God Has a Plan for Us All

This was a deeply emotional story for me that culminated over six months of off and on writing. Enjoy...

~ BSR

*

Rayne lay in her bed, thrashing restlessly in her sleep. Her brow was sweating, her chest was heaving with an undying nightmare. Her smooth hands clutched at her sheets as she flailed about in horror, her legs were a tempest. In her mind, he was touching her again, just as he had ten years before. Forcing, caressing, and groping... his hands wandered over her delicate skin. She burned with fear and she screamed at herself to run, but so many years ago she was scared. She could do nothing... only hold still as her heart raced and she whimpered. Her skin seemed to notice everything touching her, his fingers, his hot breath, and his robes that chafed her legs. She was only eight, Father Dylan was her priest, what else could she do?

Her cries became louder and more desperate as he drifted further downward. "Don't say a word or you will go to hell..." he reminded her and gently put a finger to her lips. The confession booth was small and it seemed to trap her on all sides. She couldn't breathe anymore. A finger touched the top of her underwear...

Rayne woke with a cry and sat up. She was out of breath and sweating, her sheets were twisted and her knuckles were white from their grasp on her comforter. Rain pattered on the window and she looked outside, fruitlessly hoping for any break in the clouds. Brushing her matted dark hair from her face, Rayne eased herself back down onto her pillow and began to cry quietly. She begged for better days, for the sun, for meadows, for fields of flowers, for somebody to take her away. But there was the endless rain and the clouds.

She adjusted her long night gown so it once again touched her knee. She could not bear not being covered, so exposed to the world about her. He was all she could think about, the four year abuse permeated into a lifelong monster that haunted her. She wanted to be whisked away, someone that would make her forget everything. Yet she was afraid, afraid that a man would only want her physically and then leave her, bruised and hurt. Bright tears spilled from her eyes, making it near impossible for her to see.

"God... please bring me someone. Someone to love me, to take me away."

***

Not far away from where Rayne lay crying in her college dorm, Will was with his girlfriend. He had dated Amanda for six months, and tonight, he thought, he would finally be with his girlfriend in everyway. Entering her dorm, Will held onto her sides firmly and placed a passionate kiss onto her lips, letting his tongue roll over her lips. Amanda giggled and kicked the door shut behind them, returning his kiss.

"One sec, kay?" She said and pecked him lightly on the cheek one last time. Will watched as her sexy butt swayed from hip to hip as she strutted to her shower, eager to freshen up for him. Will wandered around her dorm, constantly running his hands through his dark brown hair as he waited in anticipation for the sound of the shower to cease. After five minutes he found himself lying on the top of her bed when finally she emerged from the bathroom. His girlfriend was so beautiful; her wet brown hair trickling drops of water between her cleavage that was held up by a white towel. She smiled and approached him, gently pushing him back onto her bed.

In a quick movement, her towel was off, exposing a fully nude girl for the first time to Will. Her breasts were large, her sex was shaved and she had a perfect hourglass physique. She smiled in perfect confidence of her body. Will knew she wasn't a virgin, but she wasn't a whore either, and yet her experience made him feel awkward.

"You're so beautiful," he said, a little embarrassed.

She giggled and leaned over the edge of the bed, impatient to pull off his jeans and boxers. Will laid back and let her work on him; drinking in his own excitement... he was rock hard and couldn't wait to get inside her. She giggled even more as his jeans reached his ankles and tugged on the bottom of his boxers. Will was in heaven as he felt her fingers trail down along his untouched legs, slowly playing with him, sending shockwaves through his body into his groin. She was so beautiful, she chose to be with him, and finally she would give herself to him.

But she suddenly stopped as his boxers were around his knees, "Oh... oh Will, I don't know."

"Babe what do you mean?" Will asked, sitting up.

She was pointing at his penis with a face of shock, "Is that it?" She gestured for him to look at his own four inch cock. Will's face flushed, with anger; with sadness... he was on the brink of tears.

"Girls always say size doesn't matter!" His lip was quivering and his eyes watered until his vision was blurred. He quickly pulled up his pants and looked away to hide himself from more humiliation.

