I have the flu; the man-flu. I've been sneezing and coughing for three days now. I've been hot and I've been cold; I have no energy and I'm clearly lying here dying. I've been awake since the early hours snuffling and wheezing; the arrival of morning is a welcome relief.
The alarm beeps unnecessarily to inform me that its 6:00 a.m., clearly I won't be going to work today. But now that it is Monday you will have to get up and go, leaving me to wallow in my own misery.
You put on the bedside lamp and propping yourself up, drink some water. I know you are beginning your usual work day routine to wake up and start the day. You reach over and squeeze my hand, saying; "How are you feeling my love?"
What should I say? Put on a brave face and try to appear macho? Or just be the pitiful self that I feel like? I decide on the latter;
"Honestly? I still feel like shit!"
"I'll go and get you a glass of orange juice and some Paracetamol. Back in a sec."
And you have bounded out of bed, in a way that I couldn't even begin to consider. I see a flash of bare bottom beneath the silk pyjama top as you cross the room. An indication of how lousy I feel, is that I am not even slightly turned on by this sight.
The light goes on in the landing and I hear your footsteps descend the stairs, but I think I must be a bit deaf because I can't hear any sounds from the kitchen below. You reappear with a glass of juice, a slice of toast and marmite, two white tablets and six chewable vitamin C's.
You help me lean forward and plump up my pillows for me, and I feel as helpless as a baby submitting to these administrations.
I haven't the strength to eat the toast, and feebly take a few sips of juice and swallow the tablets. Meanwhile you are carrying out your morning rituals that I know so well. First you slip into padded cycling shorts, black trainers and a baggy tee shirt. Then you turn on BBC Breakfast, and start your 30 minute cycling work out.
Drowsily I hear the pedals pumping and in my blurred line of vision are Sian and Bill being annoyingly cheery while presenting the news. I suspect I may have dosed off for a few minutes; not surprising considering how little sleep I have had the past few nights. I'm guessing this because you are now walking back and forth across the bedroom in black panties and black sports bra. I know you are putting away yesterday's clothes, and trying to decide what to wear today.
When you have your outfit for the day arranged neatly on the bottom of the bed, you come over to my side and sit down next to me. You gently place a hand on my forehead;
"Well, I think your temperature is back to normal anyway. Here, let me help you sit up a bit more so that you can eat something."
I realise I have slumped back down in the bed, so I obediently sit up so that you can plump up my pillows for me. Then you sit back down again and unhook your bra, hanging it over the handlebars of the exercise bike. You lean forward and give me a kiss on the cheek, and your newly freed breasts swing in front of my face. You cradle my head between your ample bosoms. This reminds me of when I was a child, bringing back memories of being comforted by my mother when I wasn't well.
You give my head one more squeeze, then you're pinning up your hair as you head to the bathroom and I hear the shower running. I picture you indulging yourself amid the marble tiles, with all the jets massaging your entire body. We remodelled the bathroom when we moved into the flat, making it really luxurious. One of our special pleasures is to make love in the enormous wet room shower.
I sip my orange juice thoughtfully as you return to rub Chanel No. 5 body lotion all over you. I can just about catch the fragrance through my blocked up nasal passages. While I am listlessly nibbling my toast you are morphing into the legal eagle that you are. First the silk knickers and sheer black tights, followed by your extra-support bra from Victoria's Secret. Today you have chosen a simple black dress, trimmed in beige, and topped off with a stylish jacket that has decorative pockets and ruched sleeves. You knot your hair into a sleek chignon, and come to give me a goodbye kiss.
Too soon I am listening to your sensible day heels clattering down the metal rungs of the spiral staircase. And I am alone again with only Carole and the weather for company. Why does she wear such hideous dresses that make her look top heavy? You, on the other hand, always take such pride in finding clothes to flatter your full figure.
Of course it was actually your big boobs that first caught my attention. But in fairness, that is because we were at a conference and I was trying to read your name tag pinned to your chest. When you saw me staring admiringly, you laughed, and said, "Well now you know my name, will you ever be able to put a face to it again?"