Goodnight My Lover

The stories I've submitted are my first few attempts on this forum. While I appreciate comments, please keep them respectful and relevant. I am writing these purely as a therapeutic outlet. All of the pieces I've submitted are accurate to my life experiences and most likely have been altered to serve a therapeutic purpose. For instance this piece is really an allegory to the death of an emotional weight I've been carrying with me for many years. Knowing this may help some of you understand the reasoning in the story.

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Chapter One - Unwanted News

It was a warm sunny afternoon in Autumn when Kevin walked into his doctor's office. Not the day he'd have thought would change his life. Perhaps if he hadn't had gone for his annual physical...or perhaps if he'd had changed his diet years before...or perhaps...

"Good afternoon Doctor."

"Kevin, how are things these days? I'm hoping everything is going well for you?"

"Yes, of course. I was caught in traffic for a few minutes so apologies for the tardiness."

"Quite al-right. Now let's get you up on the table here so we can have a look."

Kevin slowly positioned himself on top of the table. It was cold. Only a small strip of paper separated him from the vinyl covering of the cushion. He really didn't like this part. He'd had a colonoscopy years ago and found that his intestinal corridor was quite narrow causing quite a bit of pain during the procedure. This was nothing like that at all but still he had flashbacks of it whenever someone examined his back door.

The Doctor put a finger inside and felt around for the tell-tale lumps or abnormalities that would signal some concern. It didn't help that the Doctor was a woman the same age as Kevin. She was attractive too. Kevin had long held anxiety of people he didn't know touching him. It had something to do with insecurities he held throughout his life he was only just getting over...let alone aware of. The Doctor explored a bit as Kevin's body tensed.

Kevin really hated this part.

"Hmm. Have you had any trouble with bowel movements? Any infections or bleeding?"

"I had diverticulitis over Christmas last year. Kind of painful. I bloated right up. Other than that no, why?"

"Kevin I'm feeling an enlarged prostate. Could be nothing. Most likely nothing but I want to send you to s a specialist to get it checked out...run a few tests. I'm going to write a referral and have my receptionist set you up with an appointment as soon as we can book it."

"Doctor Miller, is there a concern?"

"Most likely nothing, but any time we find an enlarged gland like this we want to be safe. Let me get some blood work going and see if anything shows up there. When was the last time you ate?"

"Yesterday night, you told me no food after midnight."

"Good, let's get to the blood work."

An hour later Kevin was at the entrance to Doctor Miller's office checking out when she came out for a final consult.

"Kevin, I've made an appointment for tomorrow morning for you. Here is the information. I'll contact you after I talk with the specialist if we need you to come back in. Go home, get some rest and try not to worry."

Kevin drove home to his wife Lillian. Both of his teenage daughters were home by now and dinner was being put on the table.

"Hi honey. What's for dinner?"

"Nicoise salad. How did the check up go today?"

"Everything is fine. They did some blood tests that's all."

There was no sense in raising any concerns if there didn't need to be any reason.

Kevin enjoyed his dinner with his family and took an early bedtime. When Kevin got up in the morning he didn't let his wife of 19 years know that he had a visit with a specialist that day. Instead, he just said he had an early errand he needed to attend to.

At the specialist's office, Kevin was nervous but trying to keep everything in check. This was routine. He was in his 40's after all and it made good sense to make sure everything, even minor, was checked out so it wouldn't become a problem. After all of the tests were done Kevin left with little knowledge of what was happening to him. He didn't ask too many questions probably more out of fear more than anything else.

The Doctor did take a biopsy as a precaution. If he had thought his colonoscopy was difficult the biopsy was now the new contender for worst procedure in his lifetime. Kevin's grandfather had died from prostate cancer so the levity of what he was potentially facing wasn't lost on him.

A few days later Kevin received a call.

"Kevin, this is Doctor Miller. I want you to come in today to see me so we could go over your results. Would this afternoon work for you, at 2 pm?"

"Yes, fine. I'll see you then. Is there anything to be concerned about?"

"Let's talk at 2."

That didn't sound good Kevin thought. If it was good news he'd needn't go in for an office visit again. Although, Kevin thought, it could also only be high cholesterol or something.