"You won't be able to bring me any pleasure with that... please understand. I don't think this is a good idea anymore."

Will scooted himself from the edge of her bed while quickly fastening his pants. He could not hear her anymore; rage and shame surged through his body. He felt so...betrayed. Who was she to deny him only because of his size? His girlfriend, whom he trusted above all, brought him to the lowest moment in his whole life. Will quickly sat up and brushed past her, not giving her a second look. He bumped into the table by her door; the tears were flowing so hard all he could see were smeared colors before him. Nothing made any more sense.

It was a pitiful sight as he ran from the building, his face a bright red, his weeping apparent, and his zipper wasn't up. He did not know if anyone saw him, and did not care.

Finally coming upon his car, Will quickly fumbled through his pockets for his keys. When he finally found them, he felt as if he were a drunk; his hands couldn't keep still as he tried to insert the keys into the door. He sat in his car, feeling all was lost... his love askew. Everything he thought he knew about love, gone in an instant.

***

Sleep was futile for Rayne now. Her heart beat violently in her chest, her blood racing through her body made her restless. Rising from her bed, she walked into the bathroom and turned the water on.

The shower had always provided Rayne a sanctuary. Although she was in a senior dorm, she never felt alone. Under the steamy water, she felt she could release herself. She cried, screamed, and pounded her fist against the wall. At night, she would turn off the lights and stand in the shower thinking, fantasizing dreaming. The monotonous tone of the water and the rhythmic beat upon her back relaxed her as the darkness calmed her.

Was this the kind of life she wanted to live? More restless nights thinking about her childhood, more rough fingers? More fear? She couldn't stand it another night. This madness, sickness even, drove her to the breaking point. She didn't know how much longer she could live with it. Nearly six years ago, she even tried to kill herself. She remembered that day vividly, the voices in her mind... Stupid whore, no one will ever love you. You are nothing. You are the Devil's toy...

Rayne was crying. Her fist clenched in pain, her heart burned. She leaned against the wall of the shower. To this day, the priest's words echoed in her mind, his last words before he was taken away in the court room. "Stupid whore, no one will ever love you! You are nothing; you are the Devil's toy!"

I am nothing. Rayne repeated her words to herself. After years and years of hearing it in her mind, she all but believed it.

Breaking down, her knees collapsed as she knelt on the slippery floor. She felt so lonely, her body so incomplete. Rayne fantasized of a dream love, to hold her, to whisper in her ear, to tell she is beautiful and to tell her he loved her. But...there was nobody... she was alone. She couldn't be with another; she couldn't trust a man enough to let him close. "Please...please," she pleaded, begged even, but for what?

***

A car raced through the forest, gliding over the slick road. Slicing through the rain, Will didn't even notice his speed. What difference did it make? What did it matter if he was to die? What he thought was true and good and caring, turned to be different. If there was no good in the girl he cared so much for... what did it matter if he slid off the road?

Swerving across the slick highway, he couldn't see. Both tears and rage had blinded him... his fist gripped the steering wheel with fury; his heart was fast and thumping with heartbreak. Why was the world so cruel? What had happened to make love so trivial? Where in human society had we failed as a society? These thoughts raced through his mind as he envisioned himself jerking the wheel and sending the vehicle into the night, into the darkness. Darker thoughts seemed to spread into his mind. Its only four inches... who could love that? What girl would want to be with him, let alone accept it as her love-thing for all eternity?

Will always considered himself a romantic... he often wrote about romance, dreamed of it before sleep overcame him. Fantasizes of lying in bed with his dream girl filled his vacant thoughts, making love, cuddling and pillow-talk. How he craved it. Yet no one in the world around him seemed to want it as much as he did. All the other guys surrounding him only seemed interested in pure animalistic sex. It disgusted Will. It wasn't fair that they had the beautiful girls, while he knew he would more than a one night stand. How he wanted to stare into the eyes of a girl he loved and sweet talk her. He wasn't particularly religious, yet he was desperate... he needed anything or anyone who could help him. He tried to make a prayer through his sobs, but he could only say, "Please... please..."

***

"What is English?" Mrs. Green asked the class. Spoken word, written thoughts? What do you do think?

