Diary of a Broen Heart

...or "Amazing weeks in the Fall '09".

Why two titles for the post? Right now it's the former but I know myself well enough to recognize in a few more days or maybe weeks it will be called the later.

This is a little therapeutic for me so I hope some of you pretty girls don't mind if I publish a little story. Maybe you might like it and if you do I hope you'll let me know that you want more? Maybe you can help me get over this little thing that I'm writing about?

First allow me to introduce myself. Now as a budding writer I think the key to any good story is character development but to avoid the risk of sounding too self absorbed I'll let you know something. You can skip down to the paragraph that starts out "So this is where my story starts..." the actual memories that I'm going to hold on to for this story starts right around there. You can always come back here if you want to get to know me better. I'm smiling as I write that because I'm being flip. I hope if your a pretty girl you get a grin to.

I'm a married 35 year old guy. Married my college sweetheart and we've been "living the dream" for over a decade. We have 2 beautiful kids that I'm madly in love with. I may not be a good husband but I know first hand what a bad father is. I like to think that I'm a good dad. I'm not so clueless that I don't recognize that being a great father also means being a great husband, its one of the areas that needs improvement in my parenting skills I guess.

I'm not a big man only about 5'5" and right around 155lbs. I am reasonably fit but I'm not quite ready to run a marathon just yet.

I'm not a terribly handsome guy either maybe I'm a solid 6.5 out of 10. So I like to think that I don't scare small children as I walk down the street but then again maybe that's just my own ego protecting me from the truth. In general when I go to the bar I can usually get 1 out of 5 girls that I ask to let me buy them a drink and they will humor me by letting me flirt and make silly passes at them until the drinks gone. Then about 1 out of 5 of those girls will want to hang out until closing time. That's kind of a ball park gauge on what I'm like physically?

I like to have fun to the point where it sometimes affects my better judgment. I like to relive my fraternity days and binge drink when I'm at the club. But I'm old enough to know to stop before I'm at the curb getting sick. I like to dance and have a good time, I don't go out to impress folks. Just to act the fool and have fun.

Personality wise I'm kind of a clown and I don't take anything very seriously. I like to joke around and poke fun at my friends and I am more than happy to roll with the punches when they return the favor in kind. I actually like it when folks are comfortable enough to exchange banter with me, as long as they have thick skin. I can give as good as I get.

I'm a pretty good listener and generally speaking folks are pretty comfortable around me and its not unusual for me to become involved in somewhat intimate conversations. Women I've had relationships with haven't found my company very burdensome. I'm somewhat empathetic I think its one of the things that has allowed me my small successes both professionally and personally.

I'm reasonably intelligent although I'll admit to doing a stupid thing once in a while. I'm a working professional and have a job that is a bit stressful but I know I'm not saving lives or anything.

I'm a gentleman with a bit of a naughty streak. Okay I'm a gentleman that is a sex addict or something. I love women and being with women. I'm a bit of a freak and the list of things I've done is kind of long but the list of things I still want to do is even longer. My number of partners isn't anything out of the ordinary but I don't really know what the statistics are. 10 is my number and those have all happened since I was 21 when I had my first experience with my wife.

So this is where my story starts, now that you have gotten to know me a little bit.

I recently posted an ad on craigslist. I was honest and let everyone know that I'm married and wasn't looking for anything serious but didn't want a "one nighter" either. I wanted to develop an ongoing relationship with a fun charismatic woman that I might have some good chemistry with. I tried to inject a bit of my own personality into the ad along with an idea of what I was looking for.

To my surprise I actually got a few real responses. This is the story of what transpired between me and one of the ladies that I actually got to know. From beginning to end the relationship only lasted 4 or 5 weeks but it was pretty intense for me and very memorable.

She sent a message saying how true the ad was and that it made her laugh. Of course I responded that I hope she is going to be willing to correspond further and not call it quits after such a promising compliment.

