"Can't get it up anymore and scared your wife will leave you for a younger, fitter man?"
-Call 1800-GetHard Today!
On the left of these obnoxious words is a balding man with a pudgy stomach, holding his head in his hands in regret. On the right is a young man with a six pack, his arm around what must be the guy's wife.
I can feel the eyes of the young man taunting me as I drive past the billboard ad.
You think Zoe's going to stay with someone like you fatty? She already stopped having sex with you, and soon her plump lips will be wrapped around my di-
I slam my hand onto the wheel, cursing so loudly the kids in the car next to me look at me in amazement. Now, thoroughly embarrassed, I speed up, my determination to fix my marriage even stronger.
"What seems to be the issue Jack?" asks Gordon. We've been bestfriends since high school, but instead of going into finance like me he became a doctor.
We're in his office now, and although he knows everything about me I can't help but scratch at my wrists and look away.
"C'mon, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong. Don't forget I also have paying patients waiting on me.
I sigh and look up at him. I've always been extremely prideful, but if I want things to change I guess I have to drop it.
"I want to have sex with my wife," I say in a hurry.
Gordon squints his eyes at me and raises his hand.
"So why are you here with me instead of giving it to her?" he asks.
This is even more embarrassing, but if I decided to come here I might as well go all the way.
"I want to, I really do. I just can't get it up anymore," I almost whisper.
Gordons mouth opens into an O. Realizing that I'm serious, he grabs the chair in front of me and sits down. The look on his face is one of pure sympathy. God I feel pathetic.
"Are you still attracted to her?" he asks
"100%. That's never stopped."
The answer blurts out of my mind without any thought. Ever since I met her on campus there hasn't been a single soul I've found more attractive.
"Let me run a quick physical on you before I give any advice.
10 minutes pass as he runs me through a basic exam. He asks the usual questions, records my height, weight, blood pressure, and some vitals are checked off before we sit back down.
"You're my best friend, so I'm going to give it to you frank, okay"
I nod.
"To put it simply, you're out of shape. Don't feel bad about it, most people our age are."
It feels like a bucket of cold water was thrown on me, finally waking me up. I look down at my stomach and shudder in disgust.
There had been a time where I was one of the best high school quarterbacks in the nation and had the body to prove it. Replacing that was a belly that protruded over my jeans.
Gordon must sense how bad I feel because he puts his hand on my shoulder.
"It's normal to gain a bit of weight, especially after you've had kids. You put all of your love and attention to them, and that's something you and them will always admire. It's time to redirect that love and attention towards yourself if you want to get that spark back with Zoe."
Jesus I'm pathetic.
Sure, what Gordon said is true, but he has kids just like me and still has a banging body that makes people stare when we go to the beach together.
"How'd you keep the weight off?" I ask as I wipe away the tears that are beginning to gather.
Gordon takes his hand off my shoulder and starts scratching at the back of his head, the same way he always does when he's nervous.
"Ah, you know, this and that," he murmurs.
One of my favorite things about Gordon is that he is a terrible liar. I've won so much money off him during our poker nights it's ridiculous.
"C'mon, tell me please. Don't you want your bestfriend's marriage to succeed? Or would you prefer if Zoe left me? I bet I won't do so well, seeing as the kids are all in college now. Who knows what I'll do by myself? I have a ton of whiskey, and I might just drink myself to-"
"Ok ok, just stop," he says, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Internally I applaud my performance. I still got it, baby.
"Not a word to anyone but Zoe, you hear me? And when you tell her make sure she doesn't pass it to anyone. The medical world is smaller than you'd think." His eyes are adamant, and I nod. Regardless, he's my bestfriend and all our conversations stay between us.
"Chloe and I have this... agreement. A couple years after our kids was born we noticed that our sex drive was really low, even after we got used to all the stress. Specialists couldn't help, but then one night we were drunk and spilled the beans to Tasha, her best friend. Little did I know Tasha's a dominatrix!"
"Huh? Tasha? The leader of the church's medical missionary? Organizes and holds food drives for the homeless every month, Tasha?" I ask.
"Mhmm, one and the same. She had clients who struggled with their sex drive, and usually it came back to one thing; confidence in themselves. She told us what I'm going to tell you now, and before you say that's crazy, just think about it."
I nod my head and move my hands in a circle, urging him to tell me already.
"A diet and workout plan with a twist. Whoever sticks to their goals the best gets to be the dominating one in the relationship for that weekend, and of course the loser's the sub. Or whatever works for you I guess."
I feel my mouth go slack as I take that in. Sure, I've checked out the BDSM category on porn sites, but it's so intense.
"Of course you start off slow, figure out what you're both comfortable with and interested in. I recommend this route because it provides a clear goal to stick to your routine every single day, which will help you lose fat, gain muscle, and provide much needed blood flow to your penis. You'll also be prompted to try new things in the bedroom, which can only serve to reignite that passion. Here, after you've discussed it with Zoe, go to this guy, and tell him I sent you. He'll have you both on a plan to get the bodies you so desire," says Gordon.
He scribbles the name and number of the guy, "Jackson" and ushers me out of his office.