The class of twenty before her gave her the usual responses, typical, almost immature answers. She waited until all her students answered, and then said they were all wrong. "English is the un-chaining of your soul, the outpouring of emotion and the orgasm of creativity." The class smirked and was intrigued...never before had any of the college sophomores heard about something as simple as a language be talked about in such a frank manner. She continued on with the introduction in the same manner, taking on the art with abstract thinking, all the students paying close attention. The class was advanced; all those who were present were serious about English composition.

"So now... what does English do?"

The class didn't answer, how could they after reaching such an introduction like that? They didn't want to be wrong in front of the entire class, shot down by the teacher. "Nobody?" Mrs. Green donned a Monty Python-esque British accent, "What? Nobody dare braves the gauntlet that is Mrs. Green's query?" The class loosened a little with the half-ass attempt to get them to open up, but there was still silence. Somebody shuffled in the back.

"Alright, you. What do you think? This is English...there are no right or wrong answers. That is what separates us from the Math Department."

Will straightened his back, and cleared his lungs, "English can make you cry, make you laugh, make you think, make you believe; it can make dreams, it can destroy anyone or anything. Diction and syntax are weapons of the tongue, implements of gossip or of preaching. Inner thoughts released are ecstasy-like, secret dilemma un-harnessed surges with hate; you can see it in the writing."

The class was quiet, impressed by the bold words which seem to come so naturally. The teacher thought for a second, "How can we summarize that? A beautiful depiction, truly, yet too wordy. I'm looking for a one-liner here folks."

She looked around the room, and pointed at a girl, "You have been quiet the entire day, what's your one line Pulitzer Prize winner?" Will looked at the student, she appeared to be flustered, and her eyes darted from side to side under an inclined forehead. Will couldn't help but think she was beautiful. Her dark brown, almost black hair concealed most of her pale face, but he could see two shy green eyes beneath it all. She wasn't exactly the 'skin n' bones' kind of girl, but Will liked that. The girl seemed quiet, almost like she was hiding something; yet the mystery made her more intriguing all at once. What was she hiding? Will felt immediately attracted to her, he made sure to note her name later.

The girl thought for a moment, and then looked up, "English is a catalyst for human emotion."

"I like it, I like it a lot." Mrs. Greene turned toward the board (Will was impressed that the teacher who looked to be in her early thirties still used a blackboard and chalk) and wrote what the student said on the board. The teacher continued the class like this, asking increasingly complex questions as the time seemed to fly by.

"Alright class, five minutes to go, let me explain your homework. Normally for this assignment, you choose your own partners, but I want to shake things up a bit, I expect a lot from this class. This time I want to choose. But first... I want you and your partner to get together and come up with the greatest work of art, yes English is an art, whether a movie, a book, a poem or otherwise, as long as it is in English and I want you and your partner to discuss it and come up with ways the two of you could have made it better. Some of the greater works in English could have been the greatest if the author collaborated with another. Yet it is the curse of the writer to be solitary. Be prepared for a dialogue about it Monday of next week."

"As for partners," she continued weaving through the students, "I want you," she placed her fingertips on Will's desk, and then the desk of the dark-haired girl, "And you. I expect great things from you two." She carried on with the rest of the class as Will made eye-contact with the girl. Smiling, he introduced himself as he caught her pretty, yet timid eyes. He began to stick out his hand to shake hers, but caught himself short of the awkward moment. She exhaled with a quick smirk, noticing his uncomfortable movement.

Quickly brushing the hair from her face, she stared into his eyes and smiled, "I'm Rayne."

***

Will found himself... what? Nervous? Nervous for what? A homework session with Rayne? He quickly contemplated this as he fixed his short brown hair, staring at himself in the mirror. He never thought he could have these feelings again, he felt attracted to her. But so quickly after Amanda? He rationed with himself it was over three months ago, that it was natural to move on. Yet it still seemed so fast for him. He felt utterly enchanted by her, she had a sweet, timid voice and her mysterious eyes swallowed him. He was getting excited just thinking about her, and he had only had one class with her and talked with her on the phone briefly.

