Cristina's Re-Birth

Christina rocked my world the first time I met her. There were no fireworks. No wildly passionate sexual adventures. But, these eyes had never seen a more stunningly beautiful woman. It was embarrassingly easy to stare. And, it was equally difficult to not maintain visual contact.

What made her so attractive? I guess, and this has ran through my mind often, that a woman with all her attributes just doesn't come along very often, if ever. I can describe how Christina appears but it will never do justice. She is about five feet, eight inches. Hair of blonde, almost shoulder length. Eyes the color of warm chocolate. A wide, happy smile that could stop enraged animals in their path. Skin that hinted of porcelain. She carried herself with refined grace,never a wasted movement. A slender frame that hints of ballet in her past. Her attire is always simple and impeccable. But, as said earlier, this description is utterly lacking. Maybe these words can convey a small part of her totality.

She was a new employee, co-worker, that well-remembered morning. We did not work in the same department but since the company is relatively small, we did cross paths often. Over a period of time it became quite evident that her intelligence, and common sense, carried her to that point in her career. Most would have assumed that looks were the deciding factor in her hire. Gradually I overcame my uneasiness of Christina's presence. I would never consider her as a friend, only a fellow worker. Our conversations were mostly work related and never too personal. But, I looked forward to every moment and spoken word. A glancing view from the end of the hallway was enough to brighten my day. Her life away from work was a total mystery, as was her past. All in all, it was better to be on the periphery of Christina than trying to match her splendor.

Then, without any advance notice, Christina was gone. I heard through the office grapevine that her long time boyfriend had proposed marriage. He lived in the neighboring state and wanted Cristina to move immediately so wedding planning could begin. There was an emptiness that couldn't be completely explained. I knew that there was not, and never would be, anything between us. I knew that there was obsession on my part. And, that could be dealt with in time. I was well aware that time would relieve me of my loss. The strangest feeling though, was one of foreboding for her. I couldn't escape the feeling that she was not happy. Not that I was capable of providing her with a contented and happy existence. So, over a period of a few weeks, Christina became a pleasant, but distant, memory.

Over the next two years my own career proceeded nicely. I was rewarded for my competence by being promoted to the head of my division. I must say the level of responsibility was staggering but there was enough stubbornness to never back down from a challenge. When I graduated from college the jobs were long hours and little pay. Now there was a sense of accomplishment. Unfortunately the personal life suffered as a result. Unbeknownst to me, that was headed for change.

While sitting at my desk, working through lunch, waiting for my secretary to return with some takeout, I heard a soft tapping at the door. The immediate thought was anger due to the interruption. When I raised my eyes that changed completely. There was Christina, more radiant than ever before. I quickly rose to my feet and gestured her inside. I blurted out my surprise like some pimple-faced teenager. When I asked what brought her back here there was an almost imperceptible drop in her smile. That's when I saw her left hand missing a ring. There was elation that she wasn't encumbered, but sorrow for her life not going as planned. She told me that the marriage went sour from the moment the ceremony ended.

Her few friends were in this city and she wanted to work for the corporation again. She asked me if there were any openings in my division. Christina told me that her whole life had been one where men wanted her for a trophy. I was one of the few who treated her as only another person and didn't overstep my bounds. I couldn't tell her that my fears prevented approaching her. I couldn't tell her that I desired her along with all the others.

As she talked her shoulders slowly sagged. There was a sadness that I had never seen on her face. In fact, I could not remember ever seeing Christina's face without a smile. I knew that my hidden caring would be reason enough to not hire her. But, how could I refuse? I knew that she would be a great addition to my division. There were accounts that would only prosper under her guidance. I had removed the thoughts of Christina over the past two years. Now they were flooding back like a burst dam. I honestly didn't know if I could handle working that closely with her.

I told her that there were positions available. The salaries were not to the level her work deserved, but she could pick the one she liked most. The look on her face was all the justification I needed. I felt bathed by the glow of Christina's face. The effusion of thanks left me slightly uncomfortable. She assured me that her work would be top-notch. That was never a given a second thought. My questions were of a completely different nature.

