Finding Miss Or Mrs Right

CHAPTER 1

The trouble with women is they act unpredictably, Gerard Evans snorted into the wind, leaning against the safety railing of the pier. He had reason for that grumble.

Yesterday Gerard had been shafting his girlfriend Peggy on the dinning table when his mum walked in with her friend Mrs Walsh.

There was hell to play.

Peggy who was terribly embarrassed swore at Gerard and said he'd claimed his fucking mother wouldn't be home for at least another hour.

His mom slapped Peggy yelling at her not to badmouth her and slapped her again for leading her lovely son into act of indecency.

Peggy kicked his mom and yelled she never wanted to see him again, ever. Pushing Mrs Walsh aside she yelled, "Out of the way you old cow."

Gerard's mom then slapped him and gave him one hour to vacate the house and she yelled, "You low life creature; I never wish to ever see you again."

Gerard packed a bag and was gone inside ten minutes. On the way out he apologized to Mrs Walsh for embarrassing her.

The old widow then really surprised him.

"Oh no, it was quite all right. First I never realized you could do it on a table and second I've never seen such a thick dick in all my living days."

Gerard left home shaking his head. He'd shifted into Mrs Brown's Rooming House.

Walking along Marine Parade Gerard came across a woman, hands on hips, starting at her car and cursing: "You stupid bitch getting a puncture just like that."

Like what?

Gerard didn't understand the meaning of that but the women's curse was quite understandable although he hadn't know a woman who looked like a lady could use a phrase like 'stupid bitch'. He had the impression women loved their cars.

"Ma'am, may I be of assistance?"

She said apprehensively, "You could but first I must decided can I trust you with my car. I love my car."

Well that appeared straightforward. She'd professed her love for her car and so the puncture apparently had merely produced a lover's tiff.

"Yes ma'am, you can trust me with your car."

"Oh, very well. Please change the wheel and be careful not to damage the paint."

Gerard grinned. Yep no guy could predict how a woman would react and that was scarcely surprising because it probably never occurred to women to react predictably.

The trunk was empty and so it was a breeze pulling out the spare wheel and completed the change with tools that were tidily in the correct place, probably never having been used.

"Oh you good boy. Are you sure that wheel won't fall off?"

"Guaranteed ma'am."

"Oh you're such an expert. Now how may I reward you?"

She reached into her handbag. Gerard thought a two-buck tip would be a disgrace.

"I'm hungry ma'am."

She reflected on that and asked why was he calling her ma'am and Gerard said he didn't know her name and anyway he'd been brought up to be polite to ladies.

"I'm Katie White. I'm taking you home to give you a real meal. Jump in... no you drive."

"I assure you that wheel won't come off Katie."

The woman who appeared to be in her forties smiled and said he was on to her.

"My husband is away at present attending a seminar on modern trends in internal plumbing."

"Oh is your husband a surgeon?"

"No he's chief health inspector at City Hall. I was just stating that wondering how safe I'd be alone in my house with just you."

"Well how safe would you wish to be?"

"Now you're filling my head with naughty ideas."

Gerard didn't have to consider that. "Let's go to a restaurant."

"No let's proceed as we so carelessly planned. I'm thinking of plying you with alcohol and then thinking about having my way with you."

"How safe will I be?"

"As safe as you wish to be," she cackled.

Gerard told Katie his name and said he'd been temporarily kicked out of home.

"Why?"

He hedged.

"Um I bet you were being naughty?"

He grinned and asked has she been talking to his mother. She laughed and gave him her street address.

"I bet your parents caught you having sex on their bed?"

"Wrong."

"What then?"

"You won't want to know."

"Oh but I do."

"Mom caught me doing it on the dining table that she'd set for dinner before going out."

"Oooh you naughty boy. You were masturbating."

"Jesus no. I was with my girlfriend, now my ex girlfriend.

Katie said that was unfortunate.

Gerard sniffed thinking it really was unfortunate.

Katie said, "Oh you poor boy and ruffled the 24-year-old's hair.

He brushed her hand away and she laughed sexily and said he needed a good woman to tame him. She had one in mind.

"Tell me about yourself," he said, a little surly.

"Well I'm forty-two and own the Kate Wright Dance Studio. I suppose you'll want to know my statistics?"

"Twenty-four, thirty-six, forty-eight."

