Chapter Twelve: Paying the Piper
Hawk
I lay on my back staring at the ceiling in the dark. The euphoric glow of the previous evening had worn off as the events settled into my mind; replaced by a lingering and unrelenting sense of unease. I couldn't get the growing feeling of wrongness to go away. I'd gone too far. We'd gone too far.
Glancing at the clock, I saw that it was almost 5 am. I sighed and shook Gretchen gently. She half-way woke up and I whispered to her that I needed to use the bathroom. She sleepily let me out of bed and was asleep again before I had the covers settled back over her gorgeous form.
After I'd finished my business, I made my way quietly out onto the balcony. The sky was dark and the moon was nowhere in sight, but the ship churned the sea behind us into a glowing green arrow pointing back in the direction we'd come. Leaning against the rail, I mutely watched, closed my eyes, and let the smell of the sea fill my senses.
I didn't fall asleep, but I did zone out. A gentle touch on my shoulders brought me back to the here and now. Even before I opened my eyes I knew it was Gretchen. Her scent mingled with the ocean and her hands moved in a familiar, welcome pattern on my shoulders, half caressing, half massaging me. Her breath tickled the small hairs on the back of my neck as she kissed me there.
"Trouble sleeping?" she asked quietly as I turned in her arms and leaned against the rail.
I nodded. "Yeah."
We held each other silently for a few minutes before she stepped back. I followed her to the table and we sat next to each other. She didn't prompt me any further, letting me get my thoughts together. I was grateful for that. I already knew what I was going to say, but the delivery was just as important as the message. At least, that's what she was always telling me.
"Last night was a mistake," I said at last. "It might work for some people, but it's not right for me. For us."
She nodded slowly and took my hands in hers. "I suppose my views on sex, as opposed to love, colors my opinion, but if it made you uncomfortable we'll never do it again. I love you and I only want you to be happy. "
I shook my head. "It's not that simple. Let me talk it out and see if what I'm feeling makes any sense to you." I took a deep breath and pushed on. "I like our new friends well enough, but we crossed the line when we had sex with them. I had a good time, I admit, but it was still wrong. The more I've thought about it tonight, the clearer it became. I wish I had seen it as clearly beforehand."
I watched her closely, worried about how she'd react to that. I needn't have worried. "That does make sense," she said seriously. "I never want to hurt you. We'll talk with them at breakfast and politely put the brakes on." She smiled wryly. "I'll want to talk with Trish before that, though."
I shook my head again. "No, I told you she was fine, and I won't go back on that."
"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable..."
"No," I said again, cutting her off softly. "This is complicated. What I'm going to say may sound hypocritical but I want you to hear me out. You, or even me, having sex with Trish doesn't bother me. The idea of both of us having sex occasionally with Ted and Lisa doesn't bother me. Our having casual sex with people we like as friends bothers me."
I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands. "Don't get me wrong. I think we'll end up being good friends with Keven, Sandy and the Bellers, if last night didn't screw things up. I'm just not comfortable with casual sex and orgies. For me, sex and love are tied together. I love you with every fiber of my being, with a totality I never thought I'd find, and that sometimes scares me. I love Ted and Lisa, too but in a different way. It's completely hypocritical, but I don't want to cut them out of our bed completely. I just can't do anything like last night again."
"I don't think you're being hypocritical," she said, pulling my hand to her lips. "I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I don't understand about Trish, though. Shouldn't I step back from her along with the others?"
"No. You asked me ahead of time, I gave you my blessing, and you gave Trish your word. I won't have either one of us go back on a promise. This isn't a matter of jealousy. Trish doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. At least not now," I amended. "Besides, I owe her big time. She saved the most important person in my world."
Her face lit up in a smile and she pulled me against her. "I love you, Hawk."
We held each other until the sun rose. Then we made our way past the still-sleeping Trish and showered together. Now this was how it was supposed to be.
-----
I let Gretchen wake Trish up so they could talk privately while I went out to see who else was up for breakfast. It turned out we were the ones being slow this morning. Everyone else was already up. Ted and Lisa were sitting at the table talking quietly with the Bellers.
BP, or before pregnancy, I'd have flipped a chair around and used it as a shield. But I'd have ended up on the floor if I did, so I sat down and quirked a smile. "I know how people hate this phrase, but we have to talk."
Lisa raised an eyebrow. "I was just about to say the same thing. You go first." The others looked at me attentively.
By the time I was done with telling them how I felt, they were nodding. Lisa grabbed my hand when I finally ran down. "Hawk, we couldn't agree more. That pretty much repeats the conversation we were having just before you came out."
"Don't get us wrong," Jo said, "last night was an amazing experience, but it was a one time thing for Earl and me."
Keven and Sandy nodded in agreement. "Sandy and I feel the same. We want to be friends, hopefully close friends," he paused and gave us a wry smile, "but maybe not that close. I'm glad we all came to our senses."
I couldn't have agreed more. We talked a little more and decided to keep the sleeping arrangements as they were. The common room, however, was off-limits for intimate relations.
Gretchen and Trish came out of the bedroom a few minutes later. I smiled broadly at Trish and held my arms up for a hug. She came to me uncertainly and I smothered her with a hug and a kiss on the lips. "It's okay. We're all okay. Park it."
She smiled shyly and sat down on Gretchen's other side. Ted and Lisa's smiles made her relax even more. "Good. I was worried. I don't want to be any trouble."
Changing the subject, I filled them in on the investigation so far. Skip's room had been tossed thoroughly. Everything had been dumped on the floor, probably while looking for something under the drawers. My bet was whoever did it was looking for the disk that Skip had waved around. I personally thought there was something more important on it than a dirty story. And judging from the disaster in Skip's room they hadn't found it. De Luca and his people were starting to look for prints and other forensic clues when I left for dinner. Hopefully the ship's search would wrap up this morning.
Once everyone had been updated, I made shooing motions. "Now you know everything. Go get breakfast and keep your eyes open."
Everyone but Gretchen left for the dining room. She motioned for me to stay and waited for everyone to leave before speaking. "I'm proud of you."
I raised an eyebrow. "For what?"
"For telling them all how you felt and not letting it get you worked up."
I grinned. "Yeah, I guess I do get on a roll when I'm upset. Usually. It must be a drop in my hormones or something." I took her hand in mine. "I want to eat somewhere alone, just the two of us. You want to try the sixties diner upstairs?"
"That sounds perfect."