Kevin waited anxiously until the time of the appointment and then made his way to South San Francisco from Oakland during the mid day rush of traffic.

Arriving in the Doctor's office, Kevin was uneasy and afraid at what he was going to be told. The receptionist took his information and asked him to wait seated. She offered him mint tea to calm him.

"Kevin, would you follow me back please." Doctor Miller interrupted.

Kevin followed her back into the office and watched as she held the door for him motioning for Kevin to take a seat in the chair.

"Kevin, thank you for coming back on such short notice. I've gotten the test results and have gone over them with the Oncologist. Kevin, this is going to be hard for you to hear but the tests we had run revealed an onset of metastatic prostate cancer.."

"Oh my god..."

"Kevin, please take a breath. There's much to discuss but please take a moment..." The Doctor had said while putting a hand on Kevin's shoulder.

"It's early enough right? so that we can do something about it?"

"Kevin, the Oncologist had an MRI done yesterday after the initial results looked concerning to him. You recall you were in the office for some time waiting for the different tests..."

"Yes."

"Kevin, the cancer isn't in the early stages, but the good news is that it's not in the final stages either."

"What does that mean, what kind of diagnosis are we talking."

"Distant stage. It means cancer has spread to distant lymph nodes and other organs."

"Kevin, I can't say what the odds are yet. What I do know is that the cancer has spread beyond the prostate. There's enough that it can't be simply removed from surgery."

"Wait, what does that mean. Is this terminal?"

"Kevin, we don't think so. We think the cancer is treatable and there are some new procedures we'd like to try and see you you respond before making further evaluations. We'd like this to start today. We believe we have little time with something like this in order to prevent it from spreading further. With luck and a lot of hard work on your part we could be looking at a few years..."

"A few years of healthy life...is that what you are saying?"

"Yes Kevin. If all goes well you'd have at least a few years time. If the cancer responds like we hope there's a chance we could put it into remission."

"What kind of chances?"

"Again, it's hard to say."

"Tell me."

"5 year survival rates are 28%".

"If I do nothing, what does that window look like?"

"6 months to a year before the heavy stuff starts. Without treatment, maybe 3 months after that until it overtakes you."

"Jesus God."

"Kevin, I want to start you on this treatment immediately."

"Al right."

After that days appointment Kevin felt really sick and had trouble driving home by himself. He had thought about calling Lillian to come get him but he had decided not to tell Lillian and his daughters just yet what was going on with him. It would be difficult to hide but he new for now he wanted to avoid any worry and distress in the family until he could learn more from the Doctors as to his real long term diagnosis. For now, Kevin was OK to try and drive home against his Doctor's wishes. The Doctor made no pretence in her disagreement and told him from now on he'd need to be accompanied to the chemo.

Kevin drove home and immediately went to bed. He'd been given strong pain killers that he hid from his family and told them he'd come down with some stomach bug.

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Chapter Two - The Pain Begins While Plans Are Made

Several weeks had gone by and the chemo was getting more intense. It would be hard to hide this from Lillian much longer. He'd talk about options with the Doctor that day during his appointment. So far, Lillian though he had some strong stomach infection that needed lots of care.

"Kevin, we have your latest round of tests and I'm afraid we have some difficult things to discuss."

"Has it gotten worse?"

"It's not that the cancer has spread more but it's the extent of the damage that we are just now learning. Kevin, the cancer has spread throughout a majority of your organs in the region. Operating won't stave off the development of the tumours. We could keep going with an aggressive stance on chemo and start radiation immediately into those areas..."

"How much time?"

"Kevin.."

"How much?"

"Close to a year..."

"Till I'm dead? or..."

"Until the cancer overtakes you."

"If I stop treatments now...what then?"

"6 months, maybe longer before the pain becomes unbearable. We can put you on the strongest of pain medications since we'd not likely to have to worry about addiction or complications. Your comfort would be the primary focus of your ongoing care..."

"Kevin I'm so sorry."

"I am to Doctor. I want to stop treatment."

"Kevin I don't recommend..."