She whacked his ear and he howled with pain and pulled the car out of a swerve.

"Don't be rude," she scolded. "That was awful of you to say that. I'm proud of my body."

"Yeah well I would be too if I were female with a body like yours. Your look real cute and unbelievably good for a woman of your age, er your relatively youthful age."

"Thank you. How long is your penis?"

The car served and was hastily straightened.

"What?"

She didn't answer so he mumbled that was for her to find out.

They proceeded quietly until she said to turn right at the next street and turn into the driveway of the third house on the right.

He did that and he hit the remote control device and the door opened and they drove into the garage. He closed the door.

"You drive beautifully," she said. "Will you have sex with me?"

"Yes."

"You might wish to kiss me," she said.

He kissed her and soon her breath rate had increased and he palmed a little puppy and she made no effort to pull his hand away. He ran that hand down over her tummy and she said, "Leave that till we get inside. Come on."

Katie was a great fuck but insisted on keeping her clothes on, her explanation being she didn't feel it was adultery if she wasn't nude. She took further gloss off the deed by wanting to lie on her back. And she didn't move much. But she squeezed his dick at the right time and Gerard dumped into the end of his condom.

They both slipped off to sleep and Katie shook him awake later and whispered he should go. Gerard obeyed, receiving no kiss and not even a thanks because Katie was already sleep. As he walked off he realized she'd not fed him as promised and wondered which of them had gotten more out of that encounter. It didn't take long to work that out and confirm just how manipulative women could be. It was only 8:45 so he went to a restaurant and attacked a steak.

Gerard, a bicycle mechanic, told his employer next morning he wanted to leave the job and Philip asked him to leave at the following week to give him time to locate a replacement. Gerard thought Philip would be lucky to attract a good replacement in such short time but next day Philip said he could leave as soon as he wish because the new guy was ready to start and that was rather a blow to Gerard's belief that he was virtually irreplaceable, and replaced so soon!

"The world's fucking against me," Gerard said pathetically as he went back to the rooming house that evening paid up and jobless and feeling abandoned. However the former champion teenage road cyclist champion knew it could only get better. Years ago he'd hoped to develop into a world-class competitive cyclist but riding over a 50 feet drop during a downhill dash had left him with a fractured skull and a broken hip that pushed him into voluntary retirement as a cyclist, based on his surgeon's advice. He felt better thinking that had been a far more traumatic setback than his present fall from grace.

Gerard hit the road next day, thinking it was time to move on and start afresh. He thumbed two rides during the first three hours and then nothing. Fucking nothing. His feet were killing him when near dusk a little old lady stopped and said to jump in.

"I live less than a mile away but will host you. You look pooped and in need of sustenance and a bed."

Maggie was quite a character. She'd been a schoolteacher all her life prior to retirement eight years ago and had been married twice. She was lonely and loved talking and it was after midnight before Gerard could escape to bed. When on the road next morning he was whistling, his confidence being returned by the kindness of Maggie and her simple philosophy she'd shared with him, "Don't let the bastards get you down, ever."

He waited at the truck stop and eventually a middle-aged driver looked him over carefully and said, "If you're heading west get in." Gerard had been intending to go north but decided west was an acceptable alternative.

He traveled almost two days with Mike, a married guy with three kids, who worked one week on, one week off, and claimed his wife loved the stability of his job as a truck driver, knowing for certain when he'd be home. That made Gerard think he should simplify his thinking about his own life. He'd always been hoping that something better would turn up and had never really been satisfied with his situation.

Mike said, "You should think of staying around in this little city for a while. It's my hometown and I can say you'd have to look far to find a better place to live. Over there," he said pointing, "is Ma Jenkins' rooming house and in the morning take a look on Hay Street at Harris's Ranch Supplies Depot. Mrs Harris is always looking for a good man, heh-heh-heh."

Mike refused to take any money but asked for a handshake. "You're a good guy Gerard. Good luck. If you stay I'll see you around."

Mrs Harris was far from being beautiful and her two daughters helping her run the depot were even more unattractive and the three guys who did what they were told looked pretty hopeless and yet the business appeared popular. Gerard had to wait forty minutes before Mrs Harris could see him.

"Have you worked in a ranch supplies depot before?"

"No."

"Oh Jesus."

