Healing A Broken Heart Ch 01

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To those whose hearts are broken.

There was a light knock on my office door frame.

I looked up to see Sam. I knew her full name was Samantha, but everyone knew her as Sam.

"Sam, come on in and have a seat. How are you and what can I do for you?"

Sam and I are both civil engineers, on the engineering staff of the State Department of Transportation (DOT). We design roads and everything related, like exits and onramps, and signs and lighting. Sam came here about a year ago, and I have only worked with her on one project, her first one.

"I'm doing well, Jake. Thank you. I have a couple of things on my mind. First, I wanted to thank you for your help and patience on my first project. I may have thanked you then, but over time I've come to value your advice even more. So, thanks for that."

"Of course, Sam. I remember my first month here, seven years ago. I felt useless on my first project!"

"I can relate! ... There's also something else, but this is personal."

"Ok, personal is fine."

She took a deep breath. Probably to calm her nerves.

"I was introduced to you on my first day. You probably don't remember ... "

"I remember. I noticed you."

"Well, to be blunt, I thought you were incredibly handsome. You weren't wearing a ring, so I hoped you might notice me and ask me out. ..."

"Sam ... I ..."

"Just wait, Jake. The more I watched you the more I realized there was a sadness about you. A deep sadness. I saw it especially when you were quiet, listening to others. An hour ago, I finally asked someone about it, and I learned what happened four years ago.

"Oh, Jake! I went and had a good cry before coming in here, and now I'm crying again!"

She was wiping away tears, so I offered her a box of Kleenex, and she took one.

I reached for one as well.

"Sam, I"ll put the box between us. I think we'll both need it."

"Anyway, I'm sorry to come in here crying like this, but I wanted to express my sympathy, late as it is."

"Thanks. That's sweet of you. I'm sorry I haven't asked you out. I've thought about it several times, because I noticed you as well. Each time I've talked myself out of it, because I'm still carrying that sorrow. You don't need that."

"Jake, I need to tell you about my mother. She and my father were both 22 years old, and fresh out of college when they married. About a year later, a month before I was born, my father was killed by a drunk driver.

"My mother struggled for three years. She was a young single mother, and the love of her life had been taken from her. Of course, I didn't know anything about that; she told me years later.

"One day, a man offered to help her in the grocery store. He had watched her struggling with me, because I was throwing a monster tantrum, and Mom was crying. For years I thought that man, Russell Rhodes, was my father, because he raised me.

"After helping her that day, he asked her out to dinner and offered to pay for a babysitter. He didn't know she had a lot of money from the wrongful death claim, but she let him do it because he was so sweet. They fell in love. They're still in love, 21 years later, and have had three children together.

"I grew up in the most wonderful, loving home. Dad--Russell--adopted me so I wouldn't have a different last name. I owe him a lot for the way his love healed my mother's heart."

I was wiping away tears.

"Jake, I wanted a drink of whiskey before coming to see you, to get my courage up. I came to ask you to go to dinner with me."

I sat there, wondering whether this was a good idea.

"Sam, I've worked hard the last four years to close myself off and work on my recovery...."

"But ... "

"Let me talk, Sam. Please. ... It's not working for me. You and I know how to reduce questions to numbers to reach a decision. I can't do that with my heart. I can't analyze a set of numbers to find out why my heart still aches. It's not an issue waiting to be solved by an engineer.

"As you were talking about your mother, I realized I need help. My heart can't heal in a vacuum.

"I've tried counseling. Maybe I wasn't ready, but your mother healed not because of counseling but because her heart loved again."

"Wow, you said that in a short sentence, after I probably used 10 sentences."

"Seven times as much experience on the job."

Sam was laughing. "And yet you admitted I helped you see something."

"Point taken. Are you sure about going out with me? I'm still broken. My heart still aches for my wife and our son. I still get nightmares, hearing the crash, seeing my wife."

"I'm sure, because of Russell and my mother."

I paused, looking into her eyes.

"Ok, where are we going?"

"That's wonderful, Jake! Would you prefer dressy or casual?"

"Either one. What's your preference?

"How about casual? Do you have any food allergies or foods you hate?"

"I can only eat food I like. Fortunately, I like it all."

