Guilt

Copyright 2008 all rights reserved

*

"Don't come to the party if you can't be civil," his brother warned. "We want you there, but this is Amanda's party and I won't have you making a scene."

Kevin sighed into the phone and ran a hand through his hair. He wanted to go the party, he really did. His sister-in-law, Amanda, was like the sister he never had. It was her thirty-fifth birthday party, sort of a landmark, he thought. But… but, but, but… Lana would be there and that made him hesitate.

"You still there?" Steve asked. He had a general idea of what was running through his brother's head. Kevin and Lana had seemed all but perfect together, when suddenly it had all blown up. It was Kevin's fault, even he would admit it. Lana had been pretty close-mouthed about the whole thing. She wouldn't talk about how she was hurting, although Steve knew she had to be.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm here," said Kevin. He sighed again. He had to go, this was ridiculous. He was thirty-one years old. He could handle a party with his ex in attendance. "I'll come, and I'll behave, I promise. If it feels like I can't, then… then I'll just leave or something." He paused. "Is Amanda still mad at me?" Amanda was Lana's best friend, and relations between Kevin and Amanda had been tense following the breakup.

"It's fading, but yeah, I think she still is, a bit," said Steve. "But she won't say anything, you know that. She won't want to upset Lana."

"Upset her?" Kevin's voice was laced with sudden suspicion. "Why would anything upset her?"

Steve cursed under his breath, nearly stamping his foot in his irritation. He hadn't meant to say that. He had to cover. "You know what I mean," he said. "Amanda wouldn't want Lana to feel bad, so she won't say anything about it."

"Okay," said Kevin. He wasn't entirely convinced by his brother's explanation, but didn't want to pursue it at the moment. "Look, I have to go, lunch is over and I'm due in a meeting."

"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to keep you," said Steve. "So, it's Saturday at eight o'clock. Amanda won't count you late unless you come after nine." Everyone knew Kevin wasn't the most punctual of people, despite his best efforts.

Kevin sighed internally. Lana had accepted his perpetual lateness, and even found subtle ways to improve it. They'd arrived on time at his parents' for dinner once and surprised them no end. His mother, targeting dinner for Kevin's expected arrival, had stumbled around looking for hors d'oeuvres until Lana had laughed and presented her with a platter of crackers and cheese. Lana always thought of everything.

"Right, eight o'clock," he said. "See you then." He closed the cell phone and headed back to his desk to grab the materials for his meeting. The meeting was sure to be dull, but perhaps it would keep his mind off of what he now realized had been a huge mistake.

*****

"Ready to go, Lana?" Tom's voice came from the front room.

"Just about," she called back. She slid into her shoes -- low-heeled black pumps; she had no desire to go tripping over anything -- and took a last look in the mirror. Her dark hair was kept back with a silver headband, and the makeup was okay. It made her look a bit less pale, anyway. She straightened her dress, put in her earrings and stepped into the hallway.

"You sure you want to go?" Tom asked, concerned. She'd been out of the hospital for two weeks, but he thought she still looked a little frail. "I'm sure Steve and Amanda would understand. I mean, you've been under some stress and you know he'll be there."

"It's all right, really," she said softly, giving him a small smile. "I'm going to run into Kevin at some point, anyway. At least there it's on fairly neutral turf. It's been, what, four weeks now?" Despite her easy tone, Tom knew she was still hurting over the whole thing.

"Just take it easy," Tom said. "And I'm driving," he added, using his 'don't argue with me' tone.

Lana laughed. "I

am

allowed to drive now, you know. The doctor said it was okay."

"Cut me a break, I'm trying to be chivalrous," he said, opening the door for her with a flourish. Lana laughed again.

They were companionably quiet on the way to the party. Tom wasn't sure what he thought about this. His first meeting with Kevin hadn't gone well; in fact, that was when Kevin had broken up with Lana, something she obviously hadn't been expecting. Tom had just arrived back home from deployment to the Middle East a few weeks before, and after leaving the service, decided to spend some time visiting Lana, his oldest friend, after a stop off at home with his parents. Lana had been thrilled. They'd been close friends since they were kids, living next door to each other until his father had been transferred to a town a few hours away. Email and cell phones made staying in touch easier, and they'd managed to keep their friendship going through high school, college and beyond.