Mrs Harris scratched under an armpit and asked what can he do.

Gerard pointed to the hire equipment, much of it motorized.

"I could run that department and do all the maintenance. I've worked on motors since I was ten."

"Ten? That sounds like bullshit to me."

"If you weren't so negative this business would do much better."

"You don't say, asshole."

"Yes bitch."

Mrs Harris displayed most of her yellow teeth. "I scare the shit out of most men."

"Yeah well you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Where's my job and I want good money."

"God you have a cheek. See that old Ford over there? It's my car and won't go. I have to go home in one of our pickups until till it's fixed. If you tell me to put gas in the tank I'll screw your scrawny neck."

"That vehicle is thirty years old. It's just a little tired, that's all and neglected. If I get the motor going do I get the hire department job with pay 50% above the going rate?"

"What's the going rate?"

"I have no idea."

Mrs Harris grinned and said it was a deal.

Fifteen minutes later Mrs Harris came running from her office when she heard the motor of the gray Ford burst into life.

"That was amazing. What was wrong?"

"Neglect."

"Oh. You're hired."

Ten days later Gerard was settled in. The daughters were not longer attempting to hit on him, he'd knocked out the aggressive male helper who'd wanted Gerard to be submissive and the three guys now assumed he was top dog. All the chain saws motors and other hire equipment had been maintained and Mrs Harris accepted Gerard's suggestion to run a notice in the local newspaper that Harris Ranch Supplies had hired a maintenance man and all hire equipment was now in fine running order.

"But people who hire my equipment would have known it was in fine running order."

"Oh yeah."

Mrs Harris showed something that could have been a blush and said she'd run the advertisement. The day after publication seven items were hired out, almost half the hire-outs for the Monday to Saturday hire business for an average week, and the next day twelve machines were hired out.

"Omigod you were right," Mrs Harris said. "Is there anything else you can do to improve my business? Right from now on I will pay you 50% above the going rate."

"Thanks. I'll look around to see what else can be improved. I understand the science of systems."

A guy came into the depot and asked for Gerard and he was called to the counter. Gerard gave the guy a big grin and shook the hand of Mike, the truck driver who'd brought him to the city.

"It's my week free," Gerard said. "I heard there was a new guy here turning things around so guessed that must be you. Come out and meet my wife."

"Nah she won't want to meet me."

"Come on or will walking out of the depot get you fired?"

Gerard grinned and went out with Mike and his attractive wife got out of the car to greet him and shook his hand.

"You made quite an impression on Mike and he was quoting you for a couple of days. Then this morning when we were coming away from the supermarket he said we must call down here and see if it's you that people are saying has made a big difference to the depot, increasing service levels by a country mile."

"Other people here have been helping me Mrs Hogan."

"Well it doesn't surprise me to find you are modest. Please call me Thelma and don't ask Mike if that is okay or I'll smack your hand."

Gerard laughed and said right Thelma.

She asked what did he do at the depot.

"Oh a bit of this and that."

"Rubbish. Gerard is my assistant manager," said Mrs Harris emerging through the huge doorway and moving over and kissing Thelma.

"Hi Mike. Come in for coffee guys, you too Gerard."

"Um I have Harvey Harrington arriving in a few minutes to rent out our new ride-on trencher. I'll need to check he can manage it."

Mike said he'd go with Gerard and say hi to Harvey. "Thelma can Gerard come to dinner this evening?"

"Yes dear if he's not dating a woman."

Gerard said dinner with the Hogan's would be great. "Thanks Thelma."

As they walked away Mike said all this is Thelma's idea. "Our daughter Julia has taken a year off after graduating in finance with her master's and she's alleging all the decent young guys your age have left the city. Thelma recalled me telling her what a cool guy you were and said we must get you to meet Julia and so here we are. If you don't like being set-up then don't come and no one will worry, least of all Julia who'd hate the idea of being set-up. Anyway she never sticks with the same guy for long."

"Cripes Mike I'm glad you told me. I'll come and pretend not to notice your daughter."

"That might be difficult."

""Huh?"

"Oh hi Mike," called Harvey Harrington. "I see you are buttonholing this young guy who is making a decent job of creating the depot's hire center into a decent and a half division. Maintenance has never been so good; it appears there's nothing Gerard can't fix."

