he's stayed away. Maybe he couldn't cope. Maybe..."
"It's alright, Helen," she said slowly and carefully. "You don't have to put up defences with me. If you can't trust your best friend, then who?"
Helen raised her head and looked into her friend's eyes. All she saw was concern and sympathy. "You know?"
"A lot longer than you have."
"But... how?"
"They needed a safe place to go; somewhere they could be themselves. Cory supplied it. No one ever told me; not officially, but I knew and they all knew I knew."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"It wasn't my place, Helen. They hadn't told me and, for whatever reason, they didn't feel they could tell you so I didn't think it was right for me to do it either."
Helen nodded slowly, relief creeping through her like a soothing balm. At least now she had someone to talk to.
"Do you think anyone else knows?"
"Possibly. Not from me or Cory, that's for sure. There may be others Ry and Luke trusted, but I don't know."
Slowly Helen nodded then glanced at her son. "If only he'd told me sooner. Before Robert..."
"You didn't throw him out did you?" Mary asked, her voice sharper than she had intended
"No, of course not. I think Robert might have but it's not his choice, not his house. He's more concerned about his image than anything else— that and the fact he's always hated Ry. And don't try to say he hasn't..."
"I'm not going to say that, Helen."
She nodded and continued. "There was a huge row. Things were said, terrible things— by everyone. He... he said that if we didn't accept him for who and what he is then he didn't want to live with us anymore. He stormed out and Robert wouldn't let me go after him. He said it'd do us all good to have time to settle down. At the time, I agreed with him."
"He was heading for Luke's I presume."
"It looks like it. If only I'd been less judgemental: if I hadn't been so quick to side with Robert..."
"This world is full of 'if only's', Helen. None of them are productive. There's no point in raking over the past. You have to look to the future... make it the best you can."
"What do you think Mary? Do you think it's going to work? Do you think he's going to get better?"
Mary looked down at her best friend's son. She'd known Ryden all his life. He was the same age as her son, Cory, and they'd always been friends. The three of them had been inseparable since the day they met. The three musketeers: Cory, Ryden and Luke. She knew every inch of his face, his smile, his brightness. He looked like an angel; his pretty face relaxed in sleep and his golden hair curling slightly around his shoulders. A faint smile tugged at the corners of his lips and his eyelids were fluttering as he dreamed. She wondered what he was dreaming about.
Lifting her eyes to her friend, Mary shrugged. "Who knows? I really hope so."
***
After three days Helen was searching desperately for signs of improvement. Maybe he was conscious for a little longer; maybe there was a little more colour in his cheeks; maybe he was a little stronger. Maybe...
"It's early days, Helen. You shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself."
With a sigh, she looked up and smiled. Sam, the district nurse was a friend; well, an acquaintance. They'd been school friends, but had drifted apart, like people do.
