I was hanging out with my "bestie" and bewailing the fact that my 19th birthday is soon and in the past year I have not found any willing female to celebrate my "sexual maturity" with. Although it doesn't happen much, men (boys actually) under the age of consent can be "raped" despite their enthusiastic consent. I don't think there was an army of attractive women who were deterred from seducing me because of worry about that, but even so... and a year of being legal sort of proved that. But also I guess I like to bitch and moan.
My friend said, "I bet you $20 that you could go door to door in your neighborhood on the day before your 19th birthday and find some female who was willing to celebrate with you, and I mean a REAL celebration, not a 'celibation'." Based on the fact that you should have gotten laid in the past year since you turned 18.
I asked "Is that even a real word?" and he admitted that he didn't know but suggested "it should be! ... a celebration with sex!" He explained that he had heard his father tell a joke about the Nuns who worked at the local Catholic hospital being so excited about some success that "they all got together to celibate".
I looked it up and found celibate was defined as "a person who abstains from marriage and sexual relations." and celibation was a celebration of celibacy, which is the condition of being celibate. Except I haven't really "abstained" from anything, I just haven't had the opportunity- for all I know I am promiscuous because it is difficult for me to see a healthy woman (or girl) and not wonder how much I would enjoy having sexual interactions of some kind (or all kinds, if I knew what they were!). And my conclusion is usually "probably a lot." Why not? Disease and pregnancy seemed reasonable worries for young women, even if there was no worry about social disapproval (which there certainly is).
My friend started pressing me to "make the bet! what do you have to lose except your virginity." I asked him "how would the bet work exactly?"
He explained that he hadn't given it a lot of thought, but "obviously you can't stay home in the basement and claim that none of the neighbors were interested in celebrating with you, on you, whatever you will." And we discussed what I might say to anyone incautious enough t answer the door.
"First I think we need a rule that you have a cover story for anyone who answers the door who is "impossible", but that should include only males and underage females and maybe really really old females, but actually a grandma might be able to teach you the most if she has a lot of experience."
"OK, but I still need to have some idea of exactly what I am going to say to the females who are potential sex gratification. I can make up some story about doing lawnwork this summer- and even have flyers to give any males. For females, I could explain that I was hoping to do lawnwork, but my real purpose was to win a bet regarding my 18th birthday. IF she asks about the bet, I need a slick explanation and maybe include the idea of a celebration, NOT a celibation."
"I am not sure a lot of people know that word and understand it?'
"I could explain if they ask."
"Are you going to record what happens so I can know you actually did make the offer to get sexy?"
"I suppose so, and maybe minimum of 10 doors answered?"
"No no no... minimum of 40 or three hours. Unless you get some action first, which will end the bet and I WIN... but you win also."
"How much action gives you a win? Not just a kiss like from Aunt Ellen!"
"Kisses and hugs don't count unless there is some touching of her genitals or her breasts. OR YOUR GENITALS. For all we know there are a lot of women who love to give blow jobs to a pretty young cock!"
So I worked up a patter and printed up some flyers to use to advertise for "lawn work", and I was ready for my birthday, which was on a Friday and I planned on staying home from school. That would put working husbands at work and school girls in school and younger kids in some kind of daycare... and leave me with older women. I had always managed to get along well with older women, but had never considered "hitting on them". I already mentioned that I had considered sex with most women I encountered, and usually decided that it might be enjoyable... so if someone decided to help me "uncelibate" my birthday, it would probably be enjoyable for both of us, although I have not mentioned that I was TRULY inexperienced regarding sex, never having done more than kissing and a little breast groping on the few dates I had managed to get alone time with.
I dressed the way I usually do: jeans and a shirt and jacket, with jockey shorts and a souvenir T shirt (I get them when my parents do somewhere interesting- I never actually go anyplace interesting, but when people see the Tshirts they tend to assume I did.
It was April and the weather was nice. I decided to start "work" at 10am and go until 2pm, which would be 4 hours and maybe I could get invited in for lunch even if I didn't get a blow job or more. I started three blocks from home and planned on getting no closer than that because my parents seemed to know everyone who lived within a couple of blocks. It turned out that the actually knew everyone within a mile because almost every time someone answered the door, he or she asked what I wanted and then asked my name- and then asked if I was related to Ted and Emma _____ who live over on ____ street. "Yes, they are my parents."
I realized that some of these women might report to my mother- so I was almost instantly very tentative as to my true purpose in going door to door. I did have the flyers, and realized I would rather pay my friend his $20 than get in trouble for making "inappropriate" sexual advances toward some old lady, or any lady for that matter.
I was not expecting to be invited inside, but after the first 2 women explained that they have a lawn service and might call me for anything extra that comes up, but no regular job... the third woman invited me in and asked if I needed anything to drink. I decided to try to be funny and said, "No thanks, I took my grandpa's advice." The woman was a solid middle aged mother of two adult children, not unattractive, and she asked what my grandpa's advice was. "He said that he never goes fishing with anyone who starts drinking before NOON." She seemed confused and asked what "fishing" had to do with anything. I ignored the fact that my joke was not working and explained... "then he explained that HE started drinking at noon." She was kind enough to laugh and said, "I get it... he meant DRINKING... I meant some water, or I have some coffee made if you drink coffee." I wanted to make a joke about "what else would I do with the coffee than drink it." but my first effort at a joke was sort of a bust so I just sat down where she was pointing, in the kitchen. She sat and sipped her coffee after refilling it. I asked "could I try a small amount of coffee... my mom drinks tea and my dad gets his morning coffee at the office".
She poured half a cup and explained that some people use milk, or even cream in the coffee... and some add SUGAR. I was nervous enough that I started telling her about a guy at my dad's hospital whom he had described as fixing tea in the doctors lounge (my dad is a doctor at the hospital). He said the guy was from India and he started with half a cup of milk, heated up in the microwave... then 4 packets of sugar... then 4 teabags followed by hot water and mixing. She laughed and said, "More of a breakfast than the usual cuppa"... and explained that in India it is often wise to ONLY drink water that has been recently boiled and that may explain why tea is so popular there. Neither of us knew if coffee plants grow in India, but we agreed that tea did.
She already had one of my flyers before she invited me in, and she asked "what service do you sell the most of? mowing the grass?" Actually I had never worked for hire before, so I probably seemed very confused for someone who was asked about the job he was offering to do.
As I looked at her, I was trying to imagine kissing her, which was easy to imagine. I tried to imagine getting her naked and that was a pleasant thought also- she was heavily built but not really fat, more a combination of big and strong. She was actually a little bigger than I was then- I have grown a few more inches in height and gained about 40 pounds since then.
I briefly mentioned that I could provide weekly or biweekly lawnmowing and remove the cuttings- for a fixed price. Any additional work would be by the hour and include any tools and equipment I needed and cleanup/removal of any waste. But I can't cut down trees OR big limbs, and I can't go up on a ladder to do roof or gutter work.
She asked if my parents had been the source of my "can't do" rules and I said they were- but also that was reasonable unless I wanted to learn how to be safe doing those kinds of jobs. "My dad is a doctor and sees a lot of guys who are injured falling off ladders and roofs, or hurting themselves while trying to cut big limbs or trees."
She said she would "think about my offer and discuss it with my husband. My son, who is in the Army, used to do all the lawn mowing and now my husband does it and I think he would rather play golf than cut grass."
She asked where I got to school and I explained I would be in my last year at ____ HS and she commented that it was a "Catholic High School" and that in fact she had attended that High School "more years ago that I want to admit. How do you like it?"
