Sam and Cara's story was a familiar one. They married young and happy and divorced several years later disillusioned, angry and spiteful. The interesting thing was that part of their divorce agreement stated that they should meet together every six months for three years. The date, time and location were all spelled out. This story is Sam and Cara's takes on those meetings and how they developed.
Sam
It was six months ago that Cara and I split up. It feels like both yesterday and like it happened years ago. I was nervous about seeing Cara again. I was afraid that I would either cry with frustration or get kicked out of the restaurant for yelling at her.
She walked into the diner and came to my table and plunked herself down opposite me. She hadn't changed much. She was always a bit thin but she looked a bit more so today. She wore her red hair long and curly, naturally red and curly. She also had a redhead's temper. She wore jeans and a college sweatshirt. Here are my recollections of the conversation.
"Hi Cara."
"Hi Sam."
"How are you doing these days? I haven't heard anything from you since that day in court."
"Nope, we divorced remember. We don't need to communicate any more, not that we ever did much of that anyway."
"It might have been nice to know that you were okay. I didn't even know whether you found a place to live after we sold the house. I kept my old phone but apparently you ditched yours and got a new one with a different number."
"Well Sam, contacting you was pretty well at the top of my "don't want to do" list." Any communication with me should still be done through my lawyer.
"So where are you living Cara?"
"None of your concern. I am settled into an apartment."
"Me too. Work has been tough. the divorce screwed with my mind. It has been hard to concentrate on my job so getting lots of flack from the higher ups."
"Poor Sam, quit feeling sorry for yourself. The divorce was as much your idea as mine. You could have fought to keep us together but you chose divorce."
"I could say the same for you. We agreed mutually that the marriage was pretty much toast. Neither of us thought counseling would have helped so we agreed to the nuclear option. I am not afraid to admit to you that after the divorce my life has been fucking miserable. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I care enough about you to hope that your experience has been better than mine."
"I am not afraid to admit my life after divorce is just as shitty as yours. I had to take a pay decrease because business sucks, plus inflation made it impossible to keep my first apartment. I had to move in with someone and split the cost of rent."
"Who are you living with Cara?"
"What's it to you ex-husband? Afraid I have found a nice horny man to live with? Maybe getting my needs met for once? Well let me kill that fantasy right there. I moved in with a woman named Margaret. No needs other than shelter are being met."
"Speaking of needs Cara, are you seeing anyone"
"No, and it's none of your business anyway. As for you Sam, I don't give a shit if you are seeing anyone or not. You aren't mine anymore so you are free to do as you please."
That pretty much covers my take on the meeting. It was short and bitter.
Cara
I really didn't want this six month meeting. I didn't want to face Sam again. This divorce was supposed to be so simple. We owned a house which would be sold. After the mortgage got paid off we were left with little. Our jobs paid roughly the same so no alimony. We had no children. It should have been a piece of cake. So why did it seem to drag on and on. It made our uncomfortable marriage into an almost hate filled existence. When it was over and done we were both wounded and needed time to heal. In my opinion I think the six month meeting is far too soon.
I feared that this meeting would bring back the animosity for each other and I wasn't wrong.
I was a bit surprised that Sam was struggling at work. He seemed so cool and distant during the divorce, I thought he was cool with everything but I guess it was eating him alive too. Would Sam have fought to stay in our marriage if I had encouraged him to? I guess I will never know.
My closing thoughts on this first session? Big whoop. We are both losers in this game. See you again in six months Sam, don't take time to write.
SIX MONTHS LATER
Sam
The diner is still here. The sky is still blue and sea is green and once again Cara and I have our Luncheon date. I have been thinking about it like a date rather than a meeting.
I spiffed up a bit. I put on a button up shirt, light blue and dark blue slacks with a knife edge crease thanks to my dry cleaners. My hair was properly combed and I had a fresh shave and even used some of her favorite aftershave. Why was I going through all this bother for a woman who was an ex-wife?Someone who seemed to hate the ground I walked upon and cursed the air I breathed.
Maybe I just wanted to project an image of a man who had himself together rather than the lonely and hurting man I was inside.
Cara came into the diner right on time. She wore jeans that were a little less baggy than she had six months ago. She wore a more form fitting sweater as well. It was a good look on her. Unfortunately the nicer clothes couldn't disguise the stress wrinkles that had formed on her face.
"Hi Cara, you are looking good."
"Looks are deceiving Sam. But you are looking good too. Is that my aftershave too? Wow, you must have some ulterior motives. Should I swoon?"
"Just trying to be nice and make this meetup pleasant Cara, no secret agenda."
So, it has been a year since we ended our marriage and six months since we last met. What is new, what is happening in your life?"
"You never cared about what I was doing while we were married so why the sudden interest now?"
"For God sakes Cara give it a rest! I care about you and your wellbeing. I want to hear about you. Damn it, you won't give me any contact information so I can't communicate unless it is through your lawyer or at our six month meeting."
"Okay, sorry I snapped at you but I am still bitter over how my life fell apart just because we couldn't get past ourselves. If our marriage had ended as the result of an affair then yeah, it would be done like dinner. But neither of us played around. I know I didn't and Im pretty sure you didn't."
"I have had some...training, have you heard of "death by a thousand cuts?"
"No, sounds ike a Kung Fu movie title."
" If enough small cuts, say 1,000, are made on a person it can kill them. No single cut is big enough to kill but a thousand small ones will. It is cumulative."
"Okay, I think I see but how does that apply to us?"
"Let me use another metaphor. Picture a rain barrel. Every time you and I would argue or complain a drop of water would drip into the rainbarrel. So I get home from work late, one drop, I forget to take the garbage out, one drop. None of these are marriage-ending actions. Yet add years and years of them and soon the rainbarrel is full. Then one day a small infringement come along and it is the one drop too much and it overflows. It wasn't the last thing that happened. It was the accumulation of all those things that caused the death of our marriage. So how could we have avoided the overflow? Simple, empty the rainbarrel. You empty the rain barrel by recognizing the small infractions and apologizing for them, making up for past wrongs and forgiving each other."
"Wow, I never thought of it like that. it makes sense. We never looked at all the small things. We just let them build up. You said you had training?"
"Yeah, I had to see a psychologist. I wasn't adjusting to single life very well. I was in and out of depression and started having some massive panic attacks. I got to a point that I thought life wasn't worth the effort. That's when I broke down and admitted I needed help. My doctor explained those two metaphors to me and they really helped me to see where you and I failed. More importantly it showed me how to avoid these kinds of things from building up."
"Sam, have you been dating? are you thinking of marrying someone? Is that why you are eager to find out why we failed, so you wouldn't do it again in a new relationship?"
"Cara there has been no one serious since you. I dated a few times but they just didn't interest me. My need to know why we failed is important to me. How about you, any dating?"
"A couple of guys. One an unmitigated disaster and the other who wanted me as a cum dump not a girlfriend. That was a non-starter. So no one really. Margaret keeps telling me we need to step up our game but I think I'm sick of playing.
Listen, I've got to go but you have given me some great food for thought. Take care and we will be in touch."