Pretty quickly another email came back to me asking me about myself and what I was looking for etc. She wrote very well and I could tell there was a bit of a mischievous flirty streak in her that was instantly appealing. I was also reasonably sure she was not going to be very attractive. My luck just doesn't run that way when it comes to blind date scenarios. I'm a bit of a flirt myself and I responded appropriately, if she laughed then maybe there might be something worth pursuing as far as having similar sense of humors go.

Several emails were exchanged during the course of the next day or two. When the 1's and 0's were flying back and forth over the Internet things seemed to be progressing very nicely. I was enjoying having her messages in my in box. They ranged from mundane experiences in fitness, which happened to be a shared hobby, to more racy emails about what might happen if there was any chemistry in real life.

I wish I could share more about her character here, the whole character development thing again, but I don't want to incriminate her. She has reason to be discreet and I'll respect that in our story. She was coming across as a very fun Lady up to this point.

Oddly enough no requests for photos, or "pics" as us lazy email addicted folks like to call them, came through. I was starting to look forward to getting out of my house and to my cube where I can check my email. This was about 3 days after our initial email introductions.

Then she offered to let me call her. We spoke only very briefly and her voice was pleasant and genuine. She was relaxed and it was almost like talking to a real life friend. A good first impression that is for sure. I hoped she liked putting a voice to the emails as well.

Now for you ladies that are hoping for a purely romantic story without any graphic images your going to be disappointed starting about now. Feel free to send me a scathing critique about how I ruined a good story for you.

So the weekend came and I was sneaking onto my email to check for new messages. For me this is about the time things took a decided turn. I would be responding to her email and unexpectedly would find that my boxers are getting wet with pre-cum. I don't even have a full erection but my body is still responding to our email exchanges subconsciously.

Her emails made it seem like things were reciprocal in this budding relationship. So we took the next logical step and exchanged photos. I was sure that I wouldn't hear from her again because after I saw hers I was just this side of amazed, she was a really attractive woman.

I was more than delighted when I checked my email and there it was. "In-box (1)" my heart rate picked up a little bit. You know the feeling when you get kind of excited and you can feel your pulse pick up in your inner ear? That's kind of how I felt at the moment. It was a Saturday or a Sunday and I didn't have time to respond but I wish I could have. I had to compose myself a bit before going back out to the living room with the family. My logical side recognizes how lecherous that is but the romantic poet in me also has some appreciation for the moment.

The email correspondence was limited since we both had some family obligations to maintain. It was kind of a long weekend for me, and she said it was for her as well. I gave the benefit of the doubt and took the message at face value. She was having fun with this thing we had going on as well.

I don't know if you can tell or not but I like to write and it provides a good outlet for me to relieve stress and "exercise my demons" so to speak. So in the past I had written some sexy stories and shared those efforts with her. She said she liked them and they turned her on enough that she read them more than once. If anything were to happen I think we would make good lovers as I only write things that I would like and which might show the kind of lover I am in real life.

When Monday came around I left to go to work about 30 minutes early. I was looking forward to Monday. How often does that happen for anyone? She didn't let me down there it was again in big bold letters "In-box (x)" some new messages!

Some were more flirtatious than others. There was always something in them that made me smile and got me more than just a little sexually excited. Okay to be honest about 15 minutes after reading messages, some more than once, I was really horny.

This continued on for a few more days and in the middle of the day on a work day my Lady friend suggested we try and meet up that evening. I had an excuse to get out of the house so I could be away for a few hours and of course I agreed.

I helped put the kids to bed and then headed out. We planned to meet and take a walk. The agreement was that there would be no expectations other than making a new friend.

Its almost hard to write this as I'm still kind of smarting from the fact that its all over already. Now I really know what they mean when they say "sick to my stomach" and referring to stressful events in life.

I was terribly nervous about being a disappointment to her. I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car and stood up and walked to the rear bumper. If she was around she could see me by now and I waited for a few seconds but those few brief moments felt quite a bit longer. I was afraid she would see me standing there and decide not to get out of her car to come say hi.

