This happened two more times before I woke up one night, and found myself lying on the floor of the living room, my pants down around my ankles, my blouse ripped open exposing my naked breasts and a pool of liquid running down my thighs and dripping onto the carpet. I was alone, my date for the night not present. I couldn't even remember who it was or where we had gone but I had vague thoughts that somewhere during the evening we had picked up another man. Could I have been with two men. . . .? All I knew was that I was alone and whoever I had been with had gotten what he wanted and left. I rose, staggered to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. The shock that I felt was the first sign that I had hit bottom.
I spent the rest of that night and the following day in the bathroom, worshiping the porcelain god and asking myself over and over why I was doing this to myself. As I sobered up and thought about it, the first feelings were of shame and disgust. What had I become? Who was I punishing? And what about my boys? Thank God they were with their father for the weekend. Finally, my stomach calmed enough to allow me to get up and clean myself up. I went into the office Rick had established at the house and found an old phone book. I called a doctor and made an appointment for as soon as possible. The next call was to resign my position and put that part of my life behind me. I had to find some way to get myself back to some semblance of normal. I had to get on with my life!
My two sons were the only things that kept me going then, but they were both in school five days a week and I was alone. I almost did something foolish a couple of times but I didn't and that was a miracle in itself. Just before I lost my kids and lost my sanity, I pulled myself together long enough to see a shrink my doctor recommended. Her name was Cheryl Hopkins and she helped me and got me on medication and stayed close until I was able to grab hold of life and hold on. Just by my fingertips at first, then clawing with both hands to find a stronger hold. Finally I pulled myself all the way up and my life was mine again.
With Cheryl's help, I finally learned what caused me to do what I did. It was simple, really. I was a successful working woman with two wonderful boys and a husband that I loved unconditionally. I had what all women want: I had it all. And it wasn't enough! That's what I learned working with her, but even today, I can't tell you why it wasn't enough. I was successful, beautiful, creative and frustrated. I wasn't unhappy; I wasn't alone; I wasn't sexually frustrated, but there was something missing and I had no idea what it was. So, I went looking for it.
Wes was a good looking man, a man most women found attractive and sexy. I began to notice him when we were working on a project together. He was flirting with me as he usually did with any women he came in contact with. He was a natural at it and I began to respond, initially in fun and then more seriously. We grew more aware of each other and he finally made a move. He cornered me in the supply room, pressed against me and I became aroused almost at once. That led to an arranged meeting where we had sex in my office on the stupid couch! That was my downfall. From there, the thrill and the forbidden part of it outweighed the guilt and filled that need inside me that was so elusive. We began an affair that lasted three months. It ended with the trip to San Diego and the three nights of sex. But it wasn't soon enough and it ended my marriage.
In the beginning, I continued to work but without much direction. They let me stay mainly because I could make a real stink if I tried. Even though I was in charge on that project, Wes was higher up the scale then I was so sexual discrimination was a possibility. I didn't press the issue as long as they left me alone. I did make a fool of myself, going out with those men who knew what I had done and wanted to take advantage of me. I let them, trying to find some way to make me feel again. Feel something; feel anything at all. Even if it was wrong! It was stupid and they were less than able to be more than a quick, meaningless fuck with them getting what they wanted and me just lying there, feeling nothing. I was using them, trying to end the numbness that filled my life, but it was no use.
I called my doctor the following morning after that terrible night when I couldn't even remember what happened, and that began my slow crawl up the steep slope of depression. Cheryl was relentless and wouldn't let me slide back down that steep slope. She never let go! It took almost two years but her treatment was successful and even now, I continue to see her from time to time. During that time, I quit my job and left those people behind. I had no desire to go back once I finished with my recovery.
That was appropriate for that time but I needed a job. Rick left me enough that I didn't have to work and he was maintaining the insurance for all of us. I had enough money for food, utilities and upkeep and all I needed for the boys. It was enough but I needed a job for my own sanity. And there was no chance that I could go back to my old company. Not one chance in hell!
I was good at graphic design and packaging design and I knew many people in that field. My old company was one of the top in the industry but I knew there were a lot of jobs they turned down because they were too small. I could handle those jobs by myself. I decided to give it a shot and got myself a business license and started my own little company, working out of my house. I called it,
J. Proctor, Packaging Concepts
. I advertised on the internet and by word of mouth to some of the people I used to know.
I borrowed some money from the bank, using the house as collateral. Rick had given it to me in the divorce so that the boys could grow up in the only home they knew. We had a lot of equity in it so I used some of that for a small loan and bought the equipment I would need for my business: a computer with a lot of graphic capability, a large color copier, a drafting board and a photo layout. I also found a setup that would permit cross comparisons with multiple media. I would use that to transfer the best images to a film medium that would allow me to print and modify. Just the basics to begin with.
Will had just turned thirteen at the time and Robert was still not a teen at eleven. They were a lot of help, giving me time in the evenings to work while they watched television, played games and in general, kept themselves occupied. Since they were too young to go out by themselves, it was a perfect time for me. We compromised: I made sure they got to their games or their practices and they left me alone later in the evening to work. Both understood what I was trying to do so we functioned as a team. It was one of the best times in my life and was a real plus as I began to get some business. Initially it was just a few referrals from my erstwhile workmates but it was a beginning. I lost the first two accounts I tried for but got the third and I was in business!
As the year progressed, my business took off and I had to hire a girl to answer phone and internet queries, a draftsman to work on the big board, a color artist to fill in the singles, and one person to sell. I was good at all but not good enough to do it by myself. The only thing I changed was to have a small office put in at the back of the house where we could work, keeping me close to home. It seemed to work quite well and I began to take on more and more business. Over the next two years, my business continued to grow as well as my reputation and I was a financial success, paying off my loan and all my bills.
Fast forward two more years. Will was seventeen, Robert was almost sixteen and I had just turned forty eight. My business was one of the best in town and I had twelve people working for me. I decided early on to keep my business small and restricted to those who wanted only the best. My people were the best and we maintained a solid reputation which translated into profits. I was well to do now and my boys had everything they needed. I went to Rick for less and less and he agreed to put his support payments into a bank account for the boys' college fund.
As I said, Will was hoping for a basketball scholarship and would probably get one since he was so good. He wanted to go to Ohio State in the fall and he had already been accepted. Robert was so smart that he would have no trouble getting an academic scholarship when he was ready to go on. Both boys were popular in school and Will had a girlfriend that he seemed pretty serious about. Robert was just beginning to enter the life of female companionship and seemed to have no lack of pretty girls calling the house.
