Happy Tears

Sorry, no sex I this one.

Jesse was humming as she set her baby into the car seat. I wasn't the mother or the grandmother, I had been Jesse's daycare provider when she was not much older than her baby. Her mother and I were best friends growing up and when she asked me to watch Jesse I couldn't say no. I was a stay at home mom with my two boys anyway. Jesse became the daughter I always wanted although over the last 18 months I had no clue what was going on in her head.

Jesse was still humming as she buckled herself in my car. She had that odd little smile on her face that she wore frequently these days. But her eyes told a different story. Jesse was way to young to have the crow's feet that seemed to grow more prominent every day.

"Jesse, you seem cheerful this morning, what's up," I asked.

"I get to see my Jack today," she said.

"Maybe Jesse, there is no requirement for him to attend the final divorce proceeding."

"I know, but this may be my last chance."

We dropped the baby off at my daughter-in-law's on the way to the courthouse. Jesse wanted to bring her little girl to court with her. It took me days to convince her that bringing her lover's baby to divorce court was like slapping Jack, her soon to be ex-husband, in the face.

"But I want him to see my beautiful girl," she argued back.

Jesse's mom and I were thrilled the first time she brought Jack home to meet her family. We immediately fell in love with Jack, and it was clear he worshipped the ground Jesse walked on. There's a time when every parent can look at their child's life and realize they didn't have to worry that much about that child anymore. I may not have been Jesse's mother, but I felt that way throughout those first ten years.

Sometimes I wondered what broke inside her to throw everything away. She had the beautiful McMansion, her husband was a well-respected accountant, and she was a successful nurse. Jesse and Jack had been married for ten years and their mother's and I had been anticipating grandbabies.

But then something broke. Jack caught Jesse cheating with her high school boyfriend. Denny was a loser. There's no other way to describe him. Jesse's mother and I were horrified when she brought him home. It was just a phase we thought in the beginning. The next summer we noticed the bruises and threatened to have him arrested if she didn't break it off. A few weeks later I saw Denny knock her to the ground and start punching her in my backyard. I had Denny arrested and he was sentenced to six months in jail.

We never understood how quickly Jack found out that Jesse was cheating on him.

We never understood how quickly they reconciled when Jack took her back. That's when this odd little smile appeared on Jesse's face along with that little tune she hummed.

It was only two months later that Jack caught her cheating with Denny again. Jack threw her out and Jesse moved back in with her parents. Jack filed for divorce. Jesse's lawyer, paid for by her parents, managed to get court ordered counseling. Jesse's mom and I were shocked when Jesse asked us to help move her stuff back to her house with Jack.

This time the reconciliation only lasted a month. Somehow Jack learned that Jesse never ended her relationship with Denny and was still seeing him even while she and Jack were going through counseling.

And then the baby bump appeared. Jack always insisted that the baby wasn't his.

Jesse's parents refused to allow her to move back in with them again, which is how Jesse ended up on my doorstep with that odd little smile on her face along with that little tune she hummed. She wore that smile throughout her day but at night I would hear her crying in her bed.

Denny took one look at the baby bump and disappeared. He was killed in a bar fight a month later.

Jack filed for divorce again and this time there would be no counseling. Jack was insisting on a DNA test on the baby and Jesse refused. They were spending a fortune on lawyers. Most of Jesse's were paid by her father but Jack had to sell the house to cover his lawyer. Little by little, all the assets they accumulated during their marriage were sold to finance the divorce. The BMW's were gone, replaced by used Hondas. Jack move into a small one bedroom apartment.

I was Jesse's partner during childbirth. Jesse had a real smile on her face when she held her baby for the first time, but no one came to see her in the hospital besides me. Jesse's parents didn't come, none of her friends came if she even still had friends. Of course, Jack didn't come but for some reason, Jesse was sure her Jack would come visit her and the baby. The odd little smile was back along with that little tune she hummed.

Jesse had run out of arguments to stop the DNA test which proved that Jack wasn't the father. Denny was cremated so they could never prove he was the father. The birth certificate had 'unknown' in the space for father's name. She named the baby Jacqueline which quickly became Jacky.

