Chapter 7 The Meaning of Ethics
ยฉ Copyright 2006, 2007
Marge and Paul arrived at the hospital in Springfield at ten the next morning. Paul stopped as they approached the ward where they would find Audrey's room.
"Marge, why don't you go in first? You can talk to her woman-to-woman. Tell her that I'm waiting out here, and ask her if she wants to see me."
Marge disappeared and Paul sat in a small waiting room nearby. He wondered what to say to Audrey when he saw her. He had never known a rape victim. He wanted to say the right things to her, but didn't know what they were. He didn't want to say the wrong things, either, and he struggled to figure out what they were.
After a short time, Marge appeared at the door of the waiting room. "She wants to see you," she said, and took a seat in one of the chairs.
Paul was confused.
"She wants to see you alone," Marge clarified. Paul obediently made his way to Audrey's room.
Audrey wasn't in bed. She sat in a reclining chair next to the bed, dressed in her hospital gown and covered by a robe. She had on sock slippers that the hospital had provided. She wore no expression on her face. The upper regions of it were black and blue, and puffy with swelling.
"I'm surprised to see you out of bed," Paul said as he walked in. Audrey didn't answer, but her eyes followed him as he walked across the room. There was a small chair next to hers. Paul sat down in it.
"That must be a good sign." Paul pressed ahead, eager for a response from her.
Audrey still didn't answer, but her eyes were welling with tears.
"I won't ask you how you're feeling," Paul tried a different channel. "I'm sure that you don't feel very good."
"I was so stupid," Audrey blurted out. "I should have known that he would come for me."
"You can't blame yourself, Audrey," Paul offered a weak condolence.
"Everyone knew that he was on the run. I should have been watching out. I was looking at my mail!" A tear trickled out of her eye and ran over the swelled flesh over her cheekbone and down to her chin. "I teased him. I should have known better," she continued.
"Everything that you said is true, Audrey. That doesn't mean that it's your fault. If you blame yourself, you're letting him off the hook. Don't do that."
Audrey sat silently, pondering Paul's words.
"Morehead's responsible," Paul went on. "He committed an evil act of his own free will. He did it, himself; no one made him do it; it's on his head, not yours. He allowed himself to go out of control. If you hadn't been there, he would have found some one else."
Paul paused, hoping for a sign that Audrey was listening to him.
He's weak and evil. Men of that kind always find a good person to let themselves loose on. The goodness in people reviles them. They want to stamp it out. I'm sorry that it was you; I wish it didn't have to be anyone at all."
"But I was so careless and..." Audrey insisted. Paul cut her off before she could say more.
"Yes, you were a little bit," Paul replied with some tenderness. "I was too. You gave me the clues when I called you the other day. I didn't put them together. I was thinking of other things. I could have warned you. I'm more experienced than you are. I'm the one who should have seen it coming."
Audrey shook her head, but didn't utter a word.
"That doesn't mean that it's your fault, or mine," Paul continued. "Rape isn't the penalty for carelessness. It isn't the just punishment for anything."
Paul stopped speaking because he found that he had raised his voice without meaning to.
"Your bruises will heal in a week or two, and your other hurts, tooโat least the outside ones. You have to make sure that you heal inside, too. You can't carry this guy around inside you."
Paul finished. Audrey's eyes brightened a little.
"Do you really think that I'm a good person?" Audrey whispered.
"Yes, I do," Paul answered. "And I think that you're a brave one, too. I know that you're going to be alright, because you have what it takes right here."
As he said it, he put the three middle fingers of his hand together and softly thumped her chest twice, just above her left breast. As he started to draw his hand away Audrey clutched it and held it tightly against herself. She looked straight into him.
"You've never touched me before, except to shake hands," she said. "There were times I wished so hard that you would touch me."
"I remember them," Paul said. "It was all I could do not to touch you."
Audrey was still clutching his hand. "It means a lot for you to touch me now," she said.
Paul leaned forward and kissed her forehead. Audrey grasped him around the shoulders as tightly as she could and buried her face in Paul's chest.
She let out a sob, trying to hold back, and then she could not restrain herself and thrust her tears into Paul as he held her.
"Why...did...he...do...this...to...me? He...hurt...me!" she managed to cry out in spasms as she caught her breath through her weeping.
"Let it all out, Audrey," Paul said to her. "You need to."
"Yes, Audrey," Paul said to himself, "give it all to meโI will take it. I have a space inside for it. I'll bury it deep, with the rest of my sorrows. I can do this for you. You have youth, and sweetness and beauty. You should be happy."
As Audrey continued to heave into his chest, Paul felt the demons of pain and guilt leave her and enter him. He plunged them down deep inside himself. There, they would reside silently forever, amidst the loss from Sally's death, and the pain of Glenda ripped from him, of loneliness and isolation and all of the other hurts that he had ever seen and endured. He would entrap them there, never to be released, never to hurt others. He could not kill them, only battle and subdue them, and he was determined to do so.
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