Over the next few months Christina settled into an amazing pace. She had a capacity for solving problems that was unmatched by anyone I had ever worked alongside. She rapidly learned my feelings on how to handle catastrophes and dealt with them without ever letting them cross my desk. We did spend much more time together, but it never had any tone other than professionalism. I still knew nothing more about her marriage and divorce. I knew little about her life away from work. She never mentioned whom she saw after hours, if anyone. And I had the good sense to not ask, for my own sanity. In fact, the rumors were that she had friends at work but not away. I really didn't believe that she confided in anyone.

My secretary was wary of Christina. It wasn't jealousy. It was more of a feeling. Grace was reluctant to trust someone with so many hidden areas in their life. It was like Christina lived a secret life. But, it wasn't my business even though I often thought about how she could be so wonderful in her job, have the adoration of the clients, and never mention what she did away from the job. I had my close friends and occasional romantic interests. So, I became adept at keeping Christina from my thoughts, except while at work. That's how it had become, life with and without Christina. The company had few clients outside of our city. We were quite comfortable providing services unmatched by any other firm in this area. The advantage was not making business trips. I hated changing my routine. Unfortunately, a large firm from the other coast was planning on opening on office nearby. We had been recommended to handle issues for them, rather than have a firm three thousand miles away try to be hands-on. That meant the inevitable cross-country trips to set up the initial contract.

Christina was the logical choice for that job. I gladly let her fly back and forth. It was a very comforting feeling to know that she was in charge of the deal. But, two days before the contract was to be finalized Christina called me in a panic. The fact that she was not calm and cool was enough to make chills travel up my spine. There were some last-minute changes that she didn't have the authority to make. The clients board of directors wanted me to fly out and deal with everything first-hand. Great, not only did I have to leave on a moment's notice, but wondering how badly it might be if Christina was flustered, caused my stomach to turn over.

Two days of round the clock work solved all the points of contention. Christina was valuable beyond belief. She was able to wade into the middle of hard-set ideas and soften the steeliness. I mentally told myself that she was going to get a raise and promotion when we returned. The contract was signed on Friday afternoon, late. Since it would be impossible to get a return flight that evening it was decided that we needed a celebratory dinner. The hotel concierge told me of a wonderful Italian restaurant three blocks away. He arranged the reservations while we changed clothes. I was waiting for Christina in the lobby when she made her entrance. I know that every person, man and woman, had to notice her as she walked out of the elevator. I had regaled in her beauty for so long there was some degree of immunity.

She wore a simple black dress, just above the knee. It showed her figure without revealing anything. Her body seemed to glide under the fabric. Christina's only jewelry was an elegant pearl necklace and matching earrings. Her smile reminded me of that first day, many years before. She marched up to me and gave me big hug. I barely remember her voice, thanking me for coming out to help. She immediately let go her grip, headed for the door, looking over her shoulder and telling me to hurry up. She was hungry. That was the first time we had ever touched. I felt the blood rush to my head and appetite vanish. At least I gathered my wits before she turned out the door. Did I really see a barely perceptible glint in her eye?

The restaurant lived up to its billing. It was very rustic. None of the large rooms crammed with tables from corner to corner. It was filled with small alcoves holding two or three tables. We were seated in a tiny corner that blocked us from other diners. The food and wine was exquisite. We even shared a desert. Again, the conversation rarely ventured from work. But, Christina was more animated than she ever had been. I wouldn't have complained if she had talked about acne and incontinence. I wished we didn't have to leave but three hours for one meal is long enough. As we entered the hotel Christina asked if I would like to join her in the lounge for a last drink before heading to our rooms. Anything, to prolong this night, was welcome. The lounge was mostly deserted. Just a few pairs of businessmen near the bar. Christina chose to sit on a leather sofa near the fake fireplace. Undercurrents flowed through my brain. This was, like the restaurant, quite romantic. We sat mostly side-ways so it would be easier to see each other as we talked. The waiter brought our drinks and we spent several minutes just watching the gas logs. Christina was the first to speak. She softly told me, "thank you". I reassured her that it was my job to come help, if it was needed. "No", she said. " I mean thanks for everything else". She could see the look of confusion on my face.