Now two months after the baby's birth, the final act of Jesse's and Jack's marriage was about to begin. Jack did show up and when Jesse and Jack made eye contact, she flashed him her real smile. Jack made no facial expression and resumed his conversation with his lawyer. The proceedings were quick and took place in the judge's chambers as opposed to a court room. Most of the details were worked out by the attorneys. Jack was ordered to pay $1,000 per month for ten years in spousal support but didn't have to pay any support for the baby.

When the judge banged his gravel, Jesse ran over to Jack. She was saying something to him, it was hard to hear with all the commotion. The only words I could make out was 'love you.'

Jack held up his hand and said, "Get the fuck away from me, I never want to see or hear from you again."

Jack turned and walked away; Jesse went to follow but Jack's lawyer stepped in her way. I was almost by her side when she collapsed and was unresponsive when I got there. The EMT's were there quickly, and Jesse was transported to the hospital she worked at. She was still unresponsive when she was admitted.

I informed her parents who were almost as unresponsive as Jesse. I even called Jack who hung up on me.

A nurse came in that I recognized, she had been a frequent visitor at Jack and Jesse's house. Diane did her normal nurse stuff, and I saw a tear in her eye as she looked at Jesse.

"You used to be her friend, what happened," I asked. Diane pulled up a chair and sat next to me.

"We all turned our backs on her or more accurately, she turned her back on us. It wasn't easy, talking to Jesse was like watching a train wreck. She was in complete denial that Jack was going to follow through with the divorce. Every day she would talk about her Jack, and she couldn't wait until Jack took her back and the two of them would raise her baby together. One by one we tried to tell her that Jack wasn't going to take her back again. When we did, she ghosted us. I tried to give her some tough love, telling her that he already took her back twice, which she fucked up and was never going to take her back again. Jesse stopped talking to all of us unless it was purely work related and she started taking her lunch and breaks in her car. Yet, she came to work every day with a smile on her face, along with that little tune she hummed. Her patients loved her and the great man who was her husband. Jesse remained in complete denial."

I was sitting in that same chair when I heard Jesse sobbing. I ran to her and held her in my arms.

"He's gone," were the only words she got out.

She finally calmed down enough to ask how she ended up in the hospital. I started to explain the chain of events that led to her passing out and she started to sob again, mumbling something unintelligible. After a few minutes, she calmed down and asked about her baby. I assured her the baby was fine and that my daughter-in-law had brought the baby to our house so she could sleep in her crib. There was a momentary glimpse of her real smile and then that odd little smile came back.

"Does Jack know I'm in the hospital, do you think he'll come see me?"

It broke my heart to see the hope in her eyes. I wasn't strong enough to tell her the truth.

"I told him Jesse, but you know he's probably working today."

"Yes, I'm sure if he wasn't working, my Jack would come and see me."

Jesse was released that day and returned to work the following day. Occasionally I would run into Diane who told me that Jesse was still telling her patients about how lucky she was to have such a wonderful husband.

And that's how we lived. Jesse held out hope that Jack would come back to her. Whenever we went clothes shopping for Jacky, Jesse always asked, "Do you think Jack would like to see her in this dress on her birthday."

Jacky's birthdays were always small affairs, usually just the three of us and my children. Jesse always sent Jack invitations, along with her parents and Jack's parents. She always insisted we have Jack's favorite cake and beer available. Jesse was that way at all the holidays, sending Jack and the grandparents invitations, having his favorite foods available and making sure that she and Jacky looked beautiful. She sent all of them copies of her school pictures and Jack would receive Jacky's artwork and copies of her report card.

When nobody showed up for Jacky's graduation from preschool, I lost it with Jesse's mom. Jacky was still her granddaughter and the spitting image of Jesse at that age. Jacky was an innocent child and didn't deserve to be treated that way. I told Jesse's mom she was obviously not the person I thought she was.

There was no response.

From that point on, I became Jacky's grandmother, my children and their wives became her aunts and uncles. My grandchildren became her cousins. I was going to do everything possible to give that little girl a normal life.

Jesse continued to cry almost every night, some nights were worse than others and I would go in and hold her until she fell back to sleep. During the day she lived in her dream world, with that little tune she hummed, waiting for her Jack to come back, but she couldn't keep reality away at night.

