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I tend to scoff at those who claim that they find love on the Internet. How can they possibly know whom it is that they are talking to? Then again, there is that freedom in knowing that you won't have to look at them as you tell them your secrets. Knowing that no matter what, even if they are freaked out by your tales, you don't have to see them. Then again, until I met him, I never knew how I could feel.

I met him today. He and I have been talking for what seems like forever. We met in the usual, modern way, on the Internet. I turned him down actually, the first time that we spoke. I wasn't looking for married men. Against my ethics. Never say never, as I have now learned. A week or two after that first, brief contact, I found his name, floating in my buddy list, but I couldn't remember who he was. Side effect of the lifestyle, I suppose. Just to clear things up, I contacted him, to see what was the what. He automatically replied with 'you are the one who didn't want married guys'. Oh yeah.

I was bored, so I still kept talking to him. As the hours, and then days went by, we found that we had much in common. Food, books, movies, whitewater-rafting, was there anything that we didn't click on?

We kept remarking on the intensity of the connection that we were beginning to form. Should we let this go any farther? I couldn't resist him. We began exchanging phone calls, me at home, he at work. We shared our emotions freely, no longer afraid of that invisible wall that computers represent. Then we began to talk of meeting. The wheres, and whens began swirling around, now the center of our conversation.

I wanted him. His voice was so sexy, smoky, and sweet. I had seen him a few times on his web cam, aren't we so advanced? I knew that he was about my height, a little taller, perhaps. He had salt and pepper hair, young for that though. He smiled so easily during our conversations. Even if we were on the phone I could hear the grin through the connection.

All that led to today. We had been planning, scheming, and basically been selfish. I was so desperate to see him at this point, I would have done anything to do so. We came up with the idea that he would come on his lunch, and drive the trip to my place. All well and good.

I stripped the tee and shorts that I had worn to bed off, and threw them in a pile. I stepped in the shower, and cranked up the hot water. I stepped under the spray, and let the warmth rush over my head, shoulders, and back. The whole time I was thinking how good it would feel if it were hands on me instead of the water. I poured shampoo in the the palm of my hand, and massaged it in to my hair. I was moaning by now, just thinking of him. I knew that my time was short, and that he would be here soon.

I jumped out and dried off, still thinking how good his touch would feel on my clean, sweet smelling skin. I wrapped the towel around myself, and sat on my bed. I applied my makeup with a light hand, keeping things as natural as possible. I got dressed, just jeans and a long sleeved shirt.

As soon as I came down the stairs, I heard a car, his, pull in the drive. My heart started beating so fast, I thought I would pass out right there and then. I walked to the door, just as he knocked. I reached out a shaking hand and answered the door. He was ducking slightly to avoid the rain. He was absolutely what I remembered. He even surpassed all of my fantasies.

He stepped in and looked in to my eyes. We reached for each other at the same time. His strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me close to his heart. This man is going to be the downfall of me. I lay my head in the crook of his shoulder, listening to his breathing. I think I may love him. Not a safe thought in the mind of a married woman. I looked up in to his clear blue eyes, and sighed. His mouth slowly cam closer to my lips. I had been thinking about kissing all day long. Our lips met, only briefly, nearly chaste. We pulled away, both realizing what a fine line we walked. Could we just have sex, and not fall in completely?

He slid one hand over my hair and down my back. He wove his fingers down through mine. He felt right there, next to me. I led him by our interlocked fingers to my couch and sat down. I patted the seat next to me. He sat down, a reasonable distance away. I wanted to straddle his lap,and dive in to his mouth with mine. No, I sat there, all sweet, and behaved myself.

I still held his hand in mine. All we did was stare at each other, and laugh. My thumb stroked over his palm, kissing is surface like I wanted to be kissing him. I knew we had very little time together this day. I was dying to make the best of it. We sat there, only talking. He was so easy to talk to, like I had known him forever. Had I? Maybe in a past life we were some great pair of lovers. Antony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet. I wish I known then that just as those fabled lovers, we too were doomed.

He looked down at his watch after what seemed all at once to be an incredibly short time, and what seemed to stretch forever. He got up, and pulled me to him. I slid my hands under his shirt, drawing him as close as possible. I lifted my lips to his once more. We walked to the door, and I reluctantly let him go.

The next day, we talked. It was too intense, all these emotions swirling around in our bodies. Both of us were to tempted by the other to just be lovers. If we were to make love, we would be together irrevocably. Neither of us were in a position to do that. We had lives, families, other people depending on us.

So, we are just friends. At this point, we can't even be alone in public, we just don't trust our emotions. How can I go on with out him? I am going to have to learn. How can I just be his friend? Talk like I never loved him, never wanted to risk my entire well being for him? Am I supposed to just go on, living my life as a lie? Never living in his glow? I am not one of those women who need a man to complete them. None the less, he completed me. I will do it, because he asks me too. I would rather hide my pain, and be friends, then to lose him all together. But I know, that each word he speaks will be in my heart, and engraved on my soul. No matter what, he will be with me. Whether or not he knows.