Della Meets An Incredible Fella

CHAPTER 1

Zane Maddox knew his publishing editor was getting her own back, the bitch. They'd had a couple of big rows because he was late sending in final chapters... 'Dragging his ball and chain,' she'd vented.

Apparently no other author had been courageous enough to call her a 'Loopy New York lesbo gone loco'. She'd screamed back abuse, quite the most disgusting language he'd ever heard from a woman, making his curled nape hair straighten.

And that was the end of that conversation.

Zane knew McNeil -- Christ, what a first-name -- but he supposed Jones her surname wasn't a stand-out moniker, had arrived in Chicago to Innes-Rand Publishing from New York twelve years ago. He hadn't known she was a lesbian until he applied that tag when calling her loco. Actually he still didn't know if the tag was apt. It was her fault; she'd riled him. He'd been out with the boys for a couple of days -- actually three weeks shooting wild dogs on the fringe of the dessert heartland of Australia when he arrived back home in an alcoholic haze to find thirteen emails from Miss McN Jones instructing him to call her urgently.

Well he'd written for seventy hours with scarcely any sleep and sent off the final chapters of his latest novel set in Madrid with the working title 'Noon is Time to Die' that fucking Miss McN Jones was publishing as 'Dangerous Siestas'. Grudgingly he had to admit her title was perhaps a cut above his. 'A title pregnant with implicit suspense' McNeill had said in the email (they no longer spoke by phone) soliciting his approval as required in his contract. He'd asked himself how would a lesbo know about pregnancy? And then grinned, asking how would he have known anything about Madrid if it hadn't been for tourist guides, web sites and Google maps?

Ever since Zane had become an Innes-Rand Publishing top ten author he'd been called to Chicago for the launch of his novels and McNeil had thoughtfully organized him a bit of skirt for what she called 'his week in civilization'. Her term for Australia -- she'd once spent forty-eight hours in Sydney -- was 'prehistoric'. But she'd never fronted for him, always being away or the PR manager said she'd been too busy. But Zane had worked out what that meant: the bitch clearly didn't like him or what she knew about him through his writing and the promo guff.

The babe holding up the sign at O'Hare for 'Mr Maddox' was beautiful, in fact ball-cracking beautiful but he cringed, muttering you 'Bitch McNeil'. The babe's tits were little more than a handful, though admittedly he did have big hands. McNeil had shrieked in laughter that first time when she offered to supply him a date and he'd said the babe must have tits as big as melons. She got the message but hedged, saying melons come in different sizes and he'd replied so did big tits.

"Oh god, Mr Maddox," said the child recognizing him. Well his photo was on the back cover of his novels.

"Yes Miss," Zane said, exaggerating an Aussie drawl.

She fluttered her falsies (eyelash extensions) and puckered her lush lips as if expecting a kiss. But 40-year-old Zane Maddox with day day's stubble didn't kiss juveniles.

"I'm your companion for your week in our country."

"That's fine. Does your mom know you are not at high school?"

"My mom sent me."

Zane reeled in alarm. McNeil was setting him up to have illegal sex with a minor, her own daughter. This would not do!

"What's your name honey?"

"Delphi Jones but everyone apart from mom calls me Della and that's my preference."

"Mine too Della. May I ask without sounding like a rude Australian, how old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

"You can't be!"

"I assure you I am Mr Maddox. I have grown up with a baby face and believed I'd shed that hindrance but you appear anxious to revive the curse."

"Twenty-six? But that means, um..."

"Means what Mr Maddox?"

"Um it's not something I can discuss with a young lady."

Della gave Zane a gut-tearing grin and said, "Mr Maddox, my mother warned me your are a naughty man but she thought it was time I was exposed to you. Apparently you have this peculiar idea that my mother is a lesbian. Really Mr Maddox."

"No... er... well we had words on the phone, she accused me of dragging my ball and chain which is a sensitive term to use on Australians and I... well I lost it."

Della smiled and asked what had he called her mom. He replied his memory didn't stretch that far and she said her mom had played her the tape to illustrate exactly the type of man Mr Maddox was. "As I recall it, you ranted she was 'a loopy New York lesbo gone loco'."

"I... er... was under pressure."

"Aren't we all Mr Maddox? I had to be incredibly brave to accept this assignment."

An American with a bloated belly and looking as if he'd have bad breath pushed his way in between Zane and Della and said, "Hi doll, I'm Terry Maddox."