My eyes moved across the parking lot and I saw a petite little brunette step out of a car and start walking my way. My heart rate was picking up and I smiled at her, watching for any reactions that might give away her first thoughts as she finally saw me in person. I was really impressed by how good she looked, incredibly attractive. I extended my hand as I said "Hi Rachel" (that's not her name but maybe I'll call her that for now.)

She took my hand and greeted me in kind, but she took this kind of bouncing step away from me like she was afraid I was going to take liberties if she got too close. I was instantly bummed because I thought for sure that was a sign that I "wasn't really her type." So I took a deep breath and got ready to find a place on Rachel's "friends" list. Not what I was hoping for but not really an unenviable place to be I guess.

Now for the next part I don't really remember the exact words so even though I'm using quotes they might not be exactly right. The general idea of the conversation is still there though.

"Shall we walk this way?!" she asked as she took the lead out of the parking lot.

"I don't know this area very well so you be the fearless leader." Besides that she had a really shapely bottom and I didn't mind following her lead at all!!!

At this point in my mind I figured we would walk around the block once and be back in the parking lot to our cars in the next 15 minutes. She was way out of my league as far as how good looking she is. You know when you are out and about and you see that really attractive gal walking hand in hand with that fella that seems like he doesn't really match very well when it comes to good looks? I know what that dude feels like now.

I have to laugh after I read that again because thinking about it I probably have known what that guy felt like years ago. Most of the women I've had any type of relationship were more beautiful than me by a long shot. Rachel was a bit different though she's a real knockout!

So she took me for a walk and we are talking about our past relationships and the conversation occasionally turned to our past indiscretions as well. She didn't have as many partners as me but she had been heartbroken before. I had gotten to "know" more women than she had men. That's "know" as in the Genesis sense of the word.

We also talked about whats missing from our marriages and we were kind of in the same boat on the hows and whys in that department. A full 30 minutes had gone by and we were still walking. Nowhere near the parking lot. Before I knew it we had gone down the street and doubled back and took another path leading away from the parking lot. Whats going on? If she wasn't that interested why is she making the walk last longer?

If you haven't figured it out by now I'll tell you I'm really bad at reading the signs of what a woman is wanting, or will accept, from me. I really don't want to make a girl that's nice enough to let me enjoy her company uncomfortable. So I won't make any moves unless there is a clear "green light".

Now having said that when I tell you what happens next you'll probably think I'm an idiot. Maybe I am when it comes to this sort of thing. I know it proves me wrong about both being reasonably intelligent and somewhat empathetic I guess. Those are still badges that I'll give myself anyway.

So "Rachel" is guiding our little walking date and she takes us to a path which leads to a loading dock of an abandoned building. Its dark and secluded and affords lots of privacy. She asks me if I'm going to use this opportunity to take up being a axe murderer. I had to tell her that she strikes me as a petite but scrappy little lady and I wouldn't want to take my chances with her. She laughs and it wasn't the first time I earned a laugh out of her. I really liked it when I could make her smile.

The thing is whenever I'd make a silly pass at her and try and flirt a bit, similar to what I would send in an email, her response would be roll her eyes to the back of her head and shrug it off. She didn't reciprocate at all! Chicks are weird.

Then right there where nobody can see and we are both pretty much completely alone she wants to sit down and talk. Was this the sign I was looking for? I really wanted to kiss her or at least put an arm around her and pull her in close. We are sitting on a curb just talking and getting to know one another. She was on my left and I tried to lean back against a brick wall and was about two heartbeats away from letting my arm rest behind her. Then she bumped into it as she leaned back and I pulled it out of the way, my heart pounding in my chest and my ears almost burning from my pulse hammering away.