"Sushi or barbecue?"

"Tough choice! Sushi."

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I walked into the restaurant two nights later and saw Sam there. It's always strange seeing co-workers out of the context of the office. I realized how cute she was. She was wearing a sundress that showed off her legs and curves wonderfully.

She kissed me on the cheek.

"I'm so happy you agreed to have dinner with me, Jake."

"I realized it's overdue, both going out with you and going out in general. Part of recovery, I guess."

We each ordered a sushi roll and agreed to share.

"I hope you don't find this question intrusive, but you mentioned you had tried counseling. Tell me about that experience."

"I tried a little. I found it too painful and quit. I wasn't ready to talk about the accident. Parts of what happened are still so painful to think about. There are parts I've never told anyone."

"I can't imagine. Can you tell me what you went through---I mean, your injuries?"

"I ... I wonder if this is the place for that."

"You're right, Jake. Not the place. It'll be too emotional for you and probably for me to talk about that here. Can I ask you instead about a project I'm working on? I could use your advice."

"Fire away!"

That led to a fun discussion about the merits of different interchange designs. The difficult reality is no two interchanges are the same, because they take into account the number of roads to connect and the available space. It was a fun discussion, probably unlike any other two people on a date in the city that night!

As we were about to stand and walk out, I realized I needed to say something.

"Sam, thank you for asking me out. I really mean that. Would you go to dinner with me Saturday night? I was thinking of my favorite high-end chophouse. Their steaks are fabulous ... do you eat steak?"

"I love steak! Yeah, let's do it. That's a dressy place, isn't it?

"Is that alright?"

"Perfect. Will you be wearing a suit?"

"Definitely."

As I drove home, I was reflecting on the accident. The surprising thing to me was this: I was willing to talk to Sam about it. Right place, though.

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Saturday night I picked Samantha up at her house. Dressed as we were, Samantha seemed a more appropriate name.

She was wearing a beautiful black dress. Delightfully lowcut and ending several inches above her knees. She was clearly more beautiful than I had previously noticed.

"That dress is stunning. Not many women can wear that, but it's perfect on you!"

Samantha blushed a little.

"Thanks, Jake. I love your dark suit. You are exceptionally handsome tonight. Is Jake short for Jacob?"

"It is, but I've always gone by Jake."

"Would you mind if sometimes I call you Jacob?"

"Only you. No one else gets to. Well, my mother, too, but her use of it usually meant I was in trouble!"

We had a fun date that night. The steaks were wonderful--I noticed she likes her steak medium-rare as well.

"Do you ever grill steaks, Jacob?"

"A lot. I have a favorite dry rub, and I usually use a digital temperature probe to nail the doneness."

"I'm impressed. I hope you'll invite me and cook for me sometime."

I liked the subtle way she let me know she wanted to keep seeing me! That's how I felt, too.

As we finished eating, I put my hand on Samantha's.

"Samantha, on our first date you started to ask me about the accident. I want to tell you, but could you come to my house tomorrow so we can talk privately? I know I'll cry, so be prepared."

"I'm certain I'll cry, too. Thanks for inviting me. I want to understand."

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Sam arrived at my house around noon. I gave her the tour, including the pool in back.

"Do you like to swim?"

"I was on my high school swim team. I love the pool. That's another way you can successfully coax me over here!"

"Do you require coaxing?"

"Not in the slightest."

She kissed my cheek.

We sat on the sofa. Neither of us spoke.

"Jake, you don't have to do this unless you want to."

"I need to."

I took a deep breath, then got up to find a box of Kleenex.

"Good thought," said Sam.

I dove in.

"We were only a mile from home and snow had just started falling. It was really coming down, the way snowstorms often start. My wife, Amy, and our son, Avery, were in the car with me. We always put Avery's car seat on the right side in back, because it's easier for the driver to see him.

"A service truck from the cable company was coming down a street--down a steep hill--on our right. The driver lost control on ice and slid down the hill at high speed. It hit the right side ... right on Amy's door."

I had to stop. This is where it got too hard. I was crying. So was Sam.

We sat there for a few minutes. I tried to continue.

"It all happened so quickly; I had no chance to react. I think Amy was already dead, because the truck hit where she was."