A few years after college, they'd tried dating. It seemed the natural thing, after all the time they'd spent together. From the first awkward kiss, though, they knew it wouldn't work. Tom's unpredictable deployment schedule hadn't helped. Luckily, they'd been able to laugh about it and remain best friends.

He and Lana hadn't talked about it, but Tom remembered how Kevin had misread their relationship. They were supposed to meet up with Kevin, Steve and Amanda for dinner. Tom had been looking forward to meeting them after hearing so much about them all in Lana's emails and phone calls. But as soon as they'd met outside the restaurant, it had all gone wrong. He hadn't seen Kevin since and that was probably for the best, since initially he'd been so mad he'd wanted to beat the man to a pulp.

"Nervous?" he asked Lana.

"A little, I guess," she said, leaning her head back against the seat. "But there isn't much to say, really. And there will be plenty of other people."

She was remembering that same night. She'd been so happy to see Tom again, after not seeing him for over two years. She'd told Kevin about him, of course -- how could you tell not tell your boyfriend about your best friend? Kevin seemed to have enjoyed the stories she'd told her, and even said he was a little jealous not to have had such a friend himself.

When they'd arrived at the restaurant and walked over to meet Kevin and his brother and Amanda, Kevin's eyes had gone cold and angry. Lana didn't understand why and had looked at him apprehensively. Steve and Amanda greeted Tom warmly, but Kevin just stared silently.

"What's this?" Kevin said, his voice tense.

"What's what?" Lana asked, puzzled. "This is my friend, Tom. I've told you all about him."

"Do you always hang on your

friend

like that?" Now there was an angry sneer in his voice.

Lana was still a bit confused. She had her arm linked through Tom's, yes, but that was all. "Kevin, what's going on? What's wrong?"

"Geez, Lana, if you're going to see someone else, at least keep it discreet." His eyes bored into her.

"Kevin, I don't know what you think is going on," she said, trying to keep the confusion out of her voice. "Tom's my oldest friend, he's home from the service like I told you, and that's it."

"Please," said Kevin. "Anyone can see this is more than that." He rolled his eyes.

"Kevin, what the hell is wrong with you?" said Steve. He couldn't understand Kevin's behavior, either, and he didn't like how it was affecting Lana. Amanda was his wife, but Lana had become like a little sister, and he tended be protective of her.

"Nothing," he said calmly, though his voice was still dark. "But I'm not going to stay here while my girlfriend waves her new guy around in front of me."

"I'm not waving anyone around," said Lana, now starting to get angry herself. Where in God's name had all of this come from? "He's my oldest friend, for crying out loud."

"That's your story and you're sticking to it, I'm sure," said Kevin.

Lana took a deep breath. "Look, why don't we start over? Obviously something went very wrong here. Let's go inside, order some wine and dinner and try it all again." She was embarrassed that Tom had to see this. She glanced over to see a mixture of confusion and anger on his face.

"You guys go on," said Kevin, "but I'm done here." He looked at Lana. "

We're

done. I can see I've already been replaced."

Then Lana understood. "Go on, then," she said, her voice tight. "But before you go thinking you're taking the high road, you should know --

I knew the whole time!

" Shock registered on Kevin's face. Lana continued, her hands shaking, her voice low, but her fury obvious. "Next time you want to keep a secret, don't leave your damn emails up on the screen for anyone to see." She turned to Steve and Amanda, apologized, and she and Tom left.

It had taken a few days for the whole story to come out, at least Lana's side of it. Kevin had cheated on her, and she had discovered it when she went to her computer and found several open emails. She hadn't said anything, though, and although Tom understood her reasoning, he didn't entirely agree. She had thought about it, she told him, but wasn't sure what to say. For some reason, perhaps just blind love, she had decided to see what happened, trusting that Kevin would end the affair. In fact, he had, but the damage had been done.

That must have been hellish, Tom thought. Both of them knowing about the affair, but neither saying anything. The proverbial elephant in the room. Lana hadn't confronted Kevin -- she never was much for that, Tom knew -- nor had Kevin admitted anything. Tom's guess was that the guilt had eaten at him, and Kevin turned it around on Lana when he had the chance.

After it was out, Lana clammed up. She wouldn't talk about it to anyone, not even Amanda. When she'd been hospitalized, she'd all but demanded blood oaths that no one tell Kevin about it. "It wouldn't do any good now," she'd said, "it's too late."