* * *

Thelma greeted Gerard at the door and he handed her a sheaf of flowers and said shyly, "These are for you."

"Oh Gerard, they are lovely. Thank you."

"Julia our dinner guest has arrived. Please come and greet him."

Julia came into the passage and Gerard gulped, eyeing a pair of magnificently shaped 34s, a bare belly and then came super-tight pale blue jeans to match her top. Her blonde hair was in ringlets and she was in full make-up, just like her honey blonde mom.

"Julia this is Gerard Evans. Gerard this is our youngest of three children. Oh look Julia Gerard brought your flowers."

"Then why are you holding them? He brought them for you didn't you Gerard?"

He read the appeal in Thelma's face and replied, "My mistake. I should have brought two lots of flowers. Sorry ladies."

"God what a weasel,"" Julia said. "That reply satisfies neither of us. If you'd supported mom's lie I might have half believed you."

"I only met you both today. I wouldn't wish to be regarded as deceitful and it is true I did make a mistake. Your father had told me you were home and were dissatisfied by the scarcity of decent male company around your age."

"Well my father talks too much. So you classify yourself as decent male company?"

"Yes."

"In what way?"

"This must be boring for your mother. You are looking lovely Thelma."

"Did my mother invite you to call her Thelma?"

"Yes Miss Hogan. I am sure there is no need for you to be so aggressive."

"God you have no manners. What do you want to drink?"

"Nothing thanks you." Gerard said stiffly.

"Oh you two, loosen up. Please tell Julia what you wish to drink Gerard. I'll have a martini thank you dear."

"I'll have a white wine if available thanks."

"It is. Go talk to my father. Mom you come to the kitchen."

God that rude brat needed a good kick, Gerard thought sourly.

He found Mike in the lounge with the front entirely off the pendulum clock and about to oil the moving parts with what appeared to be a workshop oil can.

"Oh hi Gerard," Mike smiled. "This old lady is losing time, almost five minutes in a week. I think a bit of oil might help."

"Oiling might not be necessary Mike and if you do so use super light oil, like sewing machine oil. But it's best to buy clock oil. When was it last oiled?"

"About six months ago."

"I don't know much about clocks but one every two years seems to ring a bell."

Mike said, "Take a look pal and see if you can work out what to do. We don't have a handbook."

Gerard took two seconds before he said, "See this brass adjustment on the end of the heavy weight? It's marked with an arrow that indicates 'faster'. So turn it in that direction sad just advancing by two of those fine marks. That's it. Restart the clock and at the end of a week check the accuracy of the time and adjust accordingly. Do very small adjustments until you get it right."

"Gee pal, you're a genius. Thanks."

"Dad you're not wrecking mom's heirloom clock are you?"

"No baby. Gerard has fixed it."

"Gerard?"

"Yes the guy standing beside me. I heard your mom introduce you to him?"

"I'm just surprised that's all. Most guys I meet appear to be no good at anything."

"If you want anything fixed ask Gerard."

Julia considered that and then asked, "Um Gerard, one of my favorite ear-rings has come adrift. Can you fix it?"

"If it's quality jewelry then probably. But if it's cheap muck then probably not but then looking at you it's bound to be quality."

Julia flash him a funny look and said she would get it.

Mike said she needed to take it to a jeweler. His dad's old soldering kit was in the workshop but he didn't have a clue of how to use it. There was also a butane plumber's torch in the box.

Julia arrived with the earring and clearly the ornament had come adrift.

"I tried glue but it didn't work."

""Probably the wrong type of glue," Gerard said. "Solder will be neater and is the appropriate fix."

"Take him to the workshop Julie and pullout granddad's white hobby box. Gerard will know what to look for."

Gerard did. He got Julia to put on gloves and hold the metal ornament in a tiny pair of pliers. He lit the butane torch and soldered on the other piece, holding the rod in his teeth while he held the body of the earring with pliers in his other hand.

Their heads were touching and as he cut the gas said to Julia to hold still till the solder solidified as it cooled.

She said, "You smell nice."

He said it was a male perfume called Apollo. His Gran gave him a bottle every birthday and at Christmas. That was more than sufficient for a year at he often gave some away.

She giggled. "I hadn't thought of you as Apollo."

"Well initially I thought of you as an arrogant bitch. But here right now, helping in this delicate task, you appear very normal and sweet."