"I know, you want to fight it. I don't. I have a slim chance of survival and I'd like the last months I have with the energy and focus of being with my family...not spending the remainder of my days with everyone worried, stressed, and me feeling like I'm throwing up every second of the day."

"Kevin, do me a favour and think about it. Come back tomorrow. In the meantime I'm writing a prescription for some different pain medication. I also want you to meet with some colleagues down at Stanford just to verify all our options."

"OK."

Kevin left the appointment with an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. He'd been given a death sentence. He was only 41 years of age.

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Back at home Kevin made a controversial decision about his care. He'd decided to not tell anyone about his condition ever. Kevin and Lillian had talked about this situation once before as they watched a relative go through something similar. They had both agreed that when faced with a terminal and painful diagnosis that they each would rather choose not to be treated. Their reasoning was that in this manner they could enjoy as much life as they had left without having to deal with hospitals and treatments designed to prolong the dying process. They both felt their relative they had watched should have had the option to choose no care. The issue at that point was about letting the person die on their terms and with dignity.

Kevin pondered this and hoped his wife would still see it in that light. Kevin did however choose to not tell Lillian and justified that he wanted to spend the last few months uninhibited with his family without a dark cloud hanging over them all of the time. Kevin used the example of having a tooth pulled as his reasoning. When you are younger and you need your tooth to get pulled out the best way was for someone to do it without warning so that the anticipation of the pain didn't make it worse than it actually was. Granted this was far worse than a bad tooth but Kevin felt the theory was justified and had hoped his family could recover from the shock of his loss easier than if they'd all talked about it at great length.

Kevin knew he had a lot of preparation to do and not much time to do it. About 6 months time to be precise. Kevin had many things to think about : pain management, hiding his condition, end of life plans, his will, letters and goodbyes to write, and vacations. Kevin would need to stop working and say goodbye first. He'd need to let one person at his work know what was going on because he'd have to apply for disability and also tap some of his life insurance monies early. His policy had a clause that allowed for end of life financial support when faced with a terminal illness.

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Kevin had decided not to let his family know about his retiring from work. He'd use that time in the day instead to finalize his plans. The first of his plans were for a grand family vacation to Hawaii over the coming holidays. He'd tell Lillian that he'd saved up for the vacation and it was to be his surprise for the family.

The timing for all of these events was immediate. Kevin and his family had the best time of their lives in the two weeks on the island. When they returned Kevin focused on spending as much quality time as possible with his family.

Two months later Kevin surprised his wife with an early 20th anniversary trip. He was taking her back to Scotland. He was saying goodbye gradually. Kevin had a sculpture made by an artist friend of theirs. It was a bronze cast of the two lovers intertwined and becoming one. Kevin had titled the piece 'Goodnight My Lover'. Lillian thought the title was sweet but only Kevin knew the real meaning. It was a symbol of their undying love and eternal commitment. It was the husband telling his wife goodnight forever and the memory of their last joining would carry with her for a lifetime. Kevin gave this to her at a castle in Scotland on their last evening there. Lillian cried and Kevin did his best to be the strong supportive one. Lillian still hadn't suspected anything but by this time she knew her husband wasn't well. They made love that night for two hours. Kevin massaged his wife and lay down next to her afterwards and quietly cried himself to sleep.

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Chapter Three - Goodbyes

Around six months time from the date Kevin learned about his cancer he decided the pain was becoming too unbearable and it was time to finish his plans. He knew he would deteriorate from that point rapidly. The pain had become nearly impossible to hide from the family. They didn't know what was going on but they could see he was in a great deal of pain and asked him about it often. He'd said he'd been injured working out and it would take time to rehabilitate the injury. Kevin wasn't happy about lying to his family.

On this evening Kevin put his final plans in place and finally made a phone call before everyone came down to dinner. It was to his mother.

"Mom. How are you? Fine? Yes I'm OK too. I wanted to talk to you about some things. In fact I have a favour I want to ask of you..."

"OK Mom, I love you too. I'm glad I got to see you a few weeks back. Just remember to watch for what I'm sending you. And don't breathe a word of it to anyone. You have to trust me on this."

Kevin said his goodbyes to a tearful mother. They talked for easily an hour but the contents of their discussion wouldn't be known to anyone for another years time.