Christina told me how much she appreciated that in all the years since we met, I had never once tried to delve into her past or life. She took a long, deep breath and said, " I think it is time you got some explanation about myself". I started to open my mouth but she held a finger to her lips to shush me. I was instantly on edge. I was about to hear her story. What made Christina the person she has become? Why everyone knew so little of her life. She told me that since early childhood her beauty had shaped her existence. She always was treated like some rare antique doll. Fawned over by an over-protective mother. Isolated by a father who knew the boys would be coming with intensity. Her entire childhood had been one of exclusive private schools, modeling classes, dance instruction. She thought at times that she was being groomed to be queen of something. Her life was never her own. She never received the opportunity to get dirty, to make mistakes, to have friends that were not approved.

Her life was totally sheltered until she left for college. She related that the desire to leave town for college almost estranged her from mom and dad. They still wanted to rein her in at every point in life. When she left for college, Christina had never been on a date where there weren't chaperones or other couples. Her parents called her every day to check up. Most weekends found them driving to see her. She knew it was their way of keeping control. She wasn't bitter. She realized, in her heart, that they loved her deeply. And, they knew there would come a time when they couldn't stop her from spending time with young men. They had seen the way the males at every point in her life had looked when she passed.

She did start to date during her freshman year but quickly learned that most men wanted one thing from her. They could not seem to understand that just because she was gorgeous did not mean that her life experience was vast. She had been so repressed by her folks that she had no clue about personal relationships. There were no girlfriends to share the thoughts and ask questions. The women around her avoided her like she was a leper. One had told her that no woman wanted to be near her and be ugly in comparison. So, in time, she was thought to be cold, aloof, and bitchy. She learned to entertain herself. She poured her time into the books, becoming a stellar student. Not that she was lacking in intellect to begin with. It became her refuge from life itself.

By the time she graduated, with honors, from the university, Christina could count her dates on both hands. She had long before felt relegated to a life of loneliness. It wasn't what she dreamed about but it did keep her from delving into the psychological reasons for her life. Her parents had instilled in her a fear that men would never want her for what she was. She felt cursed by her beauty and secretly hated her looks. She knew her appearance kept any man from seeing the true person that lived inside. And she had no clue how to show them.

She met her fiancé soon after graduation. He lived in the apartment next door. It wasn't that he was different from other men. He just happened to be more insistent than any other. She still had no idea how to open her feelings to someone else. She maintained her celibacy like it was the one thread that kept her constant. To give in before marriage would be an admission that her parents had been right and she had failed them miserably. When the proposal for marriage finally came Cristina felt as if life had finally turned her way. Regretfully, the lavish wedding turned into a honeymoon nightmare.

Christina had buried any thought of sexual expression for so long. Her new husband never thought to ask Christina if she was a virgin. He assumed that she had partners before but decided that it was better for them to wait for marriage. She never thought to tell him of her rudimentary, at best, romantic skills. She had no idea how to please a man. She had no clue how to accept pleasure for herself. The intimacy, after so many years of isolation, was terrifying. She knew that her marriage and new husband should give her pleasure but there was no knowledge to draw from. He was frustrated with her coldness. Actually, she was terrified. He could not understand that it was her abject fear, not him. She didn't know how to explain. Before the honeymoon ended the riff had started.

Every time her husband approached her for sex she would tense up. Her thoughts were always that boys only wanted one thing, even him. He quit asking. And, ten months after the wedding, he filed for divorce. She was not unhappy. She knew he was not getting what he deserved from her, as a wife. She didn't know if she would ever be capable of giving that much of herself to anyone. She still had never obtained any pleasure from their lovemaking.

