My name is Courtney Bates, this is my story. Bringing you on my journey as I become someone completely new.
Let me explain.......
When you find yourself lost and having to start again, life can feel very lonely and against you. Having had my fair share of bad luck and trauma, I can honestly say it is extremely hard. Especially being a middle aged woman, having to start from scratch. I was married, to say happily would be a lie. As my husband Gary was not exactly whom I first thought.
We met and fell in love. We were married within a year together and the first couple of months were great. He was very attentive and kind. I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. Gary seemed pleased and everything was going well for us, we were happy. However, when I was 32 weeks, happily awaiting the arrival of our child, life had other plans. While out shopping for baby clothes to prepare for the birth, I was waiting for the bus to return home, laden with bags and feeling very tired. I hadn't noticed the out of control car hurtling towards the bus stop. As I glanced up, all I saw was a flash of colour before nothingness.
When I woke up, I was in hospital. Gary was at my bedside, sobbing while hugging my hand. Seeing him and hearing his heartfelt sobs, I knew I had lost the baby. When the doctor came round, I was informed that the impact had thrown me into the air. When I landed this ruptured my uterus, causing trauma and prevented oxygen from getting to my baby. The outcome was inevitable. They had to perform an emergency caesarean. I was left completely numb and unable to accept the loss of my little boy.
I had only hours before, been relishing in the feeling of him moving inside me, kicking and ready to be born. This tragedy was the start of the distance and evil which grew between myself and Gary. I struggled to come to terms with the loss, while Gary busied himself in his work. I don't think he knew what else to do. In reality there was nothing else he could have done. Nothing could repair the pain and loss we both felt. The doctors had managed to repair the damage to my body, they even said I would be able to try for another baby, this broke me further.
After a couple of months, Gary soon became tired of my grieving and started lashing out. First with unpleasant comments, calling me 'pathetic' and 'useless'.
Which obviously did not help. It soon escalated to him throwing things, punching walls and smashing pictures.
He would smash anything near him when he lost control.
Then one day while arguing, he hit me. Punching me in the stomach. He immediately apologised, trying to make it better by saying he didn't mean it and he was sorry. He promised it would never happen again, though I soon discovered that this was a lie.
When he came home from work, if he'd been drinking he would start an argument and it would end with him hitting me. I tried to prevent arguments, but he would hit me anyway. He regularly kicked and kneed me, he was hostile from the moment he saw me. Often lashing out and hitting without any reason. Though as he always promised it would never happen again, I stupidly believed him and stayed. I was scared. I had no one to help me and nowhere to go.
Sometimes he would take things too far, meaning he would have to take me to the hospital. He had broken my ribs, arm and even my ankle. He'd pushed me down the stairs and cut me many times. It was only after the fifth hospital visit that I knew I had to do something.
After some beatings he would force me to have sex with him, this didn't happen often, normally after he had been drinking. He would show no passion or love towards me, he just used my body to relieve himself. Perhaps he thought it was a way of saying 'sorry' for the beatings, though his touch made me recoil and feel sick. As soon as he finished, I would rush to take a shower. An attempt to wash him from my body and to help it heal from the wounds he inflicted. Sometimes I would even be physically sick.