Kevin made a splendid dinner for his family. He'd spent all afternoon preparing it. It was Coq Au Vin. Kevin had taken a number of cooking classes years before and prided himself in being able to take care of the family that way. It was his daughter's favourite dish and took several hours to prepare. The family spent the evening catching up on everyone's news and helping with homework. Kevin put each one to bed and said his goodbyes to them in his own way.

The first was his youngest Elly. Kevin went in to tuck her in and sang her a song. He'd used to always sing to them and never really understood why he'd stopped. He sang her 'Puff the Magic Dragon'. It was a sad tale about growing up and loss of childhood innocence. The words meaning hadn't fully made an impact on Elly but Kevin knew all to well what the intent of his singing it was. Kevin kissed Elly on the forehead and said the following to her as his goodbye.

"Oh dear Elly. You know I've loved you with my whole being from the first moment I knew we were pregnant. Someday you'll become an amazing woman and I know that everything we've taught you until now will still be inside of you, guiding you through life. I want to tell you how unbelievably proud your mother and I are of you. If I haven't told you that enough I'm sorry. You are the most special thing in my life. My happy place. Here, I have a gift for you. It's a necklace I got in Scotland. A local artist made it. It's a symbol of hope You have always been my symbol of hope Elly. Elly I love you. Goodnight my dear."

To this Elly responded as a child who didn't understand would, "Daddy, you're silly. I love you too."

With that Kevin said goodnight and closed the door to that part of his life. Kevin continued and did the same for his older daughter. The contents of that discussion were so unsettling to Grace he had decided to write it down for her to find at a later date. Grace was upset and could tell something was significantly wrong. Even though her father showed calm stoicism she could tell underneath there was immense fear and uncertainty. Grace kissed her father goodnight and for some unexplained reasons said goodbye to him that evening. Somehow she knew what was happening and the conscious thought of it had made her terribly sad inside. Kevin stayed with his daughter rubbing her back until she drifted off to sleep.

Lastly, Kevin went into his bedroom for one last time and gave his wife a loving massage. He knew he couldn't say goodbye to her or he'd break down and put all of his plans at risk. He'd be risking all of their futures. He had just wanted to hold his wife for a little while longer.

Kevin did a couples meditation with Lillian. She sat on his lap facing each other and the two of them breathed deeply for 20 minutes syncing their breaths together. Kevin imagined his soul flowing from each of his breaths through his wife and back into himself. Kevin and Lillian had done this a number of times before and it brought them closer to each other each time. This time Kevin focused on releasing his soul and any unwanted energies. He began to cry and shake during the meditation. Sobbing quietly. Lillian just held him. They both knew if emotions were to come up during the meditation they were to just hold the other person and let it happen. No comfort. Just be there for them...allowing them the space they needed to feel. Kevin released his demons and said a silent prayer. He took his wife's head in his hands and looked directly into her eyes. They continued the breathing exercise and while doing so Kevin willed his spirit into his wife's. The were one. Forever.

Kevin put his wife to sleep while softly rubbing her shoulders.

His final words whispered into her ear were simply, "Goodnight my lover."

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Kevin got up and quietly left the house. He got into his car and drove onto the highway to find the spot he'd searched out months before. Kevin had left a note for Lillian telling her he needed to get something from the office. He called his mother one last time from the road. "Yes Mom, it's time. Yes I'm sure. I love you too. Thank you for everything." Kevin then called his wife's cell phone. He'd been careful to put her phone on buzz so the phone call wouldn't wake her. He left her one final message.

"My dear Lillian...I'm forever yours." Kevin sang a song to her voicemail over the phone. The lyrics he'd written down in a letter to her for a later time.

Kevin peacefully drove into the night. He had purposely run the car out of gas on the side of the road knowing that this night was to be the night. Kevin stepped out of the car and ended his life on the side of the highway. His death would appear accidental to law enforcement. It was a simple case of him being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Kevin didn't feel too badly about deceiving the insurance carriers. The agencies were going to have to pay out for his death within the next 6 months regardless of how his life was to end. Kevin felt it unfortunate that he had needed to deceive in order to simply have the right to exit this world on his own terms.