After the divorce was finalized she knew that moving back to our city was her only option. After trying to stay for several months Christina gave up and moved. She had prayed that a job would be available. Even though no one would ever have noticed, she was happy at our company. She always knew that I was the one who held no high expectations. Christina told me of her fears as she approached my office. What would she do if no job existed? How could she continue this woefully isolated life without even some semi-friends at work? She was slowly dying inside and was so entrapped by her past there was no hope of escape. My granting Christina the job was the only moment of happiness that had passed her way in recent memory.

As she finished talking Cristina's eyes began to tear. Her usual smile was now melancholic. Barely perceptible sobs were racking her shoulders. I could not begin to imagine her pain. I felt so totally helpless. My mind was still numb from her narrative. How could anyone manage to get to this age of life, experience all the negatives she had waded through, and still maintain a semblance of sanity? Christina was hurting and I was in agony watching her cry.

I slowly slid over to her side and put my arm around her shoulder. It seemed the correct thing to do. Christina buried her head against my neck and chest. The quiet sobs finally came to an end but she didn't move. How long we sat, who knows? It didn't matter. This unbelievable woman had poured her life out before me and if she needed to sit until tomorrow it would be all right. As we sat Christina placed her hand over mine and gently squeezed. I knew it was her thanks. She shifted her body to move tighter to my side and whispered, " I feel safe". Christina then lifted her head and lightly kissed my cheek. Her lips on my skin were more electric than any moment of my life. That was the instance the lights dimmed and brightened to announce the closing of the lounge for the evening. Why now?

I removed my arm from Christina's shoulder and slowly stood. When I offered my hand it was readily accepted. As we walked to the elevator my mind was racing in every direction. Was this tiny show of emotion more than Christina could bear? Did I overstep? Did she have any inkling of my feelings? We silently rode the elevator to our floor. I didn't to leave her. I really feared that she was too fragile. Standing at the door I reached out and put both arms around her, hugging tightly. Her arms surrounded my back and returned the hug. She looked up and said, "Please don't leave me alone. Too much of my life has been alone." I was hopelessly lost. I do believe that if she had asked me to set fire to my hair and run naked through the streets it would have seemed reasonable.

After entering she told me to sit and be comfortable. She had to wash the smeared makeup from her face. That was when I first noticed that she was less than perfect looking. But, in that imperfection Christina had become a person. She had shed some of that long-term pattern of never being out of place. And, in that instant, Christina became more beautiful than ever before. I placed my jacket over the back of a chair, loosened my tie, unbuttoned and rolled my sleeves, and settled onto the couch. She smiled and went into the bedroom. I could hear water running. I had no recognition of time. It could have been five minutes, or easily thirty. My mind was trying to assimilate the past several hours, with no real luck. I knew she had entered a new stage of life. One of openness, even if I was the only one who knew.

I heard the water shut off and the door slowly opened. Christina had changed into the palest pink silk pajamas. They were far from revealing but my imagination was running wild. It was the first time I had ever seen her without makeup. I remember thinking, "Why does she need makeup at all?" She looked alive. The smile, both in mouth and eyes had returned. She motioned for me to not get up and walked to the mini-fridge. Christina removed a bottle of chilled wine and proceeded to remove the cork. I could tell that she wore nothing under that fine fabric. The hints of her shape were revealing themselves. I was beyond captivation. I had never felt this way about another human being. She walked to me with two glasses and asked me to stand.

She raised a toast and started to speak, saying, " You will probably never understand how much your friendship has meant to my life. So many times I have sat alone in my apartment secretly knowing you were the only person I could trust. That knowledge gave me hope when there was none. I want to apologize for never telling you. There was always unconditional respect and support. When I quit to get married you were the one I missed most. While the marriage was decaying, you were the one who I wanted to be near. And, I always wondered if you were the one who could make me feel. I never knew your true feelings but I know mine. If I am capable, to any degree, it is you I love."