Della, still holding up the greeting notice, cringed and turned pale.

Zane turned the hulk around and smiled. "Say pal, beat it otherwise I'll punch that fat gut of yours out through your ass."

Zane's potential victim hurried off.

"You really shouldn't address people in that derogatory manner but I must admit it worked brilliantly," Della chided.

"Thanks sweetheart, er, Della. I didn't want to spill his blood in front of you."

"Mom did warn me you appear straight out of a cave."

"But added I'm a really nice guy at heart?"

"No, she made no redeeming comment at all. In fact she warned me not to be within a mile of you after dark."

"Jesus."

"Pardon me."

"It's an expressive term used affectionately..."

"But a term not to be used in front of a lady or anyone religiously sensitive which in some gatherings and in some countries could mean just about everyone?"

"I'm afraid I haven't thought globally like that."

"And you call yourself an author. Ha!"

"No, other people do and although your mom hates me she knows my books are a great joy to her publishing house."

"My mom calls you an asshole, but says it affectionately."

"She does?"

"Yes but I'll be obliged if you don't mention I let that one slip."

"Oh no, you can trust me Della."

"Oh really?"

They rode to the hotel in a cab. Della said cabs were the best way to commute downtown and anyway she was not the best of drivers.

"Do you understand the principles of driving?"

"Yes, of course."

"Many females have difficulty driving because their clothing is too tight."

"Well that cannot apply to me. I usually wear little more than a dress."

The cab lurched and Zane caught the driver's eye in the interior rear-vision mirror and they exchanged grins.

"Did you not hear me?"

"Oh yes, where were we? Ah, I was thinking if I could get you out in wide open spaces in a vehicle and you wearing only a dress I could check out your driving and put you right."

"Meaning?"

"Make you a better driver."

"My dad has a ranch. I'll give him a call. He'll fly in and pick us up. We could stay overnight. He's a big fan of yours."

"Really?"

"He enjoys the way your heroes put down women. Mom goes home at weekends and he reads out those passages to her and disgusting sex passages and she shrieks in laughter but he's first gotten her drunk. Otherwise she'd be throwing plates at him."

"Are you aware my heroes redeem themselves by the final chapter when showing they can love and respect a woman?"

"Yes, I read three of your books."

"You read my books?" Zane said.

"Yes, mainly for the filthy sex."

The cab lurched, almost hitting another cab alongside it.

"Then make it the weekend. Being with you guys as a family might help you mom and I to understand one another a little better. "

"Do you like hunting?"

"Yeah, it's okay."

"Can you hold your liquor?"

"Yeah."

"I won't ask you the other obvious thing. You and dad and his helper should get along okay."

"But you're not sure about your mom and me away from the office?"

"No."

Zane grinned and said perhaps he should seduce her mom and then McNeil would know he didn't think she was gay."

"Attempt that and my father will put a bullet up your ass."

Their cab lurched and lightly hit the cab traveling alongside it. Della tossed money at the cabbie and told him to open the trunk. They were out of there to escape the likelihood of being witness who'd testify against their driver. The other cabbie arrived and had their cabbie by the throat. Zane dropped his bags and then dropped the aggressive cabbie with a single punch behind the ear.

"Oh god, grab your bags and run, follow me," yelled Della, taking off.

They were only a hundred yards from the building housing the publishing company and made an elevator just as the doors were closing. Della pushed the button marked 22 and she leaned against the wall shaking, and muttered, "Well mother did warn me."

"You're shaking," Zane said, taking her into his arms. She turned her face up to reply and he, ignoring other people in the elevator, kissed her. She struggled. She relaxed. She kissed him back and someone said, "This is the twenty-second."

* * *

McNeil Jones looked startled as they burst into her office. Noticing her daughter's flushed face and heavy breathing, she spat, "What has he done to you?"

"Nothing. Our cabbie hit another cab not far from here. The other cabbie reached through the window and began throttling our cabbie so Mr Maddox felled him with a single stroke."

"Oh Christ. Did anyone photograph you guys?"

"I don't think so but one never knows with cell phone cameras."

McNeil reached down to her bottom drawer and straightened up and placed a .45 revolver in front of her. "Maddox, I'm warning you. Lay a finger on my daughter and I'll put a slug up your ass."

"Jones I'll have yet to decide if your daughter is worth taking a slug up the ass."

