CHAPTER 1
Darcy Farnsworth was tiring of world travel and seeking to be hired to do whatever when within sight of his last dollar, Euro, Rand or funny money if he were in one of the smaller nations.
Derrick -- or Darcy as everyone including his mom called him -- had left home three years after graduating to see how the other half lived. It was now 'been there, done that' and nothing to show for it and worrying that all the good babes at home would have been snapped up. Well, perhaps he'd find a guy. Oh yuck, it was time he was back home working at a real job and gaining experience in responsibility. His father emailed him once a month and always ended up saying it was time he was back home...blah, blah, blah. His mom emailed him weekly and was even more determined to make him feel homesick. This latest bid was a supreme effort.
Opening his mother's email again at the traveler's email booth at the railway station in northern Australia, Darcy felt tumultuously homesick, really giving in to it for the first time in three years. "Oh mom, I really love you," he wheezed, wiping away a tear that was attracting tropical flies of the worrying kind. Mom's email was a real tear-jerker:
'Darcy, come home and get married. Most of your friends have gotten married and your two sisters had weddings you failed to attend. Now babies are beginning to appear but sadly Louise and Dallas are not pregnant yet. My thinking is your wife would become pregnant as soon as you looked at her, or is that just me with my huge grandmother potential just being stupid? I thought I might try to become pregnant myself but your father told me to stop being ridiculous and get on with middle age. You and your father are so alike Darcy, so insensitive. Every night I dream of holding your child in my arms while I stroke her red hair and she looks at me through her freckles with her trusting blue eyes. Oh I can't stand time standing still like this. Come home and get married Darcy. Diane, xxxxx.'
Brushing away flies, Darcy looked at the younger females and the lonely-looking older women but that all looked away quickly, or didn't even look at him. Who could blame them? His greasy hair was over his collar, his clothes were worn and dirty and his teeth were yellow. An older man with pink cheeks and a mincing walk looked at him, staring very intensely. Darcy buried his face in front of the computer screen and replied to his mom's email:
'Mom. I'm near penniless on my way down to Brisbane to find work. Your email worries me. You sound soulless, in danger of losing your marbles. Top up my card, I'm coming home on your terms. US$3700 should do it.'
Darcy looked at the screen in satisfaction. That ought to do it. She'd either top up his card with $4000, which meant he could buy new clothes and eat and sleep in style for a couple of nights or she could tell him to get fucked, not that she ever spoke to him like that. He pressed SEND, picked his yellow teeth and then went off to find a stack of pancakes.
Darcy qualified for the mile high club on the flight to LA. His Darcy hair was beautifully styled, his teeth polished back to white and his clothes were sharp. The aircraft wasn't full and after midnight a flight attendant found him awake and sat beside him to chat. They laughed, she was Australian and very cute. He put an arm around her and she attempted to pull away, but rather pathetically. A little later she led him away to a Business Class toilet and invited him to dock. Oh boy. It was almost the first time in three years he was up close and dangerous with a woman with white teeth, whose body perfume was expensive French and who spoke in an educated manner. If it hadn't been so damn uncomfortable doing it in the toilet he'd gladly fucked away the night.
Landing at O'Hare, Darcy prepared himself for the onslaught of kisses from his family, not his entire extended family. Christ he'd been away three years, hadn't he?
His mom met him.
Darcy buried his disappointment at not receiving the hero's return homecoming by kissing and hugging her that left his mom red-faced and panting.
"That's enough darling, you're making me...? She stopped.
"Making you what?"
His mom knew not to reply to that so asked how was the flight.
Diane said his father was in Dallas at a medical conference and Louise and Dale were working and said they would see him tonight. "Darcy, I'd like you to meet Ruth."
A striking young redhead with absolutely no apparent curves stepped forward and said, "Hullo Derrick."
"Everyone calls me Darcy, and have done so since before I can remember."
"Well with me Derrick will be fine."
"Please yourself. Come on mom, let's go. Goodbye miss."
"Darcy, Sheryl is Reverent and Mrs King's oldest daughter. I have..."
"Don't say it mom. Grab my trolley Sheryl while I talk to mom on the way out. We'll give you a ride home."
Diane seemed confused but was quick enough to grab the back seat and tell Sheryl to sit up front. She said practically nothing on the way home, leaving Sheryl and Darcy to chat. After Sheryl had directed Darcy to where she lived, he said goodbye and that they must have coffee within the next month or so.
Sheryl seemed shell shocked as she stood on the pavement waving. Diane in the backseat had a similar look.
"Son, you never will get married if you treat women like that."
"Like what."
"Like a floor mop."
"Oh come off it mom, she's not my type. Even you ought to know she's a virgin."
"Darcy, don't be so disgusting."
"Since when have acknowledging virgins been disgusting?"
Diane snorted, "It's the implications I'm talking about. You have no idea whether or not Sheryl is sexually experienced and anyway it's no business of yours. I thought you would be attracted by her pleasant personality and great mind."
"Are you matchmaking mom?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Be quiet and drive safely."
It should have ended there but Darcy knew he'd have to squash this matchmaking role his mom before she thought she was gaining control. "Mom, if you are going to try to dump prospective brides on me I'm going to stay with Aunt Rosa."
"You are staying home with me and that's final," his mom said grimly. Her sexy younger sister was divorced and couldn't hold on to a man. She probably held a record for one-night dates in all of Chicago.
Darcy drove on, attempting to hide his grin.
Once inside the house Darcy hugged Diane again, thanking her for getting him home.
"You are my darling son."
"Mom, you have two daughters."
She repeated he was her darling, her youngest.
"Mom, you have to keep relaxed about my quest to find a bride. You may not interfere -- do you get that?"
Her grip on him tightened. She managed to say yes.
"If I introduce you to women I don't want you indicating disapproval."
She said of course.
"Or to interview them as if they are applying for a job?"
Diane snorted and then sighed and said she knew what he meant. She would try to remain relaxed.
"Is dad giving you enough attention and enough sex?"
"Yes although in both instances it's borderline." She suddenly realized what she'd just said and pushed him away roughly and shouted, "How dare you!"
"Aw, come on mom. You need to relax."
"Go to your room."
Darcy yawned and grabbed his backpack, leaving the presents in an untidy heap. He'd been seventeen hours in the air plus a two-hour stopover at LA. Late afternoon he awoke as Diane slipped in under the covers beside him. They hugged and kissed, almost like lovers.
