On Sunday morning, Cathy texted me. Her mother would take care of Franciszka until about 5 PM when Rita had a date with her girlfriends. I texted back that she could meet me at my apartment whenever she became free. We could stay there or go to a near by neutral coffee shop, where either of us could leave if we needed to go quickly, for what ever reason. After a bit of back and forth, we decided to stay at my apartment. I had coffee, bagels and other things to snack on. It would also be quiet and private for us.
When she showed up and sat down, our tension was high and there was a bit of silence. I broke the ice and said I have the first question. She looked apprehensive but nodded yes. But I smiled. "Why Franciszka? When you told every one it was Sophia?" There was relief in her face.
"Sophia is her middle name, and I've always liked it. Besides, by that time, Dad and I were starting to talk. We started talking a couple of days after the shower and really have not stopped. Little Freddie was actually 2 weeks late when she was born. That extra time helped us both. They were going to take her by c-section, but the next day my bag broke. In fact, dad drove me to the hospital while mom was at work."
"When we started talking, I got real shit from him for weeks, and I deserved it. But he kept coming back when mom was not around. I did believe then that their relationship was over and dead. It really had been over and dead for a while. I have realized that, except for the loss of a steady home, it really has not bothered her much at all."
"I am so sorry about the official death of their marriage, but I believed her when she said her cheating was ok. I knew about her cheating since I was 12, and thought that it was just a normal thing, well, kind of, but not really. I got used to it like it was normal. How can you tell your mother she is wrong?"
"Well anyway, during his visits, before and later after the birth, we talked about a lot of things. He started sharing what it was like on his side, and I saw the damage that was done. I cannot blame him for leaving her high and dry, or you leaving me."
"When he spoke, feelings that he and I had buried started to come out. I don't think that he ever saw me cry so much in my life, or me see him cry so much. I was crying for him, what I had not done, what I had done to you and then for the damage I needed to not do for little Freddie. Then the last crying was for how fucked up I was, what a hole I put my self into. It was the first time I really talked about things."
"He really helped me to see that there was a future out there for me, and now little Freddie too. I needed to step up to the plate."
"That is what I have done these past months. He also said that I needed to reach out and make amends. It was very hard for me to face people, but after a while, Dad and I would go to events with little Freddie. People started to see that I was not the same. Still, I got a lot of well deserved shit. I also learned to agree with what they were saying if it was the truth."
"Your ex-wife has learned that not only is she not right all the time, but now she actually really listens to others. And sometimes, she even follows what the have to say and later thanks them. Some people were shocked when they began to realize it was real. Little bit of a change?"
"So when it came time to name my daughter, I wanted something that was going to touch him. Something that would tell him that he really mattered to me. Even at this early time, right before her birth, I knew he was doing right by me and for me. His mother's name was Franciszka, and I spelled it in the Polish style. I did not want him to know right away. I did not want to appear that I was buying him off. You know what I mean, I have no creditability. So I called her by her middle name, Sofia."
"He was a bit pissed when he found out three months later. That was when I told him that this name was going to be hers forever. That is when I said, Dad, it was for your mother raising such a great son who really is my dad."
"Not since before the shower, did I ever call him Dad. But he and I acknowledged that he really was my father. Mike, all three of us cried and hugged. Well, little Freddie had a hard time hugging, but the rest of us, it felt more like coming home after being away. Being away for both of us. She picked up the nickname little Freddie because she has been spending so much time in his arms. He showed me that family is not about blood."
"He made it a point of not talking about you. We both steered away from it. I thought that he needed to let me work on myself, and his job was not to push me, but to give me the freedom to work things out. I kept exploring things, I did not waste that time. I don't think that he would have let me anyway."
"He let me bring you up when I felt I needed to, and then listened. I also brought up Corey and I really was able to explore it, all of it, with out censure. That was real important. The only thing I want to share right now is that I know now that our generation did not invent non-missionary sex." She chuckled while I play groaned.
"By listening, he allowed me to see what I had done to you. Occasionally, I would ask a direct question and he would answer, but mainly he let me talk."
"As you can guess, Mom started spending less and less time at the apartment. Somehow, she got a bit of money and was taking full advantage of it. I think that she will move out by the end of next month if her latest paramour holds up. I've been expecting it for a couple of months now."
"To be honest, I really was not ready to see you or talk with you so soon. But my one experience in going out to a movie frightened the hell out of me. Rape would have been one thing, murder another, but leaving behind Freddie was much worse. He called you was over my objections, but Dad changed my mind. He brought up little Freddie and did Guilt Trip 101 on me. It worked, and it worked within 2 seconds."
"I do not think that I ever really thanked you for what you did last week. You had two scared people here, all trying to protect the third. You put yourself off to the side and helped us. After leaving me and the divorce, that cheating bitch of a wife, and I do mean self-centered bitch level 9 out of 10, and cheating level 15 out of 10, you stayed and helped. You helped so much."
She paused for a minute while she, and I, caught our breaths. I was watching tears roll down her cheeks. I felt something wet on mine.
"Does that answer your question?"
I waited a few second then said "I had a question?" with a straight face, for about 2 seconds, then tried unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh, then came out with one of the biggest belly laughs that I have had in years. Cathy followed right behind me. We laughed and more tears came, but these were tears of relief. There was a weight taken off our shoulders. Things were not solved, but we were talking. Actually she had talked, and it was real. I knew that it was going to be my turn.
"So, I see that you still have a way to monopolize the conversation don't you?" Then we both went on laughing for another round until our sides ached. I felt that such a load was taken off my being. I finally had some sense of why for many things. I was also able to see that she grew.
"Well, it is your turn to ask a question Cathy. What is it?" It was now my turn to be concerned. There were many things that I did not want to talk about. I was hoping that I did not have to say that a question that was off limits. But this time she smiled.
"I actually have two questions. It is not a two-parter, but if you could give me this, you can go for two if there is a next turn." Her face grew worried when she said the last thing. After clearing her throat, she asked "1, How is it that money that you have signing control over keeps getting into what used to be our checking account and that my student loans were paid off. And now 2, really, why did you stay and help us so much this week."
"Cathy, it is not a two-parter, it is all about the same thing, just different sides. I am going to tell you about what I did to prepare for your shower, actually, a reveal, the public humiliation to end our marriage. I am not going to talk about this with malice in my heart, but am going to be honest and open."
"Those months before and during your pregnancy, I could not be honest, could not be who I am. I hated doing that and have vowed to never do it again. That tore my being apart slightly less than you tore my being apart. Some of these things that I will say, I have already asked and received permission to share with you if you were ever to ask and I was ever to see you. Other parts, I am going on my own. Hang on."
I took a deep breath while looking into her sorrowful eyes, and began. "I had nothing to do with providing any money into your checking account or to you in any way. None of it is mine. It was nothing that I suggested, asked people for, nothing. It was from people, directly or indirectly, people who care about little Freddie here and feel that they can help. I have only been the conduit. I was trustworthy."