"Oh Christ," McNeil wailed. "Has the world gone mad? Delphi, I don't want you within a mile of this man."

"Sorry mom, he's coming home with us this weekend and I have arranged his itinerary for tomorrow."

"Well I forbid you to see him after dark."

"Okay mom providing something doesn't crop up."

"What kind of answer is that?"

Zane said, "It's the kind of answer daughters always use to confuse their moms."

"Shut up you," McNeil spat and moved to pick up the gun but Zane leaped, grabbed it just before she could and rolled over the desk to stand back on his feet. He calmly said to McNeil, "Promise me you'll behalf like a responsible adult."

"Christ," said Della, still in shock at the speed and agility of Zane's move.

McNeil nodded to Zane and he held the gun by the barrel of the uncocked revolver and she repossessed it, smiling grimly. "So all this unarmed combat shit you write about is not shit?"

"Possibly it is but I keep in training if only to embarrass a mother in front of her daughter."

"I bet," McNeil said, putting the gun away.

"You don't such a bad body for a babe your age and your color looks great when you're angry."

"Mom don't," Della yelled as her mom bent to reopen the bottom drawer. "I've been under his influence a little; my thinking right now is he may not be the jerk you think he is. It's possible he's trained to apply aggression when in tight corners."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"It doesn't matter mom. I think he's okay."

"But he called me a loopy lesbo gone loco."

"Yes and you taped that. I'd like to listen to what came before that to provoke Mr Maddox."

"Don't you dare call him Mr Maddox. You are only doing that to provoke me."

"And you're diverting mother. I bet before he cut lose on you that you gave him a heap of foul language."

"I may have."

"In that case call off your restrictions on me associating with Zane."

"They're lifted but please keep your legs closed."

"Mother!"

"Ladies, could we please run through tomorrow's program and then I'll crash. I don't think you ought to try to sleep with me tonight Della as I could be a disappointment."

The two women stared at Zane Maddox, faces blank.

McNeil picked up her phone and quick dialed a number. "Hi sweetheart. Making good progress on drenching?"

"Good. Everything's fine here. We'll have an extra passenger on Friday, your favorite Australian author. Yes, that's the one. Your daughter is eyeing him like a heifer. It might be a good idea to give Rex work at the back of the ranch; I'd hate jealous Rex to kill our author who is a big money-spinner for this company. Bye darling. Yes I will."

McNeil said to Della, "Your father sends his love and says not to mess about with Mr Maddox unless you are serious."

"Why does he say that?"

"You know Rex thinks you're his girl."

"I've told him I'm not but he won't listen."

"Some men are like that darling. It's your fault for giving him a taste. Perhaps you should disappear."

Zane said something to rile McNeil. "Yeah, you could come back to Aussie with me."

"What, are you mad," McNeil screamed.

Della and Zane relaxed in their chairs to wait for McNeil to calm down.

* * *

As arranged Della called to pick up Zane at 6:00 for his first radio interview at 6:30 am. She stood uncertainly in the foyer but gave a big smiled when he grabbed and kissed her.

"I didn't think you'd be the type to shake hands," she giggled.

"You kiss beaut. I haven't had breakfast."

"I've ordered you coffee and bacon and cheese bagels at the first radio station. They allowed early morning celebrities to eat while being interviewed. They ask that you take small bites and quick swallows."

"Am I a celebrity?"

"The station's female PR certainly thinks so."

The two radio interviews went well as did the brief time on 'Good Morning America'. The interviews helped Della to learn a great deal about the guy under her charge. The man of mystery was turning into a well-etched character for her; perhaps the surprising findings were he possessed some charm and wit. Oh, he was one of those fellas who didn't allow women to get away with anything, unlike most guys a personal confession).

At 12:30 Zane arrived to address the Innes-Rand International Book Club that really was a book club of Chicago females but a few males and even a female foreign visitors often turned up.

The event had attracted a record attendance of 447. Della and Zane had arrived late because she'd taken him to be shaved and have his hair cut, explaining book club members were mainly conservative women who'd like their guest speaker to be 'clean, tidy and couth."

"Couth -- you mean refined?"

Della sighed and wiped his chin because he'd been eating a chili beans hamburger while having his hair trimmed under her direction. Zane had admired the young woman's style because when the Afro-American hairdresser complained, "You can't eat in here and not when I'm performing my expertise on your unruly hair," Della had said, "He's Australian" and the woman replied, "Oh, in that case it's okay."