The conversation is pretty innocent and friendly for another 20 minutes or so and then it starts sprinkling. "We better go...I don't want you to get wet...er actually I do but I mean I don't want you to get rained on." I hit that one out of the park!!! I was really proud of my wit and charm there!

Of course I get the rolled eyes again. Damn this was a really tough audience, I was instantly deflated. She didn't even try to play along! As we stood up though I realized I was really turned on by Rachel. The front of my boxers were really damp and as soon I got to my feet I felt the wet coolness against the sensitive skin on that part of my anatomy.

We were about 4 or 5 blocks from the parking lot and headed back. I could have stayed for a while more but there were folks waiting for us at home. The conversation on this little date ranged from philosophical, to historical, to meaningless and I enjoyed all of it. As we are walking back I didn't have the courage to do anything in the abandoned lot but I could certainly say what I wanted to do! "I really don't know whats going through your mind right now but when we were back there I didn't want anything more than to hold you close and kiss you." Now when you read that it might sound like it came out okay. However, if you were to hear it try to imagine a stuttering village idiot. Forest Gump delivered his "I love you jenny..." speech more smoothly than I did that single sentence.

"Oh I know you did, us women we know these things!!!" Great Confirmation that we're just friends? Geeze there should be a manual for this kind of thing.

About 3 blocks left and Rachel took my hand in hers!!! What the fuck?!?!? Pardon my french. I was hoping I could get through my little literary opus without cursing but that is really the only thing I could say that adequately describes my surprise. I felt myself relax quite a bit as I was starting to think I was on ground that felt at least a little familiar. I really didn't want to be so close to the parking lot now!

My heart was racing even though my mind was starting to quit wondering what was going on. We finally got to the car and I was holding both her hands facing her as her back was to her driver side door.

"So you think this is something you might want to do again?" She asks me.

"Seriously?!?!? Are you kidding me...do you really need to ask?" Is what was going through my mind.

I wish I could write about how I didn't bother answering but instead grabbed her into my arms and pressed my lips against hers. That's what I should have done. Instead what really happened was more like this:

"Of course, I had a great time with you," as I got in a little closer to her. "Can I get a kiss?" I asked it like the dumb-ass that I am. I should have just taken it and skipped the formalities!

I leaned in and did wrap my arms around her and felt her tight little body against mine. It was wonderful as I pressed my lips against hers and slid my tongue into her mouth. She took my lower lip in hers and licked it like she was tasting me. I grabbed her hips so I could pull her tighter against me as I pressed forward backing her up against the car. She was pinned between my body and the car and she was tasting my mouth when I pulled my lips away and moved them to her neck just under her ear and slide my tongue along her skin. I moved my hand up the back of shirt so I could feel her skin under my fingertips and touch her small little body. A little moan escaped her lips and I was really turned on by being able to get this kind of reaction out of such a gorgeous girl.

I had to grind my hips into her so I could feel my now rock hard penis press against her body. I moved my mouth back to hers as my whole chest tightened up and I had to let out a breathy groan. My heart was about to beat out of my chest as adrenalin started rushing through me. It was amazing to say the least. I felt her hands on my chest as my own hands were moving higher up her back stroking her skin and giving me leverage to pull her tight. She pushed me away and I was glad that she was a bit breathless as well.

She was surprised and I was flattered when she felt my chest and noticed that I wasn't too terribly flabby. "Whats this?!?!" she said as she pressed her forehead against my body leaning against me.

"What? what? " I asked feeling a bit of an alarm in the back of my head.

Her hands moved up and down the front of my body over my shirt. "Your like kind of stacked!!! I had no idea!!" She breathlessly kind of chuckled as I thought to myself "Cool she thinks I have a good body!!"

"We should really get going. Its already a bit later than I expected to be out."

I felt my heart beat going like I had just gotten off of the treadmill after a 45 minute run or something. "Okay I'll let you go. I'll email you when I can meet up again?" I started to pull away. I was shaking from the adrenaline pumping through me. I turned around to walk back to my car shaky legs and all.