Jacky was ten when I went to find Jack. He had recently bought a two bedroom condo, so I had his new address. I made sure Jesse had it as I began stalking him. Stalking might not be the right word. He had a pretty set routine, left for work the same time every morning, spent an hour at the gym after work and then went out to eat and then home. Saturdays and Sundays he would go on long bike rides weather permitting. There was never any sign of another woman in his life or any friends.

Jacky was turning 11 and was becoming quite the soccer player. One day I said fuck it and knocked on Jack's door after he came home from work. I wanted to invite him to one of Jacky's games. He didn't say anything, just stepped away from the door and let me in. He did ask me if I would like tea or coffee as he led me into his kitchen. I chose tea and was shocked to see his refrigerator was covered with Jacky's artwork. There wasn't a bare spot and some of the pictures were two or three deep.

He saw me looking at the refrigerator and smiled as he shrug his shoulders.

"What can I help you with Marge, or should I call you grandma," he said laughing.

I had a plan when I knocked on his door, the pictures on the fridge left me speechless.

Finally, I said, "Jacky is a very good soccer player. I want to invite you to one of her games."

I expected a fuck you or other type of blowback, but instead he said, "Come join me in the living room and bring your tea, we may be more comfortable in there. By the way, I've taken up photography as a hobby, bought a good camera and a very good printer."

The refrigerator was a shock, but it did not prepare me for the living room. There were dozens of pictures of Jacky. Behind the couch were three large portraits of Jacky, first taking the soccer ball up the field, then kicking the ball into the goal and finally running back with her arms in the air. There was a picture of Jesse holding Jacky outside the preschool building. I recognized Jacky's dress. It was the day she graduated preschool. I think Jack was at almost every event for Jacky, her school plays, violin concerts, if Jacky had a public event, he was there.

"I always thought Jacky was doing ok, is there anything wrong Marge?"

"Yes and no Jack. She's the sweetest thing on the planet and that pushes me to do everything I can for that girl. I'm tired of people punishing her for the sins of her mother. I lost it one day on Jesse's mom, my best friend for decades and will no longer speak to her. My family are her aunts uncles and cousins but there's no father figure in her life. Why not you?"

There was a subtle change in Jack's posture, but he didn't respond.

"And how is Jesse?"

"If you're asking if she's seeing anyone, the answer is no, and she hasn't since Denny left. You should be able to judge how she is emotionally by the letters she writes you. It's been almost ten years since the divorce was finalized and she still believes you are going to take her back, hoping you'll show up to one of the events she invites you to. She looks for you every time and obviously you've been there. I don't know how you've been able to hide."

"A ball cap and a large camera in front of your face conceals a lot."

I was so focused on the pictures of Jacky that I didn't notice the pictures of Jesse. Most were pictures of Jacky and Jesse together, but there were a few of Jesse by herself.

"Why hide Jack, you are obviously in love with that little girl?"

I excused myself to go to the bathroom but popped my head into Jack's bedroom. There was a copy of his and Jesse's wedding portrait on his bedside table and other pictures of Jesse on the walls or dresser. All of a sudden, I realized he was standing behind me.

"The bathroom was the other way Marge," he said with a smile on his face.

"I'm sorry for prying Jack."

"Don't be Marge. I know your heart is in the right place. I'll be at Jacky's game on Sunday like always and I'll be wearing a white Yankees cap. And Marge, you can let Jesse know I'm there but I'm not ready to talk to her. Fucking 10 years later and I'm still not ready and I do not see any chance or reconciliation. I know that may put you in a difficult spot, I'm sorry."

As I was getting ready to leave, he handed me a bunch of pictures of Jacky, claiming he was running out of wall space."

Jack and I both had tears in our eyes as I hugged him goodbye.

Now the hard part, how do I tell Jesse that Jack will be there, but she has to give him space. There was no way that was going to happen. I shared the pictures with Jesse and Jacky when I got home. For the first time in a decade, I saw a real smile on Jesse's face. After Jacky went to bed, we discussed how to introduce her to Jack. We agreed that honesty would be best.