I was going through a lot of Kleenex!

The impact flipped my car over onto its roof, but it also caused the car to rotate, exposing the passenger side to oncoming traffic. This isn't something I remember, just what the investigators pieced together."

I stopped. I was crying hard now. I was at the worst part.

"I didn't see that car, but I was told later it hit Avery."

Sam put her arms around me. She was crying, too. It was several minutes before I could continue."

"I usually just tell people my wife and my son died."

"Did you know they were dead?"

"I could only see Amy. There was so much blood ... I knew she was dead."

"What about Avery?"

"With the roof collapsed, I couldn't see him, but I also couldn't hear him."

"How did you get out of the car?"

"Both legs were broken, and one knee and one ankle were messed up, I had cuts on my head and a concussion. My head was bleeding a lot. They had to use those jaws to cut away the car, but first they had to lift the car about a foot."

"You were conscious?"

"Mostly, until they started to pull me out. I think I passed out from the pain. I woke up the next afternoon in the hospital. I had been sedated, and most of my body was covered in bandages. My parents were there. They had been there all night. Amy's parents arrived a few minutes later."

"Did you know yet?"

"No. I asked ... then I noticed her parents were both sobbing. So was Mom."

"Your father told you?"

"Yeah. He said they were both gone."

That's when I cried uncontrollably. Sam stood up and pulled me to my feet.

"Come on. Come lie down on your bed and rest. Is it alright if I lie next to you and put my arms around you?"

I nodded.

It was a little over an hour later when I opened my eyes. I felt Sam's arms and turned to look into her eyes. They were bloodshot. Still some tears.

"Jake, how long were you in the hospital?"

"About three months. I missed the funeral--it was for both of them. Dad had someone make a video of it, but I haven't had the courage to watch it."

"That's so sad!"

"They offered to stream it live, but I said no."

"I can understand that! Did you need surgery?"

"One on each leg, my left knee, and a comparatively minor surgery on my right ankle to re-attach a ligament. Otherwise, it was a lot of cuts and bruises. My concussion resolved itself."

"Was there a lawsuit?"

"Yeah, I hated to see the other driver get dragged into such a mess. It turned out he was running late and his supervisor called him four minutes before the accident to yell at him and tell him to 'get moving.'

"It was a hands-free call, of course, but when that was played to the jury, the company settled. The irony was that the company recorded all calls like that, and had the integrity not to destroy it, but turned it over to my attorney. I signed a non-disclosure, of course. I also got a death benefit on Amy's life insurance. We had bought it before we decided to have a baby. It was for $1 million."

"How long were you off work?"

"About six months, then I worked for 25-30 hours a week for three months, because of all the rehab."

"How are you doing physically?"

"Pretty well. A tiny limp in my left leg. Most people don't notice it. Some great scars, though!"

"Oh, Jake! I'm so sorry!"

"The scars?"

I managed to laugh when I said that.

Sam stared at me and laughed as well.

"It's remarkable you can find reasons to laugh. That seems remarkably healthy. What happened to the other driver?"

"Minor injuries. After the lawsuit was settled, he showed up on my doorstep. He wanted to see how I was doing and apologize. I told him there was nothing to apologize for. It happened. He seemed like a good guy. We talked for about an hour. He was going to a trade school to become an electrician. I wished him well."

"You're a good man, Jake."

"Hating him wouldn't bring Amy and Avery back. Even an engineer can solve that equation."

She kissed me on the cheek again.

"Tell me about Amy."

"I was 24 and she was 21 when we married."

"Is this photo by your bed from your wedding?"

"Yeah."

"She was beautiful, but you were also young and handsome."

"As opposed to now?"

"That's not how I meant that!"

We were both laughing.

"How did you meet?"

"In a ballroom dance class."

"No kidding?"

"For real. She was far better than I. I only took the class to meet cute girls. Mission accomplished!"

"Have you tried dancing since your recovery?"

"No."

"Would you dance with me sometime?"

"I might be willing to put on some music here and try it first. ... Do you wanna try it now?"

"If you're up to it. I'd love to, but I don't know anything about ballroom dancing."

"That's ok, I was total shit."