After glancing at his mirror one last time, Will walked into his dorm. He lacked a roommate, always appreciating his space and solitude, and now more than ever he was thankful for the privacy. Donning jeans and a clean black shirt, Will frantically cleaned his two room dorm. After scrubbing down the bathroom, he found himself chuckling while picking up dirty laundry. Why did he care so much? What did it matter? Every other guy on campus had a room dramatically worse than his however he made sure every nook and cranny was clean. While rubbing down the small kitchenette, he couldn't help but think about Rayne's jade eyes.

***

Gripping the steering wheel tight, Rayne pondered her... situation? Dilemma? She found Will cute, sweet even. She noticed from the get-go his manners and outgoing politeness attractive, an opposite of her own shy character. Did she even sense a fondness of her that he held? Rayne didn't know a lot about men, or boys, but his awkwardness around her and the stumbling of his words meant something, didn't it?

She came upon the address he had given her, but for some reason she didn't stop. She slammed her open palm against the steering wheel and continued to drive around the block. Rayne tried to think about Will in a new light, as something more than a class mate. But it seemed from nowhere she heard his voice again: "Stupid whore, no one will ever love you! You are nothing; you are the Devil's toy!"

Rayne quickly closed her eyes and looked down, as if to avoid the pain of his words that were so engrained. Her eyes welled and she struggled with tears. "No...no. I can't. I can't let him ruin my life, my life!" With that, she turned the car around.

***

"Rayne," Will said quickly when he opened the door, and he grinned. She returned with her elusive smile under her long bangs which started to fall forward from behind her ears. She was wearing dark blue jeans that accented her perfectly shaped hips, big but not fat, and a black blouse that hid her medium size breasts. They stood together, smiling at each other, sharing an unspoken moment until Will snapped.

"Oh, come in please. It's cold out."

Rayne stepped inside and looked around. The medium sized dorm was small, yet clean and she appreciated its modesty.

"There food on the stove-" Will said, pointing to a pot of spaghetti and interrupting her survey, but he stopped as he realized the awkwardness of his remark. Rayne let out a sly smile, "You have a nice place here."

"Oh, ya thanks." Inside Will was tearing himself apart. There was a long silence as both stood by the door, and they both shuffled on their feet.

"Should we get started?" Rayne asked, her eyes darting from him to the floor and then to his undersized kitchen table. Will agreed and they both started for the kitchen, but they bumped into each other as they tried to enter. They both laughed an uncomfortable laugh as they both stepped back to let the other in. Their eyes met, pleading the other to enter first, and together they both stepped forward to enter first. Will groaned with a smile and stepped back to turn around a run a hand over his eye in embarrassment. "I think it's safe to say about twenty thousand gay babies have been born tonight," Will remarked utterly humiliated. Rayne looked up from the bottleneck of the kitchenette and met his eyes, and let him see her smile.

Will, standing nearly a head taller than her, finally got a good look at her face. She had skin the color of cream, unblemished and silk-like. Her cheeks were slightly round, and her cheekbones were high, giving her a distinct but beautifully feminine jaw line. Her eyes were a gorgeous hue of green, dark with brown nearer the pupil. Her dark brown bangs were pulled behind her ears and the rest flowed naturally.

"I'm sure there will be many more born tonight," Rayne replied as she watched his subtle appraisal of her. Will laughed; it was going to be a good night.

***

"Hey, Rayne," Will said, starting the conversation over the phone (He never really liked cell-phones, or other phones in general, and preferred the much outdated home phone). As he dialed her freshly memorized number, his anxious feet made him pace his dorm, his hand quivered slightly.

"Oh," she replied, sounding surprised to hear his voice, "Hi Will. What's going on?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to come over to my place tonight." His pace quickened until he finally stopped, cringing and waiting for her response.

"Our assignment is over tonight, I thought-"

"It is," he quickly acknowledged, overeagerly, then calmed himself, "but I had fun last night..."

"Ya, me too."

"What's on your mind?" Rayne asked timidly. On the other end of the line, she paced in her own dorm, biting her lower lip. She had never been through this before. Was this a date? Was she really that appealing last night? She winced as she bit too hard down.