CHAPTER 1
It was truly love at first sight. I didn't know her name. I hadn't heard her voice. I hadn't even seen her face.
But there walking into the supermarket was the arse of my dreams! No, better than my dreams. Just absolute feminine perfection in reality on an hourglass figure.
She was wearing a white knitted dress in a sort of lace effect, below knee length, with a small side slit. Very modest, really, but clinging close. As she walked her arse swayed from side to side, and I could see each cheek moving up and down in a heavenly dance.
I glanced down and was astonished. The reason women wear high heels is to make their bums move in a way men find enticing. This glorious creature was managing it with flat sandals!
Trying to appear casual, but not to lose a second of the show I followed her in. Not too close, keeping her whole body in my view, but as if I knew exactly where I was going, and it just happened to be the same way.
Disaster! It was into the women's clothes section, with nothing I could reasonably be looking for. I hesitated, and she went round an aisle into the lingerie, so I went back to get a trolley, and started slowly shopping, but keeping close to, and watching, the checkouts.
Too late, I spotted her by the customer service desk, where you can pay for single items. A moment later, she was out. All I knew about her was blonde wavy hair, an hourglass body and a heavenly arse.
I abandoned my trolley and went outside, but she was nowhere to be seen. It's a big car park. Perhaps her husband had been waiting while she went in, so they were away immediately.
It was months later at the supermarket. I'd got a trolley with a wobbly wheel, so took it back, and it was reluctant to release the pound coin. I'd just got a fresh one, when I saw her again. A different dress, some sort of print that didn't show her quite so well, but still the same beautiful backside. She was just picking up a hand basket by the door. I hurried after her, catching up by the fruit aisle.
I don't know how I had the courage. I had never done anything like this before. Just going up to a strange woman.
"Excuse me, you don't know me, but..."
She turned.
Her face wasn't symmetrical. One eye was lower than the other, and her mouth was over to one side. I tried not to show my surprise, but failed.
"My name's Troy," I continued, with what I hoped was a smile.
She laughed bitterly.
"That's funny, my name's Helen. The face that sunk a thousand ships. Ho ho ho."
"Who put you up to this?" she added sharply, with a scowl.
"Was it Dermot and Sammy? Or that bitch Fiona?"
I was surprised again.
"I don't know what you mean. My cousin Sammy's only seven. I don't know a Dermot, except for a teacher we had. And my mum's the only Fiona I know, and she's not a bitch."
"Sorry," she said, looking less angry.
"Was that Dermot the one with the silly ginger moustache?"
"Yes, and he used to stand with his hands behind him when he was telling you off."
She smiled, and her face looked a lot better.
"Yeah, that's him. Were we in class together?"
"I don't think so,"
I realised what I'd said as she scowled again.
"Yeah, you'd remember all right. Okay, what did you want?"
It took me a second to recall what I had rehearsed in my daydreams of seeing her again. I dropped it.
"I've seen you about, and just wondered if you'd like a coffee, sometime. That is, if...er..."
I smiled weakly. She frowned.
"If there's no-one else. Surprise, surprise! I haven't got a boyfriend."
"Coffee?" I said, plaintively.
She actually laughed. Just a tiny bit, but a laugh. She put a packet of apples back on the shelf.
"OK, let's go upstairs."
She turned towards the stairs, and deposited her basket by a till. I put my empty trolley to one side.
"Don't you want your pound back?" she asked.
I wasn't going to risk losing sight of her.
"No, some poor person can have it."
She shrugged, and started up the stairs to the cafΓ©.
I followed, with an enormous effort of will not putting my hand on a tempting cheek.
"Get anything you want," I said, and she grunted "Moneybags" but just got a coffee.
As we sat down, I asked "What was that about sinking ships?"
"Helen of Troy," she added, seeing my puzzled expression. I still didn't understand.
"That's why I thought some joker thought it would be funny to get a man named Troy to ask me out."
"The Greek myth. She was the most beautiful woman in the world. A man named Paris took her away to the city of Troy, and the Greeks started a war to get her back. They had to sail there, so she was said to be the face that launched a thousand ships."
"Mine is the face that sank a thousand ships."
"Oh, I get it," I said, and immediately wished I hadn't, and wiped the grin from my face. She smiled a bit at my discomfort, then looked grim.
"An ugly face and a fat arse."
We looked at each other in silence.
"You've got a lovely bum," I said.
"Fuck off," she replied, but not loudly, and stood up, hesitated, and sat down again.
"Did you mean it? About my bum? I thought it was ugly as well," she whispered.
"It's too fat."
"You've got a beautiful bum," I whispered back.
"The best I've ever seen," I added.
She looked confused.
"And a sexy walk, and you look much better when you smile."
There was a momentary smile, then she scowled again.
"Do you do this often?" she said, accusingly.
"What?" I asked, genuinely puzzled.