We went out to the living room, where I had hardwood flooring. I found a playlist of slow dance music and linked it to Bluetooth speakers. She came into my arms, and we danced, at first awkwardly and too far apart. Later, I was holding her tightly. Her head was against my shoulder and my hand was on her back.

At the end of one of the songs, Sam looked up, and when our eyes met, we kissed.

A new song started. We ignored it. It was a long and tender kiss. When it ended, we just stood there for a minute or so.

"That makes three firsts for me tonight. First time telling someone the whole story. First time, kissing someone other than Amy--at least in 7 years, and the first time kissing you."

"What about our first dance?"

"How did I forget that. It was probably your kiss that made me forget!"

She kissed me again. This time our tongues became friends.

"Jake, could you take me to visit the cemetery--are Amy and Avery buried together?"

"They are. Do you want to go now?"

"Yes, but can we stop at the store? I'd like to buy flowers."

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Sam sat by the graves and arranged the flowers in the recessed cup next to each headstone. I kept a watering can in the trunk of the car, so Sam took it to a nearby faucet and filled it. Then we sat together, my arm around her.

"Mom says she thinks of my real dad every day, even though she is madly in love with Russell. You're probably the same about thinking of Amy. That would be natural."

I just nodded.

"I often imagine what Avery and I would do on a Saturday now."

Sam started crying. I wasn't far behind. That forced a long pause in our talk.

"Do you want to have children again?"

"Absolutely. I want at least one daughter and one son. I hope it doesn't take six of one to get the first of the other!"

"Jake, I hope you aren't offended by this, but I think it's remarkably healthy of you to find such wonderful humor even in talking about the worst moments of your life."

"Being with you ... I don't know how to say it. Being with you makes smiling easier."

"I'm glad. Where did you and Amy go on your honeymoon?"

"We spent a week in a little cabin on the Oregon Coast. My parents had friends who offered it to us at no cost. That was exactly how much we could afford!"

Sam laughed.

"Besides, you only needed the bed."

"Pretty much. We were out of control that week. Amy wanted to wait until we were married. I wanted to marry her, so I agreed!"

"So you too were like a couple of corks, ready to explode."

"Have you ever been married, Sam?"

"No. I turned a guy down. I was engaged to another, for three days, until he backed out!"

"Well, that's better than at the altar."

"I guess I'm like you. It hurts to talk about, but I can joke a little now."

"How old are you?"

"I'm 24. I think you're 31, right?"

"Did you calculate that, or did you know?"

"Calculated, for the most part. I came down to 30 or 31, so I guessed."

"You guessed the older one!"

"Let's focus on the fact that I guessed correctly."

I kissed her again.

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Sam left to drive to her home. As she was backing down the driveway, I realized I didn't know when I would see her again. I was unhappy about that. A week earlier, she wasn't part of my life, at least not in a meaningful way.

Now, I ... I ... what? I looked forward to seeing her again? That much was certainly true.

Did I want her in my life? To what extent?

A couple of hours later, I drove to a local supermarket and bought a large bouquet of flowers. I drove to Sam's home, parked around the corner, and placed the flowers on her front porch. Then it was the ring and dash routine loved by teenagers--and apparently by 31 year-old men feeling somewhat smitten by a woman.

Before I drove very far, my phone pinged. I pulled over to look at it.

Thank you, Jake, for the beautiful flowers. You brighten up my day every time I see you!

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Later that night, I called Sam.

"I'm glad you liked the flowers."

"I love them! My only complaint is you didn't stay and kiss me."

"So noted. Maybe I can redeem myself. Would you come here Wednesday night so I can cook dinner for you?"

"I'd like that. Can I bring anything?"

"Just your beautiful face."

"And my lips?"

"Please. How about 6 pm?

"I'll be there, Jake. Thank you."

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I soon regretted not having picked Tuesday, because I wanted to see her sooner. I decided to walk down to her office and see whether her door was open. It was.

I tapped on the doorframe and Sam looked up. An instant smile. She stood and came toward the door, inviting me inside. She closed the door, turned and kissed me.

"I thought I should come and apologize for not staying around to kiss you. I worried you might not want me to kiss you here, but I guess I was wrong."

Sam was laughing as she opened the door and thanked me--somewhat loudly--for coming by to answer her question.