Security brought out the book club president to meet them and when apologizing for lateness Della said creatively, "Your guest had a stomach upset; it must have been airline food." The elderly woman frowned and said, "Are you sure you two weren't having it off in a hotel room?"

That left Della wordless so Zane said grandly, "Ma'am please allow your suspicions to rest. Just say we were held up at a media conference."

"But that's not until 3:00," Della said and Madam President smiled triumphantly.

They were escorted into the hotel banquet room to taped music of the opening bars of 'Chariots of Fire' and Mrs Michaels made the introductions to great applause. She then said, "Della apologizes they had to stop somewhere for her to powder her nose. That took ninety minutes."

Mrs Michaels had to wait until a buzz of scandalized whispering went around the room in waves.

After Zane's brief address the first questioner wanted to know in detail what Author Maddox thought about women.

"So, you wish to know why my heroines are inevitably beautiful, tall, big-breasted and aggressive," Zane began, and his audience leaned forward expectedly.

"Well it sure beats having a short-ass ugly bitch-wimp leading the charge," he smiled and after a second of horrified silence a beautiful, big-breasted woman near the back yelled, 'Yeah!' and almost everyone broke into laughter.

"It's not that I'm against plain flat-chest women with a personality deficiency per se, because I've been intimately close-up to a few in times of real need like when I toured China," Mike said. The audience mostly loved it and thereafter he played them like the quintessential 'compleat angler'.

Zane received a standing ovation and beaming Madam President said, "Wasn't Mr Maddox sensational? Although he's Australian he managed to so eloquently and expertly interface with us to bring us to his conclusive statement, left unsaid, that he draws the characters of his literary females to what he believes we wish to read about and damn right he's right." She then presented the guest speak with a mounted phial of water from Lake Michigan.

"Er, um thank you for this... for this..."

"Inspired memorabilia" Della whispered.

"... for this inspired piece of memorabilia I shall always treasure."

For that Zane received another standing ovation.

As Della sat on a street seat holding Zane's paper cup of coffee while he attacked a hot dog, she purred, "You were magnificent Mr Maddox."

"Thank you Miss Jones. You are missing culinary art in not having a hot dog from a street vendor in America."

"I prefer to have my food from trusted providers Mr Maddox."

"But can you really trust even the highest rated restaurant or all food obtained from a myriad of suppliers by your trusted deli Miss Jones?"

"Oh god, why do we have to eat?" Della moaned, turning quite pale. "As you can see, I'm neither tall and am without heavy hangers and lack the assertiveness you favor in women."

"Yes Miss Jones, but think of my change in preferences if it's only you nearby in my hour of need. You know, you are the first auburn-haired woman I've courted."

Flushing, Della was more than a little interested in that comment, aware it had been more than two weeks since she'd last had sex. She hooked in his arm as they walked off.

"Ah Miss Jones. You are warming to this fella, he thinks."

"We'll be in time for the media conference," she hastened to say.

After the media conference Della went to O'Hare with Zane to ensure he boarded the correct aircraft for his flight to New York to visit his married sister. He thanked her and walked off to the boarding area but looking back spotted her still standing in that spot, a lonely figure. He strode back (like heroes should) and taking Della into his arms kissed her soundly. She pressed into him and when he let her go she stood panting and wailed, "Oh god."

He grinned, kissed her cheek sweetly and went off, not looking back.

CHAPTER 2

Della waved and attracted Zane's attention as he arrived back in Chicago on Friday afternoon. They kissed and she knew she'd put everything into it. He looked at her rather curiously so she said, "I couldn't believe you'd call me both nights."

"I don't know many people in America."

"Well yes, I understand that but you had your sister and her American family."

"Yes, but in bed and feeling lonely I thought of you."

Blushing Della looked around and said, "We have time for coffee to take the bus connection to another airport. Dad is not allowed to land here."

Forty minutes later they had both kissed McNeil who then introduced Zane to Dan, the tall, wiry white-haired guy with incredible blue eyes standing beside her.

"She calls you the bastard from Australia and yet you kiss McNeil?"

"Yeah but only if I catch her by surprise."

Dan grinned. They went out to the twin-engine Cessna.

"Ah, one of the reasons American ranchers have trouble making big bucks off the land."