Tom drew into a parking space and looked over at his cousin, who was staring out the of window.

Kevin's a fool,

he thought to himself.

If our history were different, I'd try again. But damn, she still loves him.

She'd never said it, but Tom knew.

"We're here," he said, gently touching her arm so as not to startle her. "Ready to go in?"

"What? Oh, yes, sure," she said, a little distractedly. Then she looked concerned, "Oh, no, did I forget the gift?"

Tom smiled and reached into the backseat, pulled back a gift bag. "You made me put it in the car hours ago so we wouldn't forget." He laughed at the look of relief on her face. "Come on, let's go do this."

"Okay, you're right," Lana said, nodding. She laughed as Tom went around to open her door for her. "You are chivalrous, aren't you?"

"Well, I do try," he said, feigning modesty.

"We'll have to find you a damsel," Lana said.

"A damsel?" he asked as they walked up the street to the house.

"Well, sure," she said. "You're chivalrous, which is a knightly thing."

"I haven't had a nightly thing in… Ooof!" Tom was cut off as Lana elbowed him in the ribs.

"Now don't ruin it," she said as he rubbed his side. "If you're going to be chivalrous, you need a damsel to be chivalrous for. And we're practically family, so that doesn't count," she said, stopping his protest. They arrived at the front door and Lana took a deep breath. "Here goes nothing," she said, ringing the doorbell.

"Lana!" Amanda squealed and gave her friend a huge hug.

"Um, happy birthday?" said Lana, hugging her back. "And can I breathe now?"

"Hey, can I get a hug like that?" asked Tom with a grin. Amanda laughed and hugged him hard, too.

"Just don't forget, I'm taken," she said.

"I know," he said with a sigh. "All of the good ones are." They stepped inside.

"Come on," said Amanda, nearly dragging Lana into the living room. "Tracy, Lourdes and Brandon are here. You haven't seen them in ages. Tom," she said over her shoulder, "you come, too. You need to meet Lourdes."

"Why?" he asked warily, depositing the gift bag on the table as he followed.

"You just do," she said airily. She brought them over to the couch, made introductions, and went back to her husband.

"How's Lana?" Steve asked, dropping a kiss on her forehead.

"Good, I think," said Amanda as she watched her friend talk with the others. "I think she's still tired and looks a bit pale under the makeup, but I'm sure Tom wouldn't have let her come if she wasn't up for it."

"He's the next best thing to a big brother," Steve said. "I always wished we had a younger sister."

"Why?" asked Amanda, pouring a glass of wine.

"Not sure, exactly," he said with a shrug. "Maybe so Mom would have had some more gender appropriate company. She never got to the do the whole pink and frilly thing. She tried, but Kevin had a fit." He winked at her.

"I can do pink and frilly," she said, her wink a bit more seductive. "I might even have some stashed away." Steve raised an eyebrow. "Later," she promised. The doorbell rang again.

"I'll get it," Steve said, putting his drink down. "It's probably Kevin."

"It's only 8:30," said Amanda. "He's practically early."

Steve chuckled as he went to the door. It was indeed Kevin, complete with a gift-wrapped box. "Hey, man," said Steve. "Come on in."

"Thanks," said Kevin. "I think it's about to rain, so inside is a good idea." He added his gift to the ones on the table. "Where's the birthday girl?"

"Right here," said Amanda.

"Hey, happy birthday," Kevin said with a smile, giving her a hug. He was glad Steve had found her. They were good for each other.

"Thank you," she said, returning the hug. She loved her brother-in-law, despite what happened with Lana. In fact, she wanted desperately to tell him about Lana going in the hospital, but she'd promised not to. Besides, she had agreed with Steve when he said it was Lana's place to tell Kevin.

I won't tell him unprompted, but I won't lie,

she thought privately.

If Kevin asks, I'll be as honest as I can and hope I don't give anything away

.

"Where's the booze?" Kevin asked.

"You never change," she said dryly, waving her hand at the kitchen. "It's all in there. Beer in the fridge, wine too, and harder stuff on the counter."

"Just a beer, thanks," he said. He stepped in and found one, opened it and took a swig. He was just stalling, he knew, delaying for as long as he could before he had to step into the living room with the other guests. Because he knew she was there; he'd seen her car.