Jesse changed her dress ten times before we were ready to leave. Jacky knew something was up but put her game face on. We sat in the bleachers waiting for the game to start, Jesse was frantically scanning the sidelines. In hindsight, it was impossible to miss Jack whether he was wearing a white hat or not, he was the guy with the big camera 100% focused on Jacky, basically following her on the sidelines. Twice Jesse got up to join him, but I grabbed her and pulled her back down.

"Don't fuck this up Jesse, up until last week I wouldn't have believed Jack would be here today or at any of the other events he's attended. You can't rush this; let it be about Jacky."

Jesse was still wearing her real smile since I told her that Jack would be here and I'm certain she didn't hear a word I said but she stayed in her seat. After the game, we walked across the field to see Jacky like we always did. We were congratulating Jacky on another well-played game when someone said, "let me get a picture of the three of you together."

It was Jack of course. Jesse was getting ready to charge him, but I grabbed her hand and held her back. We posed for several pictures.

Jacky said, "I know you; you used to be married to my mom."

"Yes I was," said Jack, "and you have become quite the soccer player. I'm very impressed with your skill but especially your vision of the field. You see the whole thing, where their defenses are set up and where they are weak. You can't teach that. Would any of you three ladies mind if I took you out for lunch to celebrate another victory."

Jack took us to a restaurant near his condo. As soon as we sat down, the owner came over to our table.

"Well Jack," he said, "Is this the famous soccer player you keep bragging to us about?"

"Yes she is, she scored two goals today including the winning goal."

"Well, in that case, you can have anything you want young lady, and Jack will be happy to pay for it."

Jack and Jacky dominated the conversation. I always thought Jack would make a great father, he was so at ease with Jacky that all Jesse and I could do was watch. Jesse's face kept shifting between her real smile and then that odd little smile. She barely said anything to Jack. Jack was asking Jacky if she liked the pictures he sent home with me. Jacky said she did.

"I have a lot more at my condo, if you want to come over and take a look, your welcome to anything you like. I can just print another copy."

That Jack was even talking to us was a surprise, I would never have imagined that he would take us out to lunch or invite us back to his condo. Jack was holding Jacky's hand as we headed back to his car.

Jack put the tea kettle on and handed Jacky a pack of yellow stickies. He asked Jacky to put a sticky on any pictures she wanted. We joined her in the living room with our tea, almost every picture in the living room had a yellow sticky on it. We found Jacky sitting on Jack's bed holding the wedding picture.

"Can I have this one too, look how happy my mother is in this picture. She doesn't smile like that anymore. I hear her crying most nights."

"That's the only one like that I have so I'll have to scan it in and then reprint it. I'll bring it to your game next week. Now, let's go back through the living room. It's been a while since I've been in your grandmother's house, but I don't think she has enough wall space to hang this many pictures. I know I said you can have anyone you want, maybe we can limit it to your top ten for now."

Jacky was busy in the living room, pulling yellow stickies off some of the pictures, trying to get down to ten. I was so focused on Jacky that I didn't realize that Jack had placed his hand on Jesse's back until I noticed the tears on her face.

"Don't worry grandma, those are mom's happy tears." And she went back to managing her yellow stickies. "How about twelve Jack?"

Jack loaded the twelve into his car and drove us back to my house after picking up my car at the soccer field. Jack carried the pictures in, and Jacky had to show him her room, her dolls, her toys, trophies and everything else she had. Jacky was hungry again, so I ordered some pizzas. Jacky again dominated the conversation with Jack who promised again and again that he would be at next week's game. When it was time for Jack to leave, Jesse said she would walk him out. Jacky and I rushed to the living room window to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Jack, for ten years I dreamed about being this close to you again, so many plans on what I would say or do and now my mind is completely blank."

"Then don't say anything Jesse, except yes to joining me for dinner Friday night."

"Yes Jack, can you send me the details, so I know what to wear." Before she was done talking she was hugging Jack with her head on his shoulder.

"Don't worry grandma, those are mom's happy tears again. Do you think Jack will remarry my mom and if so, does that make him my dad or my stepdad? If he's my stepdad, do I still call him Jack, or do I call him stepdad or just dad?"