Lately I've been going through a really bad faze and when I say bad I mean horrific. Firstly, my boyfriend dumped me. I had no idea everything was not fine, I was totally convinced I had finally found love and then wham, he runs off with my sister. I guess I was wrong. Anyway, so there I am hart broken wondering how I'm going to get through the first family gathering when, I get fired. Why do I get fired? Is it because I'm bad at my job? Oh, no, it's because my boss's wife thinks I'm having an affair with her husband. As if, he's perfectly nice and everything but I like guys with hair and less fat. Then, as if I hadn't reached seventh heaven already, my father and mother decide they want a divorce. As a result of this my mother moves in with me. Don't get me wrong I love my mother, however I suddenly have been reduced to this, teenager going on toddler, again. Don't worry it doesn't stop here either; a multi-story building is being erected right next to my flat. Now this wouldn't normally bother me if, it wasn't going to block out the fantastic view I live in this dump for. Not only that, but its value has gone down so I can't sell and get an apartment I might like better. Ok, that's all, I hope.
"Hunny? Do you have a moment?"
"I guess, what do you want Mom?"
"Oh, dear, I didn't interrupt your writing in that secret diary, did I? You were always so secretive, even as a baby. You know I still remember, once when you were five or, was it six..."
"Mum, MUM! Not that I don't find this absolutely fascinating, however, what were you going to say when you, first, came into the room?"
"Oh, nothing much just that the painters are coming tomorrow so you might want to cover you're stuff. You know paint, it has a way of splashing all over the place. Now what was I saying? Oh, yes, you were five and oh, you were so cute who would have thought that you, well, anyway..."
"Painters? PAINTERS? Mum, what do you mean by painters?"
"Why darling, this apartment is so colorful it hurts my eyes. I can't live in a blue and green apartment. You know I just can't believe you didn't fix this when you moved in. It's absolutely hideous, darling. But then, you always were absent minded, almost to a fault."
"Ok, Mum, I'm going to say this once. THIS IS MY APARTMENT! You will not do anything to it unless you ask for my permission first. Get it? The apartment is blue and green because, guess what, I like it that way. I decorated my apartment according to my taste and it's going to stay this way."
"Now darling, don't be so stubborn. I always knew you had bad taste, but don't worry, we'll sort this out in no time. Darling? Darling, where are you going?"
"To phone Pa."
"What? You still talk to that man, after what he has done to me? I don't believe you're my daughter. I just don't get it, you were such a lovely child..."
Blah, blah, blah. Why didn't Pa get a divorce sooner? He must have been nuts, heck, she's been here one month and already she's driving me bonkers.
"Hi!"
"Hey Pa, it's me."
"Hey Pumpkin, what's up?"
"I know this is kinda out of the blue, but, could I come and stay with you?"
"Your Mum getting to you?"
"Yeah, and you know, I was thinking it wouldn't be that bad, I could have my old room back..."
"Sweetie, you know the thing is that, well, Alicia's moved in. You know how it is; it would be difficult for all of us..."
"Alicia? Dad, you and Alicia? Oh, my I had no idea! Well good for you, don't worry I totally understand, you old dog you. Is it, you know, like serious and stuff?"
"It's too soon to say, but I think it has definite possibilities, yeah."
"Oh my, some good news at last. Now don't you worry about me, I'll just impose on somebody else. Um, just one thing, did Ma drive you nuts too? Because, I have this awful feeling, that, I'm not being a very sympathetic person and stuff."
"Hunny, you're mother drive's everyone nuts, it's one of her charms."
"Thank God, it's not just me. Few."
"Anyway, I've got to go. It sounds like Alicia's back."
"Ok, bye Dad, I love you lots. Have fun and do everything I wouldn't do."
"Thanks, love you, bye."
Ok, so I can't go home. Only one solution left. Hello hotel goodbye nest egg, unless, it's hello crappy hotel, tuff decision. Comfort and poverty or discomfort and eventual poverty. This calls for drastic counseling measures. Hmmm, I've never really been good at chatting on the phone, so I'll invite Josh over.
"Darling?"
Shit I forgot the dracul-mom. How can I invite my best friend over for a dose of being fed vegetarian food with no salt in a strictly non-smoking area with the TV blaring Ma's favorite soaps in the background. I can't, I wouldn't even invite my worst enemy.
"There you are dear, as you're going to be in tonight I only thought it proper to inform you that I'm having a lady's bridge night. So, if you could possibly stick to your room? Good that's settled. Now, out I need to dust you're room."
"Mom, thanks for the offer but my room doesn't need dusting."
"Nonsense dear, now, out out out!"
"That's quite right Mom, OUT!"
"No need to shout I can get a hint. You know I've always said you were as stubborn as your father."
"Whatever Mom, I'm going out tonight. Now OUT!"
"Hello?"
"Josh? You've got to save me. It's dreadful, I can't stay here another second. She's going to paint my walls a sickly pink color, she's continually cleaning my stuff, poking through my cupboards and I'm confined to my room for the evening. She's having a bridge night!"
"Wow, calm yourself Ash. I'll be right over, don't worry about a thing."
Ok, he'll fix everything. If there is one person in the world who is intimidating it's Josh, my knight in shining armor. He towers over me, so Ma's going to look like the evil dwarf reincarnated. I really like that picture, I guess that's not very nice of me but hey I can't help it so I might as well enjoy it. Oh, what if she sees through his tough-boy exterior to the soft teddy-bear beneath?
"Ashley! Who is this man? No you cannot come in, how dare you. No daughter of mine will receive a man in her apartment. How dare you come in without an invitation. I expect an explanation at once. Oh, no you're not going to get away with no answer, now you listen to me you rude, body building, red-haired giant..."
"Mum, mum, stop it. MUM. Mum, this is Josh my best friend, Josh this is my mother. Now, Josh let's go to my room and mother, do shut up."
"Why, I never, this is you're influence on my darling daughter, she never would have spoken to me like that..."
"Let me just lock and bolt the door and I'll be with you. You know I never thought I'd have use for this bolt."
"You're leaving?"
"Oh, yeah, I've given up, thrown in the towel. I can't take it, she's impossible, all the time. Oh, Josh I'm so glad you've come, I so needed to see a friendly face."
"Hey, cool it. It's going to be ok. Now I assume you're going to stay with you're father, right? So, you'll need all your clothes and books, you can come back for the rest later. Now, where are your suitcases, I mean apart from these two?"
"Um, Josh? Look, I'm not exactly going to stay with Pa, I was thinking of a hotel."
"Don't be silly Ash, I'm sure you're father will be more than pleased to put you up."
