Handicapped Love

If you have read my introduction you may think I only had really bad love experiences but that's not true. This is the story of how I lost virginity. The relationship didn't end well, but I had a nice time, with a really nice guy.

This guy was Björn, and a few years older than me, at that time 34 or 35. I was 27 years old and have had some more or less serious relationships. I met Björn on a dating site. He was funny, could talk endlessly and was very, well I guess serious. After some chats we set a date to meet each other. He lived about an hour driving but knew the city I live in and that there was a nice park. For me it was half an hour wheelchair drive. I remember him suggesting a walk in the park, but turning words to avoid actually saying walking. Something like, well I can have I walk and you... could.... roll? I found that very amusing because normally in chats he was very well spoked. It was a day in September and the weather was terrible, raining and cold. I had to use my full wheelchair cover, and that was not how I wanted to look for a first date. It went well though and while in the park it stopped raining. Björn then helped me to take the cover off.

At that time I still had my old wheelchair in which I sat more upright, in a normal position. My legs were not completely faced forward like now, but more in a 45 degree angle. I weigh about 40 kilo less, but already didn't wear shoes due to my thick ankles and feet. My leg cover was more of a foot bag that came halfway to my calf. I was dressed in my 'Desigual ' skirt I loved, and actually still do although it doesn't fit any more.

In person Björn was a little less well spoked. He was as nervous as me, and somehow that felt comfortable, serious, and he was serious. Still there weren't any awkward silent moments and he just talked like I guess he would talk to any girl. Hesitation was only about getting to know something about me. Our interests were miles apart, mostly due to our physical ability, still Björn was interested in the not so exciting things in my life, and after a while he didn't have any concerns telling me about places and activities he did that were unimaginable for me. That day we even had dinner together: Döner at a parking lot food stand.

The following week we called every day and there was a klick. We would definitely do this again soon. One night Björn called from his car when he was nearby by chance. He didn't suggest coming or meeting, but as we were talking for about an hour, and he sat in his car for so long, I said come by. He didn't come to my room though but we met in the social area of my nursing home. This was a big step for me, an able friend I had feelings for coming into my social bubble. It was not awkward though, mostly because of his easy going attitude. After that evening we talked about where our relationship was, and agreed that we were both serious about it. Looking forward to things we could do together, what restaurant, or cinema was accessible and how we could arrange a wheelchair taxi for a day out.

And so we did go to the zoo in the town he lived in. I went there by myself by the train, that itself was a big thing for me. My parents took me to the station, arranged a wheelchair ramp for in and out, and made sure I was safe for departure. Björn picked me up and was waiting for me and busy with the railway employee who was assigned to help me out. The zoo was and Björn met some people there he knew and somehow, in his town it felt like being in his bubble and it felt good. He was enthusiastic, and had plans as if we could spend a week there.

Actually we didn't see as many animals as we could because we paused a lot and Björn sat down to talk. There were some gentle touches, and even a kiss on the lips. No need to say how excited I was. Björn was great, cautious, friendly and I fell for him. First kiss in a public place, where other people were looking, it was thrilling. Best thing that happened that day was when we went to a restaurant for dinner. From the outside it was just a small restaurant and they were awaiting us. and apparently arranged some tables for me. A ramp was laid out.

Unfortunately this was a very old building and although the front door was accessible for a normal wheelchair... yeah, the horror!... I didn't fit in. My wheelchair was too wide. Bjorn and the owner discussed for a moment the option to lift me out of my chair, but that was immediately nipped in the bud by myself. The good thing though was how Bjorn managed this situation that was embarrassing to me but surely as much for him. Not be ashamed, laughing about the situation but not in a disrespectful way. Not trying to convince me otherwise, just dealing with it. We excused the restaurant owner and went on. Eventually we sat down at a McDonalds, and that was just as fine for me. At the bespoke time Björn accompanied me to the train station. We had a rather nice physical goodbye.

We saw each other more regularly, meaning Björn came more often. Sometimes just for an hour or two. Usually in public places, but Björn did also come into my room. This was a major step for me, my room was my private space and I was not used to sharing it with others other than family or nurses. Still for some more physical and intimate touching, which we both longed obviously had to take place in a more private place. We did things easy and on the forehand I was very insecure, but due to Björns nature I was not nervous at all while taking the next step. Yet the last step was to come, and we were both ready, and longed for it.

It was a Sunday in November as we talked about it. How to prepare, and who would have to know. Obviously the head nurse should know and depending what time and day she would recommend i would not have to tell my family not to come by. They knew and still know everything about me, and me, having a boyfriend and wanting some private time in my room would raise some questions. Luckily it could be on a time and day they didn't come by, unluckily it was 5 days ahead. I could be prepared next friday. Nurse Wilma would take care of me. She did once prepare me before and to her best knowledge i have had intercourse with my previous friend, 2 years earlier but it actually didn't happen back then. It is also possible to spend the night together, but for that an extra bed has to be arranged or sleeping together in the special private room the nursery home is equipped with. I didn't like the thought of that and on saturday mornings my parents always came by.

Wilma did a great job that day. Taking care of me for nearly 2 hours. Giving me a whole wellness feeling. With nice body creams and parfum. Makeup, and hair style. As Björn came I wasn't even ready. Wilma called him and said not to come up but wait in the lobby. Men should always be waiting for a lady, she said to me. I laid in bed with my nicest clothes on and was ready to make the call he could come up. Wilma left the door a little open and then went out so Björn wouldn't see her or any staff in the room or on the floor. He came in with flowers, all nervous and I was too. He turned the awkward situation quickly around with his joyfull behaviour. He lay next to me, on the bed, also fully dressed.

There was a lot to discover about each other's bodies and he took the time, making it a wonderful experience. During the deed itself i felt disabled in a strange way and i still feel it during sex today. Not handicapped the word I prefer, but really not able to do something: disabled. My motionless body is just laying, not even capable of spreading my legs. The way i lay down sleeping, or even today the way is lay in my wheelchair, is also how i have sex. This is what the man has to adjust to. Of course I knew this before, and this was and is also the way I masturbate but it gives me a sense of appearance of non interest, of non concern for my partner. It is truly not the case, and never has anyone made a comment about it, but it is every time a concern I have on behalf of my partner. Back then it was also my inexperience. But Björn was great. He was funny and passionate.

We were together for about 6 month. During that time we had sex several times. Once Björn could operate the bed hoist we didn't have to plan with my nurses as much as the first time. If bladder and bowel control was managed during the day we could decide by ourselves what to do later on.

At last things didn't work out anyway. It wasn't a surprise but still I was very disappointed. It wasn't Björns fault though but he adjusted his life to my needs very much and expected something in return. But I was so steady in my private sphere with my family, nursing home and work that I had a hard time changing myself. From my point of view Björn wanted to do too much non-handicapped stuff. He sorted it all out, and often what he wanted was possible, I just wasn't ready to do so. For some plans he needed to do part of the nursery job, which all my life only my mother or sister, or the nurses did to me. Back then this was too much, in a matter more intimate than actual having sex. I think we were both equally sad as our relationship came to an end. Yet it was the best thing to do.