My fears are many and I battle within constantly. With him, my best friend, my soul mate, I want to banish it. He is so loving, so thoughtful and generous. I know this fear is misplaced. Finally, scared, but ready to fight, my desire to be completely free with him is overwhelming. I have spent years imagining the way we could be if I could let go.
This gentle man...tall and strong, could treat me in any way he saw fit. He knows, without a doubt, I gave him my soul. I have begged him to be rough, command me. Instead, he holds back. He does not want to make me relive any trauma, he loves me.
So, one day, I smile that one goofy smile he knows so well. "What?" he giggled at me.
I flushed. He had to notice it, because his eyes glittered and lit up and he grinned, "Now, you HAVE to tell me!"
I swallowed hard and trembled deep within. "No," I said. My eyes teared. My chin quivered.
"Honey, you can tell me. Please." he pleaded sweetly.
I sighed, nauseated at myself for even having these issues. "Okay. You know how I have trouble opening up to you sexually, especially compared to how I was as a teen?" We were lovers off and on for nearly 2 decades before we started dating and eventually getting married.
"Yes." he said a look of caution washed over his face.
"I was hoping you could...help me."
He looked relieved, but also genuinely concerned. "Help you? How?"
"I want to work with you to open up. You can lead me in just sitting with one another nude and exploring each other."
"Like how? Touching you, kissing...?"
"However you prefer, but just sweet and gentle. Taking each other in, letting our judgment toward ourselves fall away as we play lovingly with one another."
He seemed curious. "How will I know when to stop or if you don't like something?"
"We stop when we are ready. We tell each other what we enjoy and what we don't. I have to learn to talk to you in every circumstance, even sexually. I need to be fearless."
He swallowed hard now. He has his own insecurities. I knew he'd address his in time, but asking him to do so with me was asking a lot. What if he wasn't ready? I'd thought about that. I asked anyway, hopeful.