Steve had bluntly told Kevin that he'd been a fool, and he knew it. God, did he know it now. The last few weeks had been awful. It was his own fault. Kevin had had an affair. He couldn't even remember why, now. She as just a girl from the office who he'd known slightly for a while before they were put together on a project. Suddenly, working late one night, they found they'd moved from work to the kind of play that was generally frowned upon in office settings.

How had he let it happen, he'd wondered? He detested infidelity in relationships. It had led to his parents' divorce. Although they weren't even engaged, Kevin had never thought about stepping out on Lana. Not even when they were fighting.

The fighting was why, he'd realized. He had been so upset with Lana, with the way things were going between them. For weeks she had been working late, and his schedule had been crowded too. It felt like they had no time together. Half the time they were both too exhausted to do anything more than cuddle in bed. Finally, Lana had suggested a weekend away. Not far away, but somewhere that wasn't his apartment or her duplex. Somewhere with a spa, or a pool, and a day or so for them to do nothing but be with each other. Kevin had been so excited about it he'd made the arrangements himself.

Then Lana came home two days before they were scheduled to leave, and told him they'd have to postpone. The case she was helping with required everyone to work over the weekend to meet deadlines. Kevin had nodded, but inside he'd been furious. So, when Julia had flirted so blatantly with him, he'd only put up token resistance.

Kevin had felt horribly guilty immediately afterwards. Julia hadn't seemed too affected, but then, she'd said she had an open attitude about things. He told himself it wouldn't happen again, that there was no need to tell Lana, and had tried to go on. Except it did happen again. And part of him liked it.

He and Julia met on the sly, during work hours or the occasional late night for a project. Once they'd managed to go at it in a stairwell, freezing when they heard the security guard on the floor above them. They hadn't been discovered, but it had hit him like a cold shower. Julia, on the other hand, was quite turned on by the threat of exposure. It had taken some convincing on her part, but they'd resumed their activities. Again, Kevin felt awful afterwards, like he was dirty.

Lana deserved better, and he knew it. When he thought about it rationally, he knew he didn't want Julia at all, really. It was the thrill, for whatever reason, that kept him coming back. But Lana… Lana was just gorgeous in his eyes. She had that hair, dark brown like mahogany wood, and those sparkling green eyes. Her body was perfect, despite what she sometimes thought. She understood him, she treated him better than anyone else had, and she loved him. And he loved her. So why the hell did he keep on doing this?

Finally, as Lana suspected it might, the guilt drove him nuts and he called it off with Julia. She had taken it well -- it was obvious he was just "some fun" to have on the side, nothing serious. He would tell her, he had thought. He would tell Lana, and hope she would forgive him. She deserved that much.

But he hadn't.

He wanted to. But he found excuses all the time. She was busy, he was busy; too much to do on the weekends; when the evenings finally hit, he wanted to be with her, to hold her, cuddle her, make love to her, not tell her something which could end in her leaving. It had finally come to a head the night she'd brought Tom to dinner.

He didn't know why that happened, either. She'd told him about Tom and the fun they'd had growing up, and he'd envied her the friendship. He'd also wanted to meet Tom, to find out what Lana had been like growing up, to like someone who was obviously so important to her. The guilt had continued to gnaw away at him, but he'd gotten adept at pushing it away, ignoring it. Then they'd shown up, walking across the parking lot. Lana had her arm linked through Tom's, and they were both laughing at something, and suddenly Kevin had been incredibly, inexplicably jealous.

He'd picked the fight and broken up with her, his guilt and anger at himself holding off the regret until the next morning. Then he'd realized the mistake he'd made, but had no idea how to fix it. His own brother hadn't talked to him for a week, and Amanda for another week after that. He'd apologized to both of them, but neither offered to speak to Lana. In fact, they both said he didn't deserve her and he should leave her alone. Then Lana had been in the hospital for several days. Steve and Amanda refused to tell him why, saying they'd promised Lana. It drove him crazy.

That was when he realized how much he loved her. That even if they weren't together, he couldn't bear the idea of something happening to her. He wished he had been there, even as a friend, if he couldn't be there as her lover, her partner. She'd known, she said that night. She'd known about the affair, but hadn't said anything. He wondered why. He was desperate to ask her that. Even if she never took him back, he had to know why she had kept silent about it.

"Are you ever coming out?" Steve startled him out of his thoughts.

"Oh, yeah, I was just… thinking," Kevin said.